The honest truth

[Guest]

I'm a son of a mother who had divorced my father because of an affair. She told me he was now married to the other woman. I found this out just recently. My mother cried as she told me not to become like my father.

 

As I sit here and read these posts it sickens me that these people have no guilt as to the pain they cause. They do not feel the hatred of wanting to kill them. Nor the pain of seeing a loved one cry. They don't see the pain that I want to take away from my mother. They don't know how it feels to understand that my father chose this woman over me and my mother. When I realize that, it hurts to the bottom of my heart.

 

Somehow, someway I wish I could go back in time and vanquish those days my mother was crying and I couldn't figure out why.

 

I never really knew my father. He was just a figure, but since I have questions Iguess he'll be delighted to answer for the pain I felt watching my mother cry. And I guess his wife will love to gear what I have to say to her, because I plan very dearly to make her see the pain she's helped caused my family.

[My_Other_I]

And how exactly is more pain that you cause to others going to help your mother?

[GreenEyedLady]

They do not feel the hatred of wanting to kill them.

 

I think that if you feel that much hatred you DEFINITELY need to seek outside help immediately...

 

As for the rest of your post, I'm sorry for your pain...

[sadbuttrue]

have you ever thought that maybe your dad was so very unhappy in his marriage to your mother? maybe he cried too over the decision to have to leave you. he probably would not have let you see those tears though, he wouldnt have wanted you to see his pain.

 

these situations are not always as one-sided as some would like you to think.

[Chrome Barracuda]

have you ever thought that maybe your dad was so very unhappy in his marriage to your mother? maybe he cried too over the decision to have to leave you. he probably would not have let you see those tears though, he wouldnt have wanted you to see his pain.

 

these situations are not always as one-sided as some would like you to think.

 

WTF???? This guy is in pain and you make light of his situation by saying: his father was unhappy in his marriage and it hurt to leave her??? WTF?

 

Since when did having an affair be cool? Let me ask you is having an affair okay? If you can say yes your honestly F-ed up in the head!

 

What if his mother was just doing nothing wrong and his father became an a-hole and left to fufill his own selfish needs and desires leaving his family in the dust. Cheaters are never wrong right? leaving your family and sposue is okay right? give me a damn break.

 

That's why I never post on this board cause half of y'all are stone cold crazy. I kissed a mm I'm in love, I'm in love with my married girlfriend. I dont know but y'all havent been reading the news lately but people are dying over cheating, Watch your ass it could happen to you!!!

 

I sympathize with this man, because when I was 16 I found out I had a half sister I never even met, crushed my dreams and made me heartbroken that my father could have another child out there, hidden like a dirty sock. Meanwhile he played house with us, built up this family with us! lied to us!!! I was no longer the oldest child my dreams of a real family was ruined!

 

And I dont even care that I'm flagged for my response. So report it!

[Jinxx]

I'm a son of a mother who had divorced my father because of an affair. She told me he was now married to the other woman. I found this out just recently. My mother cried as she told me not to become like my father.

 

As I sit here and read these posts it sickens me that these people have no guilt as to the pain they cause. They do not feel the hatred of wanting to kill them. Nor the pain of seeing a loved one cry. They don't see the pain that I want to take away from my mother. They don't know how it feels to understand that my father chose this woman over me and my mother. When I realize that, it hurts to the bottom of my heart.

 

Somehow, someway I wish I could go back in time and vanquish those days my mother was crying and I couldn't figure out why.

 

I never really knew my father. He was just a figure, but since I have questions Iguess he'll be delighted to answer for the pain I felt watching my mother cry. And I guess his wife will love to gear what I have to say to her, because I plan very dearly to make her see the pain she's helped caused my family.

 

Guest -- First off -- how are you? You are harboring a lot of anger and are in serious need of one on one therapy.

 

I am one of those women with young children (many years ago) whose husband left for another woman. One thing for sure was I did not inflict my hurt and pain on my children. He was still there father -- he did not leave them -- he left me and and unhappy marriage. You do not know all of the factors involved which caused the demise of the marriage. Get some help. Your mother could use it too.

