Darn thoughts!

[sapphire0903]

Hello everybody,

I know I am torturing myself for allowing these thoughts.......I just cannot manage to eliminate them. I actually woke up yesterday morning from a dream that he filed the papers. (He has never promised me this) but I actually "heard" him say it with his voice..."I filed the separation papers, I just could not take it any longer".........wishful thinking on my part I know.

 

I have tried visualizing him with a big "X" over his face when he pops in my head (often). I try thinking of him without me, with his wife,.....all this seems to do is weigh heavier on my heart.

I have often wondered "does he just not love me as I love him?"

 

I cant seem to wrap my brain around the concept, that he was in a marriage 23 years, tells me the majority of that marriage he wanted out, but then he goes back,(they were separated close to 3 years), but does not want to stop seeing me.

As so many have advised, "my heart has to catch up with my head"

 

When we were in contact, he told me "I see her trying really hard"

I have to respect that.

We are still in NC ,going on our 3rd week since it was last broken (he broke it).

I know I told him not to call me, and that we cant see each other, maybe it is because when he left, he told me "this is not goodbye", but "it" just does not feel like it is over & done.

(When I divorced my spouse, I KNEW it was over)

Do you think this is why I cant seem to move on? I don't feel like it is done, even though I said it was? Maybe because I did not really want it to be done?

I find myself hoping that "maybe when his kids graduate college next month........Just wishing it could be differnt.

[Tomcat33]

you know Saphire, I hate to make blanket statements but I will speak from my own personal views. It appears that women tend to be more determined when they want out of a relationship, especially marriage, they tend to make it more cut and dry. It's sort of like "if I crossed this line it must mean that I am absolutely done with this relationship" where as for men "it appears" there is a lot more waffling that goes in their heads in their actions.

 

Question number 1: why do you picture him with his W in happy scenarios? This is not helping you at all to heal your emotional state. The reality is you have no clue how happy he is. A lot of the time, and especially after the A is found out, going back to the marriage is NO picnic for either party. If she doesn't know about the A then double the pain, he continues to live the lie and has to perfom infront of his W in order to keep the secret under raps. Gees what a life!!! Look in the mirror you are WAYYY better off than him.

 

Question2: If you want to visualize things about him to help you get some strength back, picture him in scenarios that you find exremely unappealing. Picturing him happily with his W is not a good mental image for you right now, picturing him with BO and big gunky black stuff in between his teeth as he is going to kiss you could be.

I know it sounds silly but if you trick your brain to snap out of the "he can do no harm, he's perfect" mode of thinking you will slowly gain some prespective and start to rationalize your thoughts without effort.

If tried the big X thing then this shouldn't sound too hokey for you. ;-)

 

The problem I can see with picturing the big X on the face is that, does it really inspire any emotion in you? but picturing him doing something really gross or like the example I gave above does stir up a certain emotion.

find out what that is and substitute when he looks all dreamy and great in your thoughts. Nothing like a good bout of bad breath to kill the dreamy image! lol

 

When we were in contact, he told me "I see her trying really hard"

I have to respect that.

 

 

yeah yeah, yeah....mine said the exact same thing when he moved back home for three weeks, he respected her SO much that he was emailing me to tell me to wait up for him that he could not take being there any longer. That shows a LOT of respect for her efforts. What a joke!

 

There you go, yours keeps breaking NC that shows tremendous amount of respect for his W's hard efforts. NOT! That guy doesn't respect his W anymore than he respects himself.

 

Stay strong, ignore his NC being broken and focus on yourself. Don't respond don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are still there waiting for him to decide. YOU decide, let him twist and turn in his own S@#T storm but don't let him know a thing about you. The suspense will kill him, if the misery of living a lie won't first. And if he's not lying and is doing what he truly feels in his heart then what's the point of keeping this man in your life anyway, right?

 

So back to my original point, don't do that to yourself, don't picture him happily ever after. He is clearly NOT happily ever after, because if he were you would be out of site out of mind.

[sapphire0903]

Thanks for your response Tomcat,

I will try to answer your questions.

 

1. You are right, I have no clue if he is happy or not...I think this way because, when we were together, (we met when the two of us were separated) I asked him "what happened" in his marriage, he told me that the biggest reason he left was he felt neglected sexually for the majority of their marriage. That he loves her, she is a good person ect.....nothing negative (major)really about her. So it just makes me think,....."Well, if she is trying really hard,.......he must not be neglected any longer.

She knew about me while we were dating, and while she was winning him back. He tells me "I have told her that you are a part of my life now", and "it would be different if we had got together while I was still with my wife"

 

2.I

[sapphire0903]

Thanks for your response Tomcat,

I will try to answer your questions.

