Kamille Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I admire people who are patient when intriguing news arrives. For my part, I am a open the e-mail, rip the envelope, tear the band-aid off kind of person. I'm glad he responded promptly! Deep breath Trigger!
annabelle75 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I feel all barfy now. Hot and sweaty and shaking. He has read it, and responded, but I feel too cowardly to read it. Open it !!! now you got my stomach all in knots
Author trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 I can't. I gotta calm the hell down first. Meditate, or read, or listen to music, or play piano or really loud heavy metal on my guitar. Something centering. But you'll be the first to know.
Touche Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 The way to calm down is to have NO expectations. It might simply be a nice, polite reply back asking how you're doing. No expectations=no disappointments. Now go open the darn thing!
dropdeadlegs Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I admire people who are patient when intriguing news arrives. For my part, I am a open the e-mail, rip the envelope, tear the band-aid off kind of person. I'm glad he responded promptly! Deep breath Trigger! Me, too, Kamille. How does one NOT open it immediately? I'm so impatient at times. I actually think I'm gonna $hit from the excitement.
Author trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 Okay. Finally read it just now. He apologized for being flaky, said the move was depressing and tied him up. Then he said that yes, he feels we do have a lot in common, and should hang out more often. And to not be put off if he seems "aloof", because it takes him a "long time to feel very comfortable around anyone". Then invited me to go to a mausoleum with him on Sunday.
Kamille Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Okay. Finally read it just now. He apologized for being flaky, said the move was depressing and tied him up. Then he said that yes, he feels we do have a lot in common, and should hang out more often. And to not be put off if he seems "aloof", because it takes him a "long time to feel very comfortable around anyone". Then invited me to go to a mausoleum with him on Sunday. Nice. I have a good feeling about this one! But then, I am definitely not a fortune teller.
annabelle75 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Okay. Then invited me to go to a mausoleum with him on Sunday. hmmmmm ..... very interesting. He gave you just enough to not walk away completely, but we're not exactly doing cartwheels over his enthusiasm. With some patience, things might work out but its still hard to tell. Accept the invitation (of course) and see how he acts on Sunday. The fact that he wants to see you opening up to him in the email is a good sign.
Touche Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 But I'm getting the feeling that you've been put in the "friend zone." I mean why didn't he at least say hi and see how you were doing all the times he was on line? Sorry to be negative, but I hate to see you get your hopes up for nothing (if I'm right on my hunch and I really hope I'm not though.)
Kamille Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 To Touché's comment I would add this: you are the one who has her balance right now and you are the one who is offering him a great opportunity. If he offers scraps, say no thanks, I believe I deserve more. That's what I wish I had done.
Author trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 I prefer to get my hopes neither up nor down right now, and just take it as it goes. Despite my dramatic demeanor and deep feelings, I do not desire to rush anything at all. I've made that mistake before; what's the point of that? I don't expect anything from him, especially right now. I just wanted to let him know that I care, in case he wasn't aware. I do not desire to try to start something serious with someone who may only be 50-95% there right now. I know well enough that that is a recipe for disaster and burn-out, and tends to destroy the sense of self. 100% is all I'm going to accept if this does at some point become a "relationship". But right now it is not one. The "friends zone" is okay with me right now, and probably the healthiest way to proceed. Just taking it easy, and very very slowly. Not just for his sake, but for mine as well.
Touche Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Well I'd say that's a very healthy attitude. I really hope this goes your way!
