eroche Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Note that I have been 8 years relationship. 2 months ago I was told by my wife she has been cheating with a married guy for around 6 months. I was told because his wife had called my wife. Otherwise it would have continued. After 1 1/2 trying to deal with it both she was again with him. And have had contact all the time. Now she has stopped the relationship, but is in love even though she doesnt want to loose me since she "still loves me". I have made a thread under http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t118532/ It could give you more background. Let me as you this: 1. When cheating, is it normal to have a double life? 2. Is it normal to lie alot? 3. Is the falling in love real? 4. Is it a form of escapism? 5. Is it normal to love your husband and still be in love? 6. When reality kicks in can that "in love" dissapear? 7. Is this totally normal? Are there more things going on when you live a double life, like subconsious issues? Needs, issues we have not dealt with in the past? 8. Can you motivate yourself to make a stop and take the consequences? Maybe stupid questions? But i have to admit I was thinking of having such doublelife but didnt! Simply because I went on sites like this, talked to people etc. But before I will go in therapy (to deal with the anger ofcourse) and hopefully my wife as well, I would like to hear your opinion. Thanks Eric
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 1. When cheating, is it normal to have a double life? 2. Is it normal to lie alot? 3. Is the falling in love real? 4. Is it a form of escapism? 5. Is it normal to love your husband and still be in love? 6. When reality kicks in can that "in love" dissapear? 7. Is this totally normal? Are there more things going on when you live a double life, like subconsious issues? Needs, issues we have not dealt with in the past? 8. Can you motivate yourself to make a stop and take the consequences? 1. Yes and no. Yes for people who can compartmentalize, and no for those who can't. Understand that 'normal' in this case is relative. a. Some people are able to compartmentalize easily and can maintain two separate but equal relationships. They don't want to lose either one, and can't function well with only one. They love both their spouse, and their other person - in different ways, but equally. Those types are called 'cake eaters'. They are the ones who stay married because they do love their spouse, even though they keep someone on the side. If they divorce and marry the other person, it won't take them long to find someone else to fill in that vacant 'other person' spot. b. The other type are the ones who can't compartmentalize - they steal their emotions and feelings away from their spouse and transfer it to the other person. They are with the spouse out of guilt and obligation while they save the love and passion for someone else. These are the ones who usually end up divorcing because they do not love their spouse anymore, and can see themselves having a real future with the other person. If they do not divorce, there is a chance that they can reconcile and find love for their spouse again - but the affair has to be over, and there has to be absolute no contact with no hope of ever restarting the affair again. 2. Lying is the lifeblood of the affair. Without lies, the affair cannot exist. So, that said - yes, it is normal for them to lie. They lie to you, and they lie to their other person. They have to tell them each what they want to hear, in order to keep things running smoothly. 3. As much as I hate to say this - yes. It is real, in a sense. Think of times you fell madly in love with someone, and how much you wanted to be with them all the time - wasn't that real? Putting a ring on your finger, and signing a piece of paper doesn't magically make the potential for that with someone else to go away. Now, it usually isn't a lasting sort of love, though - its more of a crush type of love than the type of love found between long term couples. The affair love is fueled by sexual tension and passion, rather than a sense of trust and longevity. That always fades away, though. Eventually. It takes longer for it to wear off in an affair, because you only get to see the affair person for limited amounts of time, and you are always pulling out your A game with the affair person - so the illusion lasts a little longer, but it fades eventually. Just like it does in any relationship. What it is replaced with is what makes the difference. Usually, since the married person already has a bond with the spouse, and has become bored with the other person - its time to fall in love again, ditch the OM/OW and find a new one. Its the thrill of falling in love that a lot of them seek, rather than finding value in any paticular person. They are 'in love' with the idea of falling in love. 4. Yes. When the married person cheats they are looking to someone else for what is missing in themselves and in their marriage. They find someone to be with and map all that 'neediness' onto the other person and through wishful thinking and false hope turn the other person into a 'soulmate' - they trick themselves into thinking they have found all they were missing in their lives and relationship. When the passion wears off though, they realize how wrong they were about that. It is easy to see the things you want to see, and it is always a letdown when you see what is really there. 5. Yes. When you are in an affair - you can love and care for your spouse, and be 'in love' with someone else. The love for the spouse is one based on an entirely different set of criteria though - the type of "in love" that you feel in an affair is 95% sex/passion and 5% wishful thinking and false hope. The type of love you feel for your spouse is based on more enduring sorts of things - shared history, longevity, legacy, etc. The passion/sex might be gone and going to someone else, but that doesn't change the fact that there is a bond with the spouse that is hard to break. 6. When reality sets in in the form of exposure, then yes - that "in love" is like having a bucket of icewater thrown in your face, particularly when the other person is also married and stands to lose in the situation. Generally speaking, they choose the bond of the spouse of the "in love" of the affair and neither can seem to throw the other under the bus fast enough. They privately mourn the loss of what they had, while openly trying to reconcile with their spouses. 7. Yes. Those are best brought up in marriage counseling after the affair is over, and there is no hope that it will start up again. 8. Only when faced with loss. People in affairs don't end them except for one reason: because they are forced to, either through the actions of an outside party forcing it to end (exposure), or because they themselves are tired of the OM/OW and want out anyway. If given motivation, though - and a firm set of conseqences - and I mean FIRM, then the married person will be forced to make a choice, and usually they choose to stay married and reconcile.
