happygoluckynomore Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 hello, I'm looking for advice on how to make my boyfriend a free man. what arguments might help, what kind of persuasions tools I should use. he's been separated from his wife since 3 years so far, we've met a year ago. He already wanted to get divorce when we met. we're happy together. He wants to have kids with me. He's started his divorce but it's been taking forever. we live in europe and it is somehow normal. Still, he says he hates all the paper work, the lawyer etc. Everyday when we part to go to work he asks me to call me during the day to remind him to call the lawyer, his (not yet) ex wife, he makes so little progress. He says divorce is what he wants the most, but he hates going through the whole process, so he keeps procrastinating over and over. I don't know what to do. I don't want to put pressure on him. But if I don't I'm afraid it will never happen. He says that he's sure that when eventually all the papers will be ready his wife will agree to everything and sign but I'm so scared at the last moment there might be yet another problem, another missing document and the divorce will be delayed. I don't want to be a married man's woman. I need to make him understand that if he doesn't speed it up we'll break up, but I don't want to threaten him, 'cos we really have a very happy relationship. We live together, we share everything, we travel, we help each other we're deeply in love. only he's not divorced yet and that tortures me. please give me all the ideas and help you can come up with.
IpAncA Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 If he doesn't want to be with his W, then he'll divorce her. If he's already filled then it probably takes time. If not then I'd ask him when he THINKS he'll be doing it. Can't wait forever.
norajane Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 I need to make him understand that if he doesn't speed it up we'll break up Be honest with thim. Tell him that as much as he hates the process and paperwork, you hate it twenty times more that he is procrastinating and putting your lives on hold. Tell him it's making you doubt whether he is willing to put you and your relationship FIRST, and that it's making you doubt his commitment to you. And finally, tell him, this is exactly the kind of thing that can lead to falling out of love with him because you're seeing a side of him that shows he's willing to hurt you in favor of suiting himself. If that doesn't light a fire under him, then yeah, you SHOULD start considering if he is the kind of man you want to make a lifetime commitment to. Divorce doesn't need to drag on for over a year no matter where you live.
outofdarkness Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 He will NEVER D her!! He's playing you along and will do so as long as you LET him! That's what they do IMO w/ a few exceptions...and they are few
Baileykeg Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Hey Happy...I read your post and wanted to share a couple of things that jumped out at me. First, let me give you a bit of background....I've been where you are. My boyfriend was separated when we started dating. He always said he planned to divorce. Month after month would go by and the process dragged on with one excuse after another as to why he couldn't do it and get it finalized. After many hours here on LS and with much support/advice from posters I realized that most were right...my boyfriend had no incentive to get the divorce finalized because he had everything he wanted...he had me and we had our life together....he didn't have any reason to be motivated to get the other part of his life resolved because it wasn't a daily concern for him. Today, I'm happy to say that his divorce has been final for over a month and we are moving forward. How did we get to that point? I had to leave. I had to take away some of his comfort and make him really decide what he wanted. I ended our relationship with a handwritten letter because I couldn't do it in person. After that, I didn't take his calls for several weeks. Yes, there were times that I broke NC but for the most part I stuck to my guns and stayed away. In hindsight, he says that it took him realizing that I was serious about not being with him anymore and fearing that he would truly lose me if he didn't get things together. You say that you don't want to put pressure on him but whether you realize it or not you already are. He knows what you want and he chooses to ignore it because he doesn't really have to deal with it. I agree with Norajane that you need to sit down with him and explain how this is making you feel. Then, depending on what he says, go from there with what you need to do for yourself. I know you are happy with him right now and you fear by standing up for yourself that somehow you will lose him. I've been there. I know. Ask yourself though is the situation right now making you truly happy? I would say no since you've reached out for advice. Only you know what is best for your relationship and what it's going to take to make it what you want it to be. You can and will get past this part. I hope for your sake that he will come through and the two of you can truly move on. Keep us posted.
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