PoshPrincess Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Really need your help, Loveshackers. For those who don't know my sitch, exMM and I have now been over for months. We stayed in touch for some time but that was difficult for both of us (me more than him I suspect!) I met someone else a few months ago who I get on great with, have a good time with, etc but he is NOT MM. I just can't seem to get him out of my head. I thought things would be easier after time but they aren't and it's driving me insane. I saw exMM a couple of weeks ago. I was quite cool - not off-hand at all but chatted generally about stuff and didn't mention 'us'. He was still pretty flirty but I that's just his nature. I can't read anything into that. I try contacting him now and again by text (nothing heavy) and even tried calling him this morning but obviously he recognised my number and didn't answer. I feel like a stalker! I know I am just torturing myself but I can't seem to let go. I miss him like CRAZY! I know I shouldn't contact him but I am just SO weak it's untrue. Plus I keep having dreams about him all the time which doesn't help because then he's the first person I am thinking about when I wake up. On a good note, I HAVE come off anti-Ds which is something. I've got a new job which I really like so that HAS helped a bit. New BF really doesn't deserve this. I AM happy with him to a certain extent but know in my heart that it's not gonna be a long term thing so feel that I am leading him on. He knows about exMM but obviously doesn't realise that I never got over him. Do I end things with BF? I know that if I do I will be sitting indoors moping and feeling sorry for myself and will probably become even more obsessed with exMM, and if I am on a downer it will affect my son too. I guess that's a pretty selfish way of looking at things (then again, I had a R with a MM so I MUST be selfish!) Of course, I am being totally unfair on exMM and his W. I know he is still unhappy but I should still respect his decisions to stay whatever the reason. I am SOOOOOOOOO confused and frustrated by everything. For those of you who have REALLY moved on in the emotional sense, how the hell do you do it? AARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! :confused: :confused: :confused:
Geishawhelk Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Visualise your ex as an elderly, bed-ridden, sick man. Visualise your current B/F in the same way. Now see yourself in the same state. if we live that long, we all go the same way. We die, so don't cling. Harsh? Maybe. True? Indisputably. Love where you are and who you're with. Don't hark back, don't look forward. Stay in 'today' because each 'today' is brand new and fresh. be thankful for that.
Lizzie60 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 if you keep in touch with him, even if it's not about 'you two'. You have to stay away from him, do NOT contact him. When you catch yourself thinking about him, do something else... you have to keep your mind busy. Concentrate on your bf, your friends, family, hobbies. If you think this MM is obviously avoiding you and you keep trying...then you are 'clingy' and trust me, this is a huge turn-off for any man. Be independant, leave him alone. I know it's easier said than done... but if you keep saying you can't, then you won't. Be strong!
Tomcat33 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 if you keep in touch with him, even if it's not about 'you two'. You have to stay away from him, do NOT contact him. When you catch yourself thinking about him, do something else... you have to keep your mind busy. Concentrate on your bf, your friends, family, hobbies. Exactly! ^ You say that you stayed in touch off and on with exMM and though it may be even casually to catch up on each other's lives you have not yet closed the door on that relationship, therefore you have not healed from it. In order to completely erase him from your conscious mind you would have to go NC at all costs and block him from contacting you so that you know nothing more about him. That is the only that you will get over him in a healthy and true fashion. You may be dating another guy but clearly you are not in any emotional state to be devoting your heart to someone else. If you really care about the current guy stop seeing him for the time being, take a while to put NC into practice with the exMM and let your heart truly heal. Cutting off the A but staying in contact is NOT getting over him, it's cheating yourself, you can't stay friends with an ex if you want to get over him. Cut all ties, suffer the momentary loss and ride out the feelings. Only then will you truly be able to get over him. You are not over him right now even though you "tell" yourself you are. Good luck! :-)
Freedom Now Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I was fortunate. My xMM has not stopped contacting me, so I ended things on my terms. And I think that has helped. In essence, I left with my power intact. I controlled the ending. Now, I saw him a few months ago. He looked tired and drawn and he wasn't the man I remembered. And his life is the same. No better, no worse. And when I saw him, I realized with certainty that this wasn't the man that I fell in love with. But, it took months and months of pain and heartache to get where I was then. And now, he doesn't even make my heart skip a beat. He is beneath me. And I am sure it helped in my recovery to know that he was predatory towards me. He sought me out KNOWING he was unavailable. So, anger fueled me forward. And my revenge was living well. And I have been. And I feel great. You MUST stop all contact. You cannot be friends with him. It is an impossibility. I am sorry Posh. I know how hard it can get. But someday, some man WILL make your head turn and make you wonder what in the world you ever saw in your MM. I promise. Hugs to you.... FN
torranceshipman Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I've totally moved on emotionally - I see the guy every day at work and I have zero interest in him...it was easier for me, because in the end I saw his true colours...MM who have A's are generally quite cowardly and selfish...and nothing like the person they paint themselves to be. I quite simply realised that the person I had 'fallen for' was just an act, and the reality was that I'd been involved with a selfish cheater with no backbone, who had no issue with lying to and manipulating others to get what he wanted....no capability to live up to his responsibilities....what a loser. Which is hardly my idea of a good thing. So moving on wasnt hard! I'm actually quite shamed I was involved with the guy at all now! Interestingly, he's not nearly as physically good looking as the guys I usually date - ironically I thought it was his personality that made him attractive, which just goes to show how incredibly manipulative these men are!! Believe me, you're hanging on to the act, and what he manipulated you into seeing, not the real him. Look at it this way - he sneaks around and tells selfish lies to get what he wants, but is too weak, scared or cold hearted to tell the truth to the people he is supposed to love. He needs to seriously step up and grow a pair. Seriously, is that sexy or appealing?? No!!