Davis Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 1. When cheating, is it normal to have a double life? 2. Is it normal to lie alot? 3. Is the falling in love real? 4. Is it a form of escapism? 5. Is it normal to love your husband and still be in love? 6. When reality kicks in can that "in love" dissapear? 7. Is this totally normal? Are there more things going on when you live a double life, like subconsious issues? Needs, issues we have not dealt with in the past? 8. Can you motivate yourself to make a stop and take the consequences? Sorry to hear your plight, bro. 1. I think it is a double life of sorts. 2. Lie alot? YES. Cheaters, by definition, are liars. Don't believe anything. 3. More like lust and infatuation, but could be love. 4. Escapism? Maybe for some. But probably boredom. 5. Yep. 6. If they're in love maybe not. 7. Ummm. Yes there are issues with cheaters that they may or may not get over even with therapy. You know, broken homes, death in the family, parents that cheated, etc. 8. Only if you get caught and really want to stay with the the cheatee.
2ndIINone Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Can u start again after cheating? Certainly. but the real question should be... Will I be happy after we start again? Answer... most likely, no.
Journey1220 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 In my honest opinion I do not think that once your trust has been violated so much and to such an extent that a relationship can ever be the same. Matters of the heart are a delicate situation, but so is infidelity. Me personally I would not be able to look my partner in the eye if she cheated even one time, let alone numerous times and to the extent of of deception portrayed by your significant other.
LakesideDream Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Often it's easier for males to compartmentalize their SO's infidelity, especially for "stat guys" like you who make lists, and try to rationalize your WS's actions. While you may be successful in doing this, it does not sound like your wife is. She sounds like drama, and intrigue are an intregal and attractive part of her life. I read, and re-read both threads. Do you have children with your wife? IMO it makes a difference. You may want to extend your marriage to continue raising your kids (if you have them). If it's a childless marriage, I would suggest taking a hard look at ending the relationship. Your wife has proven she is willing to cheat, lie, then go back to cheating after a considerable length of time. I would seriously doubt anything she said at this point. Why remain married to a person who does not need, respect, or want you? Who has proven it by cheating on you and wrecking another younger persons home? If you were both "geezers" with no children involved on either side, it might be understandable. You are not. Your wife is cutting a wide swath of destruction through two families. She's not a nice person.
Author eroche Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 I must say that your comments are putting me into two camps. You have to know is that most of you write has already gone though my head. The two camps are: 1. Work on it , but it will take time and eventually wait for some awakening. 2. Simply stop it before any further damage is done. I always believed that loving/taking care of yourself is a must in order to love and take care of others. In other words I must be carefull how I will end up in all this. The camp 2 I will have a very clear guidelines and considerebly close all contact and ensure that the divorce will take place quickly. Its more my situation in camp 1. I have done a lot of thinking and also come to many of the conclusions you guys have made. The key word is trust. Although for your info, I do not trust her at all at this point. I also dont believe she will be strong enough and to make choices. And yet, what is love. I am trying to fight for it, which many dont these days. I am fighting for some reasoning and to ensure that I will be a better person in the future. My life is destroyed at this point and the term loneliness is just too obvious. The only true hope I have is that love she has can be borken. BY decision but also by counseling. I believe that she is looking for a way of love which she has even missed before me. She newer morned the love she got from her previous husband and that this person was 20 years older when she was 19 and for some reasons looked for a father figure. The overcaring love. Her missing father figure during her childhood etc. In other words, if therapy doesnt make things dissapear, then I have to say to Lucracia that she WILL look for it again in another person. Like some sort of addiction. When she saw him after exposure, she felt bad before, felt good while and felt awfull afterwards. Its all a sad story of morals. IF she had stopped the relationship in December after 2-3 months and said I have found another, I want to stop, this would have been a normal thing. Whats makes me so sad is the continuation. This is more then just an affair, this is a double life. A cake eater indeed. I will newer be able to fill in the gap. And the gap should have some reasoning in order for me to see some future. otherwise its useless and another person will take over. It wouldnt have mattered if the relationship was good or not between us. Thanks again from a bit sad and lonely Eric..:-(
Author eroche Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 She is now living at her parents but is welcome to come our house. She has now giref of love for this guy since she to stop it earlier this week. This was one of the criterias of mine. The scond is to go to therapy. My questions is, since its hard for me to cope but Im willing to fight for it, what should I do? Ask he to leave me alone? Tell her that its no use to see her like this? What do you do instead of a black and white decision making? I know it will take time. Its in the air for 2 months? Am I that stupid to hope for some resolution?
chaos40 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Note that I have been 8 years relationship. 2 months ago I was told by my wife she has been cheating with a married guy for around 6 months. I was told because his wife had called my wife. Otherwise it would have continued. After 1 1/2 trying to deal with it both she was again with him. And have had contact all the time. Now she has stopped the relationship, but is in love even though she doesnt want to loose me since she "still loves me". She does not love you she is simply comfortable with this situation which is why she does not want to loose you. You could be happy if there was true remose but the fact that she did not come clean of her own free will and did it again at the first opportunity suggests that she will do it again if given the chance. THis leads me to believe you could never be happy with her. unless of course, you're into the sharing thing.