dropdeadlegs Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Okay. Finally read it just now. He apologized for being flaky, said the move was depressing and tied him up. Then he said that yes, he feels we do have a lot in common, and should hang out more often. And to not be put off if he seems "aloof", because it takes him a "long time to feel very comfortable around anyone". Then invited me to go to a mausoleum with him on Sunday. As the resident optimist, asking to spend time with you is nothing short of great! If he wasn't that into you, he wouldn't want to spend time with you. I don't buy that this man is looking for a female friend. He feels something for you, but is afraid to pursue anything yet. As you say, he's not 100% and doesn't want to lead you to believe that he is. Now, a mausoleum? Isn't that the burial plots inside a building at the cemetery? I'm sorry, but we don't have any mausoleums of historical value in my area, so it seemed odd to me. I prefer to get my hopes neither up nor down right now, and just take it as it goes. Despite my dramatic demeanor and deep feelings, I do not desire to rush anything at all. I've made that mistake before; what's the point of that? I don't expect anything from him, especially right now. I just wanted to let him know that I care, in case he wasn't aware. I do not desire to try to start something serious with someone who may only be 50-95% there right now. I know well enough that that is a recipe for disaster and burn-out, and tends to destroy the sense of self. 100% is all I'm going to accept if this does at some point become a "relationship". But right now it is not one. The "friends zone" is okay with me right now, and probably the healthiest way to proceed. Just taking it easy, and very very slowly. Not just for his sake, but for mine as well. You have the perfect attitude, and before you had posted that I was going to say some of the same things. Still, I believe that choosing to spend time with you is a positive sign. I'm sure he already has enough friends. I don't spend time with new men, one on one, with the intent of them becoming my friend. I say he is truly interested in you in a romantic way, or at least he still thinks there is potential for that. Thanks for the update, I look forward to more as things progress. (I still have my fingers crossed, and I tend to have good or bad "feelings" about things and I have good feelings here. My "feelings" are often right.)
Author trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 Hah, yeah, let me explain the mausoleum thing a little bit. We had talked about going a couple weeks ago. That's just the sorta thing both of us like. (We are both recovered "goths" if that clears anything up.) Apparently it's huge and creepy and run-down and all that good stuff. LDD, I'd really like to thank you for inspiring me to have the courage to take some initiative. If I hadn't have posted here, I probably would have just dropped the whole thing. And Kamille, I would like to thank you, too, for being the flip side of that coin, thus tempering me a little. Your heartbreak may turn out to be my saving grace. (Or my precedent, who can say?) The input from both of you has been invaluable. I will keep you updated.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Whatever you do, absolutely do NOT sleep with him until he is fully committed to you as his girlfriend.
Author trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 Thank you...that's already my plan! My head would be all sortsa messed up if I did that.
Mary3 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I think if you could reach deep inside his mind, you would see a man filled with pain who's girlfriend broke up with him and he has to deal with the fact that she is now seeing someone else. I know you realize this but I don't think he is thinking as hard about you as you are of him. Prime example of the Rebound .... I think we are all wise to ask that person we are interested in ( during beginning conversations ) if they have any feelings for their exes.... Saves us alot of pain when trying to get involved with someone with whom we have just met who is not ready for anything serious yet.
Author trigger Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Well this is total agony. Had a good time on Sunday, spent all day together, it was nice. But he is certainly doing his very best to keep me at arms length. He doesn't seem to take anything I say or write to him as sincere attempts to reach out to him as a friend. It's bizarre. I'm going to have to step off. I still have the same certainty about him as "the one" as always, but I'm gonna have to distance myself a bit, or try to pretend he doesn't exist (but whoever can really do that I give the Robot Android award of the year), or whatever. Sometimes I just want to slap him and say, "ARE YOU A TOTAL IDIOT?!?! CAN'T YOU SEE?!?!?!" but I also know what he is dealing with and he needs to do that in his own time. I expect nothing from him. I don't wanna see him for a while. This sucks. I just quit smoking 3 days ago, too, so I REALLY want to punch things right now. I dunno, maybe I was just wrong about everything and am crazy in the head.
SadandConfusedWA Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I hate to be negative, but in my experience, anything that wasn't a straight forward yes was in fact a no. Those types of unclear situations rarely, if ever work out (DDL being an exception).
