torranceshipman Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Hi guys, I've been dating a really great guy for a couple of months...we're exclusive, see eachother regularly, I've met a lot of his friends (who are awesome), and I really like his company. I've met some of his family too...Problem is....a couple of weeks ago, he lost a member of his very close family, and now he is all over the place - his usual sweet self one minute, then standoffish/distant and hard to get on with the next. Totally understandable that he can't get his head round all this, and of course I don't expect him to be his normal self after something like this has happened. I can only imagine how horrible this all is for him, and how much stress he must be under so I've told him I'm here for him as little or as much as he needs me. But I'm worried how to handle this, and becuase I haven't known him for long, its very hard to read him, and know the best way to handle this...should I expect a very rocky road ahead? Is it likely he might get depressed and try to push me away, act in a very different way from usual, etc, because right now, things don't feel good? If anyone's been through something similar, it'd be great to hear your advice on how to handle it. I don't want to pressure him or overwhelm him with 'i'm always here, how are you feeling' type comments, but I don't want to ignore the issue either, especially if it is making things really fractious between us because of the stress.
EC Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 My bf lost his bestfriend a couple of months ago. It was really hard and he did a complete 360 on me. But my bf and I have been together for 3 years and you are still new in your relationship so I don't think it's the same. Either way, I just gave my bf a lot of space. Whenever he felt like coming over I was there for him. I talked to him about it only when he brought it up. I made little dates and stuff for us to keep him occupied and not thinking about it so much. But for a bout 2 months my bf just stayed around his family and brother. He visited the grave a lot and kept to himself mostly. After a while he slowly started to come around. It wasn't until after he got a tattoo in his friends honor that he finally started smiling again and being himself. I guess that helped him. Everyone is different. I suggest you just give him space and let him come to you when he needs you. Death is something very hard to go through. You start questioning EVERY thing about life and a lot of things don't make sense anymore. So just be there for him and let him come around.
Author torranceshipman Posted May 2, 2007 Author Posted May 2, 2007 Thanks so much EC, I really appreciate your input, helps to hear that...I'll try and give him as much space as he needs (-:
Author torranceshipman Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 EC (or anyone else who can comment on this), out of interest, did your boyfriend ever elaborate on why he felt the need to just stay around his family and brother only, when he was grieving? My boyfriend told me today that he was sorry to be out of contact sometimes, but that he feels so mixed up right now, and feels like its hard to be around me right now as he hasn't known me long. That sounded so harsh, but I guess he means he needs to be around people who know him really well, who he feels comfortable just being himself around? We have a great relationship but he is right that we've only been together a short time. He said he was probably going to go a visit a childhood friend this weekend, who knew his family and him since childhood - seems important to him right now that he is with people who knew his family and his history... Any input would help as this is quite hard to know how to deal with!
kymberann Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Maybe he is really afraid or uncomfortable showing this side of himself to you right now? Perhaps he may be thinking if he opens up and lets it out you may be the one bolting, even though you have said you will be there. Just give it time, it is situations like this where trust is earned and gained for both of you! Best!
annabelle75 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I think his behavior is normal, especially for a man. My ex-husband lost his sister to breast cancer a few years ago and for a while he seemed to shut down around me. I didn't know his sister very well, so he had a hard time talking to me about how he felt. It was easier for him to accept comfort from his family and friends who were close to her. I just backed off and gave him some space to deal with it. I let him know I was there for him when he needed me and that is what he needed to hear. Eventually he started being his old self again and things went back to normal. His behavior isn't abnormal. Don't take it personally. Eventually he'll come back around, it just might take some time and patience.
trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Maybe he is really afraid or uncomfortable showing this side of himself to you right now? Perhaps he may be thinking if he opens up and lets it out you may be the one bolting, even though you have said you will be there. Just give it time, it is situations like this where trust is earned and gained for both of you! Best! I'd agree. And please, do NOT try to convince him to open up to you about all this. If things are right, he will in his own time. He sounds like a good guy for being honest with you about why he's a little distant. And it's all perfectly understandable. I don't believe this is anything you should take personally in the least. Just be patient, and be there if he needs you.
Author torranceshipman Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks so much for all this advice, guys, it's making it easier for me to deal with all this and understand what is going on. My boyfriend called this morning and ended it between us, as he said he really had feelings for me, but just wanted to be on his own right now - he didnt even really want to see his friends either - he needs to be on his own to deal with everything, and feels like it's too unfair to have me waiting around for him until he gets to a point where he feels like he's ready to see me and friends, etc again. He said it breaks his heart to do it, and I'm the best thing to happen to him for a long time, and I'm probably the person that cares most about him too - he said he felt like he was losing something special by doing this, but he just knows he needs to be on his own, and thats best for him right now. We've agreed to stay in touch, but (although I'm totally gutted), I can see - from what you've all written - that this is at least a good sign, in that he's going through a normal 'healthy' stage of grieving. Do you think there's a chance that we might get back together after some time, when he's feeling a bit more able to cope with things? I told him I really appreciated how honest he's been with me, and that I'd support anything he felt he needed to do, but that breaking up now doesnt mean he'd lose me.
sb129 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I am sorry that this has happened. This is different from a "normal" breakup. At least he is being honest with you that he doesn't feel he can pull his weight in one half of a relationship while he is grieving. This is a normal part of grief. It can really take over your life, and as some of the other posters have said, it can make you re-evaluate your own life. I am not surprised at all that he is retreating from parts of his life. I can't speak for your exBF, but I think that given the circumstances there may be a chance of reconciliation when he comes to terms with his loss. That said, you need to prepare for the other possibility too. He sounds like a pretty decent kind of guy who is going thru a really tough time right now, and he might be thinking he is doing you a favour by breaking up with you, because as I said before, he feels he can't give you what you need in the R right now. I would give it a couple of weeks, and limit your contact, however in this case I think it would be appropriate to contact him every so often to let him know you are thinking of him, and hope that he is doing OK. I hope it works out for TS.
Ruthieo01 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I think you should give him some space. Let him know that your there no matter what. But this is very hard to go through alone. Now he has someone new in his life. He probably isn't going to know how you are going to react to his feelings. That scares guys I think! Maybe you could send him a card or something. Let him know your thinking or him and concerned without being pushy with it. Best of luck!
Author torranceshipman Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks sb129 and ruthie....it really helps to get this advice... He just had a big bunch of flowers delivered to my office (today-same day we broke up), saying sorry because this must be hurting me so much, which was so touching...just such a caring gesture. I know he needs space and I think you're right, he can't handle a new relationship right now for all the reasons mentioned in this thread, and he needs space and time to grieve...the flowers give me hope though, that when he's had some time to deal with all of this, we might have a chance, because it seems like he really does care about me...he knows I'm here for him as a friend and if he is ever ready to be more than friends again, I'll be here. And he seems to be going through a healthy, normal grieving process, which is a positive thing to see...which kind of makes the break up easier for me, knowing its for the right reasons...
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