cecil brown Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 After roughly 25 days, I broke NC. The pain had been eating away at me over the last week, and last night I broke down and called the ex-GF. We talked for roughly 30 minutes; it was mostly a friendly talk and we shared some laughs. However, I told her i was having a difficult time moving on and I asked her how she was coping/moving on (I guess hoping that she missed me). She admitted that she is talking to someone else. I was taken back and the first words out of my mouth were, wow, that's kind of soon isn't it? (we were together off/on for over 2 years) She re-iterated they were just talking, I guess to lessen the blow to me. She also said everything compares back to me. I tried to maintain my composure and sound happy for her, but I couldn't hold back the tears. She sensed my hurt, and tried to comfort me and asked me to not be upset with her. I told her I just want her to be happy and that I hope she finds what she needs. I also told her she still had a place in my heart if she ever wanted it. I know I probably shouldn't have said that, but it's the truth. I love this woman unconditionally. (we've been thru alot together) We talked a little more, and she answered some unresolved questions I had and that was pretty much it. I get the feeling I won't be hearing from her anytime soon, if ever, but for some reason, I can't convince myself of that. I still hold out hope that one day, she will see the goodness in us. I'm really down right now and any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
nittygritty Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Wanting your ex to be happy from afar is sooo much easier than actually seeing it in person or hearing about it on the phone. Hopefully you got enough information from your phone call to give you some closure. The quicker you accept that it is over for good, the easier it will be for you to be able to move on. Surely, you don't really want to be her fall back guy? Keeping in touch with her is going to keep you hoping that "maybe someday". Leaving a door open for her to come back if things don't work out with the new guy is just asking for more heartache. You don't want to be her guy friend that gives her dating advice, do you? OR be the one to help her get over her latest love and give her the confidence boost she needs to go find another guy? If you keep in contact with her your going to repeatedly have to go through this pain you are feeling. Its like picking off a scab and letting it bleed and slowly heal and then picking off the scab again. Quit picking the scab off of this wound of yours and let it heal so you can move on. Don't beat yourself up over calling her, especially if it resolved some issues for you. Do go back to strict NC without hopes of contact. Total acceptance that the relationship is over so you can grieve it, let it go and move on. Good luck and Take Care
Author cecil brown Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Thanks nitty... The call did resolve some issues and explained to me why she left. It just seems to me that her reasons for leaving could be overcome/fixed. But if she's not interested in overcoming the issues, there's nothing I can do. It's just hard to accept the feeling of helplessness.
krzr Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 u didnt need to resolve anything its been 25 days since u talked to her and u let yourself slip back to square one and u were doing so good.
Icantletgo Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 i was the same way. waiting for my ex to come back. in my heart i knew it was over. now he's dating TWO girls yet he won't let me go. he won't leave me alone. be thankful you got your closure but move on. if she's happy she's happy. if she misses you and wants to get back with you, then she'll do that. but don't wait around anymore. live your life.
Author cecil brown Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 I feel that I am at fault for our relationship dying. I made a lot of small mistakes that in the end, was just too much for her to overcome. She said she knows how much I love her, but she just can't handle the stress of the relationship anymore. It hurts because over the last few months I have been trying to better myself and fix my issues. I go to counseling and I try hard everyday to work on my problems. She knows the changes that I have made, but yet she's not willing to give me another chance. If she loved me enough to want to marry me and have a future with me, why can't she work with me? That's probably the most painful thing to deal with. Having someone you care about give up on you.
Icantletgo Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 the thing is this: my ex said he wanted to be w/ me forever. he gave me a promise ring, he always made references to our future kids, our future house, etc. but the thing is this: he left cause problems kept coming up. if someone truely loves you, and both are trying their best to make it work and trying to change, then they still it out. love and relationships take work. some people can deal w/ that and some can't. If you are truely in love w/ someone you dont risk the chance of losing them ever. and she chose to give up on you, she chose to risk losing you.
