just my thoughts

[PWSX3]

I didn't know where to post this so I thought I would start a new thread.

 

Since I haven't been working for the last couple of weeks I have been able to watch some TV shows I usually don't get to watch during the day.

 

I have to say; all the advice here on LS has been so helpful & what it has done for me is to see things in a different light. Not just in my marriage but in my everyday life.

 

There has been a couple really good Dr. Phil shows on this week. Monday there was a guy who was SOOOOO controling of his wife he had camera's in there house to watch her, he had a GPS in her car & she couldn't do anything without him knowing it.

It really made me sad to see someone have to go thru that and to see how she was having to live her life but what it also taught me is people that have these sicknesses just don't see it. Everytime Dr. Phil would ask him how he thought what he was doing was O.K. he would come up with an excuse that made "him" think it was O.K.

 

Then yesterday there was a dad that screamed and yelled at his kids and tried to bully them. Again Dr. Phil would ask him; how he thought this was O.K. to do and again that dad would say its not right, "BUT" he always had a but to make what he was doing look right in his eyes or the reason he did it was because of the kids not him.

 

For those here that your wife/husband have left & you are trying to figure out; what did I do, why did they do this, don't waste your time.

In there eyes they will come up with whatever excuse they can to make it look like what they are doing is O.K. and the sad part is they blame EVERYONE else for what they are doing.

Then if you corner them then they will get angry, get mad at you. The dad on the Dr. Phil show started to really raise his voice when Dr. Phil started to put him in his place.

I have read many posts here that people ask these questions; why does he blame me, doesn't he see what he is doing wrong?

They blame you because it is easier to blame someone else then blame themselves. No they don't see what they are doing, in there eyes they have come up with excuses to make it right in there mind.

 

Neither of those guys took responsibility and said yes what I am doing is wrong, they always blamed someone else. Even after Dr. Phil would talk to them and get them to say; no what I am doing wrong isn't right they would still say; BUT then go into an explanation of why it was o.k. for what they were doing.

 

There is another show called Greg & he had a couple really good shows this week as well.

Its good to see there are some shows out there that are really trying to help people and to help educate....

 

Just like Dr. G (Gunny) has preached, they need to make marriage a manitory class in school whether it be high school or collage or both. We all need educated & some of us took a while before we got the class of reality.

 

Now that my eyes have been opened, it really does me good to see these shows, it helps me to understand how even I used to look at things, that I used to do the same thing, make excuses for what I was doing. I would blame my wife for her faults & I didn't realize that what I was doing had a big effect on the situation.

 

Sorry ladies but I am a guy and its easier for me to see that side so I have to pat the guys here on the back that have been working so hard, to realize they needed to do something about themselves, to man up to there responsibility, to take responsibility for what they can do. For a guy these are things we were not taught, we didn't supposes to show our feelings, to show our softer side.

 

Hopefully others can add there thoughts, it seems like even though everyone's story is just a little different, there is a pattern to all of them.

[Jinxx]

Just like Dr. G (Gunny) has preached, they need to make marriage a manitory class in school whether it be high school or collage or both. We all need educated & some of us took a while before we got the class of reality.

 

'Ya know -- we actually had one of those classes way back in the 70's. Mock wedding and everything. The "groom" ended up knocking up his girlfriend shortly after graduation and they got married in the fall. Are they still together -- hell no! Did the class help -- nope! But maybe these days it might be different.

[Ladyjane14]

Then yesterday there was a dad that screamed and yelled at his kids and tried to bully them. Again Dr. Phil would ask him; how he thought this was O.K. to do and again that dad would say its not right, "BUT" he always had a but to make what he was doing look right in his eyes or the reason he did it was because of the kids not him.

 

Yeah... I saw that one too. It's amazing how blind this guy was. How he just couldn't seem to connect the dots that there is just no "BUT..." to be had when it comes to bullying little kids.

 

THAT is his reality. In his world that "but..." is meaningful.

 

And you're right, once you've had your own eyes opened and you can see the flaw in that kind of unsustainable "logic"... it's just astonishing to witness it in others.

[sumdude]

Yeah, sometimes it becomes pretty clear that people will do almost anything to justify thier actions. I know that at times I've been guilty of misplacing blame and allowing others to take the wheel.

 

I've listened to my X go on and on about all the injustices heaped upon her. How she's now lost freinds and called them "casualties of our marriage." Yet they were freinds before and while we were still together. Now our marriage falling aprat is at fault? How bizzare that sounds. Not like she had any control over it or anything .... It's too bad this happens.

 

I'm no shrink but it looks like some people can't help but get into self victimization and becoming slaves to thier fears. It's happened to me but I think I've learned a few things lately. Control issues come from fear, fear of loss, fear of rejection you name it.

[PWSX3]

Yeah... I saw that one too. It's amazing how blind this guy was. How he just couldn't seem to connect the dots that there is just no "BUT..." to be had when it comes to bullying little kids.

 

THAT is his reality. In his world that "but..." is meaningful.

 

And you're right, once you've had your own eyes opened and you can see the flaw in that kind of unsustainable "logic"... it's just astonishing to witness it in others.

