sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Hi all: I want to, but can't seem to, get the following words out of my mouth to my boyfriend: "So...have you filed divorce papers yet?" I have been dating my BF for about 3 months now. (We've known each other for 9 months through mutual friends.) He is separated from his wife of 12 years - they've been separated for well over a year; his ex has custody of his 5 year old daughter. Reason for the split: she cheated on him. I knew when I started dating him that they had not yet filed divorce papers, but I learned enough about their relationship and his state of mind (and consulted the trusted mutual friends) to believe that he is not hoping for reconciliation and that he has processed a lot of what's happened between them. I asked early on why they hadn't filed papers, and he said they were both "fundamentally lazy" about it. I told him at that time that I didn't want to be months into a relationship with him and have nothing be changed. He said he completely understood, that it made a lot of sense. So I told myself that around the 3 month mark I would check in again. So here we are, and I'm afraid to ask. Making things that much more fun was my mom on the phone last night, while I was with BF, asking me: "so what's his story? when is his divorce going to be final?" ("Gee mom, I don't know. I don't think he's even filed papers yet!") Okay. So I think I am afraid that the answer is going to be the same - nothing's happened. And that I will then have to either tell him, or tell myself, that I am only going to put up with that for so long. (how long?) I kept trying to find the right moment last night, and this morning, to say something. (In the bathroom mirror I even practiced saying "so, hon, anything going on in the filing divorce papers front?") But I couldn't get the words out. I'm afraid that asking will make him think that I'm ready to marry him, and want him to clear all the legal hurdles to that. I'm NOT at that point yet, no way! I am otherwise happy with where we are, but it's too soon to know if I want to spend my life with him. At the same time, I really don't want to be dating a guy who doesn't appear to want to divorce his (cheating) wife. Sorry for blathering like this. I could use some advice here. Would it be okay to drop him an email about it? I was worried about surprising him with a potentially heavy question by asking in person - the moment never seemed right. Or is email a cowardly way to do it? I try to follow a policy of not discussing important matters via email or phone. But if I'm otherwise too scared or can't find the right moment, maybe email is better than nothing?
2sunny Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 i think if he had filed - then he would have said so.... just because he's procrastinating on it doesn't mean it won't happen. i was the one to tell cheating hubby not to come home - but didn't get the ball rolling for another six months - don't know why - no reason really as i knew i would NEVER take him back... still isn't quite finished even 2 years later... just didn't seem to be hurried... as it wasn't as if i was trying to get married right away...
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks, 2sunny. When BF said he was just 'lazy' about stuff like paperwork, that sounded like a flag to me. Made me wonder, if nothing else, whether actually filing was an emotional hurdle, like it's publicly admitting failure or that it really, really signals the end, or something. In your situation, do you think anything like that might have been going on for you? Did you date anyone (or are you dating anyone) during your separation? How come it's still not finished 2 years later?
jcster Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 So funny, you could be my ex-husband's fiancee. No, our divorce isn't final yet.... we're just lame. She feels justifiably insecure about it, and I don't blame her - though there is no way in the 9 hells we would ever get back together. We're in the process of finishing up the paperwork, and I'm doing it more for her than for any other reason - because quite frankly, I don't care what my marital status is. Just make yourself clear to your boyfriend - and try not to take it to heart. You know how much folks hate to do their taxes - divorce is like taxes x 10.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks, jcster! I think I have hit a sudden moment of insecurity in our relationship even though he's given me no reason to worry. I was starting to think about it earlier this week, and then to have my mom ask about it last night somehow sent me over the edge. (I don't think she's a big fan of him purely based on his marital status, and they're likely to meet each other next weekend, so suddenly I feel like I need answers. A week ago I didn't...I was just enjoying what we have for what it is. Will try to get back into that mental space.) Anyway, thanks for the reassurance that it may actually just be laziness - and for the analogy to doing your taxes. Suddenly I can understand the procrastination!
annabelle75 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 My ex-husband and I say that we are divorced, but in reality we are just seperated for no other reason than he won't finish his part of the paperwork. Neither one of us have any desire to stay together, but neither are in any rush either. We consider ourselves divorced and neither of us are planning on runnging to Vegas and getting married again anytime soon. I wouldn't be concerned really. Its not that abnormal. Its not a reflection on your relationship at all. Now if 5 years from now you're still waiting than there is a problem, but for now just let it go.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks, annabelle. I didn't expect to hear that others had similarly taken awhile to get things done. I guess I always figured that people who are getting a divorce would want to get it all out of the way, pronto. Will try to relax, realize it's not about me (at a gut level I know that), and enjoy what we have. Thanks again.
jcster Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I always figured that people who are getting a divorce would want to get it all out of the way, pronto. I think if there's some property or money issues, or child support - then folks hurry up and get it done. But, as for me, I felt like I did the main part of it when I walked out the door - now it's just baloney paperwork. I'm glad you're feeling better about this - it's really not any reflection on you!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I'm sure he will tell you if and when he files. Only a year? Wow I've been separated over two years and haven't filed yet, neither has my ex. We're just "lazy" I guess! Or so busy doing other things....and we have better things to spend our money on like shoes.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 I am resurrecting this thread only to update it with the news that BF broke up with me this week, because he is unresolved about the end of his marriage...and, it turns out...so is his ex. I have several other threads addressing this most recent turn of events, but for those of you who kindly responded to me on this thread a few weeks ago, well, here's how it turned out.
jcster Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Oh! I am so sorry to hear that. I feel so bad for the new loves in the lives of us divorcees (official or not) sometimes. There's so much baggage that we can't even begin to process, and sometimes don't even recognize. Sometimes it takes years for everything to come out and begin to resolve. Add kids to the mix (don't have any myself - but I can only imagine) and it gets really muddy. I really pity my ex-husband's fiance - I know he hasn't processed all of the mixed emotions that he has over the dissolution of our marriage - and here he is working on number 2.
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