noway Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Risky business, ultimatums are, and I have ALWAYS been one to shy away from ever having to do it, but this has become ridiculous. I consider myself to be a tough girl but enough is enough. If at any point, any of you think that I am just being whiny or insensitive, or selfish and demanding, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know.... Here is the Predicament: We have lived in the same cramped musty dusty efficiency for going on 3 years now. They recently raised the rate...At the very minimal, I think it is time to upgrade to renting an apartment, though I would love to buy a house.. My BF has these moments when he is gung ho over buying a house or condo, and we look around like mad for 2 days and then...nothing..thats it...It has been this way for 2 years now...looking and stopping, looking and stopping...it has gotten to the point that I just go along for the ride knowing that its not going to amount to anything. I have stopped sniffing out leads for potential property, I have stopped talking about it, I have basically just shut down. Any conversation he brings up with regards to this, I offer the bare minimum so as not to be rude when he asks, but basically, he definately knows how I feel, as we have had many many many a discussion, even a fight or two in the past. Going home each day gives me a feeling of impending dread, and I try to put it off as much as possible. I cannot put into words how much I detest this place. And with the new addition of the perverted cousin, I have just about snapped completely. His qualms are this: He would hate to get into an apartment or buy a house and then be stuck in a situation where he cannot afford the mortgage payments, or the rent. Understandable, but together, we definately make enough to at least afford an apartment, if not a house. We both have stable, long term jobs that give us raises fairly frequently, and he also does contract jobs that bring in income. I have thought to issue an ultimatum here....I just cant go on and on living like this for the rest of my life. I say, to talk to him, and give him a month to really do something about it, whether it is going the route of buying a house and getting the necessary approvals and paperwork in order, or renting an apartment- (which can be done in a month, unlike buying a house) or I will leave and rent my own apartment. Am I being bratty and insensitive with this?? Tell me the truth.. Thanks for your time...
Author noway Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 I could really use some advice here..... .....If my actions or feelings seem way out of line, someone please tell me, so I can put things into perspective... I just find this place so draining and exhausting...You wouldnt think it, but an efficiency is actually more work than an apartment. ..Having to cram years upon years worth of stuff (his and mine) into a 2 room place doesnt do wonders for the overall appearance of the place...all of it good stuff, and things we use on a daily basis, but to say that it is overstuffed is a huge understatement. We had to rent a storage to fit the rest of the stuff and its STILL packed to the brim with stuff! Also, I am tired of using the bed for a sofa and table. For 3 years, that is where all the meals are eaten. That is where we watch TV...Its gross, and it pisses me off. It is like we never leave the bed! When I cook inside of there, everything including myself, smell like what we cooked, my allergies have become worse, the amount of dust that collects in 2 days time is awful, and where to store the dirty clothes is an eyesore... I am becoming fed up, and near tears over this madness....I know it seems so trivial, but its not just about the efficiency...its also about the extra work that goes along with having one....I cant do my laundry there, so I have to do it on the street, and that takes 3-4 hours out of my already busy day and that is if I am constantly on guard for an open washer/dryer..otherwise it could take longer.. The pervert moved in and made things worse, constantly trying to one-up his glorious single life, rubbing it in my bf's face, and suggesting they go to strip clubs every other minute. I am so frustrated...someone offer me something I can take with me over the weekend - no computer in the house- Would it be so bad if I gave him a month to get it right or Im gone? Over an apartment?? I know I sound incredibly selfish...
Emotional24 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I don't think its bad when your own happiness is in jeopardy. I believe you should talk to him about it. If you're this unhappy with the living situation it could ultimately put even more stress on your relationship. Hopefully he'll understand and follow through this time. Otherwise I'd say move out into your own apartment like you said. You two can obviously still be a couple but hopefully once he realizes you're ready to move out on your own if he comes with you or not, that he'll go with you? If he doesn't understand or care to make the change for the two of you then maybe you should really be questioning if he's someone you should be with?
Guest Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 you should never put yourself in a position where your happiness takes a back seat to someone else's choices. if my husband was as upset as you about a situation, i would want to sit down and work out a solution that we could both be happy about, and he would do the same for me. the fact that your bf sees how stressed and unhappy you are, but chooses to ignore it for his own selfish reasons, is a huge red flag to me. i would not want to be with such a person, and that right there is reason to move out on your own. to me it is a simple conversation. tell him you have some basic expectations about the type of life you want to live, and that includes your home. he either gets on board and agrees with those choices and you two can move on together, or he has a different vision of his future, and you can move on and get going with the rest of your life. in all situations, living in limbo is much worse than taking action, no matter what that action is.
justagirlforever Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 What is an "efficiency"? Do you think you can afford to rent a nice place (that you would both be happy with), together? A place that you are happy to come home to and call your home? Have you budgeted for this? Are you both working according to a budget at all? Has he been to see a mortgage advisor? There's not point in wasting time looking at properties out of range if it's all just a day-dream. And he has to realise that. I don't think you sound unreasonable at all. It's also worth keeping in mind that people all have different priorities. I lived with my one bf once where he lived in a tiny room above a pub on an extremely noisy intersection (police station one side and hospital further down the road on the other side - so not stop sirens blaring from one or the other). I hated it and it depressed me to no end. He could not understand at all. To him it was more than sufficient and means to an end.
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