Bleedingheart Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Tomcat, beats me, I have no idea what any of it means either. That is why I need another opinion. He actually told me that if it were reverse he would understadn and that I should go out and find someone to f*** too because that is what he wants to do, so we both should. He told me that it would bother him and he would be hurt but he thinks I "need" it. Yeah right, I know exactly how he would take that. I am not an idiot. So I asked him. So basically we both go out mess around come back to eachother and everything will be roses? He said yes. I told him life just doesn't work that way. I think he is missing that falling in love feeling. You know what I have no idea what he is thinking. I am frustrated and upset and this is consuming me. It hurts a lot and I really don't know what to do anymore. I just want it to end. Sowing is oats is going to be a lot of fun with my name literally written over is heart in big letters. The man I married was not like this. I think my H is missing the single life badly and his soul has been abducted. I know I need to prepare for the worst. I will be ok. (I already have one Masters I was working on a second just now.) I have a really secure job and one on the side from home. So I know I will be okay financially. My dad always said to be sure you can survive with or without a man. I just preferred with.
Trialbyfire Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 I have no idea what any of it means either. That is why I need another opinion. He actually told me that if it were reverse he would understadn and that I should go out and find someone to f*** too because that is what he wants to do, so we both should. He told me that it would bother him and he would be hurt but he thinks I "need" it. Hon, you have a classic cake eater here. He's looking for your permission for an open marriage. If it's not what you want, shut him down now by expressing your opinion. Leave no squirm room. He has to understand your boundaries. No open marriage, no third party interference. Your marriage is between the two of you.
Bleedingheart Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Yeah, I just dont understand why he feels like this now. He was not like this before.
Trialbyfire Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 He's currently being governed by the little monster in his pants... You know what you have to do. Right now, you're also at a point of indecision because you're scared of the consequences of any action(s) you choose to take. You strike me as a strong and capable woman, who isn't afraid of looking for help by reviewing all your options. He can't have everything and has to understand that his children and you are his priorities. If he doesn't understand this, there will be no reasoning with him. As I've said to more than one member, some people need to hit rock bottom before they can pick themselves back up again. With this in mind, once again, you cannot control him, only yourself. Can you live with a half a man?
nittygritty Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Maybe you should do a little private detective work and find out if he has already been enjoying his piece of cake? Check cell phone bills for repeated calls to numbers you don't recognize. Check credit card statements for unusual purchases. IMO he needs to take his "space time" someplace else.
Tomcat33 Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Tomcat, beats me, I have no idea what any of it means either. That is why I need another opinion. He actually told me that if it were reverse he would understadn and that I should go out and find someone to f*** too because that is what he wants to do, so we both should. He told me that it would bother him and he would be hurt but he thinks I "need" it. Yeah right, I know exactly how he would take that. I am not an idiot. So I asked him. So basically we both go out mess around come back to eachother and everything will be roses? He said yes. I told him life just doesn't work that way. I think he is missing that falling in love feeling. You know what I have no idea what he is thinking. I am frustrated and upset and this is consuming me. It hurts a lot and I really don't know what to do anymore. I just want it to end. Sowing is oats is going to be a lot of fun with my name literally written over is heart in big letters. The man I married was not like this. I think my H is missing the single life badly and his soul has been abducted. I know I need to prepare for the worst. I will be ok. (I already have one Masters I was working on a second just now.) I have a really secure job and one on the side from home. So I know I will be okay financially. My dad always said to be sure you can survive with or without a man. I just preferred with. Bleedingheart: I am so sorry for your paing, I can totally understand your frustration and what your H is doing is beyond selfish. It's downright crazy. When you originally posted your situation I was hopeful in that he reached out to you and is craying out for help, but now as you share more information I am changing my mind. Looking at it from the outside it appears to me as I said earlier that he is just looking for an approval to go out and have his one go at the freelife, with the security that you will stick around for him to decides to get out of his system what he needs to. It looks like the reason he shared this information with you was to feel less guilty about doing what he feels he wants to do. I know this is your life and you need to be prepared to face the situation at your own pace my opinion is this: When and if you are ready to let him go (you have to be strong and conviced that it might not work in your favour and be prepared to let hime go) you could sit him down and tell him what the steps to come are going to be. a) We have a problem, we need to fix it, we need to fix it TOGETHER not off on our own having flings on each other's backs. It doesn't matter how in favour you are of that I am not. So end of story on that point because we are in partnership together, we make decisions that we are BOTH comfortable with not one side of the team. b) We need to go to councelling we cannot do this alone and if we want to work on the marriage and making it better we need to do the right steps to fix it, councelling is the way. c) If a and b cannot be done then c is you (meaning him) need to move out. I am not here for you, we are no longer a married couple. You don't get to wake up with the kids on weekends, you don't get to come home to home made meals, you don't get my moral or emotional support, you CERTAINLY do not get sex with me, you get to move out and start your life on your own because under my roof there is room for you me and children and no one else! (But you have to be very firm on this and no backpeddling) If he packs his things and goes you let him go, I know it will be very hard but you will win nothing by holding him against his will. He needs to understand that his fantasy might be great for him, and while you understand his "crisis" you don't understand this ridiculous behaviour that is harming you.