[sadbuttrue]

chrome, i am sorry you feel that way.

 

if you notice, i only said it was a possiblility and things arent always as they seem. not all cheaters are a-holes, and not all are wonderful people. that is life.

 

your dad stayed with your family and you still arent happy, people make mistakes.

[Chrome Barracuda]

chrome, i am sorry you feel that way.

 

if you notice, i only said it was a possiblility and things arent always as they seem. not all cheaters are a-holes, and not all are wonderful people. that is life.

 

your dad stayed with your family and you still arent happy, people make mistakes.

 

Cheating is not a damn mistake!!!

 

Cheating is a choice!!!

 

When a person delibretely goes out and sleeps with another person not there spouse not under intoxification or any narcotic or hallecinogic drugs than they are making a choice. Putting their mental, physical and emotional health on the line.

 

My dad never stayed with my family, he fell into a life fueled with cocaine and other drugs but luckily my mother pulled herself together and got up out the s*it!

 

And it's true not all cheaters are *******s but when people cheat you diminish your soul, you make yourself out to be a stupid idiot. Cheating is wrong, reguardless of any issues that led you to that point. If you want someone else be honest and face the consequences of your actions, there is no way to justify it. It is wrong.

 

Your post made it out to sound like it wasnt his fathers fault?!?!

 

R u f-ing kidding me. the father left the mother to marry the Affair partner?!? How sick is that?

 

Imagine: Oh I met my second wife by cheating on my first, The honeymoon was rocky because my son was being born but my new wife was more important!?

 

Come on give me a break. How could anybody marry the person that just broke up one marriage creating a new one. That whole new marriage is built on a foundation of lies and adultery.

 

They are hypocrites!

[sadbuttrue]

chrome, i was just trying to point out another view. when a child hears the story from the wounded partner, than of course it is going to be a somewhat different story than how the cheating partner would have seen things.

 

i am sorry you had such a hard life. and yeah it is usually not a good way to start a relationship, but people do make mistakes, and cheating can be a mistake. choices are mistakes a lot of times, they are called bad decisions. everyday people make choices, and they are not always the right ones.

 

i am sorry you seem to be so angry. you really should work on that.

[Jinxx]

Your post made it out to sound like it wasnt his fathers fault?!?!

 

R u f-ing kidding me. the father left the mother to marry the Affair partner?!? How sick is that?

 

It takes two people to make a marriage work. The father cannot take all of the blame for his failing marriage and doesn't mean he abandons his children.

 

It is not sick for someone to leave a bad marriage to find happiness even if it is someone they had an affair with. Yes, affairs are wrong and might not be the greatest way to start a new relationship or marriage. Nobody is perfect and morally right or wrong it happens.

 

My ex-husband married his OW. Nobody gave them a chance. And of course, me the BS was waiting for the day for it to end. It has been quite a few years now and they are still married, appear to be happy and my children have the best of both worlds. So it does work out for the best in some cases.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Honey,

 

People who are in affairs or exhibiting any other behavior which they "know" is wrong and hurtful to others have a need to project the blame elsewhere. They believe that the betrayed person should have enough respect for them to minimize the damages they have caused others. It sounds crazy to a betrayed spouse or the friends and family that have watched the incredible damages caused to a family. People in this situation CAN'T allow themselves to see it from that prospective because it takes away from their all important happiness.

 

I'm sorry for your pain and also for your mother's. You are not only dealing with your own sense of abandonment but her loss and pain as well. You have a right to be angry with your father as well as a right to tell him how you feel. One thing that you need to work on knowing is that this isn't about you or your mother, it is about him. HE was selfish, HE didn't handle things propperly, HE chose his own happiness over HIS family's. This isn't about you. Its ok to grieve and be angry BUT at some point you have to let that go for you. You have to make sure that anger and hurt are not affecting your life. That actually becomes YOUR responsibility to YOU. Same goes for your mother. Its a path to recovery that isn't easy. At some point you have to realize that all the anger and tears in the world aren't going to change the past. Learn to control your emotions where he is involved. Learn to replace negative thoughts with self empowering thoughts. The person who for the rest of your life has the ability to make you happy or sad is the ONE person that you can't leave... Yourself, own your own happiness and your own peace of mind... NOONE can take that away from you.

