sadbuttrue Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 hey, i know this is going to sound weird, but i was wondering if any of the OW's MM had ever made reference to you and the W together with MM, like in a sexual way. my MM has mentioned this more than once, and always joking, but still it upsets me. he knows his W would not participate, so why would he even joke about it? i also would never want anything to do with such a plan. he has also told me that he wished he could marry me too and have both of us. how crazy is that? everytime he says things like that i get so angry, and every little bit of anger pushes me a little closer to ending the whole thing. i know that men have these fantasies, but why would a MM want to bring his OW and W together in one? sorry for the strange post, but just curious.
JackJack Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 but why would a MM want to bring his OW and W together in one? To have the best of both worlds. But he is already getting that anyway, right? I'm assuming his W doesn't know anything about you? Maybe he sees it, if he brought you both together then he wouldn't feel the need to hide his relationship with you. Takes more of the guilt off of him.
Author sadbuttrue Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 jack, his W was informed about me, but does not believe anything is going on between her H and i. he absolutely does not want her to know, he does not want to lose his family. and he knows that it would not be a pleasant meeting between myself and his W. i guess he just thinks he is being funny, but it is not at all funny to me, and more than degrading.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 He jokes about it with you, because he sees you as the sort of person he can treat that way.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 By staying with him, you're enabling his behaviour and allowing him to treat you like crap. he absolutely does not want her to know, he does not want to lose his family. Then why is he purposely deceiving his wife, betraying his whole family? He's living a big fat LIE, knowingly. That's just cruel to his wife and his kids and to you. I hate to say it, but SBT, you're being cruel to yourself by staying... Please, get some counselling in so you can gain the strength to leave him! He's a scumbag!
Lizzie60 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 it is probably one of his favourite fantasy... to have a 3-some with his wife and mistress... I've heard that many times... But to be honest with you, from your post, I feel he still loves his wife very much and will never leave her, so unless you want to remain his mistress forever, I think you're up for a big disappointment if you think he'll leave her. Who knows, maybe he's joking with his wife about having a 3-some... he could be testing both of you.
norajane Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 i know that men have these fantasies, but why would a MM want to bring his OW and W together in one? Well, he's already having sex with both of you at different times...it seems like a very natural transition to fantasize about having both of you at the same time.
lonelybird Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 This man is perverted A little crumb is NOT better than nothing. a little crumb is degrading when you deserve to have whole meal.
IWALH Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Well, haha, actually I have joked about it with him. I brought it up and asked if he thought she ever would (because I know they've done it before in the past), but I was pretty much joking. He said she probably wouldn't do it because of everything that has happened and he wouldn't want to anyway because the kind of sex he and I have is different from the kind of sex they have. He says that the sex he has with me is the kind of sex he always dreamed about having.
lonelybird Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 even so, he is cheating You deserve to have your own big family, devoted husband, lovely children....you are not for the occasional hot sex
GreenEyedLady Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 i guess he just thinks he is being funny, but it is not at all funny to me, and more than degrading. Have you told him that this makes you feel hurt and degraded? Perhaps he doesn't realize how bad this makes you feel... The fact that he actually jokes about it OUT LOUD to you isn't good SBT...you really deserve better than this... (((HUGS)))
overandout Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 SBT, he is treating you badly and you are allowing him to. What he says to you is degrading and you ought to tell him so. To be honest, if a mm talks like that to you, imo, he isn't taking the relationship seriously and is looking at it merely to enhance his marriage. Do you want this? NO, as it is clearly troubling you.
Trimmer Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 To be honest, if a mm talks like that to you, imo, he isn't taking the relationship seriously... But really, since he's married, and we assume not leaving his wife, can't you already assume he isn't taking the relationship seriously? Maybe this is just a wake-up call that tells you more of what you should already realize.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Nope, mine has never joked about it and I don't think he ever would. And if he did, he would be picking his nuts up from the floor thats for sure! Do you ever think maybe these "jokes" are a way of telling you that he still finds his wife sexually attractive? Do you know whether he has an active sex life with W? His ego is obviously more important to him than your feelings - he shouldn't need to be told that you feel degraded, if he loves you, he shouldn't want to willingly hurt you with these statements.
pricillia Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 even so, he is cheating You deserve to have your own big family, devoted husband, lovely children....you are not for the occasional hot sex We know that she does we all do... and what is wrong with hot sex anyway.... also the food references
Seen_It_All Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 hey, i know this is going to sound weird, but i was wondering if any of the OW's MM had ever made reference to you and the W together with MM, like in a sexual way.LOL..this guy sounds like George Costanza on Seinfeld. Remember how he wanted to go for the Trifecta? Having sex, eating, AND watching TV all at the same time? Typically SELFISH. No big surprise there, is it? He sounds like a real prince. I can't blame you for holding onto this one.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 SBT, Why is it that him wanting to take it one step further bothers you. In essense you have agreed to this threesome, just not at the same time. You have shown him through your actions that you are willing to share him, what bothers you about his joke? Sure he'ld love to have both of you in bed at once but we both know his wife will never agree nor would he ask that of her. Is it any less twisted that he expects to have two women in his bed separately? I think the answer is that you push the fact that he is married out of your mind, you lessen their R in your mind to deal with your position. I think that when he says things that remind you of his life with his wife then he busts that "fantasy bubble" that you are basing your hopes on. If you open your eyes to what he is showing you and close your ears to his words, what do you see? And if he closes his ears and opens his eyes what are you showing him? I think you've shown him by your actions that you are fine with not only being a threesome but also being the shortest (unequal) leg in that triangle. He is disrespecting you, but he has been all along, you are choosing to see only the part you want to and THAT is helping him to control the R as HE wants it to be.
mopar crazy Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 What a b@stard! I would of slapped him upside the head for even bringing it up! I know there is a lot of men who fantasize about a 3-some but to bring it up w/ his OW to be part of one w/ his W, what a stupid idiot! Bringing it up once is bad enough but more than that, what a perverted jerk! Like his W would honestly want to do that. I'm sure there is probably a lot of couples that do this kind of thing but from what you have posted I doubt very likely his W would go for it. If he brings it up again I would tell him you don't want to hear the conversation again. He has no respect for you. I don't agree w/ your A, and never will, but this is just crazy for him to discuss w/ you.