greeneyes78 Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 How much do you know about his single life prior to the two of you meeting? Did he date a lot? Did he have his fun, so to speak? Is it possible that he's now acting out behavior that was trapped inside for X many years? Not that it's your fault or your problem, I'm just trying to think here... it just seems so bizarre what he's doing right now. Also, I think that it one of your posts you mentioned that the OW isn't exactly a knockout and you question the physical/sexual attraction. So, if their "bond" happens on an emotional level, she's providing him with something that he's not getting from you. I would imagine that this is an ego trip. Is it your level of education? Is it the fact that you make more money? He might feel like he has more in common with her, because maybe him/her and their work environment are less "intellectual" (?? I don't know; I'm just guessing here... you have an MBA and he works in a restaurant) I know it's difficult to comprehend or deal with, because after all it's not like you should apologize for having a career, having goals, having a life... but don't be surprised if this is a self-esteem issue manifesting. I don't know how the two of you can bridge that gap if he just can't keep up.. not that he's not capable, but it sounds like he lacks the commitment and follow-through. Maybe on one hand he wishes he was where you are education/career wise, but on the other hand doesn't want to put the work in to get there? Or maybe he's simply not the ambitious type......... no harm in that; you're simply different... he just needs to learn to live with that and feel content as a man, as a husband, as a human being. Maybe that's something that the two of you can talk about? The other lady may come with lower standards, which is making him feel more comfortable or more manly... whereas you might be putting him slightly outside of his comfort zone. Again, I'm just speculating based on info extracted from your posts. All the best to you... Keep your head up high. And I agree with others, I wouldn't let him "test the waters". You sound like a lovely, confident woman... don't let him bruise that self-confidence.
Bleedingheart Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Bleedingheart: Looking at it from the outside it appears to me as I said earlier that he is just looking for an approval to go out and have his one go at the freelife, with the security that you will stick around for him to decides to get out of his system what he needs to. It looks like the reason he shared this information with you was to feel less guilty about doing what he feels he wants to do. Yes, that is how I was starting to feel. That is why I told him he may lose me. SInce I told him he may end up losing me, there has been no more talk of me finding someone, or of her as a matter of fact. Greeneyes, Your post is very interesting. It has me thinking. I know that before we got together he played the field a lot. He even had a list at some point. I have seen the list. Insane, did not even always have names. I understand what your saying about the "connection." It could very well be he just needs someone to stroke his ego. I think highly of him, but have a hard time vocalizing it. Instead I buy him a lot of stuff and do things for him. I do tell him every now and then and I do encourage him to go to school. My job is very different. I teach all levels of Biology from reg to AP at a high school. He actually works with a few of my former students. He has always told me that if he had had an upbringing like mine he would have went to college too, but there was no one home to support him, they were just insulted all the time. (I have witnessed the abuse myself when his father lived with us. I literally dropped my FIL off at the rescue mission one day to stop him from always belittling my H plus our kids did not need to hear that.) I have seen a few instance of low self esteem. My H is good looking but does not think so, he really is though. The girls he works with are always having crushes on him. Nothing new. This one girl though, she took it too far and this is what happened. I warned my H too. I knew something was up with her. She came along when he was feeling particularyly low. He thought I was crazy. But I had a feeling, she has bad vibes, I told him that months ago already. The other girls never pursued my H like this.
Virgo1982 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 You all have been helpful in your comments. I wanted to post here to get an idea of what the other side gives to the MM. So I know what I need to give to my H. I completely understand the significance of him telling me these feeling. Just so you know it has been about two weeks now. He has not mentioned her anymore and has seemed more interested in me and the kids lately. But still there are no signs of him wanting to do anything with just him and I. That makes me sad. For your situation, it sounds as if he is seeking the company of this OW because you remind him that "he has not accomplished anything." Not verbally, but in a sense, I'm thinking that if the OW works with him, he feels as if he is on the "same level" with her.
Trialbyfire Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 BH, make sure you don't allow his issues of insecurity to become your responsibility. You're not his mother, you're his partner.
Recommended Posts