sarahukusa Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Hello everyone. Im very new here. I found this forum while looking for stories and advice about losing emotional and physical attraction in marriage. I saw a few posts and the replies were refreshingly intelligent, so I thought Id try my luck. For the past few months I've grown more and more tired of my husband. Im no longer attracted to him physically and my emotional attraction is dwindling. We have a completely sexless marriage. I still love my husband VERY much - he is my best friend through and through. But right now our relationship feels more like we're platonic roommates and household business partners, than an intimate couple. I feel like Im missing out on a vital part of life and a substantial part of myself by being in this marriage as it is. Im not willing to give up and throw in the towel just yet, so I called my insurance company and found a marital therapist. Right now Im not prepared to see a couples therapist so I'll be going by myself to work out my individual issues before I ask my husband to participate. We had a "Come-to-Jesus", as my mom calls it, back in January about the future of our relationship. We decided that we loved each other enough to continue in our marriage and give it an honest shot. But nothing has improved. In reality, I feel much worse than I did in January, but admittedly I feel more at peace with how Im feeling. I suppose Im preparing myself for a possible divorce. I havent told my husband about how Im feeling because I dont know if he really has anything to do with the problem of if its just me. If I told him I made an appointment to see a therapist, it would come as a complete shock I think. So my question is - should I tell my husband I'll be going to a therapist for marital and personal counseling, or should I keep it to myself for now and not give him anything to worry about? Like I said, I dont know if the problem is just me or if he's contributing. Id hate to break his heart by telling him Im seeking therapy and WHY if I can make some improvements on my own. At the same time, I hate keeping secrets from him and Im concerned that if I dont tell him what Im doing and why, he wont be able to help me make things better. Im really stuck on this one. Thanks for the help, Sarah
bab Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Sarah, This is an easy one. Tell your husband. If the two of you have already discussed the fact that you are going to work on your marriage relationship, then this is just another step. Keeping secrets from each other will not strengthen the emotional connection that is starting to dwindle. Be open and honest with him. Best of luck to you.
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Definately tell your husband what is going on inside you. Give him a chance to make the marriage work. He may feel exactly like you do, passionless and feel like roommates... You might be surprised HOW MUCH passion you can put back into your marriage if both of you together work hard at recapturing it! Go to marriage counselling together, and definately continue one on one therapy too, as that can only help.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 There is a book written by Shmuley Boteach. He is a rabbi and sociologist. The book is called Koser Adultery. Actually if you are looking to improve things especially sexually and not just for an out, it might behoove you to order a copy. It's terribly interesting with incredible insight into this VERY COMMON situation which you find yourself in. A little dry and clinical at times but an incredible read nonetheless!
Mr. Lucky Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Im no longer attracted to him physically and my emotional attraction is dwindling. We have a completely sexless marriage. You seem to have arrived at a place where it's OK not be attracted to or have sex with your Husband but it's not OK to tell him you're seeking therapy. He must obviously be aware of the problems that exist between the two of you and perhaps your efforts to get help will motivate him. As others have said, tell him... Mr. Lucky
Author sarahukusa Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thank you all for your incredibly kind replies. Your advice has been taken to heart - now to find the courage in myself to let my husband know that things are a lot worse than they may seem and that Im getting some help. There's never a right time for that kind of news, is there? IfWishesWereHorses, thank you for the book recommendation. Im going to order it from Rabbi Shmuley's website. I've enjoyed watching him on TV in Shalom in the Home and on other misc. programs. I think his take on relationships is frank and honest, so I look forward to reading this book - it sounds very interesting. Thank you again. Im sure there will be more to come... hopefully good news and not bad. Your help and advice has been a great boost already. Sarah
Author sarahukusa Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 IfWishesWereHorses, I have been looking at reviews of Kosher Sex by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. I was wondering if you've also read this book and what you think of it? The description of the book says it details the two types of marriages according to Rabbi Shmuley - the best friends and the lovers. This strikes a cord with me because my husband and I are most certainly the "best friends" living a passionless marriage. Im intrigued to see if this book may also be of benefit to me and my marriage, but Im concerned by other reviews on Amazon which describe the book as potentially too conservative for more liberal readers (me!) in terms of what is appropriate sexual activity in a marriage (clothes on/off, lights on/off, porn yes/no, masturbation yes/no). I feel the book may have a lot to offer outside of these conservative views (should they actually play a significant role in Shmuley's *guide to sex and marriage*) and Im certainly capable of taking what I dont personally believe in with a pinch of salt, while still gaining from his other insight. Would you say this book, (if you'e read it) would still be worthwhile for a reader with a pretty liberal view of sex? Thanks!
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