Krytellan Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I hear about it all the time, but I just can't fathom the idea of being hung up on an ex. How does one get so lost as to not be able to move on in life without harboring some weird disruptive feelings for an ex? I guess I'm blessed, it sounds like it's not fun.
dropdeadlegs Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hey trigger, I haven't checked in in awhile myself, but was happy to see your update. My gut tells me that a man would not spend so much time with you if he weren't interested in something more than friendship and hanging out. When you hang out does he pay for things or do you go dutch, or a little of both? Maybe share expenses? I'm just curious as to whether things are playing out as "dates" in any kind of way. I think I would probably go with option 2 of those you listed, but it's hard for me to say with limited info. It's cool that you are getting to know each other in a way other than physical, though. I think that's really healthy, too, since physical stuff can sometimes (often) make me overrate the relationship. I still see good things on the horizon. When you are unsure of how to proceed, the best advice I ever got was to change/do nothing until you are SURE what is best for you. Continued luck and good wishes for you!
Mary3 Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Once again , realize you do not have this man 100%. Usually you get burned ( as I did ) when he is upset over the ex...trying to keep in communication with the ex...trying to recapture and keep in contact with the ex. Whether he * is * or isn't ....he is filled with her in his mind. I strongly recommend you quietly back away and someday find someone who has 100% to give. Even if miraculously tomorrow he says he is * ready * don't forget he wasn't ready and the reasons why ...
Author trigger Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 FINAL UPDATE: It's over. He has disappeared. Not even a call or anything on my birthday. Not sure how I will ever trust my feelings again.
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 FINAL UPDATE: It's over. He has disappeared. Not even a call or anything on my birthday. Not sure how I will ever trust my feelings again. Never get involved with someone who is still carrying a torch for someone else. How do you find out ? Spend time with that person. Is he talking about her alot ? Is he worshipping her ? Comparing her to other girls ? Calling her ? Writing her ? Seeing her ? Open your eyes and a wealth of info comes to you. Never go deep with your feelings if all they talk about is their ex....Lesson learned
Author trigger Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 No he has only talked about her once quite a while ago, doesn't talk to her doesn't see her. And I'm not a rebound either. We both made sure of that. Who knows, maybe he's off with a rebound right now, but it's not me, I tell you that. We are (were?) just friends. and LDD: Still not sure whether our hang-outs were just "hang-outs" or dates. Usually one of us pays for everything then the next time the other person pays. Last time I saw him he referring to our hang outs as a "dates" but then also used the world "friend". He always opened doors for me and that kinda crap. Gah. Damn Scorpios.
Touche Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I know I don't shut up about my "signs" but here's a classic example. You had them all laid out in front of you after the second date only. I would have kissed him goodbye and told him to call me when he's over her. Let's take a look at your very first post laying it all out. I took out all the stuff that is irrelevant and focused in on what should have been your warning signs to not date this guy further no matter how wonderful you thought he was. ( Something happened, or he found out something upsetting, about his ex at some point between our 2nd and 3rd date. This was warning number one. but on the 3rd, when we were at that "should we or shouldn't we?" moment, and after I told him that I really liked him, he sighed, pulled away and began to speak. Here's warning number two. If a man pulls away and sighs, you RUN from him. You want someone who wants you as much or MORE than you want him..not the other way around. He explained to me, very clearly, that he had thought he was over his ex, but then realized he wasn't. And he knew that if we had sex that he would've freaked out, and he didn't want to do that to me. "I'm not 100% there." he said. Now here he practically spelled it out for you. What more did you need? So that's signal number three now. He explained that he knew himself well enough to know that if he got involved with me now he would be an "absentee boyfriend" and that it wouldn't be fair to me. True, it would be unfair, and under no circumstances will I put myself in that situation, because I know first hand how much it can suck out of you. I will not be 2nd to a ghost of a memory, and I am not rebound material. Here he practically tells you that he's going to disappoint you. I mean who wants an "absentee boyfriend?" That's like having NO boyfriend. You said under "no circumstances will I put myself in that situation" but yet that's EXACTLY what you did. You already had previous warnings/signs and ignored them and put yourself in the exact situation that you said you would never put yourself in. You were, sadly, rebound material in this case. I told him again that it was okay, I smiled, I told him I understood, that I wasn't even looking for anything in the first place. And here you were neither honest with him nor with yourself. You already said you thought he was the ONE. So why did you tell him that? You sent him the wrong message there. You pretty