I hope my nightmare is over now

[Mollyanna]

Those of you who have read my stories know this was a long time coming. He was horrible for me. I never did drugs until I met him. Never wanted to. In the past 14 month since I met him, I have done weed, coke, mushrooms, and Ecstasy. I have been drunk out of my mind more times than I can count. I have spent night after night collapsed on my bathroom floor or in business trip hotel room crying my eyes out because I found out he was with another woman. I spent one dangerous night alone freaking out on a dark beach. I even spent 3 nights on the mental health ward of a hospital because I got scared of my suicidal thoughts.

 

But I loved him. When we were together, there was no one who has ever made me feel that safe and taken care of. When I was having my depression meltdowns, only he could have me laughing within minutes. But since we broke up in December, the good times have been fewer and farther between. He moved to another state and seemed to take all his good intentions with him.

 

I always believed in him, that he would get his act together. Even as just a friend, I believed he would be in my life forever - that we were that important to one another. When you put the two of us together, we would shine. There was no one in the room who could hold a candle to what we had together.

 

But get us apart and we fell apart. He is a womanizer. He admits that he will never be happy with just one woman. And I couldn't handle it. I tried. I even tried dating other guys too but I felt too guilty and disgusting. Besides, I only wanted HIM.

 

We have never spent more than 3 weeks apart even though he lives in NC now and I am in FL. But we would talk every day. Until the last 2 weeks. He was difficult to get on the phone and stay on the phone. He wasn't calling me back. He stopped sending me payments on the money he owed me and stopped paying his half of the cell phone bill. I got angry. Last night I screamed at him for taking advantage of me and that he HAS to pay the bills. He said it was an inconvenience to him to get the money orders and all that. (he doesn't have a bank or driver's license). When i was yelling he said he didn't have time for "all this". I told him he didn't have time lately for anything but himself.

 

Today I overhear someone say he is coming back to town the weekend of the 21st... BUT WAIT - I already have a plane ticket to go see him that weekend and he knows it. I text him and say "What about me? What about our plans - the plane ticket i bought??". He writes back and says "I only think of myself - remember!"

 

I start having a meltdown. Doesn't help that i have PMDS and right in the throws of it the last few days. I am already feeling completely taken advantage of and upset that I needed him this weekend and he wasn't there for me. I call him and call him and tell him he has 25 minutes to speak to me or I am gone forever - that I am turning off his phone and I am OUT. He calls me and asks me if I am freaking out. We discuss the plane ticket. He says he absolutely has to come back to FL that weekend, that I can change my ticket. I tell him it is nonrefundable. He asks me what do I expect him to do. I cry and say - just think about my feelings, respect me. Just fix it and make it right. He says he can perhaps move it to the following weekend.

 

I hear girls coming up to the door. He says he has to go but he will call me back in a little while to discuss it. I emphasize it has to be tonight.

 

3 1/2 hours later - nothing. I call him 3 times in a row. I am pissed and melting melting melting. He texts with the comment "Cut it off". I'm not sure if he means to stop calling or to cut off his phone and leave his life. Surely he can't mean that? We have been best friends for over a year now!

 

I text message and call for hour. Like a crazy lady. I say my good byes in the text messages and give him time to stop me.

 

I say:

"I can't believe you want to hurt me this much"

"I have done nothing but help u and trust u and that meant nothing at all. Just leave me here disgraced and hating myself"

"And force me to end this on a text"

"Tomorrow you are gone from my life - and u can't see why"

"hope one day you learn what is important in life"

"why did you need to be this to me?"

 

I called his voice mail and listened to his messages. The girl he was always cheating on me with, she is on the voice mail. She is telling him to call her so they can confirm their plans for when he gets to Florida! (so she is why he had to reschedule the weekend. She can't wait to see him and she loves him. There is also another message from a girl saying she had met him last week and thanking him for the money to cover her and then saying they would get together that night or the next. (i'm guessing she is one of the girls at his house tonight)

 

I then cut off his phone. I think now that is what he wanted. He knew he got in too deep. He knew he was screwing me over and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore.

