9Lives Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I have stop seeing the mm after 2 years or so. I have been depressed but trying to stay strong. He called me last weekend and left no voicemail. He today sent me a email asking me if I was going to a party. I did not answer. That made me feel weak and also disappointed because he was not saying anything else. I wish the circumstances were different so I still love him. Just feel weak and bad.
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Please, do yourself a favour and block his email address. Reading ANYTHING from him is going to make you feel bad. NC is for you, remember that!
Author 9Lives Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 I was but I dont have the strength yet. yes I am stupid.
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 You're not stupid, don't say that about yourself. How about this. Make up a new email account, copy ALL your friends and people you want to keep intouch with over to your new email account. DO NOT add him as a contact. This way, you can still use email, and be intouch with friends/family and you won't know if he has emailed you. Just a suggestion...Think about it... Anyway, I think you're alot stronger than you realize, so just try to take it all one day at a time. Keep busy, distract yourself and if you feel like contacting him or anything, come post here.
Author 9Lives Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 I am trying so hard. I know this is the correct path to choose. He did not keep his word and I have to move on because if it. I have no choice. It is just painful. I been getting high almost everyday to help with the pain...weed really. nothing else. I cant believe we are not together anymore even though it was my choice. I'm just hurt.
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Weeddd....I smoked weed alot when my father died back in '93. It certainly helped me through those rough times....Just be careful that you don't fall into a pattern of relying on it.....(Ok, nag time over!) You can't see it now, but in afew weeks you WILL start to feel better. You did make the right choice, even though it's hurt you badly. Cry, grieve, scream, do whatever you need to do to work through the pain - BUT, make yourself have FUN time too. You're hurt, but if you had stayed with him, you'd be hurting more...And that hurt would be continuing, getting worse, not better. Try to get some sleep tonight, put on some music or watch some TV in bed. That should help you relax as well as the MJ.
Tomcat33 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I am trying so hard. I know this is the correct path to choose. He did not keep his word and I have to move on because if it. I have no choice. It is just painful. I been getting high almost everyday to help with the pain...weed really. nothing else. I cant believe we are not together anymore even though it was my choice. I'm just hurt. Hello 9Lives...just reading your posts. I feel your pain, I really do, it's sooooo damn hard. I was there myself not too long ago. Let me tell you though, first and foremost congrats on putting your footdown, you really deserve to acknowledge just how good that decision is, and you owe that all to YOU. And there is nothing stupid about that. So good for you!!!!! I know right now nothing feels right, almost like you are going through the motions of being lead by what is morally right but going against your very own heart. But just because you can't see the postitive right now it doesn't mean there isn't anything positive to come. It sounds like you are in the thick of it right now and all you can really do is ride it out. Feel the pain an let it leave your body with every tear, have a good cry or two or four and don't fight it. Sleep it off if you feel like just being on your own. Write a journal of your feelngs it really helps to purge your thoughts and to put them down on paper. Tell him all the things you want, he's never going to see it anyway right? ;-) Don't be so hard on yourself, I know it feels really stupid when you cave in but it's not stupidity it's being human and you still love the man. You are going to have set backs, it's ok.. it's just a relapse, but like kicking any addiction, relapses are just a reminder of what we don't want to fall back on. So if you do "relapse" pick yourself right back up and focus on your goal, it's a temporary hicup what's most important is your ultimate goal, and it's to do what you must 'to heal yourself. NC is the best way to recovery. I would caution you on the substance use, I have nothing against rec drugs or drinking or what haver you BUT at this particular time your brain is going through a deep depression, when we fall into a depression we can alter the chemical make-up of our brain and to add a substance like pot to that can really magnify the course of action the depression would take on its own. If you use pot regularly I am sure you already know that pot is a depressant, do you really need more help feeling depressed? I know you can numb the pain but you are also making the pain worse, it's a viscious cycle. Your are doing it, you are on your way, don't forget that.