LJ, you know its sad & I am ashamed to say it, but at one time I used to think that way, maybe not as bad as those guy did, but I still thought that way. When I had my affair many years ago, I did the same thing. In my mind I thought what I was doing was O.K. "I" made excuses in my mind to make it O.K. It was because me W didn't do this, or she did that. It was because the other person listened to me, gave me what "I" thought I needed.

What I didn't realize is I didn't look at my marriage to find those things, I was taking the easy way out & finding it someplace else. Looking for that first love high you get for the first few years of a marriage. I didn't understand that feeling doesn't last forever, I needed that attention....(one of "my" love langauges I have learned )

 

Looking back I realize I only looked out for me, made sure everything revolved arond me. I didn't care about the feelings of me W or others. I sure enjoy my life a lot more now....

 

I'm pretty sure this is the same way these other wayword spouses are looking at it. They are only worried about themselves and no one else.

[Lizzie60]

I used to like his show... now I think he's getting more like Jerry Springer... It is all staged... I just can't stand Dr. Phil anymore... He is sooo full of himself, it's not even funny. He thinks he's God or something???

 

Can you tell he really ticks me? LOL

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, you know its sad & I am ashamed to say it, but at one time I used to think that way, maybe not as bad as those guy did, but I still thought that way.

 

You know, I think we all do to a certain degree. That's why when you finally have your eyes "opened" to the empowering effects of personal responsibility, it's soooo liberating. You're no longer chained to an old mindset that doesn't work.

 

So many of the communications problems in my own marriage were based on the almighty "But...". My husband's feelings on alot of different issues were important to him, BUT... I couldn't legitimize them or prioritize them correctly because I always felt that my own were more logical.

 

In taking personal responsibility for myself, my thought-process, my words and actions... I find myself more "in control". I may not be able to control anything else in this world, but damn straight... I can still control ME.

 

There are things in life you just can't unlearn.... not as long as you still have all your faculties anyway.

[Gunny376]

'Ya know -- we actually had one of those classes way back in the 70's. Mock wedding and everything. The "groom" ended up knocking up his girlfriend shortly after graduation and they got married in the fall. Are they still together -- hell no! Did the class help -- nope! But maybe these days it might be different.

 

 

That's not even close to what I was advocating ~ that was such a joke!

[ilmw]

Yah know what.. this is a really good thread PW;)

 

Its so true... taking personal responsibility for our actions.. and learning a little self control. Finding a some peace within ourselves. Makes the barrage of things that come at us on a daily basis... easier to handle. Geesh.. this past week at work has been Hellishly busy...(its warm out)

 

Some of the things things that have happened... have happened in the past.. and I know how I reacted to them before.. I bottled up anger... which sometimes verged on rage... and I would carry it around.. and let it out at the wrong time..

 

Well this week.. I let it go just after the event... or had it all flushed before I even got home after work.

 

One of the biggest things I have learned this past year.. is "coping" and how to change my frame of mind, attitude, and mind set. When I feel the pressure building.. a little red flag goes up in my mind, and triggers the "change your attitude" mode.

 

Its worked for the most part... and it is helping me find peace with myself.. and how my life has changed.

 

I also don't use "BUT" in a sentence any more....

 

What I do.. I do with conviction... and what I do is the right thing. What ever I do these days always has a win win outcome... or I don't do it.. There is no angle to my intentions.. and I believe that this behaviour is transparent.. and people see this... and come to trust my actions.. as genuine. I'm getting more and more invites to people's places from work.. and people want to hang with me... and not the other way around.

 

I have become the embodiment of calm cool and collected... unless I am clowning around.. Then I'm just a geek:laugh:

 

So.. I guess what I am trying to say after all those semantics is; "find peace in your own heart"... and other will follow.. Walk with grace, with a smile on your face, and just enjoy the sun. Slow down... inside your head... (wow.. what you can see when you do this) Feels like being a kid again... all the pretty colours...

 

Oh... and like what Gunny said... "uncomplicate your life"

 

There... I'll get of my soap box now.. and put it back into the recycling...

[PWSX3]

There... I'll get of my soap box now.. and put it back into the recycling...

You are more then welcome to stay on your soap box. This is why I started this thread, to let people share what they have learned, to be able to share what they have changed in the last month, 3 months, 6 months, year, etc.

 

I feel people can change who they are, "BUT" (a butt in a good way) they have to want to change and they are the only ones that can make it happen and that's the bottom line.

[mammax3]

PWSX3: "When I had my affair many years ago, I did the same thing. In my mind I thought what I was doing was O.K. "I" made excuses in my mind to make it O.K. It was because me W didn't do this, or she did that. It was because the other person listened to me, gave me what "I" thought I needed.

What I didn't realize is I didn't look at my marriage to find those things, I was taking the easy way out & finding it someplace else. Looking for that first love high you get for the first few years of a marriage. I didn't understand that feeling doesn't last forever, I needed that attention...."

 

Thank you for posting this thread, and for your honesty. I have to imagine that my H is in the same position, and will (hopefully) see the light of day as you have done. It probably won't help our relationship (unless we remarry 10 years later (as Ijust read somewhere else)) but maybe it will help him realize the huge mistake he's making now. Too bad no one can wake up a WS to see the light... it has to work on it's own...