Toni_no12002 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I have a 2 year old son.For a while now ive been taking him to a playgroup which is for an hour and 15 mins.When we first go hes plays fine and then after about 15 minutes he screams and cries and clings to me and wont leave me alone.I have put up with it there for a while and just left when everyone else left even though i felt so stupid because there was nothing i could do. I didnt go for a couple of weeks as one week he had an injection and the next week i couldnt make it.I went today and he did exactly the same.The other mothers tried to help but he just kept running to the door.I was so embarrassed and just felt like crying!In the end i took him home.He does this everywhere i go even if i take him to a friends he will scream and cry constantly and wants me to pick him up all the time.He follows me everywhere. I just dont know what to do!I feel like locking me and him inside the house and never going out anymore because everywhere we go he screams! Hes always been shy but i was told that this playgroup would do him some good and that he will get used to other kids but he still hasnt. Please can anyone help?
Ladyjane14 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I don't know why... but little boys can sometimes be really emotional and tearful when they're small. Maybe they're using it all up against the day when they have to be "manly men" in order to prove their machismo. I think it's normal for two year olds to deal with some separation anxiety. It varies between kids, so you'll see some having a harder time with it than others. Maybe the thing to do would be to just let him hover near you while you're talking with the other moms. That way, he can observe the other kids from a distance and maybe he'll get bored enough to join in. You might meet the group a dozen times before he peels himself off you and approaches the other children. But if you try to encourage him before he's ready... he's just likely to squall and plaster himself to you again. Remember that he senses your anxiety, so the less you show... the more comfortable he is. A matter-of-fact demeanor will carry you far. This really isn't any reflection on you or on your parenting. You're a GOOD parent when you address the needs of YOUR child, right? It doesn't matter what everybody else thinks as long as your kid is getting what he needs. Heck, I couldn't take one of mine out to a restaurant until the kid was FOUR! Every time I turned around, the little monkey was crawling up under the table or making a dash for the aisle. And you know, for every person who cranks their head around and clucks their tongue when witnessing a child having a meltdown at the grocery store... there's another person just like me who's thinking, "What are YOU looking at, Egghead? ...Like YOU never had a temper tantrum when you were a kid!" :p Don't take it all to heart. We've all been there.
quankanne Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 my vote goes with separation anxiety, as well. Two year olds are starting to assert their independence (does the word "NO!" sound familiar with your guy?) yet they still crave knowing mommy or daddy is still there. The suggestion to calmly encourage him to play, but staying in the line of his sight, is really good because it gives him a sense of security that you (who are his universe, at that age) are still there. other thought is to reassure him that he will be fine, that "mommy's here and you're safe." Because once he understands that, he will be less tempermental about "leaving" you. you're a good mommy because you see how this hurts him, so don't second-guess yourself on this issue. now go give the little tiger a hug from yer fellow Shackers!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 How many kids are in this playgroup? He may be overwhelmed even if there are only 4 or 5. Have you tried playdates with just one other child and your son? I would suggest gradually adding another child to the playgroup...maybe start one in your own home so you don't have to drive so far.
Butterflying Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Are the other children in the playgroup the same age? Perhaps there is someone/children in the playgroup who are mistreating your son. I agree that you should try having a smaller play date with your son and one or two other children. Generally, when children are entertained, or occupied well enough, they don't have time to notice their parents aren't around. Your son may have an anxiety of being abandoned by you. Find ways to reassure him that you'll always be there for him, even when he can't see you.
biteme Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Congratulations. You have a NORMAL two year old. Separation anxiety is a normal stage....he WILL out grow it. Talk to your Pediatrician about it and what they recommend. It is frustrating, but dont be embarrassed. He will be ok.
Author Toni_no12002 Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 Hi thankyou all for your replies! I just dont get why he does this every other kid in the playgroup seems to be fine.They will play happily but he is so scared.Id give anything for him to be more independent and just walk off and not even care if im there as long as i know hes ok.It sounds nasty but i dont want to get rid of him i just want him to be more confident. Im a little scared because my mum told me a while ago that my son reminded me of my brother.My brother wouldnt leave her alone and cried and stuff.I dont want my son turning out like my brother did because he went off the rails alot and was an arsonist and tried to kill my dad and things.I know that my son isnt my brother but im scared that he will turn out sort of the same. Also another thing my son does is when hes frustrated or ive told him off for something hes done wrong he will hit himself or bang his head.He even throws himself on the floor to hurt himself.I feel like such a bad mum because surely hes the way he is because ive done something wrong!I dont understand it!
