it ended last night - need feedback & support

[mattea]

my boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs and i broke up last night. we've been having a lot of problems for the last few months, ever since he was accepted into several law schools and went on a path of determining which one he wanted to attend.

 

one of the schools was here in town, a very good school, and i'd hoped he would stay and go there, or if he decided that one of the out-of-state schools was a compellingly better opportunity for him, that we'd relocate together.

 

the past few months have been hard because i've felt that he wasn't really considering our relationship much in the decision, it wasn't a decision we were making together as a couple, and he couldn't say the things i needed to hear in order for me to feel safe upheaving my life to relocate with him. i think us moving together was a possibility we were willing to explore, but things got so bad due to the stress in the last few months, i guess now it doesn't seem right after all the fighting and distance that's been going on.

 

he's decided to go to the school that is farthest from here, and says he is not ready to live together. he wanted us to have a long distance relationship and said he thought we could make that work if we really wanted to. i feel that the only way i could make a long distance relationship work is because there is really no alternative and there is some end in sight sooner than 3 years away. i don't want to remain invested when he's not sure what he wants or when he'll want the same things i want (shared life, home, etc).

 

so i told him i thought we should break up. he was very sad, said it made sense but he didn't want to. he felt helpless and wanted to know if there was anything he could do.

 

i hate to lose him but i don't see how we are going to continue to develop a relationship long distance. although he seems to feel it would be tolerable, it would be torture for me.

 

please give me some insight here. i'm sad to lose him, but don't see any other choice, or at least not one i think i can live with.

[SouthernT]

Just my 2 cents......The distance would be a good test for your relationship with him. If the two of you are really "serious" about one another, the distance won't matter. It will only prove to make the two of you stronger within eachother. Besides, what do you have to loose? Absolutley nothing. And if he's upset about the breakup and says that he doesnt want to break up, then thats a very good sign. Part of a relationship is being able to stick with your significant other THROUGH THEIR GROWTH AND CHANGES. It will make your love for one another stronger. Turn the tables..... If you were the one going to law school and had such a great oppurtunity, would you want him to walk away from you or support you through the process? In other words, if you choose to walk away from him at this point, then it needs to be for reasons other than the distance. There should be something else going on in the relationship that your not happy with. The distance shouldnt be the deal breaker ALONE.

[mattea]

i hear what you are saying and those things have occured to me. i don't want to be selfish and i want to support him going to school and growing.

 

what concerns me is that after 1 1/2 years, i still feel like we are "dating" rather than moving on to being a couple sharing a life together. i feel like there were a lot of different options we had to stay physically together and for him to still go to law school. one was my relocating with him, which i was willing to do if he could make a stronger declaration of feelings for me. when i asked about his feelings after over a year together, he said that he loved me, felt we were still "developing our relationship" and "getting to know each other". i wanted to hear that he was crazy about me and didn't want to lose me

 

other than my relocating, he was accepted into a very good school right here in town and another good school a few hours away. instead he chose one about 1000 miles away. even he said that they were all good options and he'd be happy at any of them and maybe there was no "best choice". so why not keep our relationship together?

 

i just don't know if our relationship is serious and commited enough to make it through long distance, since he isn't sure what he wants with me but isn't ready to make more of a commitment now. we are exclusive and i know he loves me, but i just don't know if i can make it through being long distance and just seeing each other a few times a year. i know some people can do it, but i just don't think i can, without feeling more sure of him wanting to be with me long-term.

 

i guess what i have to lose is dragging myself through the pain trying to be in a long distance, starvation diet relationship, only to find that he doesn't want to commit to me any more after 3 years than he does now. i'm ready to be partnered with him now, share a home and a life, etc.

[trigger]

Sounds like you really did the right thing for yourself.

 

He's not giving you what you need, and I think you know that you can't make him give it to you. Sounds like wants his cake, and wants to eat it too. All you can do is tell him flat-out your concerns, and if that doesn't make a difference, there's nothing else you can do.

