How to ask parents to move out

[biteme]

My parents moved in 7 years ago into the rental apartment we have in our home. My hubby gutted it and built it exactly the way they wanted it. THEY told US they would pay us $600 a month. Due to costs of living on LI they now pay $750 a month, which is 1/2 the going rate. We pay all the utilities, the cable, water, etc. They only pay rent and a phone bill. The partment has brand new everything....new eat in kitchen, new bath, wall to wall carpet, livingroom, diningroom, two privates entrances, walk in closet, use of my washer and dryer and detergent, there own deck and small yard and a parking spot in the driveway. They also are allowed to have a dog...UNHEARD OF in this area!! All for $750 A Month in an area where the going rate for a basement studio is $1200 plus utilities and no laundry facilities and no pets.

 

We have four children aged 3, 9, 10 and 12. We hav been married for 13 years and lived here in this house 8 years. I stay home with the kids and my hubby works full time earning about $70,000 a year. We own a house and have two car payments and our kids are all competitive dancers. We sacrifice tremendously to live here so our kids can have a good education.

 

My parents think that because I stay home, we are made of money and do nothing to help conserve. They leave lights on, have both TVs on in separate rooms while watching the same channel, do not recycle properly which could result in a fine to US as the owners, etc. They even take my laundry out of the dryer and just plop it on top to do their laundry and leave my stuff there to rinckle!! They have turned the boiler room into their personal storage unit, which is a fire hazard and have blocked one of the entrances, which is dangerous.

 

They often barge in, and do not knock or ring the bell. They call upstairs constantly to complain that the children are running around and upsetting their dog. If we are out and about, they will call our cell phones to find out where we are. When we host parties, my mother threatens not to come if her sisters (my aunts) and their entire families are invited (an additional 20 people) and she isnt even paying for it! Every holiday is a fight because my mother feels it should be spent with her where she wants to go, which is usually to one of her sisters houses.

 

I am very overwhelmed. They say hurtful things to me and about my husband. My husband works very hard, often taking on side-jobs to make ends meet and to give our kids the extras in life like a yearly vacation and dance lessons. They make constant comments suggesting he has another life and does nothing around here, which is ridiculous. The man is the ahrdest working person I know!

 

We are struggling and they are living the Life of Riley on our dime. They feel justified because they do pay rent, but again, it is not close to what I could get and it doesnt even cover the electrical bill each month!

 

My hubby is a saint and sympathizes with me, but there is just so much we can take. We have considered transferring to another state and moving and my parents truly believe we will just rent upstairs and buy another house so they do not have to move.

 

The icing on the cake came this weekend. We have saved like crazy and are renovating our kitchen. My hubby was triming the trees in the front and I overheard my parents saying that they hoped one of the heavy branches would accidently fall on their car in front and then I would have to buy them a new car and there goes my new kitchen. They were lauhing and joking about it. As the saying goes, Much truth is said in jest. I couldnt believe what I heard!!!!!!!!!!

 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Moose]

Unless you start treating them like legal tenants, you'll never be able to force them to move. And when I say, "force", that's exactly what you will have to do.

 

Do you have them on a rental agreement? If not, you better get on that ASAP! (you can PM me, and I'll be happy to send you template)

 

Personally, I would even include utility usage limits......

 

From there, whenever they break or bend the rules, document it to be used in court later.

 

I promise you, once you put a rental agreement in front of their faces, their tune will change, at least for a little while.....

[biteme]

thanks for your advice. Sad to think I would have to do that to my parents.

 

There was one time where we suggested they move (nicely) and they dragged the entire family into it and made us look like the bad guys. It is a mess.

 

By the way, it is the 1st and no rent payment yet. Since starting the renovations, we have had to remind them to pay the rent each month. Neither of them are senile....it is done on purpose.

 

Unfortunately, I can not PM you, as I am a new member.

[Enema]

Tough situation.

 

Obviously they feel like there are no repurcussions for treating you both this way.

 

Time to be firm, you shouldn't have to sacrifice like this for them.

[Zona76]

I must agree with moose.

Inform them the rent will be increased and they will be charged utilities. If they are not able to clean things up you will hire someone and bill them. Change your locks on your home and use them. They have no right to disrespect you.

~OR~

Offer to help them search for another place but you have no other alternative.

[dropdeadlegs]

Wow, it sure sounds like they are running the show. Your generosity is being taken advantage of instead of being appreciated. Sometimes ones family feels justified in acting this way.

 

I know it will be hard, but you have to sit down with them and set new boundaries. I would hope that a legal rental agreement and changed locks wouldn't become necessary.

 

Your parents may be somewhat oblivious to how much costs have gone up. they may feel some entitlement since they raised you on "their" dime. Who knows, but it's not right.