Ladyjane14 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Also another thing my son does is when hes frustrated or ive told him off for something hes done wrong he will hit himself or bang his head.He even throws himself on the floor to hurt himself.I feel like such a bad mum because surely hes the way he is because ive done something wrong!I dont understand it! Some kids don't have much tolerance for "frustration". One of mine was so bad about it, I honestly thought there was something wrong. It's unnerving when you're not quite sure if your kid is normal, I'll give you that. But if you think of "the ability to cope with frustration" as being on a sliding scale... I think it'll give you some perspective. But as long as your pediatrician is confident that your son's developing normally... I wouldn't worry too much if I were you. YOUR anxiety increase the difficulty level of dealing with the problems. It feels "messy" as you're going through it, handling one melt-down at a time. It makes you wonder if you're doing your job right as a Mom sometimes. But it does get better. My kid didn't firmly grasp any kind of REAL coping skills until second grade, and it wasn't until fifth grade before these skills were more or less mastered. And STILL, there are days when some little thing will creep up on him and send him into a spiral. As time goes by though, they learn to recognize it for what it is, and to recover faster. I'll tell you what I did when mine was two and in full-blown out-of-control tantrum. I'd read this in a parenting magazine and it worked pretty well. First, you have to protect yourself against biting.. so I'd throw a big thick quilt over my chest and shoulder. Then place the child on my lap, chest to chest with the child's legs on either side of my waist, and his arms tucked gently but securely beneath mine. Then I'd just hold him there, soothing and talking, but NOT letting him go. We're talking LOTS of screaming and crying here.. but once the tantrum is cried out, they relax and let you comfort them. Frustration can be like bad energy with nowhere to go. Crying gives it an outlet. An out-of-control child is asking for their parent to assume calm, assertive, control. Mine have heard it a thousand times over the course of childhood.. "If you can't control yourself... I'll do it FOR you, buddy." These days, they roll their eyes when they hear that, but they also button their lip and get command of themselves. I don't think I had to do that maneuver more than three times before he learned that he was going to stay where I put him. After that, we were able to go to a more traditional "time-out". Two minutes for two year-olds, three minutes at age three... and so on. And yeah, they'll cry and fuss. But that's just letting the poison out.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 First of all, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, though I've been there! There was a time when I thought I was going to swear off of birthday parties when my youngest decided to play toss the waterford at two! I had to deal with the separation anxiety with my youngest who is also a boy. I put him in a small mother's day out when he was 1 for two mornings a week to help care for my grandmother in a nursing home. The first day he cried his eyes out but they said to leave and he would be fine. 45 minutes later they asked me to come back and get him! This went on for a few weeks and I called a child psychiatrist friend of mine. She suggested that for the next few weeks I stay with him the whole time at first, then to decrease the time each time. She also told me to play with him for a short while but to basically ingore him the rest of the time and allow his teacher to care for him. I believe it took 4 days total. Each year for 3 years I went through this when he moved up to an older class. I would suggest easing him into what ever you decide to do for him. Do you leave him with family or grandparents?
KeysGirl07 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 My son was the same way when he was a toddler. I'd take him to daycare and he'd throw a major fit and hold out his arms yelling "Mommy!!!!'. I'd kiss him and tell him he'd be fine and he'd have a great day - then one of the daycare workers would take him and I would turn around and leave to go to work. Funny but almost immediately after I left he would stop crying and focus his attention on the other kids and would be perfectly fine! It was just separation anxiety. Little kids don't realize that you ARE coming back later. This was just a stage for him - he grew out of it and is now 15 years old! He looks back fondly at those days at his daycare as he loved that daycare as he attended it up until he was in 6th grade. Now he's Mr. Cool - he wants his privacy and he's into "hot chicks" . I miss those days when he was a little guy - he worshipped me and lived for his mommy! Those were the days....
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