pregnant on purpose!!

[IThinkIllGoToBoston]

so, I wasn't married to my partner, but there was still "another woman."

 

I've come to learn she has some issues, is possessive, manipulative, jealous, a textbook "victim personality" disorder issue here, slightly delusional, controlling.... VERY good at what she does... able to do all of these things, and get away with it - or even benefit from it. This girl knows what she's doing in terms of getting - and controlling - what she wants, all while appearing generally "good" in the eyes of those who she manipulates and "gets in the head of."

 

She actively pursued my boyfriend of 6 years.

She Broke us up, after our 6 year relationship.

... at this point, I left the relationship alone. I've been nothing but respectful of her and their relationship because she is important to HIM, and HE was/is/always will be a significant part of my life, therefore I respect HIM, and by default, respect her boundaries. I've been nothing but the bigger person in this situation. I've ignored her attempts to get at me, to "flaunt" her "winnings," and at her stalker-like behavior (IMing me, driving by my house, sending emails with sweet things he'd said to her).

THEN - she demanded he cut me out of his life completely. We were rebuilding a friendship at that point. They've been together 4 months.

This is where I mean she is very good at what she does, he's almost helpless, its almost as if shes sucked the energy to fight back right out of him.

 

 

She's kind of white trash, on top of all the psychological issues mentioned above.

He's on his way to a successful career, as he is in his doctorate program.

 

Now, I've gotten wind of some information, a "warning" if you will, that, knowing her tendencies and seeing her psychoticness, I believe is a true threat.

 

She's planning on becoming pregnant on purpose to trick him into a commitment with her and to secure herself a secure future.

This would ruin everything he's worked for. He would be trapped. I also have knowledge that he's second guessing this relationship with her, and is beginning to see her for who she really is, slowly, but surely.

 

Should I warn him before it's too late????

Do you think he'd even listen?

 

This may be the wrong board/thread for this, if so, any feedback as in the general direction I should take this would be great.

thanks so much!

[pelagicsands]

Should I warn him before it's too late????

Well, birth control is a mutual responsibility. And nothing is 100% effective.

 

To be brutally honest, this is none of your business. You have your own life, and thinking about this crap is a waste of your energy.

 

I say you do something to take your mind off it. What are you doing tonight?

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

1. Should I warn him before it's too late????

 

2. Do you think he'd even listen?

 

 

1. You could try...

 

2. But no, I don't think he would listen - he might depending on how you present it, though.

 

He is obviously blind to the negative qualities you see in her, and he isn't likely to believe you over her. He chose to be with her. Despite all of her manipulations and trickery - she does not have the capacity to reach inside of his head and make his decisions for him. This is what he chose. Should he choose to see her for what she really is, and leave her - then that will be entirely his choice too.

 

I know you want to blame this psycho girl for taking away what was yours, and keeping him in her magic box o' trapping - but the bottom line is, he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be.

 

That said, down to the "is it your business" part. Technically it isn't any of your business. But... you have knowlege of something that he doesn't. Something that could potentially ruin his life. Yes, it takes two to tango and pregnancies happen - but it sounds like this is one case where he will be relying on birth control that his girlfriend is deliberately going to sabotage. No guy should be a victim to that, and any guy who is in a situation like that needs to be warned about it.

 

I know that if I had a friend who was in a situation like your guy, I would warn them in a subtle way. I would hope that my friends would do the same for me. I might not listen, but at least I'd have a bit of knowledge I didn't before. Now, its tricky that you are his ex - that is built in motivation for a more selfish outcome.

 

Still, though - if he has a girl trying to trap him with a pregnancy, he needs to know that. For all anyone knows, she is popping holes in the condoms or digging them out of the trash, giving them the old 'inside out' and douching herself with his spent stuff. Or, perhaps she gave him the "I can't use birth control pills, but that's ok because I can't get pregnant anyway" bullsh*t talk. Seriously, if I knew any of my guy friends to be involved with a woman who would do this - I would tell them. A baby created out of 'oops' is one thing. A baby created out of a malicious and deliberate attempt to sabotage birth control is quite another.

 

How you go about telling him, determines how well he will listen. Some tips:

 

1. Do not insult or badmouth this girl in any way, shape or form. If you do, anything you say he will see as biased and with a motivation other than his well being.

 

2. Keep it to the facts. Do not say "(Psycho) is trying to trap you with a pregnancy - are you ready to have your life ruined like that?". Say "(Psycho) really has her heart set on having a baby. Are you ready for that with her? If not, you will want to be very careful with the BC."

 

Then again, you could do the best thing for yourself - you could simply close the door on this mess, let him go, and move on with your life without a backward glance.

