js44 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I found 2 emails my wife sent to her friend. It looks like she is having an affair and may have possible had more than one. Should I confront her with what I have found? Not sure what to do. Right now I am totally numb.... Just looking for advice. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me something else... Here is the main text of the emails: Email #1 I am the worst person that has ever been born. I don't think I;m strong enough to do the "right" thing. I think this time I'm in a situation that will change me forever and I'm scared ****. I feel that I can't even control the next anything I do. I almost feel that someone else has just taken over me. I really, really know exactly how you feel. Of course totally different circustances, but the feeling of total not knowing what to do. And I know now that it really doesn't matter what anyone else tells you, or advise you get, it just doesn't ****ing matter. You're too far gone. So you let time and nature take it's course. I'm on your path. And it sucks because someone is going to get hurt. Very hurt. And it would be so simple to just walk away. But I can't. This time I don't think I can. Email #2 Hey, I know you are usually on this time of night. I am totally ****ed up. I almost feel like I'm having an out of body experience because I feel totally detatched. I'm even thinking that I'm trying to jeopardize everything I have. I don't know what to do. I look at xxxxxxxx, and I'm like what the **** are you doing. You've been with this man for 20 years. But I don't have any control of any human function. But then again I can hardly call myself human. The self loathing seems to be pretty much the feeling of each day. The guilt. The hiding of me. I wish I knew how I was meant to live this life. I know it's not all about me. Maybe I just wish it was for once.
Trialbyfire Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 She might be having an affair or might be finally succumbing to a traumatic experience that happened in her life. Hold off until you know for certain. There will probably be more emails that you can view in the near future. If it's a traumatic experience, you have to be gentle so she can continue to trust you. If it's an affair, then confront her assertively (not aggressively) and don't let her gaslight you with lies, making you feel psychotic.
Darth Vader Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Hold off for now about confronting her. But, I suggest that you get a good keylogger, just to monitor the situation. Has she been wearing more revealing clothing lately? Sexy underwear, new hair styles, new sexual positions, unexplained lost time. Has she talked alot about a new "friend"?
JustBreathe Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I'm with the others. Watch and monitor until you get irrefutable proof as the first thing a cheater will do is lie. Lie. Lie. She will then cover her tracks and you will never know the absolute truth. Be smart, hold your tongue, and start a spy campaign.
Author js44 Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Thanks for the replies. I don't think there has been any traumatic experiences - we have been through a lot together and I feel she would be ok sharing anything like that. There have been several new friends that I have not met, and there seem to be a lot more private phone calls... My take is that she may have had some casual encounter(s), but unexpectedly got emotionally attached this time. Now she feels badly and does not know what to do. It is hard to keep quiet about this as it has made me a bit depressed and she has noticed a change in my mood.
Trialbyfire Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Blame your changes on stress from work for the meantime. Continue keeping quiet until you have something more concrete. As for trauma, people can repress them even from themselves until one day they boil over into daily life. Also, print out these and any future emails for hardcopy proof, if you need to take any legal action in the situation of an affair.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 If I found emails like this I would think my spouse was cheating, too. If you confront her now (with only the email) it would be a mistake. It's not enough and she will most likely go deeper underground to protect her interests. It's alot easier if you know who he is, when they meet, and more of what they have going on between them. They have been practiced in the art of deception, so for them it is easier to lie than to tell the truth. If you confront her now, get ready to be gaslighted. "He is just a friend." and "It's not what it looks like." and my favorite, "You're crazy!" The AP is also instructed to deny, deny, deny... so dont expect any help from the AP. I would follow the emails and copy them to myself and continue investigating. Usually, when the spouse finds a clue like this, it is just the tip of the iceberg. Those emails are just a small part of the big picture. A keylogger (like others have suggested) would be a good idea. I also think planting a digital tape recorder in the car is a good way to find things out about a cheating spouse. When she goes out on errands, follow her and see where she goes. Go over the phone bills, credit card and bank statements with a fine toothed comb. Check places around the house for all her hiding spots. Look in the trash can for a discarded receipt or note. Look underneath drawers, between clothes, and look inside closets and boxes. Look around anything that is not nailed down to the floor. Just make sure you put everything back the way you found it. Take care of yourself and remember that this is not your fault and you are not to blame for your spouses weakness. Dont expect to deal with a irrational person, because nothing a cheater says makes any sense or logic. If I could warn you about cheating, I could only say that this is just the beginning of how bad it can be, especially if the WS is having an exit affair and they're going behind your back until they're set up with a new life. The BS is ridiculed and toyed with for no justifiable reason. They transfer their guilt onto their BS. People dont understand that its not just an affair, its a soul destroyer, it's a mind game and it ruins lives.
Bryanp Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 It seems pretty obvious that she is cheating on you. Are you going to wait until you possibly get an STD? I would confront her and tell her that you know and that the marriage is hanging by a thread. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What is very disturbing is that apparently you feel she has had other encounters as well. Why do you wish to be in a marriage where your wife is cheating on you with other men? She clearly has very little respect for you. Again no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 You have to understand the WS frame of mind is not stable, they live an alter life, and it goes without saying that you cannot rationalize with them, they dont understand boundaries and consequense and not just friends... You wouldnt understand their ability to decieve you and manipulate you into their goofy logic, until you have actually been in a conversation with your spouse about who they have been sleeping with. OMG they will deny it on their own childrens lives. Just be careful because an affair can get turned around on a BS really fast. Its a guilt trip to make you take the responsibility for what they did. The BS will suffer for everything their WS has ever done (or said) as though it was the BS had the affair. It hurts worse than you can imagine. Example: Any arguement with the BS is an excuse to stomp out and go see the AP. See, they start arguements to just manipulate a situation to their advantage and thats how a WS thinks. History will be re-written to how argumentative and controlling you are. That you are crazy and out of control even though they are the ones having the affair. WORSE YET ITS NOT EVEN ABOUT YOU (the bs, dont even enter the picture) Its all about drama.
Author js44 Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 It turns out my wife is a lesbian. I did some more snooping as suggested by others and found some more information and confronted her. She admitted having these feelings for some time and is now acting on them. She is clearly very conflicted as she still cares for me (I do believe this). The more I think about this the more upset I get. My whole life has been built around my wife and kids and now it looks like I will have to rebuild my life from scratch. This truly sucks... Sorry for the rambling, but I think writing this makes me feel better.
Darth Vader Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 OKKKKK........ Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Ask about your rights, and child custody. THAT is not a healthy environment for children! I suggest that you check it out!
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