much told him it's ok to see you at his convenience and that you weren't really serious. Not good. You set yourself up to fall. "But I had know her for years, and we were really close, and it ended really badly. I like you and I'd really like to continue to see you and hang out with you, but I don't think you should have to wait for me to figure out what my problem is. It's really up to you, though, but is it okay with you if we continue to hang out?" I think this guy is a real smooth character. Wow. And you fell for it. Here's your answer: "Of course!" I said. The date ended with a hug. Here you just said "Of course" to being his rebound. You said "of course" to assuring that you'll get hurt. That last date was 1.5 weeks ago. I have not heard from him since. No surprise there. And that's warning/sign number what now? I lost count. I feel sad that he has not attempted to contact me in so long, not even a quick "hello". A man who meets THE ONE doesn't treat his woman like this. Warning number? Like I've said I've lost count. I could wait forever for this man, I have all the patience in the world for him. I want a man that is a whole man, not half a man with a diseased heart, so however much time he needs is fine with me. I don't feel desperate or jealous in the least, but this is excruciating, and I feel so helpless and I am beginning to doubt myself. It can't be possible that he's just forgotten about me altogether, right? He's just got too much to deal with right now, right? Did he suddenly decide he lost interest in me? Are my feelings tricking me? Am I psychotic? What? What? You're not psychotic or crazy. You just chose to ignore all the signs. He practically shouted them at you. Please learn from this. In the meantime I'm still living my life and I'm pretty happy. Happier than I've ever been, actually. I may even date some other people, maybe for perspective or whatever, though it kinda feels like I'm just going through the motions. But I gotta keep on keeping on, yeah? Exactly. You should have been doing that all along..or at least after the second date with this guy. But god do I pine away for him at night. I've had severe insomnia for a month now. I hope you're not pining anymore. He's not. Why waste your energy and feelings on him? I'm sorry to say I saw this one coming which is why I previously advised you to not get your hopes up. Better luck next time. And guess what? Not getting your heart broken isn't always just about luck. Sometimes it's really preventable. Learn from this and go on. Eventually you'll meet the right guy, I'm sure.
Touche Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Sigh. Point taken. Awww, I feel bad. I really wanted to be wrong about this. Just keep your eyes wide open from now on. You'll meet him. You seem like a really sweet woman. A good man is bound to recognize that. Hang in there, ok?
Author trigger Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Don't feel bad. The truth hurts. But I prefer it to lies.
Touche Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Don't feel bad. The truth hurts. But I prefer it to lies. Thanks for saying that, Trigger. And you know we all make these kinds of mistakes. When you want to believe in someone, it's really easy to overlook the warning signs. Believe me, I know. I've overlooked plenty of them in my time. Some real doozies too! Ugh, I shudder to think about it! Well, I hope we see you on here soon telling us that you met a really good guy who is just nuts about you. In the meantime, it's good to come on here and just vent if you need to.
Author trigger Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 I am a big big fan of Dostoyevsky. Your signature in and of itself is enough of a touché (pun intended but only after I just wrote that) to my delusions. But in a certain frame of mind even that passage in itself can be distorted for convenience's sake. Ah, to be human.
Touche Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I am a big big fan of Dostoyevsky. Your signature in and of itself is enough of a touché (pun intended but only after I just wrote that) to my delusions. But in a certain frame of mind even that passage in itself can be distorted for convenience's sake. Ah, to be human. That's a great observation. Yes, I agree. The human mind is a funny thing isn't it? We can sure delude ourselves into thinking something is one way when it's really another. Or we'll think we see something there that really isn't. And you said, "in a certain frame of mind even" how the passage can be distorted for convenience's sake. Think about the frame of mind we're in when we're in love or when we're falling in love and all those chemicals/hormones kick in. It can really mess with our minds big time. Boy, this is deep. It's hurting my brain!
mental_traveller Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 No call for 1 1/2 weeks = he's just not that into you. Sorry to say it, but unless he has spent that time on a hospital bed or kidnapped by terrorists (unlikely, since he is checking myspace every single day), all the signs are that he is losing interest. At the very best, he is having doubts and backing away to think things over. Don't make the mistake of thinking his feelings have to be really strong, just because yours are. Also, remember how men are. A man is unlikely to be truly into a woman if they haven't even had sex yet. Sadly, it's possible to fall head over heels in love with someone, but not have that feeling reciprocated. In fact, he may even have noticed those feelings and been freaked out by how intense they were. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are saying that he is not wanting to pursue this relationship right now - and definitely not to the intensity you require.
