Same old, same old

[Nyx]

Hello, I discovered this forum a few weeks ago and have read a lot since. I didn't know such a place existed until then and was amazed to find a place where people could talk freely about being the OW and receive sensible and practical advice without being flamed and called all the names under the sun.

 

My story is far from unique, in fact the feelings involved are similar to everyone else here. However, it's rare to have this opportunity to 'talk' about it, and that on its own can be cathartic, so I hope you don't mind if I take up some server space.

 

We'd met online, we had the same interests and were looking for someone to share. He wasn't married, however he had made it clear from the beginning he had a long term girlfriend of some 20 years. He made no promises then or ever.

 

Although they had been together a long time, they both had their own homes, own jobs, miles from one another and during the week they lived apart. They spent every weekend and holidays together. There are no children involved.

 

We met in real life in January of last year. I was as happy as a pig in the proverbial for several months. We enjoyed the time we spent together enormously and both found it very satisfying. However, as the summer wore on I remember getting more and more uncomfortable with him spending weekends with someone else as I would have liked to have shared some of that time with him. I had other 'boyfriends', but I wasn't seeing anyone regularly and although I was getting some physical relief with these men, emotionally I was falling for the person I knew would ultimately always put me second.

 

I rang him one Saturday night in tears and to his credit he rang back. He was about to go on holiday with his SO for a week and I was struggling with the idea of him leaving me. I was miserable whilst he was away and started to find it harder and harder to cope with only being able to contact him when it suited him, only being able to see him when it suited him. In many ways we were lucky as we did have time during the week and we would spend a couple of evenings a week together towards the end. We even had a couple of days out and spent the night together a few times. I tried my best not to say anything so we could enjoy the time we had together.

 

However, this feeling of hopelessness was washing over me as Christmas approached and I knew he wouldn't be prepared to spend any of that time with me. I knew I had to end it sooner rather than later for my own sanity. It was sooner - he announced he was going away with his SO again and I'd had enough. I wrote him an email before he went away explaining why I couldn't continue this way. There was no ultimation, no it's me or her, I just let him know what had been happening to me the last few months and (slightly) how I felt about him. Needless to say he carried on with his plans as I expected. I on the other hand was falling into this deep dark hole or rejection and hurt. It didn't help that I was physically suffering from something we were both equally responsible for, and he wasn't around to help me.

 

I knew it wouldn't be easy to cope without seeing him, but I never realised it would be so hard or would go on for so long. I was crying every day, drinking and I lost about a stone in weight between then and the new year, even though I was already slim. (Hey, being a rejected OW is a great way to lose weight!). Of course I knew it was stupid as he'd never offered me anything other than affection, comfort and physical satisfaction. He'd never suggested that we could ever spend any extra time together or that anything would change in any way whatsoever.

 

This is the bit you're not going to like, even though technically I'd blown him out, we continued to communicate via email every day he was able. I thought I was mature enough to have a civilized conversation with him, but every now and again, normally after a bottle of wine, I would tell him how I felt and look for answers to questions I already knew the answers to. There are a few times when I've regretted it, as at best I've come across as pathetic and overly emotional and at worst bitter and confused.

 

Even though I was still hurting every day, still missing him like crazy, I tried my best to do smalltalk, to put in the odd smiley, to pretend I was ok for the most part. Now and again I would tell him I were seeing other men, but it was only to see if he would react - he didn't. He was/is always supportive, sympathetic and kind to me. He's apologised for hurting me several times and once again I have to point out he never promised me anything so really it's my fault for falling for him. And yet I can't help feeling rejected.

 

Bringing this up to date, he emailed me and asked me whether I'd like to go out for dinner with him on my birthday - I have nothing else to do. He wrote that he understood it might be too painful for me. I thought about it for about a minute. I couldn't realistically allow myself to see him knowing that it would take me back to square one, and although it still hurts every day, I accept it's not as bad as it was immediately after the break up. I told him my decision. Then, perhaps unadvisably, but I was desperate for a way to close this, I asked him to tell me I was and always will be second best so I can move on. Needless to say he replied that he couldn't make that statement as it wasn't true.

 

I told him all the things I'd like to do with him this coming weekend and suggested we make it reality if the statement weren't true! I don't actually expect him to change his plans to spend the weekend with me for one second! The point of the email was that he has a choice, has always had a choice and I know and he knows deep down, he made it a long time ago, and he must have been comfortable to let me play second fiddle.

 

Well, I guess that was my FO email as there's nowhere to go from here. He will reply saying something like sorry and I know that realistically he can't change his plans - thus totally missing the point. Then there should be no more questions to ask. I already know all the answers, but it's hard trying to convince myself they're true.

 

Ironically I have seen hims scouring the sites looking for someone else to share his needs with, and reading between the lines he's not having any success - no doubt severely hampered by the fact that he's not single. Whereas I have lots of male attention and although it's proving useful as a distraction, when I go to bed at night there's only person on my mind.

 

I'd like to ask you a couple of things. If you're going to go to no contact, do you tell them first, or do you just stop communicating? Has anyone managed to stay in contact with their ex in a civilized, adult manner and still move on? There's little chance of bumping into him in the flesh in every day life, so that isn't an issue.

[whichwayisup]

He honestly doesn't care....I hate to tell ya that, yet I think you know already...

 

All you have to do is tell him you no longer want to keep intouch, say goodbye and then block his email address. You owe him nothing!

 

he emailed me and asked me whether I'd like to go out for dinner with him on my birthday - I have nothing else to do.

 

This is why you owe him nothing. You are his 'after thought', when he has nothing else going on, he looks for you. That ego feed....The fantasy and fun. Yuk!

 

Why would you want to stay intouch with him? All it will do is feed your feelings, and feed his ego. He thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread!! Again, yuk!!!

[quankanne]

sounds like you've had a lot to mull over with this relationship, nyx. I don't imagine it's any easier than ending a relationship with only two people involved, and my heart goes out to you.

 

basically, you can play the no contact things two ways: Just flat-out ignore him, cut him out of your life without explanation. Because really, you don't owe him anything.

 

other route you can go is to tell him firmly that you've decided that this is not the direction you want your life to take anymore, and that it's over. That you're not accepting emails or calls or contact from him anymore, period. Then walk away. Because again, you don't really owe him anything, but you're giving him one last common courtesy by telling him that YOU know it's over.

 

from personal experience, staying in contact with an ex just doesn't work because it helps that relationship to linger, in a sense. It's one thing to be socially polite, but another to try to stay "friends" with the person who stomped on your heart or your pride ...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If he is scouring the net looking for other women, then what he wants is something on the side, something that is not going to interfere with his real life (if you can call it that). This man will never handle relationships in a way other than this. He NEEDS that something on the side. So, if he actually chose you over her, there would be another on the side. You don't want that for the rest of your life, you would be no more happy than you are now.

 

NC is supposed to be about you. You initiate it. You enforce it. No explainations are needed. He knows how you feel, he has responded by letting you know he is happy with the way things are. If he left SO tomorrow, NYX, you misery will only increase. You beating yourself up grieving someone who doesn't exist. MOVE ON for your own well being and just be thankful that you aren't unknowingly investing your life in someone of his character as his SO is.

[Lizzie60]

It's really up to you... but I know I like 'clean cuts' so I would email him for saying this is the very last email...blablabla... but you have to keep your word and block him and never ever contact him again.

 

Hard but it's doable! Good luck! Be strong.