Torn

[hardrider]

I am not sure how to start this off, but by just coming out and telling you that I carry a torch for my sister in law and I am loosing sleep over it, I think of her all the time It is a feeling connected with how and what she feels and going through and on many higher levels, sexually is second on this with me,

She is getting divorced 2 kids, my wife’s brother. my marriage sucks too and it is know and has been told to us by family, wife is blind to it, There has been very little sex like 3 times in 2 maybe 3 years.

And yes we have been to a t[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]herapist [/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][/COLOR]

Being that she is living with her mother in law; I am just concerned of her having awkward feelings and because of it this stops her. Or, maybe she does not have any feelings for me. I just know that she is all I think of and love spending time with her and when she stands close she makes my heart race.

I have so much to dump not sure where to do so. I tell my wife I am sick of fighting it is tearing me and a baby girl apart inside, I care for my wife as on a mother and a child level I am not in love anymore,

When we fight she tells me to leave and never come back. And she wants to have another child… And come this Friday 4 she will be getting it implanted, I am against it for many reasons money and all the fighting. She said I have to have it I don't want to kill our baby, and even though there is only a 30% chance being it was frozen, if she looses it she is going to divorce me I sadly must say I hope it does not work, I am sterile from chemo. I am so torn up.

I love my daughter so much she is my only reason I don’t leave. I am miserable and it shows with both loosing weight and sleep. This is tearing me up inside and out. I have had deep feelings for my sister in law for many years I hope she feels the same way

My wife knows, she asked me and I was honest, now she is folding it over my head

I just hope she just does not got to everyone and inform them, that would kill all chances I would think.

 

There is much more and goes deeper with my problems

Please help me

[hardrider]

replyed to my own post, lol

[Tomcat33]

I am not sure how to start this off, but by just coming out and telling you that I carry a torch for my sister in law and I am loosing sleep over it, I think of her all the time It is a feeling connected with how and what she feels and going through and on many higher levels, sexually is second on this with me,

She is getting divorced 2 kids, my wife’s brother. my marriage sucks too and it is know and has been told to us by family, wife is blind to it, There has been very little sex like 3 times in 2 maybe 3 years.

And yes we have been to a t[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]herapist [/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][/COLOR]

Being that she is living with her mother in law; I am just concerned of her having awkward feelings and because of it this stops her. Or, maybe she does not have any feelings for me. I just know that she is all I think of and love spending time with her and when she stands close she makes my heart race.

I have so much to dump not sure where to do so. I tell my wife I am sick of fighting it is tearing me and a baby girl apart inside, I care for my wife as on a mother and a child level I am not in love anymore,

When we fight she tells me to leave and never come back. And she wants to have another child… And come this Friday 4 she will be getting it implanted, I am against it for many reasons money and all the fighting. She said I have to have it I don't want to kill our baby, and even though there is only a 30% chance being it was frozen, if she looses it she is going to divorce me I sadly must say I hope it does not work, I am sterile from chemo. I am so torn up.

I love my daughter so much she is my only reason I don’t leave. I am miserable and it shows with both loosing weight and sleep. This is tearing me up inside and out. I have had deep feelings for my sister in law for many years I hope she feels the same way

My wife knows, she asked me and I was honest, now she is folding it over my head

I just hope she just does not got to everyone and inform them, that would kill all chances I would think.

 

There is much more and goes deeper with my problems

Please help me

 

 

Dear Hard:

 

why on earth would you stay in a marriage that makes you THAT miserable? I understand that you want to be a good father, but just because you divorce your baby's mother it does not mean you divorce your duties as a father (unless you choose to of course)

 

All that fighting is very toxic for the kids. Marriage IS a life commitment but it's not prison, if you honestly feel it in your heart there is no more hope for your rel. then do the right thing for all involved and leave.

As per your brother's soon to be exW I would hazard to guess that it might be that what you feel for her is more what you are missing in your relationship than what she can actually offer you. You only see one side of her and you have no idea what your dynamic would be like with her in a relationship.

 

So one step at a time. Figure out why you stay in your marriage and then once you do that start to think about the rest.

[PoshPrincess]

HardRider, it certainly sounds like you're in emotional turmoil at the moment. No one deserves to be in a marriage that makes them unhappy and what TomCat says is right - it won't make you a bad father because you divorce your W. It will actually make you a better father as all the unhappiness you are feeling will end up having an adverse affect on your daughter and possibly even the relationship you have with her.

