I'm in my 8th month of pregnancy, what the h@ll is he doing?

[feelrealempty]

I havent been here in a while, which was a good thing. I have been here before, with the same guy for 8 yrs now. Big problems all the way through from him cheating, lying, breaking up then everytime I leave him within a month or two he's back promising the world.

 

About a year ago it happened he came back crying claiming he couldn't live without me he was going to move to FL. blah blah blah. I feel for it, I got pregnant ( for the second time we have a 5 yr old son together) he took me on a cruise and we got engaged, he then bought me a truck for my bday. He has spent the last 5 months redoing the house the bedrooms the baby's nursery.

 

I never in a million yrs would have thought he was cheating on me, he's always home very rarely ever goes out always answers his phone and I mean we are engaged. We went to a baseball game on Sunday and I was holding his phone when a text message came up from a local number (which I don't remember what the number was) it said "when r u going to move to FL. with me" I asked who it was he took the phone said he didn't know I asked him to give me the phone so I could the number and he lied and told me the text deletes itself (bull****) I told him he lied and we were going to be through if he lied I demanded to know why he was lying. We got home and he wouldn't respond to anything I said it was like I wasn't even there, he told me he would leave if I didn't stop and sure enough he left. Gone for 2 nights even after he knew I was going to take everything and move back to my mothers ( thats what I would normally do).

 

After 2 days he finally answered his phone and agreed to meet for dinner.

Some mutual friends of ours had convinced me he just didn't know who it was and he just wanted to avoid a arguement and he was upset that I wouldn't take his word,and he wasn't doing anything wrong. Well I started to believe I over reacted and first thing I said that night at dinner was I sorry and I would have never thought anything had he not lied about the text deleted and that was all I wanted to know was why did he lie.

 

Thats when things got even stranger he said thats besided the point our relationship is just not right, we fight we don't respect eachother, we aren't friends I can't tell you things blah blah blah. I finally got he didn't know why he lied he figured it would have jsut ended it there (which it probably would have had I beleived text messages just delete themselves).

 

Even still I agreed things haven't been right but I'm also having a very tough unhappy pregnancy (I'm off my anti depressant's) there was alot of stress with the construction and other things but all normal couples go through things right?

 

So Now he's not sure what he wants and we need to be honest with eachother, last night I tried to tell him I loved him and got no response.

 

I am so hurt, so confused, so scared and don't know what to do.

[feelrealempty]

I texted him this morning "Can I take you on a date Saturday night, just the 2 of us" at 4:30pm he called I asked why he hadn't replied he said will talk when I get home about it. I said what's there to talk about, to which he said, I don't know what to do so we'll talk when I get home.

 

Now its 10pm and he isn't home.........................

[whichwayisup]

You really don't need this extra stress during your pregnancy...I am sorry that you're going through so much right now. This is supposed to be a happy time, for both of you, but he is making it harder for you.

 

His actions are not showing you that he is in for the long haul. OFCOURSE he is going to deny any sort of an affair, physical or an emotional one...His past behaviour is a clue of what he is doing now....He also knows that if he sweet talks you enough, you'll take him back.

 

Talk to your mom, talk to your closest friends- Decide what YOU want. A man who is constantly going to be cheating on you, or at best, making you worry that he will...Could you ever fully trust him? My guess is no...

 

The other thing is, he knows you know and is thinking of how he is going to lie to you. Make him tell you the truth, even if it hurts. Best to know than not know...He owes you that much.

[feelrealempty]

I just called him to ask how work is going(he told me he was working late)

he answered, he's drinking with friends. I said thanks for calling, he said sorry I didn't call you, I said plan on coming home soon or no he said yes, probalby wont be home for hours, thank god I'll always be here to take care of the kids. he has no care in the world, I'm going to try not to bring up SaturdAY again it will just make me upset

 

I need to be emotionally done with this relationship, it's just heartbreaking thinking of it being over for ever..................................ssssssssssuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkksssssssss

[whichwayisup]

Think it's time you head to your mom's place. Seriously, this man has NO respect for you, for your child or your unborn baby. HE is a FOOL! You're more or less doing it on your own - SO please, think about ending this relationship with him...DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY! He is NOT going to be a loving and supportive husband, let alone a good father. His actions are showing you this!