 

1. You are right, I have no clue if he is happy or not...I think this way because, when we were together, (we met when the two of us were separated) I asked him "what happened" in his marriage, he told me that the biggest reason he left was he felt neglected sexually for the majority of their marriage. That he loves her, she is a good person ect.....nothing negative (major)really about her. So it just makes me think,....."Well, if she is trying really hard,.......he must not be neglected any longer.

She knew about me while we were dating, and while she was winning him back. He tells me "I have told her that you are a part of my life now", and "it would be different if we had got together while I was still with my wife"

 

2.I suppose I could try this. ........couldnt hurt.

 

He broke contact almost 3 weeks ago. Prior to that, we had went 6 weeks NC. (beginning of NC)

I have not broke NC, but have wanted to pick up the phone and call him.

But what would I say?............How's your sex life?............No, everything I have wanted to say to him has already been said.

 

And you are right again Tomcat, if he is truly happy, I love him, I want him to be happy............I would like to know.

Maybe if I knew he was truly happy, that would give me enough reality to let go,......I asked him this once, and he told me "that question was hard to answer" he does not know. "I am not in love with her, but I do love her"

[Tomcat33]

Oh brother Saphire I had no idea this was your situation....yikes!

Firstly congrats, on getting out of that scene, NOT GOOD. I am very happy for you that you are being strong and are finally seeing the light, though slowly, you are seeing it.

 

How do I say this without sounding harsh:

 

It appears that this man has been quite clear with you, there wasn't a heck of a lot of misleading going on here. if he told you the old "love her not in love" bit then that says it all. That means absolutely NOTHING as far as your benefit goes.

 

1. He loves his W period! There is no such thing as lover her not inlove,. Yeah who isn't NOT "inlove" after the honeymoon period of the rel. passes...FYI the honey moon stage (or IN-LOVE feeling) usually lasts between 2months to 18mths (if you are lucky) here's a llittle reading on love as per the BBC

 

http://www.wmconnect.com/love/package.jsp?name=fte/loveandlust/loveandlust&floc=wn-wx

 

2. He wants a little boost kick for his sex life, if he wanted to improve his sexlife at home he could have tried many little things to create excitement outside of the norm and in the bedroom with his W. But what does he do isntead? He gets a lover.

Gees this sounds like the epitomy of the old mistress cheating spouse scenario. How cliche Sapphire, c'mon honey you can do better than this? You can have great SEX and LOVE all from one guy that's yours, all yours and you never have to part with him at the end of a date, to send him off into the arms of the woman he truly loves.

3. He tells you that he has no complaints about his W other than the sex, well GEES who doesn't have stale sex after a while, that's no reason to introduce a third party behind his W's back. You know that...

 

Let me ask you some things,

 

What do get from being with this man?

Do you consider him a friend, a partner? what?

 

 

As per the wanting to call him, EXACTLY!!! WHAT would you say?

BAD BAD idea and you know that!!

 

Is having him tell you "I am happy sex is great with the W" really what you need to move on? Don't expect that from him, he wants to keep the door open with you in case he needs your "sugar". You won't get closure from him, he is never going to close that door for you. YOU have to find your own closure S.

 

how much more proof do you need that he is happy if he is staying with his W, doesn't want to leave and the only thing missing is a sex therapist and possibly open communication with his W. You provide an escape for something he needs to confront in his own marriage. Why would you settle for being just that?

[sapphire0903]

Tomcat,

Iam not sure I am giving the right scenario, (not sure it matters)

He and I met when we were both separated, he had already moved out of the marital home, ....there was never, sending him off, I always stayed with him. So it appeared to be a normal relationship. (2 years)

and the "in love" feeling lasted the entire time with me in love with him.

 

He told me these things after we started our relationship..........hindsight...I should have not started the relationship with a sep. man, but I was sep too.

He told me his intention was to divorce, not to recconcile, that was definately broght up.

He told me there was "no way", and tells me now, he still does not "know how she did it"......his mind was made up.

That is the short version.

 

What did I get from him?............Honestly I have never been treated so well in all my life, my heart "floated" when I was around him.

I was nothing but smiles when I was with him.

Yes, sex was mind blowing.........best I have ever had.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat,

Iam not sure I am giving the right scenario, (not sure it matters)

He and I met when we were both separated, he had already moved out of the marital home, ....there was never, sending him off, I always stayed with him. So it appeared to be a normal relationship. (2 years)

and the "in love" feeling lasted the entire time with me in love with him.

 

He told me these things after we started our relationship..........hindsight...I should have not started the relationship with a sep. man, but I was sep too.

