torranceshipman Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Hi guys, I'd really appreciate your advice - I've been dating an amazing guy for a couple of months...things were going so well, we were planning a long weekend away together, talked about meeting eachothers family, exclusive, happy, and it felt like things could really get serious....then recently (a couple of weeks ago), his dad sadly passed away. My (now ex)boyfriend is understandly having a very hard time right now, and grieving. But as a result of this, he broke up with me, and said that he feels so mixed up, and feels like its hard to be around me right now as we havent known eachother long, and that he needs to be alone to cope with this (he said even seeing his friends is hard for him right now). He said he felt so sad to break up as he felt he was losing something special and that he hasn't felt this way about someone in such a long time, but he needed to be on his own. The same day as we broke up, he sent me a huge, beautiful bunch of flowers to say sorry that he had to hurt me by doing this, and said that he always hurt the people he cares about the most. He's usually very affectionate, and considerate of my feelings...maybe hes protecting me to an extent as he doesnt want to lash out and get angry at me if he's going through the grieving process, and I guess part of that is he really needs time alone to come to terms with his loss. I'm glad that he is going through what seems to be a healthy grieving process, as I worry about him, and how sad he must be, but of course I'm also so sad to lose him. Has anyone else been through this and is there a chance we'll be able to date again when he feels ready? - any ideas? I also posted in Dating about this, so thanx to the LSers that posted their advice there (-:
pricillia Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I am sorry that you are going through this.. What it sounds like to me is a pre-emptive strike on his part... He just lost his father and he feels like life is out of control so he is pushing away love and compassion becasue right now it is too hard for him to open up and feel the pain that he is in. He told you that this is a patten with him... this is a tough one??? anyone else...
LakesideDream Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Sounds pretty straight forward to me. After a crisis in his life, he wasn't able to continue an intense relationship with you. He came to you, told you, was sorry, sent flowers etc. This was/is not a long term relationship. Two months of dating while nice, is not a committment. Give him the respect he gave you and honor his wishes.
Guest Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I lost my father while I was dating someone and I had the opposite reaction. I became clingy and needy and he accused me of using him as a crutch. He broke up with me soon afterwards. In the end he finally came back to me but I couldn't forgive him. I decided that if he couldn't be there for me in my time of crisis then he wasn't worth having.
LN99 Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Losing someone suddenly can really throw your world off balance. I know because I lost my dad suddenly about 3 yrs ago. It is a lot to deal with, and he probably doesn't want to drag you through all of that even though you want to be there for him. I know that when I lost my dad, I was in a relationship at the time, but I broke things off as well. I just couldn't deal with anything complex. I wanted to things to be simple and honestly it took me a good yr or so before I felt somewhat normal again. At that time, everything that happened was such a blur. Try not to take it personally. (I know, easier said then done.) But everyone grives differently, and right now its just easier for him to be alone. Just respect his choice. I don't regret my choice. Our relationship honestly was going nowhere. And after something this big happened in my life, it really opened my eyes and made me re-evaluate everything in my life. I needed that time to be alone and I know it wouldn't have been fair to put him through dealing w/ me at that time because I was very emotional. It just ended up working out for the best.
Author torranceshipman Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 LN99, I'm so sorry for your loss, and thanks so much for your input. What you posted really helped me understand how he's feeling... I'm definitely respecting his request for space -thats not an issue - it was more a help to hear from people who have been through something similar and whether there might be, at some stage, a chance of us dating again in the future... One of my best friends actually lost his best friend, and was dating a lovely girl at the time, and stopped seeing her immediately because of it - he says my ex sounds just like him - a very good guy, going through a very hard time, and needs space to focus on grieving. He said that after about 3 months he felt better and went to find her (unfortunately she was dating someone else by then and he spent a very long time trying to win her back, bless him!). It's just good to get the input of others as then it's easier to get my head round all of this...
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