PoshPrincess Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I would caution you on the substance use, I have nothing against rec drugs or drinking or what haver you BUT at this particular time your brain is going through a deep depression, when we fall into a depression we can alter the chemical make-up of our brain and to add a substance like pot to that can really magnify the course of action the depression would take on its own. If you use pot regularly I am sure you already know that pot is a depressant, do you really need more help feeling depressed? I know you can numb the pain but you are also making the pain worse, it's a viscious cycle. 9Lives, I can see where TomCat is coming from here, although saying that, I reacted pretty much the same way. I occasionally smoked spliffs but my big thing at the time was drink. I've always liked a drink but have been more of a weekend binge drinker than anything else. When all the BS was going on with MM I was drinking every day of the week and I don't just mean the odd glass. I was getting through at least a bottle of wine indoors every evening, more if I was out, and a couple of times I even found myself swigging wine in the morning before I went to work (only a few mouthfuls mind, I wasn't going to work p*ssed or anything!) As for lunch times, I regularly went and sat in the pub on mine own, with a glass of wine and a few cigarettes. I was really worried I was becoming an alcoholic but I just had to do it to get myself through. It was the only way I could sleep at night. Really not good being that I have a child to look after although I was never drunk when he was around. I probably would've been a lot less stressy if I had been TomCat is right about the dope, it IS a depressant for many who take it. I personally don't think it can do as much harm as the drinking simply from a quantity point of view, and I know lots of people who puff who don't get depressed. It's only when I started taking anti-ds that I stopped smoking spliffs as the one and only time I combined the two it had a really bad affect on me and scared the sh*t out of me to be honest! Be careful 9Lives. I know this is more painful than anything and most of the time it can be too much to bear. I remember just feeling total gut-wrenching despair, like wanting to shout, scream, hurt myself, anything to make the pain of the possibility of losing MM go away, but it's true, you just have to ride through it. As I said to my friend the other week, I know it sounds melodramatic, but I actually felt like my heart was being ripped out. I'm not coping with things THAT brilliantly myself even after all this time. Must start taking my own advice (LOL!) It's always easier to give advice than it is to take your own. Things only got easier for me when I started seeing my now BF but I certainly wouldn't advise you to do that. I feel like I am using him big time but I don't know how to get out of it. Best not to involve any more people in our dramatic lives!
Author 9Lives Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 First of all.....THANKS OF THE SUPPORT. It does feel like death in my heart and mind right now. We were very close so I feel like a part of me is somewhere else and I am not sure if I will ever see him again. At this time, it is not something I want to do. I have two opportunities but I am not going to do it. I know he is looking for me at both places. I just want to heal. I am reading this book called " we he really leave his wife" it is a good book to let you see what affairs are and all the works of it. Mines was a love affair. It had physical intimacy, emotional initmacy, social initimacy, but it lack the commitment. The commitment is what he said he was going to give as well but then started having second thoughts and all that. I did not want to be hurt even more so I just moved on. Let him be with his wife. I am scared to be involved anymore. Dont worry about the weed....I have been smoking more that usual but I dont have a addition to it. I have it around me since I was like 11 yrs old and I can take it or leave it.....but right now.....I am smoking to help with the day to day pain. I need relief and it really helps me. It is hard to not wonder what he is doing and thinking. It is hard but at the end of the day, he know what I want. So it is best he stay away. NC is not hard as accepting the fact that we are not together anymore. I cant seem to accept that since we seem like we was never going to leave each other alone. Yes it was my decision but I still have to deal with the pain and loss.
overandout Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 First of all.....THANKS OF THE SUPPORT. It does feel like death in my heart and mind right now. We were very close so I feel like a part of me is somewhere else and I am not sure if I will ever see him again. At this time, it is not something I want to do. I have two opportunities but I am not going to do it. I know he is looking for me at both places. I just want to heal. Hi 9lives, I think you are doing the right thing and I hope you continue on your path. Stay stong; it will get easier, but it is not easy. You say that you know where he will be, one of two places, and that he has been there presumably looking for you. How do you kow this? Have you been there and seen him but not let him see you? If so you need to stop this. Ok it might be "flattering" to know that he is hoping to see you, but what is he offering you? NOTHING MORE THAN THE AFFAIR. If he was, he would be making positive steps-phoning you and asking to see you to discuss your future with him. He is taking the easy way out; visiting places you go to, hoping that you will "cave" and fall back into his "duplicitous" arms (which he also places around his wife from time to time.). Remember that, and this will keep you strong.
Author 9Lives Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Well it is too late, I have caved in again. Not good. the only reason I am telling you all this story is because I want to always be honest with you all even if I have to look bad cause it is just the truth of the ow life. We need to share with other women so they can have a clear picture of what is going on in these affairs. On Saturday, he was upset and needed to talk. He came over and wanted us to go a fight party and all that. I said no but I do the "damm thing"! S/hit. I really tried not to but I could help myself. I been getting it only for so long I had to get it again. Then on Sunday he came and spend the entire day again with me so I'm all messed up. What can I say.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Pick yourself up and start the NC again. Make it CLEAR to him as long as he is married, you do NOT want to be the OW in his life. And, that means no calls, no text messaging, no IM's, no dropping by, no seeing eachother. HE has to respect your wishes. NC is NC and he shouldn't be calling you for anything. IF he needs to talk, he has his wife or a male buddy, a brother, someone other than you. Please, think ahead abit and don't get caught up in the "NOW". The little bit of time you spent with probably felt good...And now you're messed up, hurting and even more confused. HE got what he wanted, and you got the short end of the stick once again.
Recommended Posts