 

Good luck to you and your mom.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It takes two people to make a marriage work. The father cannot take all of the blame for his failing marriage and doesn't mean he abandons his children.

 

It is not sick for someone to leave a bad marriage to find happiness even if it is someone they had an affair with. Yes, affairs are wrong and might not be the greatest way to start a new relationship or marriage. Nobody is perfect and morally right or wrong it happens.

 

My ex-husband married his OW. Nobody gave them a chance. And of course, me the BS was waiting for the day for it to end. It has been quite a few years now and they are still married, appear to be happy and my children have the best of both worlds. So it does work out for the best in some cases.

 

Okay 1. While taking blame is taking blame. Yeah his mother takes 50% blame in what made the marriage disintergrate. That's fine but the choice to have an affair is his fault and only his fault. Own your own S*it! Period.

 

And he just recently found out from his mother about the OW and his father? If that's the case why didnt the father tell him? where was he at?

 

and 2. I understand that not all marriages make it. I understand that people have issues and there are problems. If things are so bad between people than do things the right way. Get a seperation, and or divorce. Then sleep with other people. At least people will respect you more and you will have more repsct for yourself. I'm sorry to hear that your Ex and his OW are married, you let that go which is good to your own healing. But just remember what goes around comes around.

 

Also it is not a mistake it was always a choice to cheat. You cannot rationalize it. Wrong is wrong. It doesnt always happen, it is always when the spouse makes the choice to create it, then it happens! But if I can go home to my girlfriend (If i had one at the moment. lol.) and say I dont think about any other girls but her, because I tell myself I love her. I make the conscious choice to go home and be with her. Why? because it's a choice!

 

Mistake my ass!

[Jinxx]

 

And he just recently found out from his mother about the OW and his father? If that's the case why didnt the father tell him? where was he at?

 

The mother sounds vindictive and was probably looking for a reason for the son the turn on the father in which she succeeded in doing but how selfish and unfair to the son. There is a time and a place to tell the children about a new SO when a marriage breaks up. The father did nothing wrong by not telling..... again, there is an appropriate time and place for this conversation. My children had no idea the ex-husband's OW was that -- an OW. They didn't know until years later after a time when everyone was secure and comfortable. They knew she was their father's girlfriend when we split but they did not know the "whole" story, the ugly truth. They didn't need to know -- they were children, not adults. You don't put your marriage problems onto your children. That is wrong.

[Ladyjane14]

Guest,

 

The BEST revenge is living well. There's NO COIN that would be acceptable payment for another person's pain anyway. Don't waste a minute standing around with your hand out waiting for payment to come. There's NOTHING that can compensate you.

 

Live your life in grace. And let the unworthy gnash their teeth at your happiness.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

JINX,

 

You are completely and utterly WRONG. Been there, done that with a child that was old enough to KNOW all hell was breaking loose but not why. Also had one too young. Not knowing for teenaged kids is worse than knowing. The WS owns it not the BS. To expect a BS to keep up the lie to an almost adult child to protect them or WS from the damages caused by WS is abusive to all involved, except for the coward.

 

This child questions daily what is happening (BLAMES HIMSELF) but lets LIE to him to protect his LYING CHEATING dad! Yeah, right!

 

I've got a post around here somewhere but no time to find it, of the story when my daughter decided to figure out what was going on in HER life and try to fix it! When I found out what SHE was going through trying to make sense of her family situation, it destroyed me. Did it destroy him? OFCOURSE NOT! He never cared to begin with what kind of situation he put his family in. I am not an enabler, anyone in my life who cares to make decisions can own them, I am no one's saviour.

 

The truth shall set you free! Its the lies and deciet that cause the pain, I will be no part of that!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Jynxx how is it vindictive to tell the truth?

