GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Seems like my wife is mad at me every day about one thing or another. She was gone two days with my son while I stayed home with my daughter. And wouldn't you know it .. she's mad at me again. It only took about 45 minutes after getting her at the airport. She's promised a few times to stop with that. The last time was literally last Sunday. But today, I had to listen to her lecturing me and being angry again. It always about something stupid. It's not like I gambled and drank and totalled the car in a ditch or anything like that. It's almost always over something so minor I can hardly believe she gets all bent out of shape over it. Anyway .. back to the question. How often? I need to gain a sense of perspective. TIA!
Storyrider Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Interesting. My H. gets mad at me pretty rarely. Even when he does I usually get a mild comment and nothing more. I remember our actual fights vividly because they are rare. Things that almost always make him mad: -If I'm late or make our kids late for something important -If I lose something important, like the car manual -If I get on his case about his hair or clothes -If I turn a disagreement into a personal attack or a battle of the egos
Curmudgeon Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Very rarely, and visa-versa. The ex was a whole other story and seemed to always be mad at someone, most often me, or something. It would appear that some people just need to have high drama in their lives to feel alive and it most often takes the form of anger. In those cases I believe that the anger is really an expression of fear -- fear of not being in total control, fear of closeness, fear of appearing weak, fear of the unknown, fear of loss, you name it. In extreme cases, such anger can also be indicative of a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, or simply a case of stinkin' thinkin'. Life's troo short to waste all that emotional energy on something as empty and debilitative as anger.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Excessive anger can also be a symptom of depression. It might be worth it for her to see her doctor for a screening. More usually, a person who's angry all the time just isn't getting what they want out of life. Alot of times, you'll see it in young couples who have just started their family and are under additional stress, balancing all these new "hats" on their head... spouse, parent, employee, sibling, son or daughter. It's a daunting task for those who are unused to it, and oftentimes we feel like things are skidding out of control. Anger is the most likely response when our "controls" are threatened, and when life just isn't going our way. Also... as our responsibilities are increase, sometimes we don't pay enough attention to our individuality. We find ourselves not quite living up to the dreams we once had... and we're disappointed in ourselves because of it. The anger we have for ourselves kind of oozes out onto other people, because we're not really aware that the problem is within. Sometimes it's even more simple than all that. Sometimes it's because we don't really know how to be married. We're not all born automatically knowing how to be a good partner. It's often necessary to make a concerted effort to LEARN it as a skill set. You might try reading together through a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman to get you started. Also, Love Busters by Harley. These two books will get you started thinking about each others ENs (emotional needs), as well as to help you set up some rules about appropriate communications.
Author GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 Thanks LadyJane14, but there's no way my wife would cooperate with me on this. She really doesn't think she's doing anything harmful. In fact, if she was a guy and I was a woman, I'm convinced she'd be a wife beater. The thought and behavior pattern is similar. She gets angry and abusive, then the next day she tries to "make nice", but she contends that if I had done what she wanted when she wanted and how she wanted, she never would have been that way to start with. In other words .. I caused her to do this. A wife beater does the same thing. He beats the crap out of his wife, then gets all apologetic but reminds her that if she just hadn't overcooked his steak or if she had taken his shirt to the cleaners earlier, he never would have hit her. He reminds her of how crazy mad that makes him and that she knows that, so why does she do it? But luckily, I'm the guy and she's not. So instead, she resorts to verbal abuse, the silent treatment and sexual denial. What I really need is books like these: "How to survive the next 10 years of marriage til your kids grow up" "How to get verbally chastised daily and not get an ulcer"
Woggle Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Very rarely because unless she has a good reason I will just walk away and ignore her. Luckily I have not had to do that yet.
Woggle Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Just ignore her and tel her to talk to you when she is willing to show some respect. Put on some headphones and act like she isn't even there. If she keeps bothering you leave and go out to a movie or something. If this does not work start keeping a log of her verbal abuse and then file for divorce under grounds of emotional abuse.
Author GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 Just ignore her and tel her to talk to you when she is willing to show some respect. Put on some headphones and act like she isn't even there. If she keeps bothering you leave and go out to a movie or something. If this does not work start keeping a log of her verbal abuse and then file for divorce under grounds of emotional abuse. That is great advice. That's exactly what I've been doing lately (last 3 months or so). That hasn't stopped the bitching, but it does help me a little. I will start keeping the log. I don't know why the hell I didn't even think of that. Not that it makes a difference in my state since this is a no-fault divorce state. But it may help later if the issues does come up for discussion.
Woggle Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 That is great advice. That's exactly what I've been doing lately (last 3 months or so). That hasn't stopped the bitching, but it does help me a little. I will start keeping the log. I don't know why the hell I didn't even think of that. Not that it makes a difference in my state since this is a no-fault divorce state. But it may help later if the issues does come up for discussion. It may be a no fault divorce but if you charge her with emotional abuse then you have it on record. Men can be abused as well and don'yt lety anybody tell you otherwise. My advice is don't even try to argue with her when she is like this. If she can't deal with issues like a mature and rational person don't even deal with her at all.