 

I am cutting loose dead weight but why does it hurt so much? Besides the fact that now I will never get back the $700 he owes me. I feel betrayed and used and never want to trust anyone again. Right now I feel like I can't stand to even see another person. I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and shut out the world.

 

But instead I came to you guys. I hope you have some good words for me because I could really use them right now. Please stop me from sending vindictive messages to both girls warning them about him. And please help me to get his friend out of my house who I only had staying here to do a favor for him. She does nothing but remind me of him. I can't let him go while she is here.

 

-- on the verge of a breakdown ---

Mollyanna

[underpants]

This guy ....sucks.

 

You are upset ...Why?

 

Because a loser is so high and mighty in various po tang that he doesn't value? you, right now.

 

Honey, sorry, but you have to grow a pair.

 

Look, I don't have to tell you that he is a super manipulative loser. I know he has you under a penis spell, but break free. There are really, trust me, really, bigger and better ones attached to bigger and better people. You have to make the choice to want a better mentality for yourself.

 

I know you are playing the passive victim, I did that for a little while until someone called me on my pooh. They said "Unders, when you want it to stop, it will." I now pass this advice on to you. Molly when you want this to end, it will. You should and can end it, no if ands or buts. Clearly, he does not and will never value you enough. His problem, not yours.

 

Sometimes life's hard lessons are facing adversity (challanges) and finding our integrity. It feels good and it is rewarded, in time. That I do promise Molly.

 

You really do have to stop the petty contact. I lost some stuff with my ex. Jerk. The thing that hurt me most was something my father made. It was the one thing I loaned that I asked on 3 occasions for him to return. I finally told my Dad, who is in his 70's battling Cancer and used this hand welded metal tool to turn his water spicket on and off so his old bones would not have to bend over. My Dad being, so wonderful just looked at me, and said "sometimes, some people are just not worth it". That broke my heart, that my bad choice affected my Dad. My ex is a coward and a loser for that one part of his hurt to which I am sure no thought has crossed his selfish, little mind. 700 dollars, yea, he sucks, but you know, consider it 700 dollars well spent on the knowledge of the traits to not choose in a partner. How about that for money well spent?

 

Several people (alot that I had never even met) told me that I dodged a bullet with my ex and I did not even experience near the pooh that you post here. It really is time for you to distance yourself from this dude. There is no getting even or him realizing anything. He is just a game playing idiot.

 

Be better. Let him go.

 

I am so sorry that there are jerks in the world. Best to avoid them, especially when they make themselves known.

 

Regards,

Unders

[Mary Magdalene]

We're here for you, Mollyanna.

 

You're never given more than you can handle. Be strong.

 

((((Mollyanna))))

[Teacher's Pet]

My dearest, sweetest Mollyanna...

 

I am SO very sorry you are going through this tonight.

 

I'm also having a rotten night...and no..not "B" related.

 

Reading your post, I'm starting to see a lot of D in me, and I don't like it. In a sense, I know what's going on in his mind, because I've been that guy.

 

You've been there for him so much. You believed in him when he didn't even believe in himself. Any guy would be so lucky to have what he had, it's a damned shame he didn't see it for himself.

 

You feel hurt and betrayed because you've given so much, and gotten so little. As someone who's been on BOTH sides of that coin, it sucks, I know.

 

You've made your mistakes (the drugs and such), but they didn't change the sweet, wonderful woman you are. I'm so proud of you that you realized that they were a dangerous road to travel, and got away from it. A lot of people fall prey to drugs, and let them suck their whole life away.... you didn't. You BEAT them, and proved to the world that you are so much better than that.

 

I know how much you wanted to "save" D from himself. We all know you can't save everyone. Deep down inside, we all have a bit of the "knight in shining armor" in us. It's human nature to want to help someone we care about, but again, we're only human. We can only advise and give emotional support. We can't force a change in a person. They have to want it for themselves, and when they show they want to change, love and friendship becomes a powerful force in helping that change to occur.

 

But again, we can only do so much without the person helping themselves. The sad part is, it's the helper that winds up being the most hurt, because we feel like we failed them.