[daisydo]

This man's only concern is for himself.

 

I am sorry you are going through this situation during this difficult time. You are a strong person though - you've persevered for this long!

 

Use your family and friends as your support system and you can get through this. You do not need the CHAOS he will introduce into your home.

 

Best of luck.

[sweetbutcheeky]

No matter what is going on with him he shouldn't be putting you through it right now, he obviously doesn't care about your health or the baby's to be putting you through this right now.

 

I think you should stop calling him so much, give him space and give yourself space (move) to relieve the stress on the 2 of you (you and the baby).

[Fester Lungblood]

Here are your options: Choose to continue to associate yourself with this loser and look forward to a life that will provide your children with anxiety, low self-esteem, tendencies toward substance abuse, low academic performance, poor relationships like their mother's current one, etc.

 

OR;

 

Choose to take steps that end any and all interations with this loser and make clear and specific plans to raise your children in a healthy, stable, nurturing environment with a Mom who is focused on their perfect growth rather than on her emotional reactions to a guy her own low self-esteem seems to need. My advice would be to go for the second option.

[Mary3]

I would move out and contact the DA's office to get child support going for the two kids ....

[feelrealempty]

I want to thank you all for your responses. He finally came home around 1am totally ***** faced to the point he's in the basement because he doesn't feel good.

 

I am listening to all of the advice you are all giving me. I do know what the right thing to do is, LEAVE. Here's the thing though, I think I need serious help because it should be easy for me to do and it hurts, I can't picture myself doing it. I keep grasping at the idea maybe he'll be different, maybe he'll really love me. Thats a problem. The other problem is I think he has a problem because he does these things and he can be the greatest most caring guy in the world to the biggest ******* that ever walked the earth. I find myself worring about him, thats a problem. When I have left him in the past he comes back crying and threating suicide or giving up on his buisness, house, himself, because he can't live without me, he gets drunk every night does drugs. Then when I come back he drops all his habits and is great for about 6-7 months before he starts this crap again. I know that is a problem he has, and I know its not mine but I do love him and he is my childrens father so I care (probably more than I should).

 

All these things are problems, I do know I will not marry him. I just need help I think I have a real problem. Thank you all very much at least here I feel like I have people I can be honest with.

[Mary3]

This man is the master manipulator. He treats you horrid and then he threatens to commit suicide. He works on your feelings 24/7 in order to get his life HIS way.

 

I doubt he would own up to child support anyway. I would get some counseling for yourself and GET OUT of this drug/alchohol nightmare.

 

Its not easy but you can do it with the help of your counselor who can guide you to find a way to get out and STAY out.

 

He's like the sinking Titanic. Please don't let him take you and the kids down in the water with him...

[stillafool]

I think this guy is not going to change. Don't be fooled by his begging you back after he's made you leave thing. He's only in love with himself not you. He leaves and starts thinking about what a louse he's been and most men hate living without their kids. That's what's tying him to you. Also he probably knows he'll have to fork over child support if you leave him. Definitely make him pay by court order. I know you love him but it doesn't seem like he loves you. He obviously promised that girl he was going to move to FL with her. Now he's got you begging after him when he's the one who was wrong. It almost sounds like he wants to break up with you and was just waiting for any excuse he could find. He should be begging you to forgive him and explain that text message. Instead he stays out and drinks with his friends (or whoever) until 1:00AM with no concern for what that is doing to your emotions.

[nittygritty]

I think you and your little boy should go stay at your Mom's house until after the baby is born.