Author cecil brown Posted May 2, 2007 Author Posted May 2, 2007 Our whole break up has been going on since late November. She left, then came back, then left again, then we saw each other on a casual basis because she wasn't sure what she wanted. Then she left again one month ago. It has been a vicious cycle, but I love her and want to see it work. What makes it even more difficult is that I already have anxiety issues to begin with (I'm on meds), and this is just compounding those issues. I wish I could move on because the stress is killing me. I have lost 25 lbs, I can't sleep without medication, and my mind is constantly on her. People at work have commented about my apprearance, saying I look strung out on drugs, and how I look sickly. You would think after hearing that she is moving on and talking to someone else, I would get the message, but I haven't; it has just gotten worse. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm traveling down a lost highway. The counseling isn't working, the meds aren't working...I seriously feel depressed.
KaneNAbel Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Cecil Brown, read this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Also, the reason your counseling and meds aren't helping is because you are depending on those tools alone. You have to want to make the change for yourself. You're not letting go. I know, I'm not letting go either. I'm a lot better, but I'm not taking meds. Maybe sleeping pills. Mornings are the worst. But you just gotta get up and get busy. If you sit and think, you are just causing a mental prison for yourself. I've been going to the gym, reading current events articles, magazines and hanging out with friends I haven't talked to for awhile. Point is: JUST STAY BUSY, and if you are doing things to improve yourself, it's like hitting two birds with one stone.
Author cecil brown Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 I try to keep telling myself I've done the best I can and that if she really loved me, she would be working with me instead of talking to someone else. It's just hard to think of her moving on after all the love we shared and all the promises of a future together. We sacraficed so much to be together, and for it not to work out is devestating. I still keep thinking she's going to come to her senses and want me back. I can't seem to break that cycle.
NorCalDave Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Hang in there Cecil, I am in the same situation. I can't believe my ex is going back to her ex. It astounds me and contradicts everything she's told me in the past. But, it's actions that matter, not words. And her actions tell me she is unstable and unhealthy. If she were healthy and stable, she would not be going back to a doomed relationship. I do hold out hope she can get her act together, but at this point, it's not looking good. It's become more of a fairy tale in my head that she'll one day wake up and realize she misses me and wants me back and deserves happiness and all that. But people don't really change, which is the scary thing. She feels more comfortable with him for her own reasons. It doesn't make my worth any less, it just means there is someone more compatible for me. I can't wait to find someone who reciprocates the love I give. If at some point she does want to come back, I hope I am at the point where I have already found someone else, because waiting on her and pining for her has brought me nothing but disappointment and we are not on this earth long enough to be disappointed all the time. It sucks, it really does. I have never loved someone like I love her, but it doesn't mean I won't love again....at this point it's her loss if she doesn't want me in her life. That's the way you have to look at it. When I let her go before, for 7-8 months, she came back to me because she saw how I had become independent and wasn't needing her to be happy. That attracted her back to me. Women love a confident, secure, independent, successful man, not a whiny, dependent, insecure guy. Just take care of you and she may find her way back to you eventually. If she doesn't, then it wasnt meant to be. So, just live and try to be happy, you and I both owe that to ourselves.
Trialbyfire Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 If you've clearly communicated how much you want to be with her and also, have shown her by your actions, not just words that you are willing and have changed, you don't have much choice in this matter. Know that you can only control yourself and not the other person. Time to focus all your energies on you and on how much you matter. Get motivated to go out as much as possible and be with friends and family who you enjoy being with. Get out of the house, start to work out or pick up a hobby such as running, cycling, baseball, soccer, something physical to keep you healthy. Take care of you.
JCD Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I felt exactly like NorCalDave did. Today, I randomly ran into a girl that blew my mind and all the thoughts about my ex that I had today, simply disappeared. It's like the invisible hold my ex had on me, got broken. Maybe I'll never meet this new girl ever again but she gave me hope that there are others out there that I'm attracted to perhaps even more so than my ex, not only in looks but personality wise as well. The only sad part is that the way I met my ex was like in a fairy tale but I realize that it's not that important as I made it out to be. So, my suggestion is to get out there, meet other women and I bet one of them will blow your mind to make your ex irrelevant. Your ex is doing the same thing by talking to other guys. So follow her lead.