Author eroche Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 Folks, yes there is a question of love. Yes, divorcing her and stop all is easy. I am just looking for that one oppurtunity. The person who can read between the lines and say, yes there is hope. I know what I am facing. I know that this situation is almost impossible to save. But isnt that the point of sharing info here? Isnt it the point to hear a borader point of view? I am not the only one who is thinking that this is normal. This is not only a question of actions but something which is deep inside and providing a troublesome person. For some I may be a looser fighting like this. But then again I also think people give up to easily. If we dont have hope for reconsiliation or any baisc feeling of love, what else is there for us to live for. How many relationships have gone well after the affair has become the partner? How many times when it has the background I have created ended wrong? I am not looking for the B/W answer. I am looking for the only oppurtunity to live for. And that is being there for someone. Now there is no doubt that this so wrong what my wife did. There is no doubt that many factors work against my hope. But I do know this much, that if you are in love, you cannot live a double life. And you dont break up a marriage without knowledge. And that you will newer be truly happy be choosing the easy road. Its all about how you fight for your principles. And fight in what you believe in. I may be loosing the touch. But I am standing by the fact that I know who I am and what i want. Its so important. Sorry, but this is a question of turning things around. Seeing things from a deeper perspective. The rest is purely acedemic.
Author eroche Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 Just to inform you that she has told me that she wants to have time for herself and start therapy.Although she cannot control her urges to contact him because she is in love. She said, I cannot lie anymore to you. She still mentioned about her love to me and didnt want a divorse. But I told her clearly if that if she wanted to do some soul searching and tehrapy she shouldnt contact anyone. If she then contacted him, then it would be closure for me. Its like she wants all options. but also told me that she had no energy after stressfull time to fight for us. This was fair and I can see the ending. But I would also like to see her solve issues through therapy first. End of the day I know what you all will say. I have newer seen such an addictive like in love where almost crying and hysteri was presented after she stopped all contact with him after 4 days. Only seeing him 8 times in 8 months and alot of emals and calls, she perhaps has found true love. And i need to start thinking of myself. She still can truly decide which is almost ironic. She even came with comments like, in my head i know ur the right one but emotionally im with him. I hope she gets therapy and can start facing any confrontations. She has avoided every serious matter so far, when e.g a kid of her g/f got sick she didnt contact her. Couldnt deal with it. Could deal with the former husbands grave even after 9 years etc etc Anyway, regardless of life, Im just a reck now and need to pick my self up and also get counseling Thax for your comments.
Author eroche Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 about the story of kids..no we dotn have any and that is a key issue. As you all can recognize. She cant have kids and she is discomforted of the though of being pregnant. Her best freind, who I newer really trustet due to various reasons, has a life with no kids but kids from her boyfriend. A sort of stepmother. The guy she had an affair with has 2 kids. One of 3 and one 1 year old. I was always thinking, perhaps crazy that is, that she actually could become a stepmother. She has strong maetrnal instincts but in the previous relationship she had two abortions. One even self inflicted. I know it at the end if not already. I hope at the age of 41 can start some new life because my true dream is to have a family and kids. Be a dad. A good dad. ' It doesnt make sense to write all this, but this is probably the strangest situation I have ever heard and seen in my life
Guest Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 The relationship between you and your wife is over. She is telling you very clearly that she is not in love with you (at least not like she is with the other guy). You have mentioned several reasons why you still feel Pity for her, her condition, what she has been through, unresolved problems etc. Yes, yes, yes, that is why they have therapists. That is their job. You appear to want to be a hero, her hero, a martyr; not a good idea. And if that is not the case, they you have issues yourself which you are not talking about - your obvious NEED to hold on to her the cumstances. Right now you are her Crutch, her support system, her security if all else fails on the other side: her obvious FIRST CHOICE. It will not make you feel good to be second best; but if second best is good enough for you, then by all means give it your best shot. If you want to understand and support her - great - do it as a 'friend'. There is no reason why relationships must end completely when the love / marriage is over. My ex-husband and I are still each others support system. We don't ever want to be married again, of be lovers, but that does not mean that we cannot still support each other as friends and parents of the same set of children. Good luck in finding the strenght to cope with you lonliness. SHE IS NOT THE ONE, man; give yourself the opportunity to find her. Let this one go.
Darth Vader Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Your wife going crazy about not seeing OM is just like a drug addiction, they call that affair fog. It could take months, or even years for her to come out of it, by then it'll be too late, the damage is done, heck, it's already done. Consider her not having children a blessing in disguise, when children are involved, it's always worse! Go to counseling for yourself, contact a lawyer and find out about your rights. Don't wait for the next 20 years for her, I know you love her, but, don't waste your life on someone who can't remain faithful to you. Time to move on!
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