He told me his intention was to divorce, not to recconcile, that was definately broght up.

He told me there was "no way", and tells me now, he still does not "know how she did it"......his mind was made up.

That is the short version.

 

What did I get from him?............Honestly I have never been treated so well in all my life, my heart "floated" when I was around him.

I was nothing but smiles when I was with him.

Yes, sex was mind blowing.........best I have ever had.

 

Ohhh ok, sorry I got confused then I didn't understand the scenario. It sounds an awful lot like my situation. I was with a seperated man too who went back for a few weeks realised for good he didn't want it and is now trying to convince me to go back with him.

 

So my original post to you still stands then. This flip-flopping business if for the birds, don't know about you but one flip-lop was enough for me to feel that sort of rejection. And if I really wanted to I could understand that he had to do what he had to do, but I don't really want to be THAT understanding. You either want to be with someone or you don't. If you can't figure it out go and figure it out, make a decision and stick to it. as far as my situation is concerned I told him, contact me when your papers are filed, I want no part of a seperated man's life. Been there, done that got the T-shirt. Otherwise there is no point for me. How did I come to this realization? A lot of strength and self conviction that I am not to be "compared" to any one. I'm good enough on my own, I certainly don't need to be pitted against another woman in order to figure out what my worth is. If he can't see my worth that's his problem.

 

BUT on a personal note, I will never get involved with a seperated man again either. It's just too much work. If I want drama I'll fork out $10 and go catch the latest flick, or I'll go to the ballet. That's as much drama as I am willing to allow into my life. If I wanted to be a protagonist in a tragedy I would have studied acting and taken it to broadway. :laugh:

 

In your case, still wondering though if he was "done" with his marriage, what prompted him to go back?

 

Sorry and I didn't understand "he does not know how she did.." what?!?!

[Cliche]

Sapphire, I'm so sorry for your pain. But the breakup is still new. Give yourself some time to grieve. Maybe let those thoughts float in your mind for about 25 seconds, and then tell yourself that's enough of that and go do something fun or worthwhile.

 

I feel a bit like a hypocrite for saying this since I'm in my own semi-painful state, but the truth of the matter is, it will be okay eventually. It will because there's just no other option. I don't know anyone who has really really mourned a lost relationship forever. At some point, it just becomes nostaglia.

[sapphire0903]

Cliche,

Thank you for responding,......I wonder how much time I need to give it?

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for responding to others posts, because I may have "been there done that, but still not over it...........yet.

But you are right, we will be okay.

[sapphire0903]

Tomcat,

Your wisdom is immeasurable, thank you.

To answer your questions (sorry, I cant work the quote thing)

What prompted him to go bacK? My point of view, I think the children(both due to graduate college this summer) had a very strong pull on him. His W, also made sure that there were plenty of "family get togethers" that she was a part of, and half of those the kids, ended up with something else to do, or only "got together" with them for a short period of time, when the whole weekend was scheduled, Tgat left plenty of time for just him and her. (they were at a vacation home that HE bought after sep.)

W had told him that the children were angry with him, made him feel guilty, (kids talked with mom more than him)

Also too, his business was in a financial crisis, never had been in 14 years, so I am sure since that is his bread and butter, and him having such a strong provider sense took a bit of a toll on him. I know he and her had to mortgage their home to help pay for some of the business's debt. He told me numerous times how the crisis would keep him awake at night.

But all of this is just what I assume, I remember him telling me that he has a hard time telling W "no".

2nd

I mis quoted him,........he told me "I still don't know how she is back in my bed"

 

So, sad as it is, I wonder if he is happy with the decision he has made.

Yes, I think it would help me to hear from him that he is happy, ...........it sucks that it is not with me, but as I said, I do love him, and I want him to be happy...........I just have to get over it.

I wonder because he did not want to "break up", in fact at least 5 times I tried to break up, he convinced me otherwise.

[NearlyThere]

Hello everybody,

I know I am torturing myself for allowing these thoughts.......I just cannot manage to eliminate them. I actually woke up yesterday morning from a dream that he filed the papers. (He has never promised me this) but I actually "heard" him say it with his voice..."I filed the separation papers, I just could not take it any longer".........wishful thinking on my part I know.

 

I have tried visualizing him with a big "X" over his face when he pops in my head (often). I try thinking of him without me, with his wife,.....all this seems to do is weigh heavier on my heart.

I have often wondered "does he just not love me as I love him?"

 

I cant seem to wrap my brain around the concept, that he was in a marriage 23 years, tells me the majority of that marriage he wanted out, but then he goes back,(they were separated close to 3 years), but does not want to stop seeing me.

