Guest Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years. On our second anniversary, and later, she admits partially because of pressure from me, she proposed to me. I didn't know this at the time and was thrilled. When we started dating we were both looking for the same thing. A long-term relationship and, if things worked out, marriage. Some months after her proposal I began planning the wedding. It seemed appropriate. She, however, complained that I spoke of it too much, inundated her with details...she said she felt overwhelmed and wanted to enjoy the engagement. So I backed off. I stopped the planning and the dress hunting, agreeing that things may have gotten a little out of hand. A few months ago she approaches me with a vacation idea. She hints that it may be a great idea for a honeymoon. Again, I was excited. We set a date and I started planning again. Albeit, this time more slowly and with a lot less fervor. I knew all along that I'd be doing most of the planning and preparing. She's always lacked a certain enthusiasm for planning this wedding and I took that as a part of who she was. Yesterday, in the car, she came clean. She said she doesn't feel excited about the wedding and is terribly scared. She assures me that she wants to get married, and to me, but that she wants to wait...I ask her why she asked me to marry her, if so, and she admits that she felt some pressure from me. She tells me, however, that she'd planned to ask me a few months later, so it really didn't matter too much. We spoke for awhile and reached a compromise. You see, I can't start really planning for this wedding until September due to some financial restrictions. We both agreed to come back to the issue in September and see how she feels then. I felt alright about it yesterday, but am feeling some apprehension today about her committment level. I certainly don't want to force her into something she doesn't want any part of, but am I a fool for staying here? I mean, how much more time does she need? What more does she need to know? We've lived together for 2 years. Any mysteries about our personalities or staying together through the hard times should have dissolved by now. I just don't understand her hesitancy and it frustrates and saddens me. I never thought I'd question her committment but am worried now about what this means for the long haul... In addition, yes, we are a lesbian couple. Anyone not agreeing with said relationship will kindly keep their bigoted comments to themselves, please.
katiebour Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I've been with my b/f for almost 2 years now, and he is the same way. He's proposed twice in the past to ex-fiancees who broke off the wedding plans. I've been in 2 previous LTRs where I assumed marriage was the next step (and it wasn't.) Suffice it to say that we both support the idea of marriage and are "the marrying kind." But he's a non-trad college student who will graduate in a few years- I am the breadwinner for the household. He says he doesn't want to consider marriage until after he graduates. We actually had a discussion about this last night, about why it is that people who are living together, in a LTR, and who want to get married in the future, do not want to get married right away. He had an interesting comment for me: "We listen to the older guys. They tell us that when a guy gets married, that's where his career stops. Being married entails a whole new set of responsibilities and he has to focus on the marriage instead of his career." My response was that unless children were immediately being produced, the responsibilities of sharing a household vs. sharing a wedded household were the same. He then said "I'm feeling pressured" so I said that was ok and ended the discussion with a joke. I guess what I took away from the discussion was that as a wedded couple, the people in question have to consider the other person in all aspects of their shared life. What job you have, where you live, whether you buy a house or not, if you need a new car- all of these become joint considerations and responsibilities. While it's not to say that things aren't already that way with a household that lives together, maybe it's the actual ball-and-chain of knowing that you MUST consider your spouse. The committment is so much stronger that you can't live your life from a "What do I think/need/want," point of view, but rather a "What do we think/need/want/how can I do this so that it's in the best interests of my spouse?" My b/f said that in the past his life focused on the relationships rather than a career, and that right now his main focus is college and his future. So while our relationship is a part of things, it's not the center. I can understand that, although it doesn't thrill me. So I guess the question for you is this- where is your girlfriend in her life? What are her goals, what is she trying to accomplish at this point in time? What hurdles does she want to overcome before she approaches your shared future? If she's focused on a career or schooling, then you might have to wait until she feels ready. If there's no obvious focus other than day-to-day life and your relationship, then you should have an honest talk of whether she wants to get married, and if not, then find out why.
My Fair Katie Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 She said she was scared of the wedding. Did you ask her specifics? For instance is her family terribly conservative? Does she dislike weddings in general? Personally I loathe weddings and I had one (both DH and I are only children...so...). I didn't plan a darn thing for my own wedding. I told my mom if she wanted me to have a wedding she could pay for it and pick everything out. I didn't even choose my dress. I didn't give a crap. Maybe she'd be more comfortable if this honeymoon destination was also your wedding destination, intimate, just you two. Don't nag her, just ask for specifics. If it's something surface like above, it's easy enough to work around. I would imagine that being a lesbian and getting married has a certain amount of difficulties that a hetero marriage doesn't have. Best wishes.
norajane Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 How old are you two? Maybe she feels she is too young to be ready to make a lifetime commitment. Have you talked about what marriage actually means to both of you in practical terms? Perhaps she is afraid of how your lives will change - or how she thinks your lives will change. As a lesbian couple, if you are in the US, the wedding is just a personal commitment, not a legal one, so any decisions on what your marriage will entail/require are mostly personal. A frank discussion of expectations might help alleviate some of her fears. Bottom line, though, you are right. If she's not ready, you certainly don't want to force her. As for how long you should wait for her to make up her mind and be joyful and eager about marriage, it's really up to you - how long can you wait without getting frustrated and having it affect your joy in your relationship?
