gourmetbean Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 I'll try to make this short and sweet. Met this great guy about 9 months ago after being separated from my husband only about 3 weeks. The marriage was unhealthy for years before the decision was made, it was fairly mutual and we parted ways on a happy note. We have one 13 year old son together and live about 5 mins. apart. Well I instantly fell head over heels for this wonderful, kind, affectionate guy who was also recently separated (3 months) from his high school sweetheart. She had cheated on him a number of times throughout their marriage. He moved into my house about 4 months ago and everything has been going great (he works afternoon shift) . I found out recently his ex has been having regrets but realizes they can't go back. I think I might still love my husband but I can tell there is no going back for us either.. So here we are. I finally agreed to meet his parents this weekend and everything went fine - this was important to him. He recently asked his son to come and live with us (after discussing this with me) and we'll find out this weekend what his decision is. I couldn't say no, I don't want him to resent me but I'm scared as hell, my son lives with us one week on/one week off and I'm happy with our current arrangement. It gives me a little bit of freedom too. I don't know if I'm ready for this big step and I'm afraid if the boy moves in I might change my mind. I feel like I'm caught in a wave and I can't stop it, I love this guy to death but I'm feeling recently that we should just end this now before it gets way out of hand.
mammax3 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Yikes. I'd talk to him about it. Both of you are fresh from separations, and are adjusting to a lot of different situations. Does his boy need to move in? Does he have a safe place to live right now? It's okay that you said one thing and now have thought it out and now want to discuss it with him. If you love this guy, I don't think that you need to end the relationship. You've got a unique opportunity to begin an open line of communication with him, and if you swallow this one, you'll soon quickly start to resent the relationship. Good luck.
Sheba Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 I am surprised that you have entered into a relationship with a man who has a child but did not expect that child to be part of the relationship. If I were that man's friend, gourmetbean, I would tell him to leave you. Love him, love his child. If you cannot, move on.
Author gourmetbean Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 I'm surprised at myself too, I'm not looking for excuses but coming out of a 13 year marriage I didn't know what to expect on the other side. I'm making mistakes. The boy lives with his younger sister - they visit every other weekend. We're still just getting to know eachother. My son gets along well with him and being an only child himself is very excited at the prospect of having a "brother". However, I've heard splitting up siblings is not a good idea in the long term?? I don't want to come between him and his son, the offer is already on the table. Maybe I should let him go as painful as it is before I do anymore damage.
Sheba Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 You seem like a thoughtful woman, gourmetbean. I don't mean to sound unkind. I think your notion that splitting the siblings is "wrong" may be at least partly self-serving though of course I don't know what is right for those children. I do wonder why both of his children do not live with him part time. I am sure he loves his daughter as much as his son. I don't understand of this idea of dividing the family on gender lines. Ideally, both of his kids would do as your son does, and go back and forth between parents on a weekly schedule. However, I can tell you that teenagers of divorced parents tend to be somewhat mobile, if allowed. You may find both live with you part time at times, not at all at times, full time at times. The children would rightfully think of their father's home as their home. Can you tolerate that? If not, please reconsider your relationship. Nothing would build resentment like getting between a parent and their child. Just imagine how you would feel if your son was not welcome to live with you and your partner. What would YOU do?
quiet1one1 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Gourmetbean, your aprehension is understandable and normal BUT why end the whole relationship before you even know how it goes? You say you love this man dearly? Sounds like he's given you and your child a chance? I say give it a chance. *Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.*
sumdude Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Two things you wrote hit me. 1. Title "How do I stop this?" 2. "I couldn't say no." So I get the impression you wanted to say no and you don't want this to happen. If that is the case you need to approach your man again and tell him you're having second thoughts about this situation. If you don't face this now you'll only have more problems later and more people could get hurt in the process. This is how good relationships go bad. Not resolving issues before they grow larger. Otherwise go with it and make it work. You'll have no right to resentment because you agreed to it.
LakesideDream Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Why are all the posters/reply's ignoring the statement that Gourmet made.. that she "thinks" she might still love her husband, and that her BF's ex is having regrets, but both "know" that there is no going back. Why is there no going back? The best situation for the children of boths sides is to live in an enviorment where they live with both of their natural parents. If the parents are "having regrets" and questioning their respective decisions, changes may be on the horizon. Have we all become so "pro lust" here that we have decided to totally ignore minor children? Both the OP and her BF made the mistake of jumping into new sexual relationships immediately upon breaking up. When did this become a good idea? I am willing to consider the possibility that both "take a break" for awhile. The OP might be well served by getting her own place to live (or staying in the home she is in, living with her son) with the same being true for her BF. Both need to make decisions that are best for their children first, then good for them, IMO. The possibility of both reconciling their previous relationships is there. If that doesen't happen, they will benefit from the alone time. If they are still "In Love" in a year, then give it a go.
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