 

If you don't want to go then you should see if your Mom or someone else can take care of your little boy for you while you stay to cry hysterically begging, arguing, interrogating and apologizing to your boyfriend

 

I am sorry to sound so harsh but if you would start looking at this thru your 5 year olds eyes you would see that what is going on at your house with you and daddy is nuts. Not anything your little boy and new baby need to grow up around.

 

You need to get it together and quit worrying about what this jerk is going to do to you and your kids next. Take Control of the situation and get you and your kids safe and away from the crazy behavior.

 

The idea of going through childbirth alone and taking care of a newborn and a 5 year old without help from your boyfriend isn't scary when you realize that you already are raising your kids by yourself.

 

Your family and good friends will be there for you to help you.

You can get a lot of good emotional support on LS.

 

God is always there for you, whether or not you believe it.

You can find a lot of strength through prayer when things are really tough.

 

A good self help book you may enjoy reading is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

 

Al-Anon is also a good free resource for help.

 

Take Care of yourself and your kids

[lovely01]

my husband does the same thing he says he will be better does for a little while then goes right back to being a selfish ass. i am 4 months into my pregnancy and relizing that he will never change.he is just trying to make you happy for a little while then they change back into the real selfish ass . . you need to take care of yourself and your other little one .

[Lishy]

You know, I read this story and it makes me want to cry!

 

I know how you feel, You feel too scared to leave, you just want someone to wave a magic wand and make it all ok .... am I right?

 

I dont know your fiance but I bet he has some great points, I bet at times things are great BUT you I have to say that you need to get away from him.

 

You wont do it though because the fear is too great, all you want is for him to say something that makes it all ok and for you to live happy ever after. It is so very doubtful that that will happen hon. Sorry to break it to you but he is a major loser who manipulates you and cheats on you and lies to you and then thinks it is ok to walk back in, threaten suicide and you will take him back. He does this because YOU ALLOW HIM TO!!!!!!!

 

But you love him

 

But you have a child with him and are 4 weeks away from giving birth.

 

But you dont want to leave, you just want it all to be ok

 

It is so highly unlikely that he will change. My sis said this to me when I was making excuses not to leave my loser ex 'Why are you staying babe you are just putting off the inevitable' .... That was the best advice of my life - You will not know the bad time I have had since I left him but I have to say I am happier now (2 1/2 yrs later) then I ever have been.

 

Leaving him was the hardest/scariest time of my life but leaving him has made me the happiest I have ever been.

 

I cant offer you advice all I can say is that I hope you get the strength to see things for what they are and to make the best decision for you and your lovely kids

 

we only have one life, and its short, so why stick to one guy who treats you like crap when there are TONS of guys who would treat you like the special person you are?

 

Good luck and God bless xx

[AFarAwayPlace]

I hate when people deflect, he's deflecting the topic, bringing up all sorts of other matters. The fact is he got a text like that and should be explaining it, not deflecting off the topic. He then runs away like a 2 y/o instead of being there for you dealing with this. He's cheating, for sure in my opinion.

[nittygritty]

You can choose to play the part of a "Victim" for the rest your life.

 

You can scream it at the top of your lungs. Wear the "Victim Badges" with pride. Collect a house full of "Victim Trophies" and roll around on the floor babbling "Victim" nonsense for the rest of your time on this earth.

 

Or you can do what I did and become a hopeful graduate of the "School of Hardknocks" and admit to yourself, "hey, I screwed up and didn't pick a responsible partner to be a parent with".

 

Have a good cry about it. Then fix it.

[feelrealempty]

To hear eveyone say the same thing is like a slap in the face, yet nothing I dont already know.

 

He has done this to me forever and I think I have a serious problem please don't bet me up over it, I really need to know what to do because I know its a problem.

 

He iss truely rotten he is so mean when he wants to be, yet so great in other ways when in wants to be. He is so abusive to me rightnow its not even funny. To make matters worse (than him finding eveything in the world wrong with our relationship and treating me like ****) his nephew shows up here tonight upset because his girlfriend threw him out of the house so MR HOLE had to go have drinks with him because he was so upset. Didn't care about our problems or my feelings or me telling him he was wrong to leave again, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and I was over reacting. So all this means is now his newphew that is 5 years younger than him has no place to stay and is single now and loves to go out so where do I think he's going to be staying #1 and what is my MR HOLE going to be doing now everytime his single newphew walks out the door.

