Feeling down... just a long vent...

[IWALH]

I am really at a loss right now. I don't exactly have anyone to talk to about this. I've been lurking around these boards again after 2 years (under a new screen name) and now feel the need to post a little about my situation... I just can't keep all of this bottled up inside anymore.

 

My story with MM is a very long one... but I will try to give you a condensed version of it. It started over 2 years ago, we worked together. We became friends and he started confiding in me and crying to me, etc. He actively pursued me but I kept telling him I would never do anything with a married man, ever (before him I never had and I never will again). We became better friends and he told me he loved me, cried more, etc etc. I finally gave in. I slept with him and we started the whole "affair." He did tell me he was getting a divorce, that he and his wife didn't even sleep in the same room, that his marriage was over and he just wanted it to end under peaceable circumstances. He told me his divorce would be finalized in November 2005, this was around May. Some time in the summer I started getting very impatient, then one night when I was drunk and stupid I got online and picked a fight with him but it was his wife and I ended up breaking down and telling her everything. He and I were on again, off again. Then towards the end of August he basically moved in with me and he said their marriage was definitely over. I talked to his wife again and she told me he was begging her to let him move back in with her. I had just found out I was pregnant with his child and at this point I was done with him and decided I didn't want him to be a part of my life (or our daughter's) so I pretty much handed him back to her on a silver platter. I didn't talk to him or anything. I even moved across the country in December to get away from him. Right before I moved he came over to get some of his things and tried to kiss me, but I didn't let him. I was done.

 

Over the course of the next 6 or so months (in which I moved back across the country, but to a different state than him) I only talked to him a few times.... each time he said "she knows" (that he is still in love with me). He always asked why I didn't just wait, blah blah blah. But I didn't indulge him so the contact pretty much stopped. Until right before I gave birth and his wife started contacting me... being very nice and inquisitive about the baby and saying they wanted to be a part of her life and such. She and I became very friendly and I finally stopped "hating" him and said he could meet our daughter when I went up there. Right before I went up she changed her mind and said not to talk to them again without a legal paternity test from a lawyer. So I stopped talking to them again.

 

Then I saw him at a mutual friend's wedding. I don't know why.... but when we were talking I blurted out that I was still in love with him. He was very shocked and surprised because I think he thought that I still hated him... I was kind of shocked at myself. He asked me again why I didn't just wait, he had everything planned out and then he told me he would call me.

 

Since then he calls me at least once a week.... from payphones because his wife apparently checks his cell phone bills. He is telling me all of the same things. That he is so in love with me, his marriage is over, they rarely have sex, he needs to talk to a lawyer to figure out how to go about things, he is only there because of his daughter, etc. And he has given me a new date... August. He told me to just not mess things up this time and it will happen. So right now I am just waiting for August. I have seen him a few times with our daughter on trips up there and I slept with him recently after a year and a half.

 

I am very friendly with his wife again... too friendly. But that's because I want our kids to have a relationship. We actually went up there to visit this past weekend and I met her for the first time. They watched my daughter for me so they could get to know her while I went out with a friend. I also slept with him 3 times while I was up there. I know how horrible that is... trust me, I do. I have never felt the kind of love and passion for someone like I do for him. And he feels the same way. I also really like his wife and I feel like the biggest A**hole in the world for doing this to her. I have tried to justify it in my mind because of how mean she was to me in an email once... where she pretty much insinuated I was a whore (I have only slept with one man in nearly 3 years... him). But she had every right to do that and I know this. When I was up there she was unbelievably nice to me. She got me drinks, offered to make me food, invited me to the pool with them, etc. I have no doubt she is the nicest, most mature BS there has ever been or ever will be. It was all just a very bizarre situation... and made me feel like such a scumbag.

 

The morning I came back down here MM called and told me how awesome it was seeing me and how he couldn't wait for August and that it was too far away. He told me that he loved me and that he would call me later that night (monday). He never called me that night and still hasn't (wednesday night). I'm sure he will some time... he always does this. He says he will call at a certain time and then waits a few days before he actually does. But waiting really sucks and gives me severe anxiety.

 

That's the predicament I am in right now. I am just waiting. I mean, what else can I do? I hate how I feel right now. I feel so sad and anxious and there is nothing I can do about it. But it's exactly what I deserve. I deserve worse... and I am sure karma will get me, it always does. I always have to wait around for him to call... and I have to wait to be with him until August.