Author cecil brown Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. Today was an especially rough day; lots of guilt, sadness, and crying. I'm a 30 year old man, but I'm acting like a baby. Yes is hurts like nothing else I've felt before (and I have been married/divorced), but I need to get a grip. I realize that I made a lot of mistakes, but at the same time, I've tried to make a lot of improvements. I need to quit placing blame on myself and learn to appreciate the fact that I'm trying to become a better person. And like Dave says, maybe one day she will realize I wasn't so bad and she'll find her way back to me. And if not, it wasn't meant to be. I need to better myself, overcome my low self esteem, and start living life without worry. Once I'm happy with myself, I'm sure good things will follow. These first steps are definitely the hardest.
smwhtshy Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Hey guy, I read thru the entire thread, and man I am feeling for you, and hoping you find some relief. Its very tough, I am going thru it too, and one of the things that really help (though not all the time, but try it), is to recall 2-3 really unloving things she may have done during your time together...and when the rough patches hit, try and bring those to mind..while it won't cure you by any means, it will help get you through that moment. My ex was a complainer in the sack, very subtle and passive agressive comments, that would just feel like a knife in my heart, and though she probably didn't mean them to be hurtful, they were very painful...and when I get sad or start to get torn up, I remember those words and actions and it brings me up a bit knowing I'll never have to hear them again. Also, on the crying, I was a guy who only cried at old movies, etc. and with this breakup, it seems like the slightest little thing makes me cry. My ex would make smoothies for us after we'd go for a run together, and even though I didn't even see it coming, I made a smoothie (alone, for myself) after a run last week, and God I started bawling like a little girl..just hearing the blender (like a cat hearing the can opener, and coming into the kitchen) put me back to all those memories of us doing something together, and being (what I thought) was happy together. But, I digress...my point was, I read somewhere that tears have different chemicals in them, that our body needs to rid itself of...thats why some tears feel hot, others are salty, etc. depending on what you're crying about. So, you're unloading some chemicals that are making you sad when you cry, so keep crying, don't try and stop it. Eventually, you'll get tired if it, and YES you will feel better....its cathartic... Hang in there, the day will come where you will not think about her so much, then hardly at all, and then some great new person will come into your life and you'll say, "oh, so THIS is why "x" and I broke up, so this amazing person could come into my life..." And you'll thank God man, you really will..
Trialbyfire Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 My ex was a complainer in the sack, very subtle and passive agressive comments, that would just feel like a knife in my heart, and though she probably didn't mean them to be hurtful, they were very painful... This is an experience in learning how to communicate effectively. If your ex hurts you to that extent, you must immediately ensure they know that it's hurtful, therefore unacceptable behaviour. Too many people hide hurt because of pride.
memorex1970 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Hey, Im really sorry your going through this. B U T.......................................... its completely normal and part of the grieving process. I had to really struggle not to call my ex after the 1st few weeks of breaking it off with her and not quite sure how I managed it. At the end of the day you did call her but big deal, you havent done anything wrong, your not a bad person and above all whats done is done and you cant change it. YOU WILL GET PAST ALL THIS, trust me. Whilst your holding on to what might have been(marriage ect ect)you will not move on. It doesnt matter who was at fault,relationships can only go two ways and yours went one of them. I met my present g/f just 3 weeks after splitting up with my ex and I couldnt be happier, we have a few problems but nothing that will shake us. Everything happens for a reason, if I hadnt had finished with my ex I never would have met my present girl whom Im sure is the girl I want to settle with,I never felt like this about the ex. Move on, maybe not as quick as I did, only then can you meet someone who can truely make you happy. An on/off relationship like yours will never work...never. All the best Nick
smwhtshy Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Trial by Fire, you are correct, I should have been upfront at the time about the way her comments hurt me. Looking back, I think it was her way of avoiding physical interaction with me, without just saying "Im not in the mood" or whatever. Passive agressive I think they call it. And I was too clueless/proud maybe to call her on it right there and then. But, I wanted to offer help to cecil, and this is his thread...so, in that regard, it DID work for me to remember those awful comments when I started missing her..in fact, it almost made her repulsive for a minute or two..now, if I could just string a whole bunch of those repulsive minutes together in a row, I'd be fine...(-; Cecil, good luck, please comment on your state of mind and progress in the next few days so we know how you're doing..
