Question for rebounders

[KaneNAbel]

Okay, I know most people on this site usually are the ones who are hurt. But since I just been through my first rebound situation, I was wondering if someone could shed some light on how the rebounder feels about the reboundee.

 

Here's a summary of the situation. Girl breaks up with guy after 3.5 years but she was totally in love with him. Reasons for breakup are due to cheating on the part of the guy and the girl is a self proclaimed commitment phobe. A month and a half later, meets another guy (me) and hits it off big time. 3 months of mostly bliss (girl still had a lot of baggage with her ex but we had an awesome relationship otherwise) later girl decides to break it off with new guy even though she says it will hurt her as well and feels bad. At the point of the break, she has already begun forgiving the ex because he show true remorse and made changes in his life. She did not give up contact with the ex throughout these three months.

 

I didn't ask for details during the breakup because I knew it would be a dragged out conversation in circles. I also asked for NC. I don't plan on contacting, but I'm just kinda curious how the rebounder feels in this situation especially since they have an ex that they loved a lot to go back to.

 

I would greatly appreciate if anyone (girls and guys) could describe how they felt and what they thought of the reboundee after the break up. Just looking for insight without calling the person and going through details.

[KaneNAbel]

So no one has ever been on the rebounder side that would like to shed a little light? I'm just curious if she misses me at all or if she just felt bad out of guilt but is relieved that she washed her hands of me...that's all.

[upsetnhurt]

I think your last post hit the point. She certainly feels guilty I am sure for having led you on and knows that you are hurting through her actions......She also is so happy to be free to do whatever she chooses which appears to be resolving any issues she may have with her ex. He clearly was her priority all throughout your friendshio and unfortunately she is focusing all of his attention on him now. Think about it....she obviously does not care for you in a loving way if she still had contact with him after....why would that change now when you are apart?

[KaneNAbel]

Any more insight?

[KaneNAbel]

Any more insight from other people?

[PoshPrincess]

V interesting thread Kane. I would like to hear more about how you (and others) in your situation feel as at the moment I am in a rebound R, but being the reboundER - if you know what I mean. I am still madly in love with my ex and there was never 'closure'. I always got that 'we will be together one day' kind of thing from him.

 

As for the guy I am seeing now, he is unbelievable. Treats me like a princess, etc. At the end of the day I still love the ex. I know this sounds harsh and really unfair but I was at breaking point last year. I was in counselling, taking anti-depressants, etc and my new man was SO supportive. He helped me to get over ex in a way (although not totally of course!) So, he DOES know the score apart from the love bit. Maybe I should've started my own thread instead of hi-jacking yours but would like your opinion. I KNOW I am being unfair on my new man but I am scared that if I end things with him I will fall to pieces. I just can't see a future for us.

[Touche]

Upsetnhurt got it right, IMO.

 

I guess you could call me a "rebounder" since three days after separating from my ex-husband, I met my current husband. I never looked back. I knew I met the "one" and never looked for "closure" or anythiing else from him (the ex.) I wouldn't have dreamed of hurting my new man that way.

 

The fact that she never gave up contact with the ex should have been your first clue that she wasn't letting go.

 

Sorry, this happened to you. I hope you have learned to recognize the signs and the difference between a bad rebound situation and when it's the real deal.

[KaneNAbel]

Posh,

 

I would love to explore your situation better to compare notes, but can I know a little more about your situation? How did you and your ex break up? Why and who broke up with whom? How did you meet your new man? And why don't you see a future with him?

[Touche]

Posh,

 

I would love to explore your situation better to compare notes, but can I know a little more about your situation? How did you and your ex break up? Why and who broke up with whom? How did you meet your new man? And why don't you see a future with him?

 

No offense to Posh, but I'd bet ANYTHING that this is a matter of immaturity. Girls like drama (hey, I was once one of those) but women are through with all of that. Girls toss "nice guys" away and pine for the trouble-makers. Women know to appreciate a good guy who comes with NO drama.

 

What Posh is doing to this nice new guy is the same thing your ex did to you...using him for her emotional support until she gets back again with the ex. It's sad because one day these girls will wake up (when they're women) and see what they tossed aside so casually...but then it will be too late.

[KaneNAbel]

Touche,

 

I'm happy it worked out for you. I'm not sure why you were over the prior relationship, but there may have been different reasons. Also, I was never in that situation before, but she did offer to stop contacting him early on. I might have made a mistake by saying "no, if we're going to work out, it needs to happen naturally". But what's to say if I did say, yes, don't contact him and then we get married and 3 years down the line she never had closure and all the sudden decides that she misses him and we have a crappy marriage for the next few years and it ends in an ugly divorce? I'm and idealist, so I'm glad she didn't string me along once she knew that she couldn't give herself fully to me at the moment. Life's too short.

