First Love Can't Forgive Me

[the_otherhalf]

My ex and I had been dating for four years, and he broke up with me about two months ago. He was my first love, we lost our virginity to each other, and we the first for each other in many other aspects.

 

I've always been really pessimistic, and that started to take its toll on our relationship. Over the past year, I had been really negative and critical of him, never being interested in his activities, trying to change him, getting in fights for stupid reasons, etc. The fights were usually short and soon forgotten, no yelling ever involved, but they were pretty frequent and generally brought up by me, about 99 percent of the time. I've also never been good at being outwardly affectionate.

 

This was the reason for our break-up two months ago. For the first week after we broke up, I begged and pleaded with him to come back, but of course that didn't work. I started reading threads on here and saw that NC might be the best option. I initiated that, and he broke it three weeks later, asking for his things back from my (our?) apartment.

 

I am a freshman in college, about 200 miles away from home. I was really stubborn and decided to get an apartment this year instead of living in the dorms, so this is the first time I've lived on my own. My ex and I were planning on living together, but his parents didn't really like the idea so he just spent the majority of his time over here.

 

This ordeal has been very hard on me because in one fell swoop, I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, and my half-roommate.

 

I knew it was time to make a change for the better, and I believe I have. Friends have noticed it, and many people enjoy being around me now. My ex acknowledged my changes and said that he respected me for being able to do it.

 

However, he said that he can't come back because he can't forgive me for the way I acted. He said that I brought him to the lowest point in his life and that he is still trying to climb out of it. He said he still has feelings for me, but just can't act on them because he can't forgive me.

 

To me, this is so confusing because I've apologized and changed, and he accepted both of those. I've never cheated on him or broken his trust.

 

I was very degrading and lowered his self-esteem, but he knows (or at least acknowledges) that I've gotten better. Why can't he forgive me? Will he ever come back? Should I try to keep seeing him and being "friends" with him?

 

It may be naive of me, but I worry that I won't find someone like him again. I'm 19, and guys this age don't seem to have any interest in a somewhat serious relationship. My ex is a gentleman, always polite, and treated me wonderfully. I'm having such a hard time letting go because he was such a long-lasting and important piece of my life.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[Storyrider]

I hope this doesn't come across as condescending, as I really feel for you and how you must be hurting over this breakup. I remember breaking up with my first love when I was a freshman in college, and it was painful.

 

But it is almost inevitable that you won't end up with the first guy you get serious with. You will change a lot emotionally and psychologically in the next several years, maybe all the way through your twenties. Your conception of the kind of man you are looking for will evolve and grow as you grow. Your wants and needs will change, and you will eventually find someone you are compatible with as a woman, but it might be a while down the road.

 

I would take this time to look around and learn more about what you like in a guy. College is a great time for that because there are so many different types wandering around.

 

Hope you feel happier soon.

[amerikajin]

My ex and I had been dating for four years, and he broke up with me about two months ago. He was my first love, we lost our virginity to each other, and we the first for each other in many other aspects.

 

I've always been really pessimistic, and that started to take its toll on our relationship. Over the past year, I had been really negative and critical of him, never being interested in his activities, trying to change him, getting in fights for stupid reasons, etc. The fights were usually short and soon forgotten, no yelling ever involved, but they were pretty frequent and generally brought up by me, about 99 percent of the time. I've also never been good at being outwardly affectionate.

 

This was the reason for our break-up two months ago. For the first week after we broke up, I begged and pleaded with him to come back, but of course that didn't work. I started reading threads on here and saw that NC might be the best option. I initiated that, and he broke it three weeks later, asking for his things back from my (our?) apartment.

 

I am a freshman in college, about 200 miles away from home. I was really stubborn and decided to get an apartment this year instead of living in the dorms, so this is the first time I've lived on my own. My ex and I were planning on living together, but his parents didn't really like the idea so he just spent the majority of his time over here.

 

This ordeal has been very hard on me because in one fell swoop, I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, and my half-roommate.

 

I knew it was time to make a change for the better, and I believe I have. Friends have noticed it, and many people enjoy being around me now. My ex acknowledged my changes and said that he respected me for being able to do it.

 

However, he said that he can't come back because he can't forgive me for the way I acted. He said that I brought him to the lowest point in his life and that he is still trying to climb out of it. He said he still has feelings for me, but just can't act on them because he can't forgive me.

 

To me, this is so confusing because I've apologized and changed, and he accepted both of those. I've never cheated on him or broken his trust.

 

I was very degrading and lowered his self-esteem, but he knows (or at least acknowledges) that I've gotten better. Why can't he forgive me? Will he ever come back? Should I try to keep seeing him and being "friends" with him?

 

It may be naive of me, but I worry that I won't find someone like him again. I'm 19, and guys this age don't seem to have any interest in a somewhat serious relationship. My ex is a gentleman, always polite, and treated me wonderfully. I'm having such a hard time letting go because he was such a long-lasting and important piece of my life.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

You seem like you're handling things fairly well. You're looking at ways you can grow from this.

 

I don't think "forgive" is the word he's looking for - he forgives you. If he didn't he would not have accepted your apology and probably wouldn't want anything to do with you. His problem is that he can't forget the way he felt in the relationship, and it made him feel bad about himself. And what he's telling you is not that he doesn't care for you, but that he can't take the chance on being hurt like that again. He thinks it would be best if you both tried a new experience.

 

As the previous poster said, you two are young. I can't see this process as a bad thing at all. In most cases I know of, 19 or 20 is simply too young to think about permanent relationships. Most people I know of who got married at that age or either divorced or married but miserable. You just don't know enough about yourself and life at that age. Keep dating. Keep trying different experiences, but give yourself time to find someone who works for you.