Author cecil brown Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 I still feel sick to my stomach and have a hard time accepting the reality of the situation. I cried like a baby again today, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I type this. How can she be talking to someone so soon? I can't stand to think of her with someone else, but at the same time, I can't keep the thoughts out of my head. And just another thing that makes my head spin, when I was talking to her Monday, she mentioned she still has pics of us up on her website. WTF? Why keep those out there if you are trying to move on? My head is just a mess. I'm off to work now. Thanks everyone for the support.
JCD Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 You will go couple months with constant analyzing and her invading your thoughts but all that will pass with time. I suggest instead of trying to salvage the relationship while you're in this state, I would wait until you feel better and can make better decisions with your head and not your heart.
Icantletgo Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Realize that she is ready to move on because SHE IS READY TO MOVE ON. My ex is with someone now and he'll call me and say he still loves me. You can't have both in this world. it's not fair to us. it's not!!! If she wants to be w/ someone else then let her be. If she wants you back, then she wasn't ready to move on..but if she doesn't, you have to realize YOU have to move on.
Author cecil brown Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 It has definitely been a rough last couple of days. Tried to meet up with her; she said no. (I know I need to leave her alone, I'm just crazy ) Then later that day, she called me because she needed help with something. And I'll admit, I stopped what I was doing to go help her. It was good to see her, but it didn't help me one bit. I got an email later that night saying thanks, but that was about it. I'll never understand why things happen the way they do.
Author cecil brown Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 Just writing here to keep myself from contacting her.....This is tough.
randuff Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I am going through the same situation myself right now. My EX-fiance and I split up on 4/27/07 and I have talked to her at least once every day since then until TODAY!!! As a matter of fact this is the first day in nearly 4 years that we will not speak or text one another. I sit with LS open on my computer at work all day to read other people's stories to make me feel a little more secure with myself and what I am going through. Trust me I hate every minute I am awake because I think of her. I check her myspace page several times a day to see if she has changed "In a relationship" to "single" (which she hasn't) It is ridiculous the yearning that we have for them but in the long run I realize that I WILL be fine and things are this way for a REASON. I too have been married and divorced (you don't even wanna know what that b**ch put me through) but am having a harder time with this relationship or now lack thereof. I know you love your girl as I do mine and we think that life just sucks b**ls without them but I promise in time we will look back at this and chalk one up for life lessons. I am a whole lot better at telling someone what I think would be best but it sure is hard to take my own advice. Do what I did. Take a step back and read some posts and ask yourself- If this were my friend what would I tell them to do to help them through this? Now look at your post and do the same.... It wasn't until I took a step back that I realized to just let it go. Nothing we do is going to change their minds or influence it. Only they can control what they are going to do. No matter how much you try to reassure them you are the right one and you are the best thing for them, THEY have to make that decision. Anyways thats my 2 cents... I am in the same boat bro so message me anytime if you need to chat with someone. I know how hard it is! -Randall
Author cecil brown Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 Randall, Thanks for the response. It just sucks that she would tell me she's moving on and that I can't see her, only to call me later when she needs something. She knows I would do anything for her and she can count on me, so why can't she be with me? Why isn't that good enough? Her calling and asking for help messes with my mind and gives me hope that she still cares. I can't move on when I still think there is a chance.
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