 

As far as having another baby goes, I really feel that if you want to leave you must be 100% honest with your W and tell her that it can't happen. It will be tough, I know, but better that than to have another child. 'Band Aid' babies, as I've heard them called are never a good idea and although you may not be thinking it, your W might think another baby will save your R. That's very rare. YOU will still be unhappy and a new baby will make it even harder for you to leave, not to mention how hard it will be for your W to be left alone with a small child AND a baby to look after.

 

With regards to your feelings for your SIL, be careful. I was in an 8 year R with the father of my son and was very unhappy during the last year. I had a close friendship with his best friend and ended up thinking I had feelings for him that went beyond that. It was only after my ex and I split up that I realised I was just latching onto some emotional comfort that I felt was lacking at home. I too thought I had romantic feelings towards this other guy for some years but ignored them, because at the time I was happy with the ex. I made a huge mistake by cheating with this guy and although my ex has NEVER found out, and hopefully never will, I really hate myself for what I did. If you have a close friendship with your SIL then you may be mistaking those feelings for more. Not only that, but if anything happens between you it could ruin that friendship for good. Ex's friend and I used to be the best of mates but now we are no longer in touch. What I did messed with his head big time. He tried to fight the feelings he had for me for a long time before and during our fling and when he finally succumbed to them I had already realised that I had made a huge mistake. It got VERY messy and we could have hurt a lot of people.

 

Please think about what I am saying. If you really are unhappy, leave your W. I am sure you know that she deserves better than to be with someone who no longer loves her, as my ex did. Once you are free from your marriage you may see things a bit more clearly. Then, if you still think you have feelings for your SIL and you discover she feels the same, you will be able to have an R with her. Beware though, that this could cause all sorts of animosity between yourself, your W, your SIL and her husband. It can be a dangerous game.

 

Best of luck HardRider. I really hope you can sort yourself out and be happy. Remember, you deserve to be happy, whoever it's with. Otherwise you will look back on your life after however many years of marriage when your daughter (and any other kids you may have) have grown up, and will wonder where all those wasted years went.

[hardrider]

even though I told her how I felt and that I did not want to have this, my wife did it anway. Now I feel trapped... as far as my SIL I can't stop thinking and realy don't want to, I know her pretty well being she has lived near and see her offten with her family and soon to be ex.

 

I have dropped hents to her, not sure if she got them or blew them off. One thing she told me was that her soon to be said to her that they should have done this 5 years ago, I told her yeah that I wish I knew that then too...

 

I want to tell her but I guess that I am a chicken...but I would want to take it slow because I would want this to work and to give her time with what she needs to work out. I pray every day that my wife is now not pregnat. Am I evil? wrong? should I wait? or just keep it inside and let it eat me up?

[PoshPrincess]

I want to tell her but I guess that I am a chicken...but I would want to take it slow because I would want this to work and to give her time with what she needs to work out. I pray every day that my wife is now not pregnat. Am I evil? wrong? should I wait? or just keep it inside and let it eat me up?

 

You're not wrong and you're definitely not evil but you must have to courage to face up to things!!! If you stay in a loveless (from your point of view) marriage then it really will eat away at you. Have the guts to do something about it, for all your sakes! I only wish the guy I was in love with had done that!

[hardrider]

well I tried to explain my feeling to my wife, omg. It got so much worse, I wanted and tried to have a quite conversation, did not happen, My wife says she loves me and did not see anything wrong that she was happy till I opened my month,

 

as for my sil I am going to try to fight off myself and be a good boy, going to try to take a step back and wait to see if she makes her move how ever small or big it may be, lets see how long I can do that for, I am just so damn depressed,

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I know it's hard, but the best advice I could give is concentrate on how unhappy you are in your marriage and leave it before looking for a relationship with your SIL.

 

You sound so miserable, and no, it's not right that your W is forcing you into a pregnancy that only one party wants.

 

But concentrating on a relationship with your SIL sounds like an escapism from a bad marriage rather than a real relationship. That's only human, I believe - when we are unhappy, we look to others that coul make us happy. But in most accounts, its a fantasy. Deal with your unhappiness first. If your feelings for your SIL are still there after you have sorted your M out, then you know that your true in your heart and that chasing after that relationship is not a fantasy, but could become a reality. You also have the added bonus of knowing you "did the right thing" and from someone who has too often done the wrong thing, that feeling is immeasurable.