[Lizzie60]

so, I wasn't married to my partner, but there was still "another woman."

 

I've come to learn she has some issues, is possessive, manipulative, jealous, a textbook "victim personality" disorder issue here, slightly delusional, controlling.... VERY good at what she does... able to do all of these things, and get away with it - or even benefit from it. This girl knows what she's doing in terms of getting - and controlling - what she wants, all while appearing generally "good" in the eyes of those who she manipulates and "gets in the head of."

 

She actively pursued my boyfriend of 6 years.

She Broke us up, after our 6 year relationship.

... at this point, I left the relationship alone. I've been nothing but respectful of her and their relationship because she is important to HIM, and HE was/is/always will be a significant part of my life, therefore I respect HIM, and by default, respect her boundaries. I've been nothing but the bigger person in this situation. I've ignored her attempts to get at me, to "flaunt" her "winnings," and at her stalker-like behavior (IMing me, driving by my house, sending emails with sweet things he'd said to her).

THEN - she demanded he cut me out of his life completely. We were rebuilding a friendship at that point. They've been together 4 months.

This is where I mean she is very good at what she does, he's almost helpless, its almost as if shes sucked the energy to fight back right out of him.

 

 

She's kind of white trash, on top of all the psychological issues mentioned above.

He's on his way to a successful career, as he is in his doctorate program.

 

Now, I've gotten wind of some information, a "warning" if you will, that, knowing her tendencies and seeing her psychoticness, I believe is a true threat.

 

She's planning on becoming pregnant on purpose to trick him into a commitment with her and to secure herself a secure future.

This would ruin everything he's worked for. He would be trapped. I also have knowledge that he's second guessing this relationship with her, and is beginning to see her for who she really is, slowly, but surely.

 

Should I warn him before it's too late????

Do you think he'd even listen?

 

This may be the wrong board/thread for this, if so, any feedback as in the general direction I should take this would be great.

thanks so much!

 

I think you should stay out of this. You are not his mother. He should be smart enough to look after himself.

 

From what I read, you seem to think it's all HER fault...

She actively pursued my boyfriend of 6 years.

She Broke us up, after our 6 year relationship.

 

You were both there at the same time... She didn't break you up... he did! You seem to think he's the poor little boy who was manipulate by the big bad girl... ha-hem... what is he... he can't stand for himself, no back bone. How do you know for sure she wants to get pregnant to trick him? You are blinded by hatred for her. Why do you feel the need to defend him, can't he do that himself... You sound like his mother, maybe that's why she won him over, he already had a mother, he wanted a girlfriend. She might be manipulative but you are waayyy too protective.

[Trimmer]

I think it not so clear whether it's your business or not. If you still have a human respect for this person, and you have hard evidence that someone is deceiving him (e.g. if she were cheating, for example) then I don't think it would be out of line to tell him. I'm not going to pass judgement on the scant information posted here - I think you have to make that decision for yourself.

 

However, if you do decide that it's your business, I agree with LB about (1) don't insult or badmouth her, and (2) keep it to the facts.

 

However, I differ from LB in some ways; I think saying "she has her heart set on having a baby, are you ready for that?" is totally sugar-coating it... First, it obscures the real information that you are trying to communicate (you are being deceived), and second, it still makes you sound like the meddling, vindictive Ex, which makes your information easy to discount.

 

You sound quite sure: you said you've "gotten wind of some information" and you state quite definitely "She's planning on becoming pregnant on purpose..." Again, without further detail, it's hard for us to pass judgement, but if you are confident that your information is highly reliable, and it points to that conclusion with the high level of confidence your statement indicates, then I think all you should need to do is provide him with this unfiltered evidence.

 

Any amount that you filter it or sugar coat it turns it into your opinion, and makes it discountable based on your previous (now-ended) relationship with him. That's why I would be against saying "she's got her heart set, are you ready for that? You might want to be careful..." If you have high reliability evidence, then saying it this way is a disservice to him.

 

Providing him with the unfiltered evidence does 2 things: it makes you nothing more than a conduit for objective information (so it doesn't seem "filtered" by your previous relationship) and it forces you to decide whether you really have solid evidence, or whether you are only going on a feeling whipped up by your distaste for this woman.

 

You will have to answer that one in your own heart first, but if you are confident it is real, and you have good evidence, then that evidence should speak for itself without you filtering or sugarcoating it.

 

How specific and reliable is this evidence (e.g. a friend heard her say "He doesn't want to, but I'm going to get pregnant anyway...") or have you "put it together" based on what you think you know about her? You are anonymous here; why not share it with us in more detail, if you really want opinions? For example, if you know that she said to someone just "I'm going to get pregnant..." are you sure they haven't decided this together?