 

Thanks for the insight.

[Touche]

Well, you were right to tell her to do what she has to do as far as the contact thing with her ex..BUT the minute she made the decision to keep contacting him , that's when you should have told her that you will back off and that she can contact you when she's had her "closure." That was your mistake in my opinion. Instead you gave her carte blanche to have her cake and eat it too and now you are the one who got burned.

 

Are you saying you've learned nothing from this and that if you had it to do over again, you would have handled this the same way?

[KaneNAbel]

Touche,

 

I definitely learned tons from this situation. I agree with you on how I handled it wrong. Live and learn I guess. I just wish I learned earlier because this girl and I were compatible in every sense of the word. To an extent I agree with her when she said "I have this perfect man in front of me, but the timing just ****ing sucks".

 

Not only did I learn about how to handle a situation like this in the future, but I also learned a lot of things about myself emotionally, good and bad. It was good that it happened, but like I said, I wished it happened a long time ago. So the outcome may have been different.

[Touche]

It stinks that you have to go through this. And that's just SUCH a copout on her part. So she's giving up the "perfect man" because of "timing?" Yeah, right...more like she just craves the drama...sheesh, she's got a lot of growing up to do.

 

I suspect she will come crawling back to you before you know it. What will you do if that happens?

[WhiteKnight]

In my opinion, due to many reasons that I felt like a rebound and so far. I would rather just move on with life and stay NC for awhile.

 

As harsh as it sounds, if you are still thinking over your ex and wondering what's happening to her. Clearly you are not fully over her yet.

 

If your ex comes crawling back to you despite making you jealous, hurt, angry, used you, fling, lied etc.. I say its not worth the aggrovation.

 

I had one of my ex's crawling back to me in a way, I just blocked her off yesterday and will remain NC for awhile. The decision I made was that I had to be firm and be sure of the reasons that I wanted to recuperate and feel a lot better than experiencing a depression on something that you either can not fix or have.

 

If I was in your shoes KaneNAbel... I would not allow your ex to try and manipulate you again. An ex trying to use her old ex for something, or using the friendship is a sign of that you have clearly opened the doors and there would be a lot of awkwardness.

 

Question though, did you leave your ex or did she leave you? Think back for a moment, if she left you... what do you see from her point of view and what do you truly want for friendship wise?

 

Then think again, if your ex wants a friendship and you do. That I would call it as 'rehealing the friendship'. However, if your ex wants to satisfy her needs and not what you truly want, then you have a conflict on your hands. Try not to get yourself into the position of letting your ex push the friendship quite far, including getting your contact details etc. If she is coming onto you oddly or hard on you... do your best to back off a little and observe what her intensions truly are.

 

In some ways, for an EX. They need a good friend to talk to, and that would be you of course. However, if two Ex's had fought and argued many times, the friendship between you and her would either end up being the same way or both of you had lost respect for each other. I know I did with my latest ex but she wants me to trust her, and of course 'TRUST' in the person does not work out for some people, I just don't believe what my EX says anymore except just do my best to either nod or smile, or sometimes laugh to make her comfortable.

 

Those are my thoughts...

[oppath]

Oh boy would I do things differently with my ex! She wouldn't tell her ex about me despite telling me she loved me. She didn't want to hurt his feelings. They remained in frequent contact. I told her I felt disrespected by it. I'll never be in that situation again because a healthy rebound situation would be "I have a new boyfriend, I don't think we should be in contact because I want to see where it goes with him."

 

Plus, I received the same BS copout drama. "I feel like I am giving up the most amazing relationship of my life." It is SELFISH and CRUEL to say stuff like that to the person being dumped. How about "I don't feel we are right for each other. I'm sorry for leading you on."

 

sometimes the next person you date after a LTR is just the next person you date. There are signs, however, if it is a healthy rebound experience. The new bf must come before the ex boyfriend.

[KaneNAbel]

Touche,

 

To answer you first: Okay, in this situation, I will say that she was definitely not ready to jump into anything after one month. As for me, I let it happen to fast as well. If she were to come back, which is doubtful, because she’s stubborn that way, I really can’t tell you what I’d do. In theory, after I healed a bit, I would really look deep down and see if I would want to go back, since I felt we never really got off the ground in the first place. You see, I’m still confused on why she actually broke things off…part of me thinks that she knew I was starting to resent her for what she was doing and wanted to walk away before I began to hate her and there never would be any potential in our situation. After a few serious talks near the end, she kept on saying that I made it sound so easy to walk away or it seemed like we were both ready to walk away and we were just waiting for the other person to actually do it

 

Also, you have to realize that she was leaving in another few months she was leaving for 5 years in a school program. Apart from the ex situation, we had conversations that the LDR thing might have really sucked and even after a month (if we did stay together) we might have realized that. She also mentioned that it’s not that she didn’t want to be in a relationship just so she could date someone local, but she didn’t want the relationship to consume her while in her rigorous program.