Chapter2 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 SBT, I think its good that it bothers you. You are one step closer to expecting and ultimately demanding better for yourself. Your internal compass is right on and it would probably bother most people. Yes, you allowing yourelf to be his OW is an invitation to pain but actually hearing those words make it no less hurtful. Please don't hear me invalidating how that made you feel. It is absolutely no different than a betrayed spouse allowing a wayward spouse to continue to stay and then being devistated if they cheat again. At some point the wayward spouse views the betrayed spouses continuance to put up with the situation as an invitation to continue to cheat. One could just as easily look at the betrayed spouse after such an event and say "well, what did you expect?". I'm not sure when that type of response is helpful but that's just me. One of my friends told me over a year ago that she hoped my xMM would continue to expose exactly what he thought of me by his actions. He did. I'm free now and my self respect is continually on the rise. You will (I hope) eventually refuse to put up with your situation and get yourself free. Until then, I hope you receive plenty of mercy along with truth:) hey, i know this is going to sound weird, but i was wondering if any of the OW's MM had ever made reference to you and the W together with MM, like in a sexual way. my MM has mentioned this more than once, and always joking, but still it upsets me. he knows his W would not participate, so why would he even joke about it? i also would never want anything to do with such a plan. he has also told me that he wished he could marry me too and have both of us. how crazy is that? everytime he says things like that i get so angry, and every little bit of anger pushes me a little closer to ending the whole thing. i know that men have these fantasies, but why would a MM want to bring his OW and W together in one? sorry for the strange post, but just curious.
pricillia Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 SBT, Why is it that him wanting to take it one step further bothers you. In essense you have agreed to this threesome, just not at the same time. You have shown him through your actions that you are willing to share him, what bothers you about his joke? Sure he'ld love to have both of you in bed at once but we both know his wife will never agree nor would he ask that of her. Is it any less twisted that he expects to have two women in his bed separately? I think the answer is that you push the fact that he is married out of your mind, you lessen their R in your mind to deal with your position. I think that when he says things that remind you of his life with his wife then he busts that "fantasy bubble" that you are basing your hopes on. If you open your eyes to what he is showing you and close your ears to his words, what do you see? And if he closes his ears and opens his eyes what are you showing him? I think you've shown him by your actions that you are fine with not only being a threesome but also being the shortest (unequal) leg in that triangle. He is disrespecting you, but he has been all along, you are choosing to see only the part you want to and THAT is helping him to control the R as HE wants it to be. it bothers her because she would like to be exclusive with him... she may be allowing him to be with her, but don't put all the blame on her... he is just as responsible for his body as she is...
woe_is_me Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 hey, i know this is going to sound weird, but i was wondering if any of the OW's MM had ever made reference to you and the W together with MM, like in a sexual way. Hi SBT..NO WAY!!! I'm with Mopar on this one... Joke or no joke your mm obviously entertains the thought and that just reeks of total disrespect..you shouldn't stay in this guys life. Being unable to have one another 'exclusively' is the very reason you're here..doesn't sound like it bothers your mm too much
NoIDidn't Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 It is absolutely no different than a betrayed spouse allowing a wayward spouse to continue to stay and then being devistated if they cheat again. At some point the wayward spouse views the betrayed spouses continuance to put up with the situation as an invitation to continue to cheat. One could just as easily look at the betrayed spouse after such an event and say "well, what did you expect?". What a load of crap. This is not true in the vast majority of cases, unless you are dealing with a serial cheater or other kind of commitment phobe. Always trying to make it seem like the BS is somehow enabling a cheater. Nope. Not the case. The person willing to cheat WITH the WS is the enabler. Sorry.
norajane Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Why is it that him wanting to take it one step further bothers you. Because wanting the threesome with his wife and mistress shows her he's a pig; and telling her he was fantasizing about it shows her he's thoroughly insensitive and oblivious to her feelings. Who wouldn't be bothered to find out she's giving her love to an insensitive pig? Even if he weren't married, he's not a keeper.
Author sadbuttrue Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 Nope, mine has never joked about it and I don't think he ever would. And if he did, he would be picking his nuts up from the floor thats for sure! Do you ever think maybe these "jokes" are a way of telling you that he still finds his wife sexually attractive? Do you know whether he has an active sex life with W? His ego is obviously more important to him than your feelings - he shouldn't need to be told that you feel degraded, if he loves you, he shouldn't want to willingly hurt you with these statements. je ne, i know he still sleeps with his W, i assume he must find her somewhat attractive. i agree he should know these comments would hurt me and that there would never be a good reason to verbalize such a thought.
Author sadbuttrue Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 Have you told him that this makes you feel hurt and degraded? Perhaps he doesn't realize how bad this makes you feel... The fact that he actually jokes about it OUT LOUD to you isn't good SBT...you really deserve better than this... (((HUGS))) thank you gel, i dont think i have ever said that to him, he mostly makes such comments through email. and i just say, that would never happen or something like that. i know, i cant believe he thinks it is appropriate to say such things to me. i do truly feel that he doesnt mean to hurt me. but it is getting a little too much for me i think
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