 

Just remember. You never failed D, HE FAILED HIMSELF. You did all you could AND MORE for him, he just didn't choose to accept it. Sadly, no matter how many women he "hooks up with", he'll never truly be happy. The thrill of a one night stand ends by the next morning, if that long at all, but the love of a wonderful woman stands the test of time.

 

Time will prove to him that he's made a lot of bad choices in his life, but it's not your fault!

 

You are one of my dearest friends, even though I haven't seen you in..what.... 8 months? I think I understand you pretty well, and you understand me pretty well, too.

 

We made a pact to always be there for each other, remember?

 

That will never change, especially not now.

 

I know you are probably asleep right now, or trying to sleep... but don't forget there's a cute chubby guy in Jersey who's also feeling pretty crappy tonight, but at least he can take solace in the fact that he has a lot of friends who care about him, one of them being a really smokin' hot chick in Florida!

 

You aint alone in this. I know you hurt, but if people didn't hurt, LS probably wouldn't exist, and there's a website full of people here who feel for ya. We're all in this together. We learn from each other here, both from our "success stories" and our mistakes. Life is about learning and growing, and this place has pretty much saved my life the last...omg.. 11 months? You've always been nothing less than the perfect friend to me, and be assured, I'm ALWAYS here for you, too. I miss you so much!

 

You know my email address, my Yahoo ID, and my phone number.

 

Never hesitate to use them.

 

Love you DS!!

 

-tp

the richest man in the world, because of his friends.

[Mollyanna]

I feel awful today. I can't believe I let myself get like this over such a loser. except i keep forgetting he is a loser. I feel sorry for him. Why can't I hate him?

 

Thank you guys for responses. Reading and re-reading them last night and this morning helped me to get on with my life today. Although I still don't understand why he would do this to ME?

[AriaIncognito]

I'm pretty sure you know why he's doing this to you. It's because you've stuck around long enough for it to occur. I am noone to talk, and you of all people know that, but you also know that it's true. For both of us.

 

We were both in situations where we gave of ourselves, our hearts, our love, our all, 200%, and we got not even 50% in return from our men. You and I both settled, hoping they'd eventually see what they had in us. Well, they didn't. They are the ones that suck, not us. We gave all we had, and for them, well, they obviously knew they didn't deserve to be treated so well, so they looked for others that wouldn't be as great.

 

I'm on day 25 of NC with my D, and well, it's not easy. I think about him constantly. I always want to break NC and contact him, but really, what good would it do? If he still doesn't want to be with me and fight for me, I'd only be hurting myself.

 

You need to do the same for yourself. Go NC. Heal. Learn how to love life as a single person. That's what I'm trying to do. It's hard, but it's what we have to do....

[Teacher's Pet]

Yay:)

 

The 3 of us on the same thread.

 

Only good can come of this. :) I just feel it.

 

I love you guys.

 

-tp

the cream filling in the hot LS chick oreo cookie..or something like that

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

"I can't believe you want to hurt me this much"

"I have done nothing but help u and trust u and that meant nothing at all. Just leave me here disgraced and hating myself"

"And force me to end this on a text"

"Tomorrow you are gone from my life - and u can't see why"

"hope one day you learn what is important in life"

"why did you need to be this to me?"

 

I can't believe this guy is still talking to you Mollyanna.

 

You are like every guy's worst nightmare.

 

You are nice sometimes, all loving, give him sex, and they you give him this crap.

 

Most guys would have bailed a long long time ago,

 

Ariadne

[AriaIncognito]

Hi,

 

"I can't believe you want to hurt me this much"

"I have done nothing but help u and trust u and that meant nothing at all. Just leave me here disgraced and hating myself"

"And force me to end this on a text"

"Tomorrow you are gone from my life - and u can't see why"

"hope one day you learn what is important in life"

"why did you need to be this to me?"

 

I can't believe this guy is still talking to you Mollyanna.

 

You are like every guy's worst nightmare.

 

You are nice sometimes, all loving, give him sex, and they you give him this crap.

 

Most guys would have bailed a long long time ago,

 

Ariadne

 

Ok, back the F off here.

