Chainbrain Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Alright. I'm in the 12th grade. Me and my girlfriend broke up a week ago today. We went out for 9 months (10 months tomorrow), but we were exclusive for about 18. Anyway, heres the story. I'm going to make this as short as possible. I met this girl in grade 9. Most beautiful thing in the world, and I crushed on her until the start of 11th grade. I heard she liked me so I thought I'd give it a shot. We hung out for a bit and she told me that she liked me alot and loved me like a friend but she had just broken up with a boyfriend of about 16 months. She wanted time to be single. So we stayed friends, but admitted that we were dating. We didn't make out or anything, just little greeting kisses when we met and parted ways, you know. The thing was, we stared "dating" in October, and for the second semester she was going on exchange to Europe for 6 months. I was in love with this girl, though I knew she wasn't in love with me, so I would deal with it when she came. While she was gone we still said we were dating each other. She said she fell in love with me when we were apart, and the day she came back, we began "going out". Everything was fine and all that for a long time. We hardly fought, and when we did, we could just laugh it off. I won't go into detail how awesome we were to each other, but just know the whole thing was amazing. So we had an excellent summer after she came back, and when school started it was good too. But when exams came, she wanted to break up. I'll just say this girl is suffering from depression, but it was hardly an issue ever. She takes on way to much (Shes school council prez, lead in school musical, writes the school paper) and stress does bad things to her. So when she wanted to break up before exams we calmly talked about it and I talked her out of it because her reasons were a bit absurd. She said shes been thinking about the future and that we might not fit so she won't bother. I convinced her that that would be a problem when it came, since we were planning on staying a year back, both for different reasons, but it was a good match. So now its about 3 months later, and the school play is in crunch mode since they aren't really ready and need practice all the time. She is mega stressed and just out of the blue at school during lunch she decides we need to break up. She said the same reasons as before that shes been thinking about the future and she needs to find herself, wants independence etc. I'm not an angry person, and if this is the end I want it to end on good terms. So I said okay and went home. The next day we talked and she assured me that her feelings are final, no second chances. After some talking she agreed that we could discuss possibilities after the school play was finished which is sunday. She says she still loves me very much, but is confused whether or not she is still in love with me. But I shouldn't keep my hopes up, she says. One of her big reasons that she told her mom though was that I wasn't exactly mega supportive of her throughout this play (me and her mother talk alot) and I have realized this and I know what I did wrong. It was the only problem my ex told her we had. Anyways, its friday today. We broke up last friday. We've had a few little convos here and there, but nothing about relationship. Just about school work and such. Shes been out of school due to play practice and shes been performing this week. I went opening night and met her after and gave her a hug and told her she was amazing and she did an awesome job. I thought I'd make up for my incompetence by giving her a congrats card. I did a good job holding it, but began to tear after a bit. The look she gave me though was one I was familliar with. Its the one she always gave me when we would talk about deep things and confess our love to each other. So she IM'ed me saying the card was very sweet but says not to expect a major turn around sunday when we talk. The thing is though, I know she hasn't thought about it at all. She wants all of her head in the play, so she wont think about me. So I think that once the play is done, shes have room to think and I might be able to make her see that I know my mistakes, and I love her very much. Today she IM's me saying shes not taking that extra year off and shes going away next year, but shes always been impulsive and it probably won't happen. It doesn't hurt, it actually gives me some hope. We can do long distance, we've done it. And maybe when she thinks, she'll realize she can be independent at university so we can try again until that time and see what happens when we get there. I told her that it kinda ruined my hopes of second chances, but she says nothing. She says we'll talk sunday. I don't know what to expect. Her mom and sister are thinking what I'm thinking. If we're over though we're still going to be friends for sure, no doubt. I just want her to be my loving girlfriend again so we can experience graduation together and a nice awesome summer. I know my story is long, and I probably haven't explained it that great for speculation, but from what you guys gather, what should I think? I wrote a 2ooo word mail explaining how I feel, but haven't sent it. I plan to read it to her on sunday when we can talk. Anyone have any input?
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Dont bother with the email. I made the mistake of doing that and writing letters. She knows how you feel, and as harsh as it is she doesnt care. Im going through something similair to you and trust me it does no good. From all the advice I've gotten, just walk away. If you want to be friends for the sake of being friends then do it. If your looking for that friendship to turn into something else then your doing it for the wrong reasons. The only way she is going to miss you is with NO CONTACT. No Contact is also time for you to get over her and focus on making yourself a better person. It took a while for me to understand that, but trust me it makes sense eventually. You have to ask yourself what is more attractive to her? Something she can have at the snap of her finger or something that she has to work for. I kept making the mistake and assumption that I could get her back by chasing and trying, but it did not work. I rejected most of the advice that I was given and probably made things worse. Dont make the same mistakes as me. No Contact means no phone calls, no emails, and no texts.
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 We're still going to talk, and I'm going to see what happens. If she does want a second go after she speculates on it, the we'll try. If not, then I'll be her best friend. Because the thing is, when she needs them, she has none. I would not agree to be her friend for it to grow into something. I care about this girl, and I know she cares about me even after this. Maybe if we stay friends, that chance will arise one day, but forcing myself to be that just for that sake would not be worth it at all. I know what I'm doing. The whole NO CONTACT thing seems a little bit immature. Why just walk away then try and deal with it?