 

So for me, the bottom line is that you need to look at the reliability of the factual evidence, which may require an honest look into your own heart and your own motivations, to decide "whether" to say something; then, if you do make the decision, give him the objective facts directly, with NO filtering and NO analysis or editorializing of your own. With that, you've done your best, and then it will be time to walk away in the "not your business any more" mode.

[Sunset]

I would stay well away, he had his choice and he chose her so unless you want to be the other woman stay away from him, find someone else, he sounds like a scumbag - I may have missed something but I am at a loss as to why you are being so nice to him?

 

Do you need him in your life for some purpose? Are you trying to get back at Psycho?

 

Hold your head high, smile and run away as far away as you can from him.

[Trialbyfire]

Remember, since you have a vested interest in him, anything you say is suspect to him, especially if she's that good at manipulating.

 

If you do have irrefutable hard information, then present it to him as a caring friend, if you must do this for the sake of maintaining your integrity.

 

Other than that, it's probably best to walk away and let him bear the consequences of his own actions. You will not be thanked for being his saviour, regardless.

[Tomcat33]

Ok let me get this straight:

 

This woman actively pursued your man,

then got him to break up with you

then got him

she is white trash, had mental problems (the way you describe her she sounds waaaay beneath you and I don't even know you but she still got your man

now they are together and you find out she is trying to get preggo

 

The question begs to be asked:

 

where was your man when all this happened?

 

Once you answer that question ask yourself:

 

Why am I trying to save this scum bag's butt? What do I gain from it?

 

The answer is: well maybe I'll get him back.

 

WHY IN THE WORLD would you want that loser back? I'm sorry but if the woman he went for is indeed all the things you described, your ex is a big LOSER. In my opinion, let him get her pregnant, let him ruin his own life. He certainly did't care or respect what he was doing to your life when he ran off with this woman, why in the world would he care to respect your words now?

 

Forget about stopping him from making mistakes, stop yourself from making a big mistake, lose the "loser" and focus on building your self esteem and yourself back up.

[IThinkIllGoToBoston]

Thanks, everyone, for your honest uncensored advice... thats why I love this place!! (yes, thats genuine, and not sarcastic)

 

I know, I know, I know... reading it from your position, it does sound like I should just WALK AWAY, or better yet, RUN.

 

But... there are many other circumstances that I obviously cannot get anyone to understand simply because of the complexity and the whole online thing, so it would be impossible to try (as with everyone, there just isn't enough webspace in the world to explain EVERYTHING!)

 

I should tell everyone that there was deception in the way she "won him over." No, I don't think he's the poor little boy being saved by the big bad girl... trust me, for a long time, I wanted to have his head... but her "tactics" involved almost impressive acts of crafted stories, staged scenarios, and manipulations (which I obviously didn't see at the time). To be honest, finding out these things made me feel better. He didn't choose her over me. He chose the only option he felt he really had.

 

As things have gone along, he's come to me more and more... he still tells me he thinks about me every day... more recently, he expressed more than once that he misses my family. He still hasn't introduced her to his parents, because "shes not you." ....I've come more and mroe to see that he is realizing this isn't waht he wanted or what he thought.

 

For the record, I have never once badmouthed her, especially to him. I told him from the very first day that I wasn't going to go after him, and would never try to break them up, because I don't go for guys with girlfriends.. even "my" guy. I've also told him that I have total respect for her, because she is someone he cares about. I have done nothing but maintain my dignity, take the high road, and be the "bigger person," in all of this.

 

and yes, my information comes from a reliable and trustworthy source. at the very least, there is much tension in their relationship, and even if she doesn't actually get pregnant, I think she'll pretend to be, or make up a "pregnancy scare" as a last resort sort of thing. but that's if she doesn't ACTUALLY get pregnant "in time."

 

NO person should be tricked into this, I ask the guys, if this happened to you, and you found out your ex girlfriend knew about it and didn't tell you to be careful... how would you react??

 

MORE IMPORTANTLY no child should be brought into this world for the purpose of using it as a pawn or as a source of power and control.... especially if neither "parent" really wants it. This child would be conceived as a means to an end... and not out of love, or even out of the simple respect of being a human being. Ugh.

 

Some people on here say they think I am trying to win him back by telling him. I will admit I do still care about him. I always will. He was my first love, and he is a big reason for everything that I am today. He played a significant role in my life, and I'll always carry him in a part of my heart and mind for the rest of my life because of that. That said....

