aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 It's been quite a while since I posted here, so to recap: wife and I had rocky relationship (6 years total), she vilified me and blamed me for our demise, said she was never ever happy, we never went to MC, she left for OM, wanting a super quick divorce b/c this other person had already proposed marriage (yes we were/are still married, but not for long ) and she wanted to have children with him (and if I didn't give it to her she threatened to get pregnant with his child and make me responsible due to the laws in NY state--and that was just one of the nicer things she threatened to do). He was one of her club regulars where she danced..33yo and living with his parents for whatever reason. No kids, so I left with my heart shattered. It's been 4.5 months and I started IC right away, discovered that I'd been pretty much suffering from depression for a while. I've since learned so much about myself in those 4.5 months. I've learned to own my feelings not to suppress them and as a consequence learn to truly accept personal responsibility which means I can only control my own behavior and actions. Learned to forgive myself first, then her, and not to take her betrayal personally. I've since applied that to everything else in my life and wow!! I just don't take most things personally now and go about smiling most of the day w/o even realizing that I am, it's so weird my friend's commenting how different I look and not just since the breakup. I used to hit the gym 1.5 hours day 4 days a week, but since then I've gone 2+ hours per day 5 days a week. I'm in fantastic shape now (of course the 20+ pounds I lost during that first month really helped, if anything this has been a fantastic diet program). I started playing golf again (got a new set of Ping irons), started surfing again I hadn't seriously gone in 9 years, scuba diving with my brother and friends, and playing paintball again, plus I'm planning to travel a bit--many of those trips I had planned when I was with my STBXW, why the hell should I let her deter me from still going!?!? I know many people here have been through similar heart breaking situations, but I can say now what I couldn't believe then and that is things do get better. Things didn't always go well at first, against my therapist's advice I indulged my self-destructive side and started filling up a little black book, I'm not saying I didn't have fun, but in the end she was correct and this behavior really left me feeling hollow and more miserable. I wasn't taking advantage of the time to figure myself out. I took a very pro-active approach to healing and not just letting time take care of things. I confronted my fears, my own inner demons, and let go of the anger. Posting here on LS helped a tremendously. I still on some occasions, probably due to a trigger, have some conflicting emotions such as I never want to hear from her again, but at the same time wish she would call. I can remember what she looked like, but I can't recall the details of her face and I remember the good times, but it's the bad times that I had ignored which I can see clearly now. In the end there is still a dull pain in my heart that may or may not ever go away, but I now accept it as just part me.
cecil brown Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Glad to hear things are going better for you. I'm stuck in a deep rut and reading stories like yours give me hope.
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 I felt as though I was stuck in a rut, like there was no way out of all this despair I was feeling. The pain felt overwhelming and worse everyday felt as bad as the previous, while some where worse than others. Try to be proactive about ridding this person from your system they really are like a drug. Having kids makes just makes this harder b/c the other person will still be around, but not impossible. Just put forth the best, most honest effort you can. Self-help books and IC really helped me.
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