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 If you're trying to get her back No Contact is the best option. Im around your age and Im going through something very, very similar and I got the No Contact advice. When I started to go No Contact with my ex she went nuts and wanted to take me back, but I didnt do it long enough and she just slipped away again. It's not healthy for you to wait around for her to reconsider. By all means wait to talk to her sunday, but ill almost guarentee you'll be disappointed. Go read my thread its a few down from yours. You'll notice the same desperation in my first few posts. Use the advice that I was given and you have a better chance at getting her back. Dont be a doormat like I was. If you want to be her friend, by all means be her friend. Just dont do it expecting that in 2 weeks shes going to suddenly realize she wants you. No Contact gives you time to heal and get over her. This also gives her the time to think and the time to miss you. Leave this relationship on YOUR terms not hers. If she really loves you and you are important to her she'll come back. If you dont really care about being in a relationship with her then it makes sense to be her friend. Nothing is set in stone, both methods may or may not work.
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 I appreciate all the advice you are giving, and I am taking it into consideration. But I'm waiting until everything is said on sunday. After all is said and its all out there, I'll have a better idea of what I should do, as I do not know how she feels right now. She may already want to get back, but wants to wait. We'll see.
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I got the same response from my ex. She wanted things with me LATER. All she would be doing is putting you on the back burner. Im not saying dont be friends with her, but you should definetly move on before you do so. If she really wanted to get back with you dont you think there would be nothing in her way? She would be pounding on your door crying that she wanted you back. Im telling you right now not to get your hopes up, you'll only be disappointed. Her telling you that she wants to be with you later may just be a way to let you down easy. If you do no contact she will probably miss you. This also gives her time to think. She might realize that she really does want to be with you. Just dont go into the talk all excited that you two will get back together. It sounds like shes already made up her mind. Good luck with the talk and keep us updated. If you really want to be friends with her that bad, tell her you need time to get over her and that maybe then you can be friends. If she doesnt immediately want things with you I would definetly do No Contact because you will most likely get hurt if you dont.
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 I think that will be my plan. If she doesn't want something right now, and we agree to be friends, I'll just say that I can't talk to you for a few weeks. Its hard because we're in some of the same classes. If this happens I'll just have to be my ordinary self. Maybe she'll see what she is missing type of deal.
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Definetly be yourself. Try to act confident and happy. Focus on yourself too, and try to keep busy. You want to seem indifferent and give the appearence that life goes on without her. You dont have to completely ignore her if shes in the same classes as you, but try for as little contact as possible. Just be yourself and know that life goes on.
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 I dunno. I'm just really excited to talk. And not just about us. I've done alot of self realization and I don't really have anyone to talk to, and I think all kinds of things will come out when we do. And as for going into it expecting an immediate get together, I'm not really, or I woulnd't be doing this. I just need to know my options and such. Its like I'm hoping for the best, but I'm expecting the worst.
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 That's a good way to look at it. Just remember that No Contact is for you to get over her and heal after the break up. Definetly go look around the site and read some other threads. Just remember that life goes on(easier said than done I know, I'm still having trouble too). Definetly go look around at other threads because Im fairly new to all of this. I'm going through a break up after an 11 month relationship with a girl I love. It's not easy, just dont trick yourself into thinking that if you stay around she'll take you back.
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 I dunno. The whole no contact thing seems a bit *******-ish. I know she has problems that need sorting, and I would only want to help. Leaving them to herself would only do her no good.
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Dont be a doormat. Think about it, SHE dumped YOU. She chose to voulentarily remove you from her life. You need to leave on your terms and live by your rules. If she wants you to be there so bad she has your number. Be unavailable. She cant have her cake and eat it too. Think about yourself. She made this situation, not you.
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 Well, I'm going to see what happens. If you want a follow up, Evo, check this post somtime late sunday night. Then you'll know what is happening. I'm still borderline on the idea of the NC thing. It seems something that a manly man would do. And I'm not one of those. I'm not a pushover wussy either though. I know she has problems, and I don't need to make her feel worse. Once her mind is free I know she will feel bad. And I couldn't make her feel worse at my gain. But still, we'll see. I'm a very good linguist, and its still the case in some situations where your words can be louder than your actions despite popular consensus.
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 You sound exactly like me. Im the same way as you are. Im not the "manly man" type either and I like to use my words. Just a word of caution, dont try and persuade her. Whatever she tells you just "accept" it. DONT try and make her see things differently. Just think(if your like me you're very opinionated) you wouldnt want someone telling you that your feelings are wrong, right? If you decide to hang around at least make yourself a whole lot less available. I wouldnt call her, let her call you and try to keep the convos short. If she asks you to hang out, tell her your busy and maybe some other time. You need to make her want you. She has to want to be a part of the relationship.
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 The weird thing is though, last time she wanted to break up, she was making no sense and I kind of had to explain what she wanted to think to her. Shes not mental or anything, it was just really weird. She was super stressed and it was like she was having a break down. On a side note; you don't happen to have MSN do you? It seems that its just us talking in here haha.
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Still you have to let her make her own conclusions. Haha, I have AOL instant messenger. Do you have that?
Author Chainbrain Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 No dice. Well, I've just wrote down a list of stuff that I'm going to have to read so I don't deviate. I am going to read her that 2000 word e-mail to start things off though. Its not a confession of love e-mail, but its more a we're going to friends so stuff will be different. It'll get her head gears turning, no doubt. Another thing thats funny. My ex's sister just went through a really big break up and I've been like a bigger brother to her helping her through. But me and her ex were good friends too. Now we're broken up, by me and my ex's sister's ex are still good friends and we're gonna hang out tomorrow. Hes in the same position as me too, just hes older than me.
evo5039 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Ya I know what that's like. My ex's best friend is the ex of my best friend haha. Good luck with everything Sunday night.
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