 

!st problem is right this minute there is no way being this pregnant that I can move all my stuff and my mother has her house torn apart because of construction.

 

2nd problem is I don't feel like I would be strong enough to turn away when he comes crying back, if I were strong enough I would have done it before.

 

Thats the problem I need help with I don't think I could leave because I feel I will end up right back in the same place 3 months from now and it disrupts too many lives everytime this happens.

 

Please dont beat me up about this I feel I know its wrong its just everytime I want to believe sort of the way Lishy said. I do believe there is something wrong with me to continue like this I just need help figuring out what it is and how to cope and fix it.

 

I try very hard not to fight and argue in front of my son but he knows when I'm upset I can tell and that does make me feel horrible.

[nittygritty]

Maybe you will feel strong enough to leave in 2 or 3 months.

 

When he is home, you and your little boy should hang out at Mom's or some place else.

 

Your hormones are going to add to your anxiety about everything.

Try to detach emotionally from worrying about what he is going to do and just stay focused on taking care of your little boy and yourself.

 

Realize that you are a lot stronger person than you think you are.

[Lishy]

Well honey I was in the same position so I know how you feel - It took me a year to leave! A year of misery, abuse, fear and guilt!

 

One day honey you will snap, something in you will give and you will know you are leaving for good!

 

Now is not a good time to go in your situation - It is putting off the inevitable but you are 8 months pregnant, hormones all over the place.

 

No one can give you the strength to leave hon only YOU can do that and one day it will come!

 

No one says it is easy to leave an abuser as you get drawn into it slowly and it becomes a way of life.

 

Keep us updated and talk about things as much as you can hon - It will help you realise the situation you are truly in and it may give you the strength you are searching for.

 

I dont judge you for staying with him - I just feel sorry that you are in this situation in the first place!

[amaysngrace]

I dont judge you for staying with him - I just feel sorry that you are in this situation in the first place!

 

 

Same. I stayed with my exH for years before leaving. And he was everything your guy is. Plus physically abusive.

 

Timing is everything. You have a lot going on right now. But the emotional detachment someone else said is a very good idea. Don't let what he does bother you. If he says something evil look at him with a smile the whole time thinking in the back of your mind "i don't give a sh*t what you think or do". Know if he's with another woman then that's unfortunate for the other woman. Give her your sympathies. If he can't treat you right, the mother of his children, how on earth will he ever treat anyone right?

 

The guy has no respect. Give any and all respect you normally give to him back to yourself and your child. Don't disrespect him verbally. Play nice for as long as you have to.

 

And start thinking on how you will be able to leave this bastard. What needs to happen? What do you need to do? It may take a year or more so do what you can do now to see that you can leave him. You need a plan.

 

I would also suggest you go for counseling. Look and see if there is a CARA near you. It's free. And if not you can always check out what's available to you at the nearest women's center. They may have free counseling for you there as well. Maybe after the baby is born your mom can take the kids for you for an hour a week.

 

Just try to take it easy now. You are very pregnant and you have had enough chaos during this pregnancy. It's time to focus on what truly matters...you and that child and your five year old. Unborn babies can sense a mother's stress. So take it easy on yourself now.

 

Hey, we all make mistakes. So you made a bad choice by choosing a loser. So did I. But I have two great kids by that loser. And believe it or not, how you handle this whole situation you find yourself in will one day be a measure in your life when you can look back and say "look how far I've come".

 

Luck and love to you!! XO

[Lishy]

amay you have just given her the best advice she can get!

 

Well done!

 

We are survivors and one day she will be in our shoes and look back aqnd wonder why she put up with it for so long.

 

Until that day - Stay calm and think about your escape!!!!!!!!!!