Kamille Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Well this is total agony. Had a good time on Sunday, spent all day together, it was nice. But he is certainly doing his very best to keep me at arms length. He doesn't seem to take anything I say or write to him as sincere attempts to reach out to him as a friend. It's bizarre. I'm going to have to step off. I still have the same certainty about him as "the one" as always, but I'm gonna have to distance myself a bit, or try to pretend he doesn't exist (but whoever can really do that I give the Robot Android award of the year), or whatever. Sometimes I just want to slap him and say, "ARE YOU A TOTAL IDIOT?!?! CAN'T YOU SEE?!?!?!" but I also know what he is dealing with and he needs to do that in his own time. I expect nothing from him. I don't wanna see him for a while. This sucks. I just quit smoking 3 days ago, too, so I REALLY want to punch things right now. I dunno, maybe I was just wrong about everything and am crazy in the head. Again, I could have written the exact same message. First, no you are not crazy in the head. Believe me, the IDIOT hypothesis is more like it. Of course it's more nuanced then that. He is aware that there is a potentially magical and strong connection. He knows honey. But right now, he is incapable of being there with you, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. So no you are not crazy and yes circumstances in his life right now are making it so that he is acting like an idiot. So you're right. You need to stop trying to convince him that you are sincere. He has to do that work himself, and you taking responsiblity for it is likely only weakening you, and jeopardizing the potential that a relationship could develop. Try to avoid letting his heartbreak weaken your positive energy. Distancing yourself is a good idea. big hug K
Author trigger Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Thank you Kamille, your post made me feel better. I do feel myself weakening and getting that insane feeling and I don't like it. Cuz that's usually when I do stupid stuff.
Kamille Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Remember that there are fairy tale endings to this story. But that doesn't make it easy right? you have faith that if it is meant to be then it will happen, and let it go. the way I see it, I might have gotten a second chance if I had been able to let it go (by now I am fine with not getting the second chance). I kept trying to figure out what I could do. And what he was thinking. I didn't want him to forget about me, so I would write to him when I shouldn't have. In other words, I freaked out. Please believe in yourself enough not to do this. K
dropdeadlegs Posted May 15, 2007 Posted May 15, 2007 I also think he feels some kind of special connection but is simply not in the right mind yet to totally give in to it because he is still caught up in the mindf*** of the last girl. It seems he should let go of the past but isn't ready yet. Some people hang on for a long time. I have an uncanny ability to grieve quickly and when I'm done, well, I'm done. I can wrap up in 3-4 months, but the first two are pretty drastic. I can barely function initially, but because I really let my emotions out without much reign, I come back even stronger and smarter than before. If you need to step back to protect yourself, by all means do so. I had to step back myself and when we did converse it was just chit chat, nothing about feelings and such after I made sure he knew how I felt. If you get your happy ending, please let us know!
Author trigger Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 UPDATE: So, it's been near 3 months now. We are still hanging out about once a week or so. No kissing or anything like that. It's really nice and actually refreshing getting to know him as friends, and I like spending time with him. It's clear he likes me in some way, since he keeps asking to hang out and drives way out of the way to pick me up each time. Now it's more that I like him in a more real way than just the initial "OMG this is IT" feeling. I think that's healthy. He has invited me to go to Cuba with him on 2 separate occasions, whatever that means. I have not said to him that I like him immensely and am attracted to him and want to jump him or anything like that. At all. At this point I am pretty conflicted on how to proceed, but I feel it's time to do SOMETHING before I get more attached than I already am. I am of 3 minds: 1. Keep on hanging out as friends indefinitely, even though I come home frustrated because I REALLY want to kiss him. Though I also always have that feeling of "it's so nice just getting to know him as friends" as well and it makes me smile. Let him proceed at his own pace, taking the risk that this may proceed nowhere and I'll end up getting hurt. Convince myself that I really have other things in my life I need to be sorting out anyway before trying to get into a relationship. But I don't know if I'm merely some sorta "placeholder" for him, or whatever. Or if he's just keeping me around "just in case"? Ugh. 2. Start making subtle moves -- touching him, holding his hand, little things like that. Easing into something more, I suppose. All natural-like. 3. Tell him flat out and in no uncertain terms that I think he's fantastic and that I find him extremely attractive and want to kiss him and stuff and then ask him where his mind is at. And be prepared to be rejected and stop seeing him, leaving the option open for him to call me if he decides he wants something more than friends. All 3 choices are terrifying to me, but right now I don't know what the hell is going on.
Lucky555 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 When I consider the 3 months of uncertainty compared to the nearly 2.5 years of happiness, I wouldn't hesitate to cry the same tears all over again to achieve the wonderful outcome. It was all worth it. Did he contact you to have a relationship? This story sounds like maybe it could be mine, except that nothing is happening right now
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