 

Your relationship doesn't sound stable enough to ride all the waves of change and growth that come with school and relocating, let alone a LTR.

 

You deserve someone who is able to give you what you need, not someone who can't yet who expects you to go on a starvation LTR diet anyway. That's just kind of selfish.

 

I'm sure he's a great guy, but not for you right now.

 

I feel for you! But I think you did the right thing.

[TheRealBigOMan]

In my experience, distance is a very tough hurdle to overcome in a relationship.

 

Keep in mind that he is going to law school, so he will have to devote a lot of his time to working and attending class rather than talking to you online/on the phone or however you plan on communicating. If you have a lot more free time than him, you may end up just sitting around missing waiting for him to call.

 

No one knows the relationship situation as well as you know it, but I would suggest you just move on, since you had been having relationship issues already. Those issues will be even harder to fix at a distance, and new issues will probably arise.

 

However, if you feel the relationship is strong enough, it could be worth it to try the distance thing for awhile. I just wouldn't expect too much out of it.

 

It is human nature to emotionally drift apart when physically apart.

[Kamille]

Three years ago I chose a school on a different continent instead of staying in the one where I had met my ex-SO.

 

The school I chose had a much better program and offered a better scholarship, not to mention, better career opportunities once on the job market.

 

My then SO was very upset about my choice, told me he didn't feel like i had taken the relationship into consideration, that he obviously wasn't a priority in my life, etc.

 

He didn't want to do long-distance and I convinced him to try it. We did have other problems in the relationship, I loved him (will always love him), but felt suffocated at times and thought that if we could survive the distance together, then we were definitely meant to be. We made plans so that he would come meet me there that summer for a few months.

 

Once I got to my new school, I worked about 80 hours a week and absolutely loved the program and loved the city I was in. He couldn't handle it. He didn't want to hear about my new city or even school. He wanted me to regret my choice. We eventually broke up.

 

So hmmmm. It isn't clear from what you wrote why the school 1000 km away makes more sense for your SO. I think a part of you believes that he chose the school to be away from you. If that were the case, he wouldn't want to try long-distance. There is likely a very good reason for him to chose that school that is outside of the dynamics of your relationship.

 

I realize that both he and I might sound selfish. but I was raised to believe that I should be able to provide for myself no matter what, also to love my job and that means making the wisest career choices possible. I think this might be double for him, since he is a man. Yes, his career choices might seem selfish, but he is likely just seeing the longterm, what he needs in order to be the best provider he can be.

[jcster]

I think you made the right decision, based upon everything that you wrote. It sounds like you both had reached a transition period in your lives - which is where the cracks in the relationship begin to show. If there were cracks in the foundation (which it sounds like there were) then you were wise to call an end now. Good luck to you!

[mattea]

wow, thanks to everyone who responded. it's funny, i feel like i got responses that are on the two opposing sides going on in my head.

 

first, kamille, i hear what you are saying and i am actually coming around to realizing how important that particular school and experience are for his growth and that his growth would be stunted if he stayed here. i didn't realize that until talking to him more recently, because along the way he was saying they were all good options and making it sound as if they were pretty much equal and he'd be happy anywhere. i am seeing that that isn't actually the case. it does take some of the sting out of his decision, and i know he doesn't want to lose me either and is extremely sad.

 

the problem is that things have been shaky lately, mainly as a result of this decision and us not handling it well and communicating well about it. i guess i'd hoped that if he did discover that one of the schools was far and above the others, he'd talk to me and we'd relocate together. first, he doesn't feel ready to make that kind of a step together and be living together, etc. i think that moving together is something we could have considered and explored if the last few months hadn't caused so much stress and strain.

 

so now i feel like my only option if i want to stay with him is to try long distance... and that would be REALLY hard for me. i don't think he's selfish, but i do want to move ahead with more of a shared life and i don't know how we will get stronger and closer as a couple over all those miles away while he's so busy in school. i don't think i would want him to regret his choice - i am happy for him that he has this opportunity, especially now that i see how much it means to him. but i do think i would need more togetherness and closeness that would be very hard to have at that distance while he was so busy. it would be extremely hard for me, without an end in sight before 3 years

[Hitman10000]

He made his choice, You or a Long Distant Law School. He chose the Law school, and you made a choice : You or Him. You chose yourself. Good! GOOD! Now go outside, exercise, explore the world and be happy.