 

I don’t know, I sound like I keep on defending her. I’m just till confused about the breakup. Maybe I should have asked questions or reasons…I just didn’t want to get in a four hour conversation that went in circles especially if we were both emotional, it could’ve gotten ugly. But I just don’t know why she would tell me that she didn’t deserve me saying “I love you” or my tears (yes, I cried for a moment). She then decided to tell me about how she cheated on a lot of her ex’s and again, I don’t know why she would dump all this information on me. In an emotional state, I said “just tell me you can’t ever love me, and I’ll let you go forever”…she broke down and cried saying she can’t say that but she can’t love me right now.

 

I don’t know why she would tell me that she’s going to be hurt too. I don't know why she would say something like "It's just going to be like our lives before we started dating right?" I don’t know why she would tell me that she’s not going to talk about me like she did all the other guys. I’m just really confused.

 

Would it be worth it to see if I could meet up with her before she leaves if I feel I’m ready so emotion won’t be such a big part of it and get full closure and get my answers? I know that if I do this, I may be closing any door of any chance ever, but at least I will know even if the answer may hurt.

 

PS: Sorry for the long reply. Whiteknight and oppath, thanks for your input as well. I definitely will not make this mistake again.

[WhiteKnight]

Hey KaneNAbel

 

That was a long post and I truly understood on what you were going through. I had a similiar situation like you before but it was rather different on how my EX was acting throughout the time, however in some ways its best to just for you to stay away.

 

Here, I'll share my experience with you and everyone else here. This is what I did in the end.

 

My EX was giving me the impression... "Please don't let me go entirely..."

 

And unfortunately when I had moved on with my new partner, my EX was truly devastated. I could tell, and I felt sorry about it at first except I wanted her to see that... I want to improve my life and give myself another chance of making something good happen. Not repeating the past.

 

My EX, she was my fiancee at the time... and I loved her and she loved me too. But when my EX had her and my friend involved as well but they broke up too and stayed as friends. When she broke up with me and my friend, she told us both that she was cheating on the husband the whole time.

 

Yea I know, I had my share of pain and grief for 10months.

 

I managed to pull myself together now, and I'm with my new partner... but as soon as my EX heard that I had gotten another gf. She went all nuts about it, trying to bring me back and I was like... "You wanted the friendship... but is there something you are not telling me?"

 

But she never spoke about it. Never, told me how she truly felt but... how she truly told me was on MSN with her status asking me not to "Let go of her..." That was so hard for me to do...

 

Then a few days later, I soon realised I am better without her. I don't want to be attached to a woman who is still married, had a fling with me and used my friendship with her that developed into a relationship by mistake. I learnt my lesson and after I had betrayed her in a sense of telling the husband she also did it with another person at one stage... things got hectic but she came back still married to the same guy and tried to be friends with me again.

 

After all that, I just cut all ties with her in the end. I could not really forget on what she did to me but even if I were to see her in person... I just would act civil and no more.

 

Maybe one day a friendship would really work out but, she has been pushing herself too much on me lately and when I backed off... by blocking her, I think she would truly know that I don't want to be hurt again. And if a friendship were to succeed, well... only time can tell.

 

Overall KaneNAbel and everyone else, I was sad to do it but in many ways we all learn from our mistakes and move on with life as it should be.

 

Good luck with your decision KaneNAbel, hope you make the right choice.

[upsetnhurt]

Kane,

 

When it comes down to it you need to realize that your ex did not respect you in this situation. She knows that staying in contact with the ex is bad and was hurting any chances to solidify things with you, yet she chose to continue keeping the lines of comminication open with him. That is her choice and her right, yet you need to step back and realize that she does not appreciate you the way a gf should and would. In terms of her coming back, who knows if she will yet if she is kind she will let you find someone to be happy with. These are her problems at the moment and she has to be mature enough to deal with them on her own. You very well may have been one of the greatest guys she has ever met, but let me tell you that you are not the greatest at the moment, her ex is and will remain there until she takes him off that pedestal. That does not take a short time, probably years I bet. No need to wait here as you will always feel like second best to him. You will never trust her again in the same way. Truth be told, as much as you think this did not happen, with the way she feels at the moment, I have no doubt she was sleeping with him at the same time as seeing you..............