As so many have advised, "my heart has to catch up with my head"

 

When we were in contact, he told me "I see her trying really hard"

I have to respect that.

We are still in NC ,going on our 3rd week since it was last broken (he broke it).

I know I told him not to call me, and that we cant see each other, maybe it is because when he left, he told me "this is not goodbye", but "it" just does not feel like it is over & done.

(When I divorced my spouse, I KNEW it was over)

Do you think this is why I cant seem to move on? I don't feel like it is done, even though I said it was? Maybe because I did not really want it to be done?

I find myself hoping that "maybe when his kids graduate college next month........Just wishing it could be differnt.

 

Sapphire, would you enable your PM'ing, so I can message you.

 

NT

[sapphire0903]

NT

Would you mind telling me how to?

I looked under "my profile" but did not see an "enable" for pm'ing

[GreenEyedLady]

NT

Would you mind telling me how to?

I looked under "my profile" but did not see an "enable" for pm'ing

 

You need 100 posts then you go under your profile and you can turn them on...so post 11 more times and then you can send and receive PM's...

[dignityback]

You need 100 posts then you go under your profile and you can turn them on...so post 11 more times and then you can send and receive PM's...

 

 

Goodness me, that is alot of posts just to send a PM.

 

Best soldier on and do some more posting. I have a way to go!

Thanks for the info.

[NearlyThere]

I dont think it has to be 100 posts, I got my PM'ing options at around 80 posts, I think it has to do with, how many posts, how many threads you start and how often you post within a certain length of time. To be honest no-one can give a completed 100% definitive answer to this question from what I can gather.

 

NT

[GreenEyedLady]

I dont think it has to be 100 posts, I got my PM'ing options at around 80 posts, I think it has to do with, how many posts, how many threads you start and how often you post within a certain length of time. To be honest no-one can give a completed 100% definitive answer to this question from what I can gather.

 

NT

 

Yeah, I just saw that Saphhire got PM's...there must be some kind of formula...100 or a member for a specific length of time...

[Meaplus3]

Hello everybody,

I know I am torturing myself for allowing these thoughts.......I just cannot manage to eliminate them. I actually woke up yesterday morning from a dream that he filed the papers. (He has never promised me this) but I actually "heard" him say it with his voice..."I filed the separation papers, I just could not take it any longer".........wishful thinking on my part I know.

 

I have tried visualizing him with a big "X" over his face when he pops in my head (often). I try thinking of him without me, with his wife,.....all this seems to do is weigh heavier on my heart.

I have often wondered "does he just not love me as I love him?"

 

I cant seem to wrap my brain around the concept, that he was in a marriage 23 years, tells me the majority of that marriage he wanted out, but then he goes back,(they were separated close to 3 years), but does not want to stop seeing me.

As so many have advised, "my heart has to catch up with my head"

 

When we were in contact, he told me "I see her trying really hard"

I have to respect that.

We are still in NC ,going on our 3rd week since it was last broken (he broke it).

I know I told him not to call me, and that we cant see each other, maybe it is because when he left, he told me "this is not goodbye", but "it" just does not feel like it is over & done.

(When I divorced my spouse, I KNEW it was over)

Do you think this is why I cant seem to move on? I don't feel like it is done, even though I said it was? Maybe because I did not really want it to be done?

I find myself hoping that "maybe when his kids graduate college next month........Just wishing it could be differnt.

 

Hi Sapphire, First of all this break up is still new and you need to allow yourself some time here. The best way for you to recover from this is by changing your thought process! I learned this from Therapy and other LS memeber's while in the process of recovering from my e/a. I had an e/a and it's taken me many, many month's to be able to change my thinking patterns! By focusing on all the bad in the R, (forget the good) it will help you to see that this whole "A" was not worth it! Forget about picturing him happy wirh his W, for it will do you NO good. Picture a life of living Hell for him! To break my Emotional connection I had keep asking myself this. "Why on earth am I wasting my time on a man who is married and is a "Player". Thinking of him as a "player" really helped me see that I was just one of his little "Sidekick's" to fill a void within himself. For he used me for as long as he wanted on his terms and threw me to the trash so to speak. Honestly, what does that say about his character? NOT a whole lot in my mind! I know now I am better than that, and he was a waste of time! I think we tend to put MM up on a pedestal, kind of like a "Prince Charming" when they don't belong there. So, think of the ugliness, the hurt and he will at some point become un appealing to you. Believe me I have to live nextdoor to the MM I was involved with and I thought getting over him was "hopless", but it was not. I now see him out and about and I just think to myself. "Thank gosh he's his Wifes problem and not mine". Good luck, have faith!

 

AP:)