 

I told him that I was reading these boards again (he knows I did years ago also) and he said "Oh no... don't believe what they are saying there." Reading the things that people said on here is one of the reasons I broke down the first time. I told him that the things he was saying to me sounded like what all the other married men that the women describe on these boards say. He said not to listen to them, just trust him this time. Then he reminded me of something I read on these boards a few years ago... that only somewhere between 10-20% of married men actually leave their wives and start relationships with the "other woman." He told me that there had to be a percentage for a reason... it does happen and will for us.

 

Blah... I don't even know why I am posting here. I know I am going to get flamed for this. I know what I am doing is not right. I know this. Yes, I continue to do it. Yes, I am indulging and enabling him. Yes, I am stupidly trusting him. But I truly am in love with him. I truly am a good person.... I have just made some very very bad choices... and I just don't know what to do.... or what to think.... He is like a drug, a very addictive drug that I just can't quit.

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline, just be honest. Both of you. I think he's lying to you, wants you back as the OW. I don't believe he is going to leave his wife...

 

If this whole thing is going to work out, his wife deserves to know the truth, that he is making these plans and is in contact with you again, this way he doesn't have to lie and sneak around.

 

Sorry, but I DO think you're about to make a huge mistake by getting involved with him again. The guy isn't worth it...Even if he is your child's father.

 

Please think about this, not only for yourself, but for your daughter. Could you fully trust this man 100% even if you two DO end up together? He has shown how capable he is of cheating, lying, betraying, and then cheating, lying and betraying again....Seek some counselling to help you make the better decision for you and your daughter.

[IWALH]

Bottomline, just be honest. Both of you. I think he's lying to you, wants you back as the OW. I don't believe he is going to leave his wife...

 

If this whole thing is going to work out, his wife deserves to know the truth, that he is making these plans and is in contact with you again, this way he doesn't have to lie and sneak around.

 

Sorry, but I DO think you're about to make a huge mistake by getting involved with him again. The guy isn't worth it...Even if he is your child's father.

 

Please think about this, not only for yourself, but for your daughter. Could you fully trust this man 100% even if you two DO end up together? He has shown how capable he is of cheating, lying, betraying, and then cheating, lying and betraying again....Seek some counselling to help you make the better decision for you and your daughter.

 

 

Thanks... you always have great advice.... you probably don't remember, but you helped me a lot when I found out I was pregnant a few years ago...

 

I know in my head you are right.... but it's so hard for my heart to listen. He told me that there is no way he could cheat on me because there would be absolutely no reason since he knows (and this is going to sound bad) that he will never find sex as good as we have. :/ He says a lot of things... a LOT... I have only just barely touched on the things he says to me. I just don't know what to do.

 

I actually just made an appointment with a therapist for Monday.... trust me, I know I really need help with this....

[whichwayisup]

I do remember you and (you're beautiful too!!) it's good that you've come back for help.

 

Just remember, he said all those things to his wife too, and they said vow to eachother....That in itself wasn't enough to not to stop him from cheating on her....

 

Definately talk to the therapist. And, if August rolls around, and he actually does leave his wife, (you make sure you have proof of the papers) THEN both of you need counselling together. Until then, you need to stay away from him, no sex, nothing....If he truely wants his marriage to end so he can be with you, let him go sort that out. Why should he have you in his life now? Start it off more honest, which is why his wife needs to be told the truth of what's going on.

[IWALH]

I do remember you and (you're beautiful too!!) it's good that you've come back for help.

 

Just remember, he said all those things to his wife too, and they said vow to eachother....That in itself wasn't enough to not to stop him from cheating on her....

 

Definately talk to the therapist. And, if August rolls around, and he actually does leave his wife, (you make sure you have proof of the papers) THEN both of you need counselling together. Until then, you need to stay away from him, no sex, nothing....If he truely wants his marriage to end so he can be with you, let him go sort that out. Why should he have you in his life now? Start it off more honest, which is why his wife needs to be told the truth of what's going on.

 

Do you remember what I look like?? I used to have my own picture as my avatar, but people I knew IRL found me on here so I had to change my name and my avatar to scarlett johansen (since people say I look like her). If you remember what I look like, that's amazing, haha!

 

I know he said all those things to his wife.... she told me he did. *sigh*

 

I can deal with not having sex with him until August... I live about 10 hours away from him so it's not like I am easily tempted.... but I don't know if I can handle not talking to him when he calls. It is so nice to hear from him. It has only been 2 days since I last talked to him and I am already going a little crazy. Ughhhh, I just don't know what to do...