 

I mean if your kids find out your banging someone other than their mother, even without the mother saying it. They gonna hate that. Kids are like that. Since when was it okay to hide the truth from children. Dont parents always tell their children: always tell me the truth, dont lie to me. blah,blah,blah.

 

Your telling me your okay lieing to the children.

 

I wouldnt be.

 

I'd sit down my kids and tell them the whole un-varnished truth. Harsh as it maybe it would look hypocritical on my part to ask my kids to always tell me the truth and yet the person they trust the most, who is responsible for there own well being. Lie to them? We as parents are the ones they learn from!!! they model their reactions and nehaviors upon what we do as parents and how we raise them.

 

Your right in sying the right place and the right time. but you should nt hide the truth from the kids. I dont get it because a few people are saying that the mother was vindictive? how? she told the truth?

 

When my mother told me about my half sister. She wasnt vindictive about it, wasnt hateful at all. by this time they was already seperated for a long time and knew about it even longer. But even today I wonder why it took her so long to tell me about it? His mother probably was in the same situation and couldnt lie about it. Kids deserve to know the truth. They will grow up bitter and disilluisoned with you and the world.

 

Trust me on this one.

[Tomcat33]

Guest:

 

I'm sorry for your pain, I can imgine how hard it is to see your mother suffering. I think most children want nothing more than to see their parents happy. And I can also understan your great frustration due to helplessness you feel in this situation.

 

I have a few questions for you though:

 

You say that your father has never been a part of your life why is that? Does this mean your parents divorced when you were still a child or a baby maybe?

 

I would also like to know, if your parents stayed together after the affair would it have made a difference for you?

 

On a side note it's ok to feel all the anger that you feel, violence is not the way to go however. I know you feel alot of volatile emotions since finding out what you did, but should you choose to act on your rage you would ruin your life and your mom's because your mother would be destroyed if something happened to you.

[Ladyjane14]

Been there, done that with a child that was old enough to KNOW all hell was breaking loose but not why. Also had one too young. Not knowing for teenaged kids is worse than knowing. The WS owns it not the BS. To expect a BS to keep up the lie to an almost adult child to protect them or WS from the damages caused by WS is abusive to all involved, except for the coward.

 

This child questions daily what is happening (BLAMES HIMSELF) but lets LIE to him to protect his LYING CHEATING dad! Yeah, right!

 

I've got a post around here somewhere but no time to find it, of the story when my daughter decided to figure out what was going on in HER life and try to fix it! When I found out what SHE was going through trying to make sense of her family situation, it destroyed me. Did it destroy him? OFCOURSE NOT! He never cared to begin with what kind of situation he put his family in. I am not an enabler, anyone in my life who cares to make decisions can own them, I am no one's saviour.

 

The truth shall set you free! Its the lies and deciet that cause the pain, I will be no part of that!

 

I totally agree.

 

I've got a friend who's teenager was wearing herself out trying to bridge the gap between her parents and somehow heal the family. She didn't have enough pieces to the puzzle to see the whole picture. Once she was given the truth... she was able to understand that there are some things a kid can't fix. This is what finally helped her to let go and what ended her sense of confusion.

[torranceshipman]

Hi Guest,

Just wanted to say that I feel terrible that you had to go through something like that, and it must be so hard on you looking back through all those memories of your mum crying and hard times in the family, your dad's absences etc, and knowing suddenly WHY that all happened - because he was having an affair. Marriage is a life commitment and honoring your marriage and your family should always be top of the list. You deserve respect, honesty and truth and so does your mom. I disagree with anyone that says honesty isnt the right thing-you deserved to know that he had been lying. And like another poster said - this is only about HIM and his mistakes, not about ANYTHING you or your mom could EVER have done. I should think it's been a big blow also finding out what kind of a man your dad is, and that must be so hard for you too.

 

I really, really feel for you, and it's human to feel so angry and so protective over your mom....to have to deal with all that betrayal from a parent is a big deal and I don't think anyone on this forum could understand it unless they've been through it themselves...but it is true that finding a way to work through it would help - if you stay angry forever it'll hurt you more, and you need to really look after yourself....

