Guest Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 my boyfriend of two years asked my son and i to go live with him and his two kids a few months ago. i was so happy, i love all of them. my boyfriend went out of town for two weeks and i'm alone with the kids. for the last few days, the high school boy, who has adhd, has been breaking things in the house and screaming. i took the caffeine out of the house and had planned on talking to his dad when he got home. we were already trying to get him and my first grader into counseling, and the appt. hadn't been made yet. i usually get along with my boyfriend's kids very well, and i love them very much- it's easier to bond with the girl, but the boy and i had also been doing things together. the problem is that he sees a rivalry with my first grader. i usually try to remove my son from the situation when these things start, but yesterday i was in the bathroom, and my son came in crying that the older boy had twisted his leg.. apparently they had been arguing, both threw some things, and then my son went to hide under the table and the older boy tried to drag him out and hurt his leg. i told my son, just stay with me(was planning on talking to my boyfriend about it, and didn't want to confront anyone at that point) my son didn't listen, he went back downstairs to play the computer. the older boy came in and told my son "you don't deserve to play the computer", and my son refused to get off. my son then ran upstairs crying again, and said that the older boy had choked him.. he did have red marks on his face.. then the sister got involved, she demanded that we all go downstairs and find out the real story.. the older boy started screaming that he hated everyone in the house, hated his life, was going to kill us all, and was using the f word constantly at the top of his lungs. he wanted to be left alone, but his sister kept talking to him about it. he then ran upstairs shut himself in his room, and destroyed the whole room, turned the bed upside down, broke some glass, took the screen from the window and threatened to jump out, unwrapped all of his medication for his braces and threatened to take them all...said if he had to go to school he would kill someone there... finally we got ahold of his mom, who came to get him. she said he will not be coming back. she told his sister that it was her fault(the sister's) for not taking better care of him...she called later and told the sister that it was my son's fault, and my fault... now i don't know what to do..my boyfriend is weird about these things..i think it's very possible that he's going to blame the whole thing on my first grader, as ridiculous as that sounds...my son is annoying sometimes, but the older boy follows him around and tries to make sure he doesn't get to do anything fun...i have told my son before to not argue with this boy, just walk away because i've been afraid he would hurt him. my boyfriend is not going to believe that his son would hurt anyone. in a way i feel responsible, because when he started breaking things a few days ago, i should have done something...but his dad was out of town, and his mom really doesn't spend any real time with her kids. she lets me have all the responsibility, and then when something goes wrong, puts the blame on me. i take care of these kids' every need, while she stays alone in her apartment. she has mental issues, but i feel she needs to grow out of them and help take care of her kids a little more. i'm just afraid that my son and i will get all the blame, that the older boy won't get any real mental help. i'm afraid that my boyfriend will ask us to move out of the house, and if he doesn't, how will i be able to sleep here without worrying that something will happen to my first grader? obviously i want my boyfriend first, to get his child the help he needs- to be more involved taking him out to do father/son things, and to get his mother more involved in his life...to force him to spend time with her. and i also want him to make it clear to his son, that you do not lay a hand on a little kid, no matter what, and to let the sister know, that sometimes it's better to let a person cool down, rather than staying and trying to force them to talk....i'm just afraid that like usual, my boyfriend will prefer not to believe that his son can do anything wrong.... i also think he should eliminate violent movies and video games for awhile... no one is going to listen to my opinion, even though i swear i'm the one who takes care of all of the kids by myself almost all the time, i'm the only one who really sees what goes on. i have no one to talk to, except the daughter...i love both of these kids and want everyone to be alright. i don't want anyone to be in trouble or to feel hurt...she loves her brother, but people need to stop making her responsible for other people's mental health... maybe there's no advice, if you have any ideas let me know, but thank you for letting me get it out...
Teeky3 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 This is too sad for words.... Why are you hanging in there? You're so stressed over someone else and their kids. I say get out and get out now. Your message can nearly break anyone's heart. Life is short....don't shorten it by dealing with this mess.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Is the boy on medication for his ADHD? It is very tough in the best of circumstances to meld two families together. If your BF cannot look at the situation objectively I think it would be best not to live with him until the situation is corrected. I do have kids and I have lived with a man and his children and felt that I was harder on my kids and lenient on his at times. For family melding to work, both adults have to have the same ideas of what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior concerning the kids. Both have to enforce the same rules and agree on how to handle infractions of the rules. Even parents in a conventional family have difficulty in this area at times. Even though your BF was not home he should have been made aware of the problem and a part of a solution, even if by telephone. This boy's illness may require different expectations of him, but breaking things and physically manhandling people is never acceptable, and his illness is not a "get out of trouble free" card to be played at his convenience. Talk to your BF about how things of this nature should be handled in the future and get that boy whatever help he needs as a top priority.
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I completely agree with ddl. This boy needs help badly (both therapy and medication) and so does his poor sister (therapy), who is forced to take on the role of responsible adult. Btw, are you certain the boy only suffers from ADHD and not something else as well? Please remove your child from this unhealthy environment until your b/f gets his household together. The boy's bedroom should be left in the state that he destroyed it so your b/f can get a feel of the damage that a teenage boy can do.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Yes, I think the daughter was used as a scapegoat by the mother. As a parent I do have some expectation of a sibling helping another sibling, but it's to a pretty small degree. It certainly isn't a siblings JOB to act as "her brothers keeper" in any large way. The bedroom mess, I agree with TBF about that, too. The boy should be responsible for cleaning it up after its use as evidence, too.
KeysGirl07 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Why are you living in that house and devoting so much to his kids? You mention more times in your post about how much you love and care of HIS kids yet you don't seem to be protecting your own son. I was dating someone and he asked me to marry him and move in with him and his son. His son was a terror and I refused to make any committment and put my son through so much turmoil - I was afraid of his son too - he was bad news. I got out of this relationship and chose to put my son first. If I had of moved in with him and his son I would have been stuck in a horrible situation like what you described. No thank you! Why are you living with him? That's not setting a very good example for your son or his kids. You guys should have taken more time and put the kids first - then on down the road considered marriage if you guys wanted to cohabitate. This is why so many people screw up their kids - they throw them into blended families, force them all to suddenly accept new brothers and sisters and expect everyone to be the Brady Bunch. It doesn't happen and very few blended families are successful. You need to stop putting his kids first and concentrate on your own child and getting the heck out of that house. Your son could end up dead if his son is a psycho as you describe! There's nothing wrong with being a single mom. Don't feel like you have to have a man.
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