Jinxx Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Jinxx Apparently the OP's Mom DID wait until the child was older, the post references not knowing why mom was crying and knowing why now. It is not vindictive to tell your child the truth about an event that greatly affects their life. Why do you feel this woman was being vindictive? I apologize -- I guess I mis-read. My children were also told when they were older. There was no crying, blaming or anything of the sorts. They were both well adjusted to the situation by then and had two parents and two families that loved them death. Again -- I misunderstood. The vindictive comment was addressed as if the BW deliberately told the son after learning about the affair. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Herzen Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I'm a son of a mother who had divorced my father because of an affair. She told me he was now married to the other woman. I found this out just recently. My mother cried as she told me not to become like my father. As I sit here and read these posts it sickens me that these people have no guilt as to the pain they cause. They do not feel the hatred of wanting to kill them. Nor the pain of seeing a loved one cry. They don't see the pain that I want to take away from my mother. They don't know how it feels to understand that my father chose this woman over me and my mother. When I realize that, it hurts to the bottom of my heart. Somehow, someway I wish I could go back in time and vanquish those days my mother was crying and I couldn't figure out why. I never really knew my father. He was just a figure, but since I have questions Iguess he'll be delighted to answer for the pain I felt watching my mother cry. And I guess his wife will love to gear what I have to say to her, because I plan very dearly to make her see the pain she's helped caused my family. Lashing out at your father and his wife won't make your mother happier.It sounds as if your father did more than cheat, he disappeared from your life. My father did that to me when I was just 4. Years later, I tracked him down, and saw what a pathetic excuse for a man he had become. I had no need for vengeance after that. Please get counseling assistance if you're feeling the need to harm your father and/or his wife. Your mother won't be any happier if you wind up going to jail on an assault charge.
NoIDidn't Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Please get counseling assistance if you're feeling the need to harm your father and/or his wife. Your mother won't be any happier if you wind up going to jail on an assault charge. I couldn't agree with this more. Your mother will not be happy to lose you over the past with your father. Maybe you should only talk to your father after sorting this out with a therapist.
Tomcat33 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 In a very general sense people share their personal secrets/situations to unburden themselves a bit from the pain that they carry withing. In this praticular case it appears that the father pulled away from the family and the mother had to explain to her child why she had written him off. I still doesn't explain why the father in this case could not be an active part of his son's life!?!? Affair or no affair, if the parents separate he doesn't have to seperate himself from his own child. That says a lot about the type of man he must be.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 In a very general sense people share their personal secrets/situations to unburden themselves a bit from the pain that they carry withing. In this praticular case it appears that the father pulled away from the family and the mother had to explain to her child why she had written him off. I still doesn't explain why the father in this case could not be an active part of his son's life!?!? Affair or no affair, if the parents separate he doesn't have to seperate himself from his own child. That says a lot about the type of man he must be. He was probably just a self-abosorbed *******, tomcat. There is no way around it. To disappear from a child's life does say alot about that man. So does having affairs.
Tomcat33 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 He was probably just a self-abosorbed *******, tomcat. There is no way around it. To disappear from a child's life does say alot about that man. So does having affairs. I agree 100% there is NO excuse for abandoning your children. NO excuse. And I think that is probably the worst pain for this person's (the OP's) mother. Not only did he stab her in the back with another woman, he did it doubly by disowing her child as well. That is some serious trauma.
Jinxx Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I still doesn't explain why the father in this case could not be an active part of his son's life!?!? In some cases parent alienation plays a huge part in this. My ex-husband had a brief marriage that produced a daughter before him I got back together. The mother went out of her way to keep my husband's daughter from him. When she turned 4, (remarried by then) she took off with the daughter and moved with her new husband hundreds of miles away to a different state making it impossible for my husband to see his daughter for his court ordered visitations. Even when they lived in the same town there was always some excuse as to why his daughter could not come for visitation. By then we had our first child. We were spending thousands of dollars on court costs fighting a losing battle. Eventually my husband relented and let his daughter be adopted by her stepfather, something that was extremely emotional and difficult for him to do. Today she is a young adult. I don't know if she knows the truth but my ex-sister-in-law has told me there has been some contact. So I guess my point is that not all father's want to lose contact with their children. There are three sides to ugly situations like this.... his, hers and the truth.
Tomcat33 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 In some cases parent alienation plays a huge part in this. My ex-husband had a brief marriage that produced a daughter before him I got back together. The mother went out of her way to keep my husband's daughter from him. When she turned 4, (remarried by then) she took off with the daughter and moved with her new husband hundreds of miles away to a different state making it impossible for my husband to see his daughter for his court ordered visitations. Even when they lived in the same town there was always some excuse as to why his daughter could not come for visitation. By then we had our first child. We were spending thousands of dollars on court costs fighting a losing battle. Eventually my husband relented and let his daughter be adopted by her stepfather, something that was extremely emotional and difficult for him to do. Today she is a young adult. I don't know if she knows the truth but my ex-sister-in-law has told me there has been some contact. So I guess my point is that not all father's want to lose contact with their children. There are three sides to ugly situations like this.... his, hers and the truth. AHA! this is where I was headed with my questions. I can't say it's one way or the other, nor will I assume what this particular situation is but given how the father in this case dissapeared it can only mean one of two things. a) he is a complete and utter prick of a man b) there is something else that went on between that woman and man and why he chose to walk out on her and her son, wanting no part of that. Again I don't want to assume anything but it seems like a very agressive act on that man's part to do that, and I would guess the reason he abandoned his son is to hurt the W even more. Either way the man is prick but I just get this feeling like there is something more to this story.
