the_otherhalf Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Two months ago, my ex broke up with me after four years. There are no bitter feelings (just sad, desperate ones from my side). He said that he still wants to be friends and that he still cares about me. We weren't friends before we dated, so we don't have a friendship to go back to. Should I still keep up with him as a friend (even though I would prefer more) or just let it go?
oppath Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Sure, you can be friends with him...A YEAR FROM NOW! You have to let him go for now, and he needs to respect this. Friendship is impossible when someone wants more. All you'll do is cause yourself pain. Recognize that losing him as a friend is not necessarily permanent.
Sk8away Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Sure, you can be friends with him...A YEAR FROM NOW! You have to let him go for now, and he needs to respect this. Friendship is impossible when someone wants more. All you'll do is cause yourself pain. Recognize that losing him as a friend is not necessarily permanent. Oppath is right. As long as you're still emotionally connected (and you'll be surprised to find out how much you really are, even if you think you aren't, if he starts dating again). Over the years, I have reconnected with many exes and become friends--but that was only after years had gone by and enough water had flowed beneath the bridge that we were able to reconnect in an entirely new and different way--without any ulterior motives. But it's almost impossible to make this transition only a few weeks or months after a breakup. Four years is a long time. Neither of you are emotionally disconnected enough from the relationship yet to have a chance at a successful relationship.
Star Gazer Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I'm sorry you're sad. I think both of the posters before me are right. IME, you have to almost be indifferent to the person before you can go back to being friends. However, by the time you reach that feeling of indifference, you really don't care to be their friend either...oh, the irony! In order to get through a breakup as easily as possible, go NC and act as though there is no future - either as friends or as lovers.
silentcharon Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Nope. It's a BAD idea. Like other people have said, you can't be strictly platonic friends with him right after the break up. I tried, and I went through hell- I wish I went NC and STAYED in NC. Staying in contact with the ex prevents you from moving on, even more so when the ex starts dating someone else. It'll hurt even more, so I really do recommend NC.
Journey1220 Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 It has been my experience that once you have been in a relationship with someone and have shared feelings and intimacy it is not a good idea to remain friends with them after parting your separate ways. In my opinion seeing the other person move on with another individual is truly hurtful and damaging and not emotionally healthy.
Trialbyfire Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 It only works when neither one of you is still in love with the other. Once those deep feelings are gone, exes can make good friends.
spinback Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Nooooo. I tried to stay friends with my ex immediately after the breakup and found it completely impossible. 4 months later I tried to be friends with her and it didn't work then either (we ended up telling each other that we were still in love with one another etc, even though she has a new boyfriend). It can't work unless you know for certain that you don't still have feelings for your ex. But sometimes it takes a few mistakes on your part to properly realise this. If you want to heal, NC is the answer... with no exceptions. Eventually you'll be able to build a friendship with her again, but it takes a lot of time to get to that stage.
Author the_otherhalf Posted May 2, 2007 Author Posted May 2, 2007 I guess I had hoped that by being friends with him, he would come back eventually. I want to heal, but don't at the same time.
Dante Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Is it worth it to be friends with an ex? From my point of view, no. Can't say I really want to have anything to do with my exes. I can behave when needed but I have no interest in being friends or keep in touch with them. Past is the past and not many women like it when you have 5-6 exes you still keep in touch with, even if they're just friends. But if you really want to be "just friends" with him, at least give it some time like well said above. It is quite hard being friends with someone who used to be much more not so long ago.
polywog Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I guess I had hoped that by being friends with him, he would come back eventually. I want to heal, but don't at the same time. Yes, I understand. I think so many of us have been through this. It's almost impossible not to feel this way for a long time, in the time it takes to heal, because your ex is not out of your system. Early on it's hard to figure out whether you really want to be friends, or you just want a second chance esp. if you were the one left, sometimes even if you were the one that left. That's been my experience. I've even had guys who left me want to be friends with the motivation of wanting me back, or to see if I still had feelings for them, and sometimes because they felt guilty about hurting me and wanted to assuage their guilt by "making nice". It just doesn't work until both people have moved on. I've remained friends with most of my exes, after I got over them, and they got over me. I guess because I've genuinely liked these men as well as loved them, and most of my relationships have been long term, so we had a shared history that any friends would have. So friendship was natural after the end love, and after healing. Good luck, and be kind to yourself, and heal.
a4a Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 No. One of the parties will most likely still hold onto romantic feelings no matter how hard they attempt to hide them. This is not the only person in the world you can have a friendship with.
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