[JCD]

I think you did the right thing. Who wants to be in a LDR plus having this insecurity about the state of the relationship hanging around their heads? I wouldn't.

[mattea]

guys, i'm kind of caving here.

 

i've been incredibly sad for the past couple days and i'm missing him. we emailed back and forth a little. i know he really loves me and we're sad to lose each other. it's tough.

 

i feel like he really needs to go to this school for himself and for his growth, and i feel like i am abandoning the relationship because he's doing that. i was thinking that maybe there is some middle ground.

 

i can't really blame him for not feeling ready to make a move together and live together. things have been hard with us for the last few months and it is a big step to make. i'm not sure it would be wise anyway, because i'd be upheaving my life too, and i don't really want to leave where i am other than that i don't want to lose him.

 

i want to back to school too, but i want to take this next year to explore my options, do some volunteer work, take a class or two and determine exactly what i want to study next. i am thinking that perhaps i could commit to long distance for his first year of law school and then, assuming things felt stable and good with us, i could relocate the following summer and go to school where he is. we'd have a little more time under our belt in the relationship, and maybe some more certainty that being together is what we want. i;d hope we could see each other every 5 or 6 weeks during that first year.

 

does that sound impossible? or reasonable? am i just setting myself up for more pain if i commit to that? i think it would be harder for me to be away from him than it would be for him, but if i knew we were working toward something in a more reasonable time frame, i think it would be a lot easier to accept. he could get his bearings and get what i think is the hardest year of law school out of the way before we also made this other big life change.

 

i haven't mentioned this to him yet, but i'm thinking about it and trying to decide if it's a good idea or i'm just being crazy because i love him and don't want to let go.

[JCD]

That's why it's a bad idea to date while in school. When school is over, everyone goes their own direction and relationships break up. It's only when you are firmly established after school and have life of your own, then you start a relationship with someone that is established as well. It might seem like it's impossible to move on without him but if you put enough distance between you, you will forget him and get on with your life, I guarantee you that. You will then perhaps see that you two weren't meant to be.

[LoveLace]

I'm curious about how old you two are? If you are separating, and both still fairly young in dating years, (not that any age is too old for that!...you know what I mean) like say your early-mid 20's...or younger...separation could result in more than a couple of ways. Either way I'll think you'll be just fine and so will he. It takes a strong person to leave someone they love, and it takes a strong person to break up with who they love.

 

I think your idea is a good one to spend a year doing some things you want to do. In that case, you are choosing to have a long-distance relationship for a year, correct? A year is "nothing". Yet, a whole lot can happen. I don't see any harm at talking to him about it, though. It seems that you are both trying to find a solution or compramise. One possible result is that you both agree to long-distance for one year. This is the same as getting back together, and starting the new style of your relationship. There is a chance that one year, your time-to-yourself could change things. You will have to be more independant, emotionally. There is a chance that this experience will be what actually helps you to let him go. You don't want that, but consider it possibility. So of course, the same could for your BF. Or what if one person was living fine with it, while the other was miserable? These are undesirable outcomes, I know. On the other hand, it might be almost flawless, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", and end up making you a stronger couple than ever. You stuck to the plan, and your together. There were tough days, but you made it. That is what your hoping for.

 

I was only 18, but I left my fiance to go away to a college only 1 and half hour away. I didn't want to leave him; it was the hardest thing ever. But I was positive that we could handle it for 4 whole years. We'd get married a couple years later, or when I graduated. I looked into local schools, but i wanted to attend my father's alma mater. I also loved the idea of all that freedom (from parents). I remember discussing other ways with him, and we probably considered him moving with me or something. But I had to live in a dorm, for students only. I really, loved him. I would send him cards and he would come visit sometimes; and every time he left, i bawled. I bawled the 1st day I moved there!