NoIDidn't Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 In some cases parent alienation plays a huge part in this. While I will be the first to say that it does exist in some cases, I simply DON'T believe in parental alienation. Most of the time when people claim this, they have done nothing to counter act it. My dad tried to tell me that my mom didn't want him coming to see me. Not true. Problem was he never showed up. I got tired of waiting for him and all his lies. I made up my own mind about him. I didn't like some of the things that she said about him. But they were TRUE. My mom didn't cause any of the distance in our R, his actions did. Too many times you have a NON-REPENTANT cheater just trying to get what he/she thinks they deserve at others' expense. They decide they want to have a R with children they have long abandoned and any feelings of distance in that R, they blame on the betrayed. I don't see how the children knowing the truth is the fault of the betrayed. Children do make up their own minds about people. We do teach them how to judge a person's character. Its just unfortunate when they have to turn that training around for use on one of their own parents.
Jinxx Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 My dad tried to tell me that my mom didn't want him coming to see me. Not true. Problem was he never showed up. I got tired of waiting for him and all his lies. I made up my own mind about him. I didn't like some of the things that she said about him. But they were TRUE. My mom didn't cause any of the distance in our R, his actions did. Good for you.... you eventually found out the truth. Every divorce situation different.
NoIDidn't Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Every divorce situation different. There was no divorce. Mom REFUSED to marry him. Smart lady, in that regard at least. I don't think its fair to force any child to have to "find out" the truth. They SHOULD be told the truth. Problem is, it WILL be told out of the lense of the teller. That's not parental alienation. That's simply telling it from the way it was experienced by the teller. Alienation is telling a child repeatedly that their parent is a good for nothing. That their parent hates them. Or that they are in danger when if they go off with the other parent. Telling a child the truth is not alienation. If a parent left a R to start another and abandoned the child, the child will know part of that to be true - having experienced the abandonment. There are folks out there that alienate their children from the non-custodial parent. But those folks also alienate their children from teachers, classmates, neighbors, any one they deem to be different or dangerous. Alienators do it regardless of whether there was a divorce afoot or not. Alienators even do it, to the extent that they can get away with it, with the other parent actually being in the home. But to imply that the betrayed is employing PAS is absolutely ridiculous. A child is automatically going to take the side of the wronged, or the one that they deem to be most vulnerable, and that's usually the betrayed one, or their mothers. But, that's just MHO.
Jinxx Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 But to imply that the betrayed is employing PAS is absolutely ridiculous. I never implied no such thing. I presented a different scenario in which I pointed out that PAS is indeed real and does happen to good people whether it be the mother or the father. My children and my ex-stepdaughter missed out on knowing each other because of a bitter ex-wife (not bitter ex-BS) that got her thrills out of making my ex-husband miserable at the expenive of their child. You sound like you still have some unresolved issues from your past.
vanilla chai Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 have you ever thought that maybe your dad was so very unhappy in his marriage to your mother? maybe he cried too over the decision to have to leave you. he probably would not have let you see those tears though, he wouldnt have wanted you to see his pain. these situations are not always as one-sided as some would like you to think. If daddy was so upset why wasn't he in his childs life? I just wish people would take responsibilty for their actions.
pricillia Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I think that we really don't know what honestly happened between Mother and Father... who knows if the Father tried to remain in the OP's life but what not permitted to do so... We do not know the relationship between Mom and Dad only that he cheated and left with the OW and started a new life. Well what if it were reverse and husband stayed with wife but continued to cheat on her with OW... How is that even better then him owning up to it and making a decision to choose who he wants to have a life with. Marriage is important yes and when one falls out of love with the other then it is painfull for everyone involved. But what if the husband had stayed and there was always fighting and possibly violence... how is that better?? The mom is obviously hurting but she can not, and I hope that she isn't putting guilt onto her son inreguards to the person that he is or will be. That is no way to parent either. The mom needs to heal in her own time and needs support from her family however at some point she needs to move on from this and become stronger.
scaredinlove Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I never really knew my father. He was just a figure, Maybe it is better for you and your mother to be away from him anyway. Don't torture yourself. Maybe if your father is not a good Husband the OW will suffer anyway. I am sorry you suffered for you mother but hate will only prolong the pain. maybe you should help your mother put this all behind her and look for someone else that wouldn't hurt her. Good Luck.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I never really knew my father. He was just a figure, Maybe it is better for you and your mother to be away from him anyway. Don't torture yourself. Maybe if your father is not a good Husband the OW will suffer anyway. I am sorry you suffered for you mother but hate will only prolong the pain. maybe you should help your mother put this all behind her and look for someone else that wouldn't hurt her. Good Luck. I was just in the same boat as this guy and his words struck me verbatim. He should try being matchmaker and find a good man for his mother. He's gonna let go of the anger and learn to forgive but he's gonna let go at his pace. He just cant let go it's still fresh in his mind.
NoIDidn't Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 I never implied no such thing. You sound like you still have some unresolved issues from your past. Been away for a few days, so I missed this. I replied to your post, but I was not responding directly to you. I appreciate your *concern* but its really moot as we ALL have unresolved issues from our past. I am no exception. Neither are you. It just gets my goat when the "other" side brings up PAS as if the betrayed is just supposed to skip off into LaLaLand because the M is over and the WS is happy. The kids may well survive, but not without scars. I wonder what its called when the ex-spouse degrades the betrayed to the kids as part of their "explanation" for why they left. Is that PAS too? Or does that ONLY apply to the betrayed since they are so bitter? Again, Jinxx this isn't to you, per se. Just posting on the thread to a concept that you introduced.
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