ringside Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 My ex and I have been broken up for over a month. We were in a bit of a complicated situation, but essentially it was your standard issue "still have feelings for each other but can see no way out" kind of deal. We're both in university right now and when we broke up it was about five weeks before our exams. He knows that I'm ruled by my emotions and that I'd be adversely affected by such unsavoury emotional entanglements, so he said, Let's not talk to each other for now and wait until our exams are over. I thought, okay, that's a good idea. During that time though I called him twice, once when I kind of irrationally flipped out about something quite stupid - that was less than a week after we broke up. The second time was a week later, when I had an A- for an assignment and I felt like I had to tell him because otherwise it didn't feel real, it didn't feel meaningful, I couldn't really care. And so I called him, we had an okay-to-decent conversation, steered clear of all the sensitive issues, stuck to safe topics. It was almost like a normal conversation, except I was aware of the feelings I still had for him, which of course I kept to myself. That was April 5. I was more or less okay about everything after that conversation. I was hopeful and optimistic about possibly being friends with him in the future, I felt like I could deal with him without going into Weepy Mode, I thought I was really moving along. Then for some inexplicable reason, less than a week later, that immense sense of loss hit me all over again and I was back to feeling like I couldn't deal with him. I saw him in school once and he was nice to me but forcing myself to smile back at him was incredibly difficult. But of course, I didn't tell him that. Throughout the entire exam period I thought I was getting better, once again. The exams distracted me, gave me something to do besides obsessing over him and everything that happened between us. I still thought about it when my mind wasn't occupied on studying (like, you know, when I'm eating or showering, whatever) but I was able to rationalise things and for once I felt like I couldn't be with him anytime soon, that I didn't even want to be with him at the moment. And so everything was all well and good, until the night before my last paper when I inexplicably started crying again. That was last Friday. I went out for drinks with my uni friends at night and the alcohol made me all emotional and I started missing him all over again. The weepy feeling persisted all through the weekend, until yesterday when I started my internship. I felt better at the end of the day, even better at the end of the night after hanging out with a friend and two of his friends. Then I came home, charged my cell, and found a text message from my ex waiting for me. It was innocuous enough, the standard, seemingly harmless "how have you been". But he called me "babe". We knew each other briefly before we got together and the first time he ever called me that was a couple of days after we got together. And throughout our relationship I thought it was something special, territorial (for want of a better word), and so when I saw that word in his text message last night I thought his message meant more than what it expressly said. Against all rationality and logic and good sense, I stupidly got my hopes up. I spent my entire night analysing his text message, wondering what he wanted, what he MEANT. When I texted him back it was past 2 and he was already asleep so he replied the next day. I didn't know how to subtly ask him why he called me 'babe', so I just asked him straight. And he said (paraphrased), "I use that word when I text/email girls all the time. Sorry to disappoint you. :)" And just like that, he shoved me back a few more steps. I texted him back, saying that it messed with my head, that maybe it should've occurred to him that I'd been struggling to get over him. He apologised, said that he just wanted to check up on me, said that maybe he was insensitive, added something about 'enjoy your holidays'. That would've been that, except I was feeling REALLY FREAKING EMOTIONAL. It was like my bubble was burst all over again. So I called him without knowing what I really wanted to say and like the case always is when I try to communicate when all emotional and distraught, I wasn't really very coherent. I told him to stop messing with my head, to stop hurting me, stop contacting me; that the past few days were really tough for me, that I'd been crying, and that "you just don't call your ex 'babe'". In brief, he said that he thought I said that we could talk (I did), that he thought I was over it, and that he didn't mean to mess with my head. He didn't think much of the 'babe' thing because it was his habit - which I didn't know about at all. I was honestly under the impression that he called me 'babe' only because we got together and therefore was his girlfriend, hence the term of affection. I was also honestly under the impression that he knew me well enough to know that I would probably misinterpret it. He used to be the only person in the world that truly knew me; he knew me even better than I knew myself. I pegged so much meaning to that stupid word because I vividly and distinctly remember the first time he ever called me that, and like I said, it was a few days after we got together. And throughout our relationship he continued doing so. And so obviously to me, he had absolutely NO locus standi whatsoever to call me 'babe' after we'd broken up for more than a month. It'd be like me calling him 'boyfriend' like I used to when talking to him now. And so when he texted "hey babe", it brought everything back - the memories, the feelings, the hope. And yet, on the other hand, I know that from his point of view I overreacted. Ever since April 5, I never made any indication to him whatsoever that I couldn't deal with him, that I couldn't talk to him. We had one decent conversation and that was our last conversation prior to today, and therefore the only gauge he had against which to judge how I feel towards him and the possibility of us talking again. Also, I told him quite clearly when we broke up that he could still talk to me whenever he wanted and that I still wanted us to be able to talk. I know that he didn't intend to mess with my head, and that he honestly didn't know that his text message would affect me this much. But I still think that he could've been more sensitive, more thoughtful. In fact, I think he was incredibly thoughtless and it reminded me of why we broke up in the first place. He doesn't seem to ever consider the kind of impact his actions would have on me - not even when we were together (which was partly why we broke up). I appreciate that he thought of checking up on me, I really do; but if he'd simply said "hey", I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I would've told him that I couldn't deal with any contact with him right now, but I wouldn't have been almost crying over the phone and coming across as a complete psycho. Over the weekend, especially that Friday night when I was tipsy, I wanted so badly to call him just to talk to him. But I knew that if I'd called, all I would've said was, "I miss you." Which wouldn't have been very productive, which would only serve to mess with HIS head and I didn't want to do that. And so I didn't call. And so I made a conscious decision not to call at all for the rest of the month and see if I could deal with it rationally in June. I banked on him not contacting me at all for reasons I won't go into right now, so imagine my surprise and subsequent...I don't know, joy, elation, hope, whatever, when I saw his message and then saw that he called me "babe". I'm aware of how stupid this whole thing is. I just want some neutral third party opinion on this situation. Because he found it amusing (which only pissed me off) and I'm really hoping that I'd see the humour in the situation, like, really soon, but right now? Just...no. He did something thoughtless. I could excuse it, I could justify it, I could even understand it; but for once, I want to stop feeling like I'm some unstable, irrational, possessive clingy type of girl just because I feel hurt by something he's done. Do I have no right to feel hurt? Was I completely insane for reading too much into his text message? Also, if you were my ex, would you ever want to talk to me again? I'm just so frustrated at this whole crap. The way everything went down in my head, we'd meet up a couple of months later and I'd be this changed person - no more hysterics and histrionics, just this changed, possibly matured person who'd come to terms with everything, no more emotional baggage and holding on to the past. But no, now it's obvious I'm still the slab of mess I was over a month ago when we broke up. And I really wasn't a slab of mess before I met him and I feel indignant that I still portrayed myself as a slab of mess to him. I don't know why it still matters what he thinks of me. I apologise for the verbosity. Any input on this stupid situation (I can't see the humour but yes, I find it ridiculous) would be immensely appreciated. Thank you for reading.
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