 

I would sit down with a newspaper or other rental information for your area, as well as my utility bills and show them how much you are paying. Maybe seeing it all in writing will make them understand. LI is very expensive in most areas, so I know that your husbands income doesn't put your family in the wealthy status. Your parents shouldn't be concerned that you don't work or that your children are involved in dance classes and that your family takes annual vacations. How you choose to spend your money is none of their business.

 

As for holidays, I would tell your mother that your plans are what they are and she is welcome to go elsewhere if she prefers. I would stress that the yard is for the children first and their dog second. If she doesn't want to properly fold and hang your laundry, then she can wait until you get to that yourself before doing her laundry. Explain that recycling is the law and must be done properly. The boiler room must be cleaned up or cleared out in order to prevent a hazard.

 

I don't envy you, confronting parents is very hard, but you do not have to take this abuse of your kindness, nor should you have to move to resolve this. I'm sure you have mentioned all of these things at some time or another, but I would take one shot at addressing things all at once and see what happens.

 

Considering your parents would be paying much more elsewhere I don't think you are asking much.

[biteme]

Thank you all for your awesome advice. I will definitely take it all into consideration. My parents are extremely stubborn and truly think they dont do anything wrong.

 

For instance, my Mother has alienated my Grandmother (MY DADS MOM) and basically ignores her at family functions. My Mom just called me last night crying (literally crying) when my Grandmother called and said Please put my son the phone. My Mom just couldnt understand what she has done to be treated that way. IS SHE NUTS????? I think she must be! I am not saying my Grandmother wasnt rude, but how would you speak to someone who alienates you and ignores you when they see you? Would you give them a big HELLO! HOW ARE YA??? I doubt it.

 

So, with that being said, pointing things out will be difficult in general but even worse with these two who have an innocence complex. It is always everyone else, not them.

 

Thanks again all and I will keep you posted!!!!!!

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

It's very unfair to judge a situation when you only hear one side of the story.

 

But for what I can tell about this situation:

 

With 4 children, 2 adults in the house, ballet lessons, and one washer and dryer... I can imagine that clothes are left in the dryer all the time. That's why the mother puts them on top.

 

The parents call them when the couple is out asking when they'll be back, because with four children under 12, they are the ones babysitting.

 

With two TVs in the house, the parents probably watch two different programs, that's why they are in different rooms. Yes, I can imagine that occasionally they'd watch the same thing, but it would be the exception. In this case she could ask them to contribute with a small amount for the water and power, but give that it's their own parents that are paying 750 in rent and babysitting, I can hardly imagine this is appropriate, unless they really need the money.

 

The tree trimming thing, I can imagine the parents were worried that their car was going to get smashed, that's why they were watching closely and decided to make a joke about it to ease the situation.

 

And if you have four children running upstairs, the least that the op can do is to tell them to keep it quiet because they are banging on the ceiling of the parents downstairs, that not only is annoying but inconsiderate, and they are making the dog all nervous as well.

 

If they are hosting parties in the house, and the parents live there, it only makes sense that the parents would like to have their relatives included, at least the aunts. I guess the parents could contribute with some money or cooking, but that doesn't seem unreasonable of them to ask.

 

It seems like the OP is just mad that the parents are having it easy while she has to deal with 4 kids and the husband has to work. That's all there is to it.

 

If she kicks the parents out, she is going to have to rent that place for more money supposedly to God knows who, and then she is going to know what it really means to deal with tenants and not to have family to rely on nearby.

 

Ariadne

[biteme]

Ariadne,

 

I appreciate your response, but your assumptions are all wrong.

 

1. I never leave my laundry in the dryer. Even if I did, it is still rude to just throw it on top of the machine to do your own. When she leaves her stuff in the dryer, I fold it and put it in one of my baskets and leave it by her door.

 

2. My parents DO NOT BABYSIT. When they call us to find out where we are, we are usually out with the kiddies. Due to my hubby*s work schedule, we often have what we call Family Fun Night. When we do go out as a couple socially, we hire our babysitter Kaitlyn.

 

3. They watch the same shows in two different rooms on two different TVs. I have witnessed it numerous times.

 

4. The cars were parked in the driveway and my hubby was triming trees at least 25 feet away. My car was in front of theirs. That is why their obnoxious comments were even more hurtful when I heard them. There was no chance of the branches hitting their car at all, yet it was clear that they wished there was. It was not to ease tension, it was because they are jealous of their own kid.

 

5. The last time they called upstairs to complain about the kids it was 5pm on a Wednesday evening, the sun was still shining and the kids were playing duck duck goose. My kids are in bed by 8pm. Inconsiderate? Hardly. They chose to live downstairs from 4 kids, if they wanted silence, then perhaps they should have moved into the church basement. As for the dog being nervous, then get him a tranquilizer...My kids playing or the dogs nerves??? Not a tough choice there.