 

I can't tell his wife again... as much as I want to because (as hard as it may be to believe) I truly do respect her immensely and think very highly of her. I wish to God I wasn't in love with her husband. But I promised him I wouldn't ruin things this time. You can bet if September 1st rolls around and things haven't changed she will definitely be in the know then.

[whichwayisup]

If they have kids, she WILL be in your life forever...Which is why he needs to talk to her and tell the truth of what's really going on, if he doesn't, sorry but not only is he making a fool of her, so are you because you two kind of have a friendship.

 

As long as you have a deadline, and if he hasn't followed through, you can end it once and for all.

 

Wow, someone IRL recognized you on here? See, that's why I won't post my mug anymore. I did once, on LS picture day...The things we all talk about, all over this place is sometimes NUTS. OH man if my mom ever knew I was the one who started the Friday HOT SEX threads, she'd blush! My hubby knows and thinks I'm just a pervert!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Is he paying you child support?

[IWALH]

Is he paying you child support?

 

Nope. We had a deal in the beginning that if he didn't go after any kind of custody I wouldn't go after child support. I just can't fathom the thought of her being there with them for longer than overnight.... if that.

[scaredinlove]

. OH man if my mom ever knew I was the one who started the Friday HOT SEX threads, she'd blush! My hubby knows and thinks I'm just a pervert!

 

I am in shock too!!!!!!!!!!

[scaredinlove]

Nope. We had a deal in the beginning that if he didn't go after any kind of custody I wouldn't go after child support. I just can't fathom the thought of her being there with them for longer than overnight.... if that.

 

Must be though to raise a child witjout child support. I am raising three, but my exH pays child support, against his will but he does.

I hope things work for you and your child. Be careful , you are playing a dangerous game being friendly with the wife. And if he dosen't care to help you raise the child , do you really think he loves you?

 

Good luck.

[IWALH]

Must be though to raise a child witjout child support. I am raising three, but my exH pays child support, against his will but he does.

I hope things work for you and your child. Be careful , you are playing a dangerous game being friendly with the wife. And if he dosen't care to help you raise the child , do you really think he loves you?

 

Good luck.

 

 

Well, I told him I didn't want their money. If I really needed the child support, I would get it. But it is not neccesary right now because I am living with my mother and stepfather who help me out immensely. If I was on my own, I would need it. We have more than enough right now, though.

[IWALH]

*sigh*

 

Well, he just called. He's been out of town with his brother-in-law for work so that's why he hasn't called in 2 days.

 

I told him I was reading these boards again and he mentioned that 10% thing again. He said again "Didn't you say once that 10% of people in these kind of relationships work out? What makes you think we aren't in that 10%?"

 

 

I asked him if he was really serious about everything and he assured me over and over that he was and he said I better be serious. We'll see in August....

 

I just wish his wife was really mean like so many BS's seem to be. But... she's not. She is so nice, so nice. She is the kind of person that would be a best friend of mine under different circumstances.... I wonder how things will pan out between her and I after August (presuming he really is serious).

 

He also told me just now that they both know it's over and they are just there for the kids and as soon as he gets a day off of work he will go to a lawyer to figure out issues of legality.

 

I just don't know what to trust.... my heart or my head....

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

What makes you think we aren't in that 10%?"

 

 

Um... because he hasn't performed a single action which points in that direction? All he has done is talk about it.

[Seen_It_All]

I told him that I was reading these boards again (he knows I did years ago also) and he said "Oh no... don't believe what they are saying there."

LOL..what a lying scumbag.

 

You keep believing everything this dirtbag tells you. It's a love bound by destiny you've got there. I think I can see the angels singing all the way over here.

 

Good thing you have NO EXPECTATIONS IN LIFE - WHATSOEVER. Thisway, he can't possibly disappoint you.

[IWALH]

LOL..what a lying scumbag.

We'll see in August, now won't we?

 

As for not having any expectations, I have many. He knows everything I expect of him. But I am respecting that he wants to keep his divorce as peaceful as possible and that's why it has to be a little drawn out (though when you are a busy mom with your own life a state away, 3 months really is not long at all). Things are a little out of whack right now, but I am expecting them to be a little more stable once he deals with what he has to deal with.

 

I am not saying this is the most psychologically healthy relationship. I am not saying it is the most moral relationship and angels are singing in chorus somewhere. But it is what it is. It could be better, could be worse. And if I am not 100% happy in my relationship with him when we do get together, I won't stay in the relationship. Because, yes, I do have fairly high expectations. If I get one inkling that he is cheating on me, it's over. I am not someone who can stay in a relationship wondering if he might be cheating on me like so many BS's do.