 

If you were being treated as she has been treated, and stuck around (that fact i'm not condoning but it's her decision) I'd expect you to respond the same way. We aren't on this earth to serve men. She has shown him she is her own person with her own needs and has stood up for what she wants and needs in a relationship. Yes, her texts have been a little heated, but if someone you loved was ignoring you and being an ********* to you, you'd get upset too.

 

Sorry, but i defend my friends. I realize you're entitled to your opinion, but I dont feel attacking her in this manner was appropriate on this thread, given how she's hurting.

[Teacher's Pet]

You are like every guy's worst nightmare.

 

As someone who knows her pretty darn well (and has even met her).... the only nightmare I see would be to lose her.

 

It hasn't sunk in yet, but her ex didn't lose a "guy's worst nightmare", but in my humble masculine opinion, a "guy's best fantasy".

 

She's gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, and a LOT of fun.

 

Dammit, where can I get one of those?

 

I'd kill for my own Mollyanna.

 

-tp

fat, sloppy, flatulent, and depressed.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I meant guy's nightmare as in nagging nagging nagging... blaming blaming blaming...

 

"How can you do this to me," "you hurt me," "you this you that"...

 

If you don't like it leave, and if you stay deal with it.

 

Mollyanna is a nice girl, intelligent, but this side of her is making her shoot herself in the foot.

 

Most guys would have bailed, I'm really surprised he's still talking even.

 

Ariadne

[oppath]

I too disagree that her texts are heated or inappropriate. She is hurt, he isn't allowing her the forum to express that hurt. He is neglecting her needs. As a result, she is reacting. That's normal breakup behavior. People act and say things they wouldn't otherwise, because they are hurt, and the other person is disrespecting them. There is no composed, rational way to act in that situation. The only way to react composed is if you truly don't care.

[CaliGuy]

You can't see all the red flags with this guy?

Re-read your post and then ask God to help you wean this guy out of your life.

 

He is poison, nay CANCER to you.

 

You need to learn to respect yourself and walk away from this guy.

[underpants]

Hey Girl,

 

How is it going? You hanging tough? I hope so.

 

The whys...I know all about them. I could tell you some stories, but suffice to say. My friends, his friends, some of my co-workers (incidently that I didn't realize even knew who he was) and 4-5 of his co-workers all had the whys. Why does he do this and that. Doesn't he realize? Gosh, in the beginning of my breakup I had a line of people all wanting to take a swing at him. As flattered as I was, that would not have been good. I guess someones' husband or boyfriend will do that in due time. After a full 3 months of blissful silence I can honestly say I am glad to be off that crazy train.

 

I now look at the experience as a reminder to recognize when something or someone might be bad for you. I was so busy seeking value in all my relationships that I let a bad one in. Gosh, even the people who introduced us later apolgized to me. It really is okay to let an unhealthy/toxic person out of your life...you just might be the lesson they need. On some level we are all in this thing together. I am just giving my perspective and I hope it helps.

 

The thing is Molly you can't rationalize it and you can't fix him. No matter how hard you try or wish. I spent too long doing both. You just have to stop asking why and accept that he has made a choice (all be it a very bad one...and I am sure not his first bad choice). None the less it is his right to make this choice. This of course forces your hand. I do hope you stand up for yourself and just never respond to his contact again. If you need to, tell yourself not to make or accept contact for a certain amount of time (3 months seems to the opinion on this board and I concur). I would add that you do not need to explain this to him, just vanish from his life and let him wonder. Disregard/ignore any contact from him as well. Let this dog lie, in the bed he made.

 

Molly, the sad fact is that you can't ask why any longer. This is just who he has chosen to be. This is no reflection on you. However, it will be if you enable it by hanging on. That is all I am saying.

 

You are unable to hate him because on some level that would mean hating yourself....for allowing and enabling the extended bad treatment. I forgave myself for staying in a bad relationship and have promised to make better choices and to treat myself better in the future. I hope you do the same.

 

Forgive yourself, let him totally go and start to clear away the hurt so that you're (now wiser) heart will be more open for a more deserving soul.

 

When you can embrace a new romance with a fully open heart, well, that is a really a good thing. Personally, I can't wait. It's good to look forward to it, especially when you know you did the work. It takes time and distance to achieve that perspective but I think we will get there. It will be a faster route if you let this old baggage go.