 

Look after yourself sweetie...

[NoIDidn't]

Guest

 

I am sorry that you are hurting. You sound like you love your Mom very much and are very protective of her. She may never not cry at the thought of what led to the dissolution of her M to your father, but that doesn't mean that she isn't healing and moving on.

 

You say that you don't really know your father. That's sad. I don't want to accuse him of anything here, so I won't assume anything about his level of selfishness. Maybe you can talk to your Dad, since you have already spoken to your Mom. Tell him how you are feeling. Don't mince words, but be sure to be VERY respectful.

 

Don't own your Mom's feelings, but own your own feelings of rejection and abandonment when you get to speak with him.

 

I have had this conversation with my own Dad. And it got me NOTHING. So be forewarned. My dad didn't leave for an OW. You may not hear what you want to hear, so be ready to hear anything and everything. Much of it will hurt. So be certain that you can handle what you might hear if you choose to speak with him.

 

Don't waste any words on his new W. What's done is done. She, like your father, is not likely to tell you what you want and need to hear. It will likely be a very hurtful conversation with her reducing your feelings to insignificant whinings of a child.

 

I agree with LJ, too, though. Live your best life. One that honors you and those around you (whether you care for them or not).

[Ruby Tuesday]

My FWS was always angry at the OW, he was twelve or so when he left BW and two teen kids for the OW. His mom had breast cancer and went through a divorce. Dad went to mexico with the OW and the kids trust fund for college.

 

There was one crucial moment that effected him deeply. When he went in the marines, the OW would now allow him to store his belongings there before he left to go into the military. The OW was trying to cut his family (kids) out of his life. He told his father that if he didnt stand up to the OW (stand up for his son) that he would never speak to him again.

 

As hard as he took it Im suprised he became a WS like his father. He knew what it was like. Why would he want to do that to his own kids?

[Jinxx]

Jynxx how is it vindictive to tell the truth?

 

I mean if your kids find out your banging someone other than their mother, even without the mother saying it. They gonna hate that. Kids are like that. Since when was it okay to hide the truth from children. Dont parents always tell their children: always tell me the truth, dont lie to me. blah,blah,blah.

 

Your telling me your okay lieing to the children.

 

You are missing the point here. My children were told the truth but only after they were older and more mature to understand. You cannot see how vindictive it is for a BW to deliberately expose the affair only for her self-satisfaction in knowing it will damage the relationship between the father and son?

 

You sound extremely angry and hurt. I am sorry for that. I hope you get some help.

[NoIDidn't]

You cannot see how vindictive it is for a BW to deliberately expose the affair only for her self-satisfaction in knowing it will damage the relationship between the father and son?

 

Jinxx

 

Apparently the OP's Mom DID wait until the child was older, the post references not knowing why mom was crying and knowing why now. It is not vindictive to tell your child the truth about an event that greatly affects their life.

 

That, and a self-satisfied woman is not likely to cry. But she is likely to grab her hat and coat and take the now angry child to the father and OW's doorstep for that "piece of his mind" that he wants to give them both.

 

Why do you feel this woman was being vindictive?

[Jinxx]

JINX,

 

You are completely and utterly WRONG.

 

You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Help!!! LMAO!!! for what?

 

The truth at any age is just that, the truth. You sound defensive of your actions. Telling me to get help is a way of brushing off what can be fixed if it's faced head on. I admit, I probably come across as angry but I have forgiven my father for everything... When he died.

 

But realistically. We mold the future and our actions in life is what makes them, who they become. They learn from us.

 

The truth is never vindictive. You automatically assume that the mother told the child in anger, but clearly he is old enough to come to his own judgements on that decision. It probably wasnt easy for her, because when she said it she was probably rehashing the past in her mind which was hard.

 

You have a self-defeatest attitude about everything. R U depressed. because if it's the truth why isnt it known. Why hide it from the kids? Kids know what's going on reguardless wheter you hide it from them or not.