 

And to think when he considered the military, I begged him not to go..and he stayed.

 

I had to get my mind off of him somehow. I joined a sorority. When I told him, I think it's when he started with 2nd thoughts. His instincts were correct. Being in the sorority worked. I slacked at first, but started to get real interested and involved. So many new friends, that it felt empowering. I had spent everyday the last 3 years with my boyfriend. And suddenly, I was this new woman. When visited him on weekends, I would find myself wondering what I might have been missing at school! And I met other guys, but none that I wanted to be serious with. Maybe I realized my youth and opportunity. It only took a few months before I just didn't want my BF as a priority anymore. I was learning so much about myself, that I was engorged in it. He even said "I changed" once. It went right over my head. I didn't love him anymore. I visited less. Finally, (my sophmore year), he broke up with me. He knew what was happening. Maybe he wanted me to argue with him, but I didn't. I was relieved. He was crying. Then, he joined the military....and married now with kids...and happy. But a few years ago, we hung out and he actually considered leaving his wife for me. But I let him down again, cuz I didn't want to put us through all that.

 

I have no regrets. I know my story isn't exactly like yours, nor may it result the same way. But your being strong by encouraging him to do what he wants to do. Unlike me, who begged him to stay. It's as though I played the role of your BF and your attitude is more like my fiance's was. You broke up with him because you felt it was best. And he wants this new opportunity just as much as he wants you. In my case, we were pretty young. That could make a difference. If you both see it in the most positive light, a year flies. If you keep that in mind, you'll stay optimistic. Even though I loved my BF, I grew more pessimistic by the minute.

 

You could agree to the one-year idea. But being that far away, it is a big test. You'll either make it or you won't. If you do make it, your story will turn out completely opposite of my own! I am cheering for that.

[sunshinegirl]

I have a number of friends and family members who have gone to law school. Anecdotally speaking, law school is supposedly very tough on relationships - lots of divorces and breakups.

 

That would give me pause in your situation, as you don't sound like you two are totally solid on wanting a future together. Pair that with a very stressful academic life ahead for your BF...in another city...and...well... please just be prepared for things to not go as you hope. Not that I hope things will go badly for you... but please do make your decisions with your eyes wide open.

 

Good luck.

[LoveLace]

I did end up staying at school the whole 4 years. It was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything!

 

But here I am, 30, single, wishing I could be married with kids! I would be, if I had made another decision.

 

"In a New York mintue...everything can change" - Don Henley

[silentcharon]

Wow, mattea, that sucks. I was in the same position as you were- several years ago with my ex of 7 years. He wanted to work at a ski resort that meant so much to him- his dad worked there when he was our age, it was where he dated his mom there. His dad always had stories of good memories of when he worked there- so my ex wanted to experience the same thing. I understood this, but I also got the idea that he wanted to "see what was out there" there.

 

So, naturally, I was upset- the ski resort was nearly two hours away. We had been dating for three years then, so I felt that he should take our relationship in consideration while making this decision to go work at the ski hill. In the end, he decided to go anyway- in addition, two of our mutual friends wanted to go as well. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was that I couldn't stand not being a significant part of his life, and not being there to experience it with him. It's very hard not being able to share a special time with your love, you know?

 

So, what did I do? I was a fresh graduate from high school at the tender age of 18- no job, no idea of what I wanted to take in university or of what careers I would want to get in, etc, etc.. I decided to apply there too. About a month after my ex started working there, I got hired- I packed up my stuff and moved out of my parents house. Working there was one of the best times I ever had in my entire life- I remember the first night I arrived- my ex took me out on a quad and we went to one of the lift huts on top of the mountain. My ex told me to look up at the sky- I will never forget the sight of the sky, it was so full of stars that it seemed impossible. In the middle of nowhere, away from the cities and all the urban BS, breathing in the crisp air on top of a mountain with someone I loved. It was then I knew I would not regret my decision one bit.