[Ruby Tuesday]

"Oh no, don't believe them..."

 

LOL

 

Just listen to reason and common sense. If it sounds foolish it probably is. Trust your own instincts.

 

For a BW, we believe them because they are our husbands and they're supposed to be committed to the marriage, but when they have an affair we're always the last ones to find out, so it's up to us to seek the truth for ourselves.

 

When my WS was lying, omg, he got really good at it. He was a beautiful liar (I love you! Youre the one I always wanted!) but then when I filtered what he said and what he did, and then I realized that he was just a liar.

 

assface lying jackass liar !!! lol

[torranceshipman]

It's so sad...it's always 'August', or 'Christmas' or 'until I grow a pair' and of course the deadlines come and go and they ask for an extension for some lame reason, and keep you hanging on longer and longer, unless you dump their sorry ass the 1st time round (which I did, thank God, and never looked back).

 

Logically...strip away all the crap he tells you, and 'wait until August' is just random. He wont have any nicer a divorce in August than he will in June, July or any other time, so why all the waiting? All OW's do is constantly support and make excuses for the 'difficulties' the MM is going through - oh poor baby - for goodness sake, be a man....if you have to constantly make excuses for someone elses behaviour, they are bad for you...he isn't even attempting to offer you any financial help in the meantime (which would make you feel more looked after, for sure, regardless of whether you actually NEED the money....instead he 'struck a deal' so he felt he was benefiting from it - as long as things are good for HIM, right? Probably too scared of his W seeing the money move out of their account,and came up with the custody line as an excuse).

 

I don't see him reassuring you or respecting you. And making you hang on for days for a call, and not calling when he says he will? Take the latest excuse: he didn't call because he was out of town. Well, was he is a town without phones?! For Goodness sake!! That is disrespectful and he's showing you by his actions that you're expected to wait on him, follow his timetable, do what he says...what about your needs? They're ignored.

 

I'm not trying to flame you, I'm just sick of seeing these MM b**l**** their way through life without conscience and hurting so many people as they go. And there are kids involved now and he still acts this way-horrible.

 

And to pick him up on his much loved 10% quote: maybe 10% of MM do end up with the OW...but how long did the OW have to wait for him to leave? How many friends and how much happiness did she have to compromise to wait for this MM? How much anxiety did she have to go through, probaly for years, to end up with this MM? And how many of those MM only left because the W threw them out? And how many went back to their W? And how many went on to get another OW? Success stories are way more likely to be in the 1% category. Tell him that. And see what excuse he comes out with ('but trust me, I will', 'don't listen to them' blah blah, I'm sure)

[PoshPrincess]

I just wish his wife was really mean like so many BS's seem to be. But... she's not. She is so nice, so nice. She is the kind of person that would be a best friend of mine under different circumstances....

 

We only THINK that the BSs are really mean because that is what MM wants us to believe. I am sure if I had met my MMs W (under normal circumstances of course) I would have thought the same as you. I'm sure that most of them are a lot nicer than we are lead to believe!

 

He also told me just now that they both know it's over and they are just there for the kids and as soon as he gets a day off of work he will go to a lawyer to figure out issues of legality.

 

I am not doubting his feelings for you - only he knows how he really feels - but if he and his W both know that the M is over then why is he still there? It's not going to be any easier for the kids in 3 months time than it is now!

 

I just don't know what to trust.... my heart or my head....

 

Only you can decide. I did a lot of hanging around too and it just got harder and harder. I wouldn't normally suggest this but seeing as his W pretty much knows anyway, why don't you give him an ultimatum? Tell him that if HE doesn't have the guts to tell his W then you will do it for him. See what he has to say to that. Just a suggestion.

 

All the best!

[HappyAtLast]

When I fell in love with my OW and decided to pursue a divorce, I consulted with an attorney. He advised me to do a couple of things to protect myself and then I could move out without loosing any legal standing.

 

I went to my OW, told her what those things were, then did them. I then told my then-wife I was leaving and left.

 

Unless he has some valid reasons for exactly why August, tells you what those are and proves that he is doing them I see no reason to waste your time waiting. Talk is cheap.

 

My biggest concern in getting a timely divorce was to not hurt my OW in the process by trying to buy myself time. That meant doing some fairly uncomfortable things quickly so as to not drag it out and hurt her. I would accept no less from your man.