 

I'm well aware that he may think i'm being ridiculous, and he may see if as an attack on her, and come to her defense, or think I have alterior motives or whatever, and that it may even end our current state of friendship.... but if I didn't tell him, and it did happen, our current relationship would definitely end anyways.

 

so whats a girl to lose.

 

anymore thoughts?

[Trimmer]

It sounds like you've already decided. In the end, no one here can give you strength if you lack it, or talk you out of something if you are committed.

 

Assure yourself that you've chosen your course for honorable reasons, act honestly, and accept the consequences.

[Trialbyfire]

It sounds like you've already decided. In the end, no one here can give you strength if you lack it, or talk you out of something if you are committed.

 

Assure yourself that you've chosen your course for honorable reasons, act honestly, and accept the consequences.

I agree with this.

 

Also, you mentioned that your source is someone trustworthy. Is your source someone who is prepared to stand up to the story or even wants to be involved in this? Even if this person is well-meaning, people will back down if they're the non-confrontational type. Is it fair to put this person in the middle?

 

Anyways, more thoughts for you.

 

Btw, you owe him nothing. It's the privilege of being an ex...

[thelittlespoon]

so, I wasn't married to my partner, but there was still "another woman."

 

I've come to learn she has some issues, is possessive, manipulative, jealous, a textbook "victim personality" disorder issue here, slightly delusional, controlling.... VERY good at what she does... able to do all of these things, and get away with it - or even benefit from it. This girl knows what she's doing in terms of getting - and controlling - what she wants, all while appearing generally "good" in the eyes of those who she manipulates and "gets in the head of."

 

She actively pursued my boyfriend of 6 years.

She Broke us up, after our 6 year relationship.

... at this point, I left the relationship alone. I've been nothing but respectful of her and their relationship because she is important to HIM, and HE was/is/always will be a significant part of my life, therefore I respect HIM, and by default, respect her boundaries. I've been nothing but the bigger person in this situation. I've ignored her attempts to get at me, to "flaunt" her "winnings," and at her stalker-like behavior (IMing me, driving by my house, sending emails with sweet things he'd said to her).

THEN - she demanded he cut me out of his life completely. We were rebuilding a friendship at that point. They've been together 4 months.

This is where I mean she is very good at what she does, he's almost helpless, its almost as if shes sucked the energy to fight back right out of him.

 

 

She's kind of white trash, on top of all the psychological issues mentioned above.

He's on his way to a successful career, as he is in his doctorate program.

 

Now, I've gotten wind of some information, a "warning" if you will, that, knowing her tendencies and seeing her psychoticness, I believe is a true threat.

 

She's planning on becoming pregnant on purpose to trick him into a commitment with her and to secure herself a secure future.

This would ruin everything he's worked for. He would be trapped. I also have knowledge that he's second guessing this relationship with her, and is beginning to see her for who she really is, slowly, but surely.

 

Should I warn him before it's too late????

Do you think he'd even listen?

 

This may be the wrong board/thread for this, if so, any feedback as in the general direction I should take this would be great.

thanks so much!

 

 

With so many wonderful men out there in this world, why even waste your time and energy on such a goof?

[Art_Critic]

You are assuming that he cannot take care of himself as the second party in a sexual relationship.

 

Even if she wanted to trick him then he would want to be tricked..

Most guys know where they are depositing their sperm and I doubt he is any different.

 

You are also assuming that you are the one that should step in and "Save " him from this awful woman.

 

As an adult male myself I know enough about the woman's period and condoms as well as birth control to know what my chances of getting my GF pregnant even without any of her input.

 

I would suggest you don't tell him a thing as you would be seen as the bitter person anyhow and your advice would fall on deaf ears..

 

and for gods sake stop having a friendship with this guy..you don't need this kind of drama

[Mr. Lucky]

I should tell everyone that there was deception in the way she "won him over." No, I don't think he's the poor little boy being saved by the big bad girl... trust me, for a long time, I wanted to have his head... but her "tactics" involved almost impressive acts of crafted stories, staged scenarios, and manipulations (which I obviously didn't see at the time). To be honest, finding out these things made me feel better. He didn't choose her over me. He chose the only option he felt he really had.

You know, there was a time when those "deceptions" and "manipulations" were favorably called womanly wiles. I feel for your hurt, pain and anger, it just jumps out of your posts. But so does your distorted view of their relationship (which sounds somewhat stalker-ish ), whose issues are between two people, neither of which is you. Have a one night stand, travel to Tahiti, take up hang-gliding - do something, but let this go. After 4 months, time to spend your emotional energy elsewhere...

 

Mr. Lucky