Sweetcheripie Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I'm pretty new here and just read your story - you are a beautiful writer and I'm so sorry the end result wasn't what you hoped. I am definitely no expert in love but I do have experience of "pining away" and it has never worked. I ended up closing myself off for a very long time and not dating at all. Don't do that! You sound too sweet and wonderful to waste time. But I do have a little something too share - my very first pinng away experience. Years ago I had that magical connection with a guy that liked me just as a friend. We ended up becoming the best of friends and for a year I was his great friend but secretly wanted sooo much more. Time passed I ended up meeting my husband, the guy came to my wedding but after I got married we rarely saw each other. He moved to another state and had a significant other. Years later, I got divorced, he heard through friends and called me. He ended up telling me he knew how much I loved him back then, that he had loved me too but just wasn't ready to settle down. He knew I was the "marrying kind" and he wasn't ready to get married. He was a super nice guy and he didn't want to ever open that door until he was ready. Well, he has never married and spent his life never really committing to anybody. He just never seemed to grow up. Don't know if it helps but your guy sounds like he really loves your company but isn't ready to get into a relationship and he respects you enough not to go further and hurt you. He may be somewhat of a chicken - not like confrontation blah blah blah and hasn't been able to open and tell you any of his feelings. Also, he is a little selfish to monopolize your time because he enjoys your company but doesn't want to give you more. But let it go - it is definitely his problem. Be sooo proud of yourself for expressing your feelings and trying but also not wearing your heart on your sleeve and not jumping in too fast in the beginning and listening to that little voice in your gut that said to be careful. You will be so ready when the really right guy comes along!
annabelle75 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 This is one of those sitautions where I am actually disspointed that I was right in the beginning. Even though I thought his actions where telling you he was not really interested, I hoped for your sake I was misreading it. At this point you can just consider it a leasoned learned and move on. I know it may be hard to open up to another man again in the near future, trsut me when I say that there are tons of guys out there that will treat you how you deserve to be treated. You deserved so much more than this man was willing to give you. Touche - Excellent post. I think that is something we should all take to heart. I can't tell you how many times I have chosen to ignore what a guy was saying or what signs he was putting out to let me know he wasn't that into me. Then I was all shocked when things ended. I'm hoping to not makes those kind of mistakes in the future.
Touche Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 This is one of those sitautions where I am actually disspointed that I was right in the beginning. Even though I thought his actions where telling you he was not really interested, I hoped for your sake I was misreading it. At this point you can just consider it a leasoned learned and move on. I know it may be hard to open up to another man again in the near future, trsut me when I say that there are tons of guys out there that will treat you how you deserve to be treated. You deserved so much more than this man was willing to give you. Touche - Excellent post. I think that is something we should all take to heart. I can't tell you how many times I have chosen to ignore what a guy was saying or what signs he was putting out to let me know he wasn't that into me. Then I was all shocked when things ended. I'm hoping to not makes those kind of mistakes in the future. Thanks, Annabelle. That's really nice of you to say. And like I've said we've ALL ignored the obvious signs. But it's how we learn unfortunately. I made up my mind that I would not make the same mistakes in the future and I didn't. And that's when I found the right man for me. I can only wish the same for others. The key is to stop wasting time though with the wrong guys. Every minute you spend with the wrong one is a minute you're not available for the right one.
Star Gazer Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Sadly, it's possible to fall head over heels in love with someone, but not have that feeling reciprocated. In fact, he may even have noticed those feelings and been freaked out by how intense they were. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are saying that he is not wanting to pursue this relationship right now - and definitely not to the intensity you require. Damn, if I had only read that about a month ago. Trigger, I've been following your story as I have walked in similar shoes before. It's never easy, and those warning signs somehow manage to slip by me every single time. Touche is right about one thing: "Every minute you spend with the wrong one is a minute you're not available for the right one." However, I'm also of the opinion that every guy who leaves is just one less loser we risk committing ourselves to. Chin up.
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