 

6. As for the parties I host, they are MY parties and I AM hosting and paying for them. The hubby and I both have HUGE families and constantly inviting the extended family is very very costly. I do not see what the big deal is to keep my childrens b-day parties to grandparents and our siblings and their families. To continue to invite all of our aunts, uncles, cousins and their families is becoming outrageous. If you invite one, you have to invite all. On my side alone it would be my brother and his wife and kids, my parents. Then 20 aunt, uncle and cousins on Moms side and another 52 aunts, uncles and cousins on my dads side. That is over 75 people from just MY SIDE of the family for a 4th birthday party. My husbands side is even crazier. He has 3 married brothers with 6 nieces and nephews, his mom is one of 8 children and his Dad is one of 9!!!! My hubby has 32 aunts and uncles, 46 first cousins, 31 of the first cousins are married and the cousins have 57 children between them. So according to your logic, there should be no issue with inviting 252 people to a birthday party. And that is just family. I do not think so!!!!

 

7. I dont have to deal with 4 kids, I adore my children and I thank God for them everyday. I have the best job in the world. My hubbys work schedule is hard and we accept it because we are willing to make the sacrifices to provide for our family and not shove our children off to daycare.

 

8. I have no intension of renting the apartment out. I intend to use it for my own family. I have realized quite the oppoiste then your suggestion. I realized if family could be this bad, I can only imagine a stranger. I will never have a tenant again.

 

Sometimes playing Devils Advocate has a way of biting you in the arse. While I agree there are two sides to every story, your interpretation of my parents side is way off base.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I never leave my laundry in the dryer, my parents DO NOT BABYSIT, they watch the same shows in two different rooms, there was no chance of the branches hitting their car at all, it was clear that they wished there was, they called upstairs to complain about the kids it was 5pm, there should be no issue with inviting 252 people to a birthday party.

 

Oh, I see.

 

Ariadne

[biteme]

Yes, it is a slice of heaven here.

[dropdeadlegs]

Yes, it is a slice of heaven here.

Haha, more like a slice of hell.

 

I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you.

 

You have reminded me of the reason people end up homeless. They refuse to live with their families again. I swear I will live in my tent before I live with my parents again.

 

Best wishes to you in a sticky situation.

[biteme]

I hear ya. A ton of people ton us we were crazy to let them move in, and I didnt listen. My parents were always controlling and overbearing, I dont know why I thought it would be any different.

 

I lived home until I got married. I married young (23) and when I got engaged at 21, I had a midnight curfew. No joke. I was 21, engaged, going to school part-time and working full-time to pay for it. I also gave my parents $200 a month then (over 13 years ago) and did my laundry at the laundromat and paid for my own food. I had my own phone line in my room too. I am not saying an adult working child living at home, should not chip in, but I paid that for a small room and nothing else and still had a curfew!!!!!!!!

 

If I was late coming home (this was before the age of cell phones) my Mother would call my mother-n-law and wake her up wanting to know if I was there. I was often mortified. My husband had his own room and his own phone too, but my Mother purposely called his Mothers line, so in the future if I didnt want to be embarrassed, I would get home on time. I WAS AN ADULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And she admits to all of this and still stands by it today claiming that if you lived in her house, her rules. Amazing.

 

13 years later, they arent paying all that much more to me for an entire apartment and all the other perks I have mentioned above. Just doesnt seem right.

[Zona76]

WOW... After reading about your life and how you grew up, it makes me wonder why did you ever let them move in in the first place?

Time to find these guys another place to stay!

And when they move, not only change your locks but your phone number too!

[biteme]

Honestly, things seemed to stabilize after the birth of my first child 12 years ago...my mother and I actually got very close for a while and she was very good to my daughter. But she slowly started to turn again when I showed any independence. After some therapy, I learned that my mother needs to be in control and have people depend on her. The minute I show any signs of being on my own or making my own decisions and choices without consulting her, there is a problem.

 

I have also learned that I always second guessed myself because I could never make a decision without consulting my mother. It was ridiculous. I finally realized if I truly wanted to be happy, I had to start living for me and my family and making my own decisions and choices and that it is OK if my mom doesnt agree with me. She is the QUEEN of guilt trips. Whenever I told her no to something, she would start packin my bags for that guilt trip...but I have learned to un-pack as she is packing and that makes her furious.

 

So we have grown apart and she has become very spiteful. It is very sad, but I was not put on this earth to fulfill my parents every wish. I am sure I was put here for another reason.

 

My therapist told me my mother has what they call a POISONALITY instead of a personality. She is also guilty of Smother Love and has major control issues. It all stems from how she was raised. I have just decided to not continue the pattern.