Author GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 It may be a no fault divorce but if you charge her with emotional abuse then you have it on record. Men can be abused as well and don'yt lety anybody tell you otherwise. My advice is don't even try to argue with her when she is like this. If she can't deal with issues like a mature and rational person don't even deal with her at all. No hey, I agree 100%. I was just initially curious to know how often others go through this. Is this daily stuff really crazy or is it the norm for most married couples after a while?
Art_Critic Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I'm not making any assumptions but this book may help you: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder By Randi Kreger and Paul Mason
Woggle Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 No hey, I agree 100%. I was just initially curious to know how often others go through this. Is this daily stuff really crazy or is it the norm for most married couples after a while? There are many men going through the same thing as you but it is not healthy and should not be the norm.
Author GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 I'll most definitely be checking that one out. Thanks! I'm not making any assumptions but this book may help you: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder By Randi Kreger and Paul Mason
Author GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 There are many men going through the same thing as you but it is not healthy and should not be the norm. To be honest, I feel wimpy sometimes for not taking it better. That's one reason I wanted to know. I was in Hong Kong once, and I saw some guys getting roasted over the coals in public by their wives and yet they didn't seem to care in the least. I'm not even sure they were even listening. I kinda wish I had their recipe for that level of cool.
My Fair Katie Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 My husband is a master of passive aggressive anger. These days EVERYTHING sets him off. He went to counseling for anger management (it was a condition for me not leaving him last fall), but he thinks he's "cured" now and stopped going. He is definitely not cured.
Woggle Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 To be honest, I feel wimpy sometimes for not taking it better. That's one reason I wanted to know. I was in Hong Kong once, and I saw some guys getting roasted over the coals in public by their wives and yet they didn't seem to care in the least. I'm not even sure they were even listening. I kinda wish I had their recipe for that level of cool. If these men had any balls they would have left their wives in Hong Kong. I would have just left her and enjpyed the vacation by myself Why should men have to put up with that crap from a woman that promised to love them? I treat my wife like gold but I expect the same treatment in return or else the marriage is caput. I would rather be celibate for life than put up with a woman like that.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 To be honest, I feel wimpy sometimes for not taking it better. That's one reason I wanted to know. I was in Hong Kong once, and I saw some guys getting roasted over the coals in public by their wives and yet they didn't seem to care in the least. I'm not even sure they were even listening. I kinda wish I had their recipe for that level of cool. You don't have to internalize somebody else's dysfunction. I know some people are more prone to absorbing emotions than others... but really, once you have an awareness that THAT's what you're doing, you kind of take the teeth out of the monster.
Craig Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 GreatWall you aren't alone in your experiences and what you are experiencing is not normal or healthy. Some great posters have given you some good ideas and materials to read. Here is a short article and a link to other online reading that you may find interesting and helpful. In Defense of Men The Men's Center page on abused men
Woggle Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 The majority of women think there is nothing wrong with treating men like this also. When I hear women saying that men deserve to be abused my blood just boils. I grew up being abused by a woman and I got myself into a marriage with a clone of my mother. I will never let another woman do that to me no men should ever tolerate it.
Author GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 GreatWall you aren't alone in your experiences and what you are experiencing is not normal or healthy. Some great posters have given you some good ideas and materials to read. Here is a short article and a link to other online reading that you may find interesting and helpful. In Defense of Men The Men's Center page on abused men Great links! But they seem to focus on physical abuse. I've had a helluva time finding anything on the net about verbal abuse towards men by wives. And at the bookstore? Forget it.
Author GreatWall Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 I take it back .. here's one that describes her pretty well: http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/male-victim-abuse.html
bab Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 The majority of women think there is nothing wrong with treating men like this also. When I hear women saying that men deserve to be abused my blood just boils. I grew up being abused by a woman and I got myself into a marriage with a clone of my mother. I will never let another woman do that to me no men should ever tolerate it. Come on Woggle. I thought you'd made more progress than this. Of course SOME women think these things, and SOME males think hitting a woman is okay, even some of the men on here that post often. Really, the majority? Come on.
Art_Critic Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Besides what you have told us what other things does she do that isn't quite right ? Does she overspend for no reason ? Credit card debt ? Does she drink ? Does she have problems having relationships with other women ? There isn't an easy fix for this... Chances are your wife is suffering from a personality disorder such as BPD or Bipolar or one of the many ones that are out there.. That is why I recommended the book I did. When I read it I was floored on how closely it matched my life..The book could've been written about my life and marriage with her. I thought I was the one that was crazy at times.. that is what they do to you.. In my opinion you need to get in some sort of therapy individual or couples therapy and go from there..
Woggle Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Come on Woggle. I thought you'd made more progress than this. Of course SOME women think these things, and SOME males think hitting a woman is okay, even some of the men on here that post often. Really, the majority? Come on. I apologize for the generalization but one of those articles that Craig posted got me riled up.
Craig Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I take it back .. here's one that describes her pretty well: http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/male-victim-abuse.html GreatWall that's great that you found something that describes your wife now you know that it isn't your fault that she verbally abuses you. Here is another page from the Women Against Domestic Violence site that offers information about abuse for Men that are being abused that also has a decent collection of links. Male Abuse.
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