 

We shared many, many special moments there, as well as I did some growing up on my own, being away from my family and friends, working on my own for the first time. I was truly on my own- at first, I had to share a condo with a stranger male co worker. Although, my ex lived a few doors down, my ex still didn't like it one bit One day, I come back to my condo after work, and everything's been replaced with his stuff! I turn around with a WTF face, and my ex was standing right there, laughing his ass off. He totally took me by surprise, I acted mad because he didn't tell me he was moving in with me, but I secretly loved it, because I didn't even entertain the idea of living with him in an actual place of our own, and he took that step on his own. This is what I mean, we got to grow together as a couple, and learn new things on our own.

 

Of course, we took a huge step in doing that- we both knew that we would either make it or not, this test was going to make or break us. It's well known that relationships often don't last on ski resorts, it's much like college- people who work at ski resorts are there for fun, where they can do what they pleased. There were parties all the time, we had access to the mountain even after it was closed to the public- we got to meet different people from around the world. We even lived in the same condo, same room as his dad did thirty years ago! We still took that risk, and it was worth it in the end. We lasted for another four years after working there.

 

Go ahead and entertain the idea to your ex, but only if you accept the risks. Be prepared to explain your feelings, and what you think is acceptable to him. Carefully listen to him when he explains his long distance relationship idea, and remember that while this is a huge risk, he still wants to work with you. He may have not come up with alternatives other than long distance for 4 years, so tell him your idea and see what he thinks. He still loves you, other wise he wouldn't have brought up the LD idea. He would have broken up with you, if he didn't want you to be there to share with him. If he protests, well... I guess you have your answer. It will be obvious that he no longer sees you as part of his long term plans.

 

Hope this helps, I hope I make sense in this post, as I'm tired

[mattea]

thanks so much to everyone for your reponses it's good to hear stories of other's experiences.

 

so we are not that young - i will be 34 this year and he will be 33. in part i guess that makes it harder, because if we were 10 years younger i would understand the need for independence and exploring. i am actually a pretty independent person - i have a good group of friends and get involved in many things myself like volunteer work, taking classes that interest me, etc. but i do like to spend a lot of alone time with my significant other, and i can be kind of introverted and have a hard time socializing too much. he on the other hand is VERY social. it's been a source of contention at times, but something i'd hoped we could work out.

 

anyway, i'm still thinking about the long distance thing. i don't want to drag him back into the possibilities if i am not certain i want to try. i know i am going to have to accept very little from him if we do, and try to be supportive even as i am not getting intimacy needs met. maybe part of the reason he can't see us going together now is that a relationship takes a lot of energy and he knows he's going to have some major adjusting to do for school even being on his own. i'm just not sure how we will keep from growing apart.

 

but i really do feel like it would be so much easier for me if i knew that i had to only stick it out being apart for a year, and that after that we'd move forward. i need there to be a plan that includes us being together at some point if we're able to stay strong during the time apart. if i'm going to school and volunteering and working full time too, i'll be plenty busy on my own for awhile, and yes, a year will fly.

 

of course, i don't even know if he's open to this yet. maybe i'm scared to bring it up because if he rejects the idea then i'm completely out of ideas

[LoveLace]

I think you should ask him about the 1 year idea. If he is reluctant, perhaps it's best that way, you seem reluctant also...understandable. But regardless I think you two should talk about it. Have an understanding that there is a chance it won't work, but you wanna be together enough to try. Agree to be honest about all your feelings along the way. Communicate. At the end of the year, tell each other where you both are on the issue. Chances are if you've made it, you'll stay together...I mean you seem to love each other that's for sure.

 

I'm routing for you two. Even though I was much younger, I do understand what your going through. Is anything as stressful as a life-altering decision?

[mattea]

thanks lovelace, and everyone.

 

i called him today and we are going to have brunch tomorrow and talk. i think it's worth exploring the 1 year idea and seeing if we can find a middle ground. i want to feel like we've thought of all the options before giving up! if we do that, then i'll have some closure even if it isn't going to work, and i can move on knowing i/we tried everything we could.