 

Project Number 1: Just looking...

 

Tommorrow is Friday. You and I shall go for a very long walk in a somewhat crowded area and just walk and observe. No, sorry no drinking allowed, bars don't count. It's summer and I am sure there are very attractive men all around us. You and I in our respected states shall just go on a walk and observe the crowds, take a silent survey so to speak. This is just an assignment for us both. Okay, I am excited, tommorrow I have a 30 walk scheduled somewhere between a gym and an art institute, maybe near a fire dept. Where are you going to walk Molly?

 

Look at that encouragement and an assignment from a stranger.

 

I should write a book.

 

Chin up girl. Time to drop the zero and look for a hero.

 

Take good care, and keep your eyes open.

 

Warmest regards,

Unders

[dropdeadlegs]

When you said nightmare I think you under rated your story.

 

I sincerely hope you will really consider this the end.

 

I have a history of choosing men who I felt needed to be rescued from themselves. What I learned is that they didn't think anything was wrong with them, so my rescue attempts were futile and exhausting.

 

You can't care more about somebody than you care about yourself. Your well being is the most important thing. Sometimes you have to let people that are making you crazy go. Let this one go and make some other woman nuts.

 

You have the power to do this. You've had it all along and need to wield it now.

 

The $700, the plane ticket, the cell phone bills, none of those are worth more than your sanity. Any time you do something nice for someone else, you really have to consider it a gift even when repayment is implied. If you cannot afford the "gift" you simply cannot give it.

 

It is almost impossible to remain good friends with an ex. I think when one tries they are secretly hanging on to the relationship that ended. Friends don't get jealous when their friend dates or sleeps with others. The friend dynamic just can't be immediately morphed into at the end of a relationship, at least not for most people.

 

This girl staying at your house needs her eviction notice served. She can find somewhere else to live. Tell her she needs to make other living arrangements ASAP if you need her out in order to heal.

 

I hope you can do what needs to be done, Mollyanna. I wish I could do it for you.

 

Take care of yourself!

[MagnoliaJane]

[Why is he doing this to me]

 

...Mollyanne, so sorry to hear about your grieve.

 

I believe he is doing this to you because he knows he can.

 

You are the only one who can make him stop. By removing yourself from the situation.

[Mollyanna]

Followup to this story in case anyone might wonder, or in case I need to come back and revisit this one day and remember something GOOD about the situation.

 

He came to visit me in January and I couldn't stand the sight of him. I defriended him from Facebook before he had even left my home. He was a mess, so disrespectful of me, rude, and completely annoying. He looked horrible and all he cared about was smoking weed - even doing it in my apartment when I TOLD him I did not want to smell it. I have completely cut him out of my life now. He said I have changed - for the worst - that I used to be a lot of fun and how I let NY change me into someone else. Maybe I did.. and maybe I finally saw him through different eyes. I CANNOT believe how I used to feel about him. It doesn't seem real!!!

[BewitchedandBothered]

Followup to this story in case anyone might wonder, or in case I need to come back and revisit this one day and remember something GOOD about the situation.

 

He came to visit me in January and I couldn't stand the sight of him. I defriended him from Facebook before he had even left my home. He was a mess, so disrespectful of me, rude, and completely annoying. He looked horrible and all he cared about was smoking weed - even doing it in my apartment when I TOLD him I did not want to smell it. I have completely cut him out of my life now. He said I have changed - for the worst - that I used to be a lot of fun and how I let NY change me into someone else. Maybe I did.. and maybe I finally saw him through different eyes. I CANNOT believe how I used to feel about him. It doesn't seem real!!!

 

they always say "you've changed" when we don't behave as they want us to. Glad you are strong and got rid of this disgusting oaf.

[Frank13]

Wow an update from a 2007 post. Very nice. Most people wouldn't have bothered. Thanks.

[Mollyanna]

Well after reading all of this again, I was so disgusted. I can't believe actually that was ME!!!?? Really??? Wow, I still do some stupid things, but OMG I was really losing it there.

 

This made me feel better that I know now I am stronger and can end things before they get THIS bad.