End it after 10 years?

[FNB]

Long Story about being controlled and me being a wuss about it -

 

Met my partner at 23yo, 6 months later moved in together. Never had another relationship before that. After a couple years things started to change as he increasingly took control over me by telling my what I could or couldnt wear, i had to ask for permission to go out with friends, concerts, etc

 

I didnt speak up as to not upset him and rock the boat. I thought I was supposed to compromise cuz I loved him so I could just hold in my feelings. After a couple days I would forget about what I was upset about and then it would be back to normal till the next time where I would get upset again but not say anything. I just internalized for years.

 

Last month I was offered a job I would have loved to take for the summer, thing is I would have worked on the weekends. He forbid me from taking the job because then he wanted to spend the weekends together all summer. I said its just one summer right? Well I ended up turning it down and was crushed. Last week he finds a reciept for a necklace i bought for myself, he got upset because I was buying it behind his back (he hates jewelry and has told me i shouldn't wear it in the past)

 

I finally broke and said I have been living two lives for a long time. One that satisfies him and agrees with everything he says and one that I like where I wear things and go places I like without him knowing so as not to upset him. I tried to please him and me by doing this. I also spoke finally and said turning down that job was the cruelest thing he could have done.

 

Now he says he has realized what he has been doing and he vows to change as long as I stay committed to it as he is. The problem is I feel like if I stay I wont change myself and still fall under the subserviant pleasing person I've always been. How can I start to be myself again when I dont know who I am?

 

I need time to think about if I want to stay in this relationship and he cant fathom why that is. He says after 10 years I shouldn't be so crushed that I cant try to get past this. He said I should speak up and tell him what bothers me from now on and he will try to adjust. I'm afraid he cant because thats just who he is.

 

I'm at a loss because what if I break up and I'm miserable?

 

What if I give him a chance to change and then after a while we fall back into the same pattern?

 

There 's so many what if's? Am I crazy for thinking hard about ending this. I just have a knot in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach for the last week and a half since the big fight. He says he cant go on waiting for me to make a decision. Any advice?

[Joyvke]

He says he want you to speak up. And then listen. Have you ever tried before to speak up and he not listening? Maybe get a relationship counselir, tho I think it's not a healthy relationship if you lived 2 lives...