bab Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Before H and I got engaged, we had the, "what are we waiting for" discussion a couple of times. It took awhile for him to come clean about his real concerns because he thought they were shallow. One of them was BJ's. He'd always heard they stop after marriage. So, obviously that isn't her issue, but maybe there are similar sexual concerns? Maybe the more relevent: Another of his was the fact that he likes to spend his money on a rather expensive hobby and he was concerned that once we were married, and we had joint funds that I wouldn't be agreeable to what is unarguably a bad financial choice. Once he was able to be honest with me about his concerns, we had something to work with. Matter of fact, we've been married almost a year and he's away this weekend lighting our money on fire. Point of this is to say that it was his embarassment over what his concerns were as to what held up the show in the last 2 years before the proposal. Communication is the backbone of a good realtionship, especially a marriage relationship. Going blindly into it because we "love each other" is naive and just plain stupid. Maybe she feels like it's still a bit to "blind"? Ask questions like, What about us makes you think we are more likely to make it than the next couple? What do you see as potential bones of contention in the future? You can't plan out all future problems, but getting started on a couple possibilities sets the right tone for the marriage. Hope this isn't to rambling, I'm on my second glass of red wine on an empty stomach.
Trialbyfire Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 There are two separate issues here that I can see. The first is commitment and being 100% certain this is what you want in life. If either person is apprehensive or uninvested, best not to get married until the uncertainties have been addressed. The second issue is a lesbian marriage. You are taking a political, relatively high profile stance on a hot issue, regardless of your intent or romantic ideals. Maybe she's not prepared for the hoopla that accompanies something of this nature.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I've been with my b/f for almost 2 years now, and he is the same way. He's proposed twice in the past to ex-fiancees who broke off the wedding plans. I've been in 2 previous LTRs where I assumed marriage was the next step (and it wasn't.) Suffice it to say that we both support the idea of marriage and are "the marrying kind." But he's a non-trad college student who will graduate in a few years- I am the breadwinner for the household. He says he doesn't want to consider marriage until after he graduates. We actually had a discussion about this last night, about why it is that people who are living together, in a LTR, and who want to get married in the future, do not want to get married right away. He had an interesting comment for me: "We listen to the older guys. They tell us that when a guy gets married, that's where his career stops. Being married entails a whole new set of responsibilities and he has to focus on the marriage instead of his career." My response was that unless children were immediately being produced, the responsibilities of sharing a household vs. sharing a wedded household were the same. He then said "I'm feeling pressured" so I said that was ok and ended the discussion with a joke. I guess what I took away from the discussion was that as a wedded couple, the people in question have to consider the other person in all aspects of their shared life. What job you have, where you live, whether you buy a house or not, if you need a new car- all of these become joint considerations and responsibilities. While it's not to say that things aren't already that way with a household that lives together, maybe it's the actual ball-and-chain of knowing that you MUST consider your spouse. The committment is so much stronger that you can't live your life from a "What do I think/need/want," point of view, but rather a "What do we think/need/want/how can I do this so that it's in the best interests of my spouse?" My b/f said that in the past his life focused on the relationships rather than a career, and that right now his main focus is college and his future. So while our relationship is a part of things, it's not the center. I can understand that, although it doesn't thrill me. So I guess the question for you is this- where is your girlfriend in her life? What are her goals, what is she trying to accomplish at this point in time? What hurdles does she want to overcome before she approaches your shared future? If she's focused on a career or schooling, then you might have to wait until she feels ready. If there's no obvious focus other than day-to-day life and your relationship, then you should have an honest talk of whether she wants to get married, and if not, then find out why.[/quote In that case, I would move out immediately. why should you provide him with all the benefits of a marriage, plus your financial support, without the marriage license? Seriously, I would get the h e double hockey sticks out of that house and continue the relationship as a nonmarried, non living together couple and see if he really loves you by staying.
katiebour Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 In that case, I would move out immediately. why should you provide him with all the benefits of a marriage, plus your financial support, without the marriage license? Seriously, I would get the h e double hockey sticks out of that house and continue the relationship as a nonmarried, non living together couple and see if he really loves you by staying. We lived separately for a long time; I commuted back and forth on weekends to the college town he lived in for about 10 months before deciding to move in. I found I was miserably unhappy being so far away from him and decided the best course of action was to make the move. As to why I should provide him with support, financial and emotional? Well, my ex-b/f provided for me in a similar manner when I was going to grad school, and I figure, well, karma's a brat. Seriously, I do it because I love and care about him and his future, and I'm willing to bet that we will have a future together down the road. I have financial issues and debt which are being paid on and will be gone in the next year or two- I figure I can take this time to make myself a more worthy spousal candidate as well. I'm living cheaply, happily, with someone that I love, with whom I share joint ownership of our home to which we are making extensive improvements and building a future. Just because he's not ready to run to the courthouse after two years is no reason to end a relationship that is otherwise great. I am willing to take the chance and wait
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