Freedom Now Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I agree completely, torrance. I saw my xMM's true colors. And he was not the man I knew. Probably never was for that matter....
Tomcat33 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Now, I saw him a few months ago. He looked tired and drawn and he wasn't the man I remembered. And his life is the same. No better, no worse. And when I saw him, I realized with certainty that this wasn't the man that I fell in love with. This is so true. The last time I saw my ex he just didn't inspire the same emotions in me, too much water under the bridge thing. I remember when he dumped me to "try to salvage the marriage" in his email he said to me "I am doing what I have to do, not what I want to do...you have the option of starting over again and feeling that excitement of when you fall in love and the freshness of someone that excites you, me on the other hand I will never feel that ever again, I have NOTHING to look forward to. You have every day to look forward to while I know exactly how my days will be." I guess his own words must have really worked for him because three weeks later he was out of the marriage for good and he was once again living on his own. LOL Nothing will run you down faster than putting yourself in a situation that you no longer want with another person. It really does feel like a life sentence, and people in jail are not the happiest looking people around LOL But if that's their choice... In the end they get their just desserts, by virtue of the scenario they created themselves. Being the one to close the door on them for good, feels VERY good. While they were being indecisive and waflling about their feelings, other's feelings were being destroyed, so now it's the best way you can move on. To know that YOU are the one in control of calling the shots now and on top of it to be the one that says, "thanks but no thanks, it's too late for this now." Is really priceless. Close that door Posh, in months he will continue to wallow in his own misery while you will be healed and like new.
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 MM who have A's are generally quite cowardly and selfish...and nothing like the person they paint themselves to be. I quite simply realised that the person I had 'fallen for' was just an act, and the reality was that I'd been involved with a selfish cheater with no backbone, who had no issue with lying to and manipulating others to get what he wanted....no capability to live up to his responsibilities....what a loser. Which is hardly my idea of a good thing. So moving on wasnt hard! This is SO true and although I am still in love with MM I DO realise what a total coward he has been. I can't help making excuses for him sometimes though which annoys the hell out of me. I'm actually quite shamed I was involved with the guy at all now! I am totally ashamed that I was involved with an MM and I can't believe I was so stupid to fall for all his BS. Maybe that's why I hang on to him; to convince myself that it was for real. It actually makes me hate him more to believe that he loved. I would rather think that I was being used for sex but we didn't sleep together so it wasn't that. I DO understand though that at the end of the day I WAS used for something - the emotional connection that he didn't feel he was getting at home. Interestingly, he's not nearly as physically good looking as the guys I usually date - ironically I thought it was his personality that made him attractive, which just goes to show how incredibly manipulative these men are!! Believe me, you're hanging on to the act, and what he manipulated you into seeing, not the real him. Unfortunately MM was a lot more attractive than other guys I've been out with and he was SO tall, I loved it. I'm 5'8" so I like a man to be at least 6ft although never seem to end up with them. And he had amazing eyes. One day I guess I won't go weak at the knees thinking about them! He needs to seriously step up and grow a pair. Seriously, is that sexy or appealing?? No!! You are SO right in everything you say, Torrance. Thanks to you all for trying to talk some sense into me. To be honest, I just think I am having a bit of a 'down' day today. I thought I'd bagged myself a new counsellor but I haven't heard from him for a few weeks and I really need some more help. I definitely need hypnotherapy to ersae MMs phone number from my head for good!
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 I remember when he dumped me to "try to salvage the marriage" in his email he said to me "I am doing what I have to do, not what I want to do...you have the option of starting over again and feeling that excitement of when you fall in love and the freshness of someone that excites you, me on the other hand I will never feel that ever again, I have NOTHING to look forward to. You have every day to look forward to while I know exactly how my days will be." Do you reckon they go to classes to learn this sort of cr*p? I heard pretty much the same thing. "It's not what I want to do; it's just the only thing I CAN do....blah blah blah!" In the end they get their just desserts, by virtue of the scenario they created themselves. Being the one to close the door on them for good, feels VERY good. While they were being indecisive and waflling about their feelings, other's feelings were being destroyed, so now it's the best way you can move on. To know that YOU are the one in control of calling the shots now and on top of it to be the one that says, "thanks but no thanks, it's too late for this now." Is really priceless. I think I will read this quote every time I start thinking about him. You are SO right. If MM was genuinely as unhappy in his M as he says he was then he will suffer big time. I know him well enough to know that it will not be enough for him and I guess I should try and take some pleasure from that! He now spends most evenings in the pub from what I can gather (he never used to) so that's not exactly a sign that everything's rosy in the garden, is it? Close that door Posh, in months he will continue to wallow in his own misery while you will be healed and like new. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!
Tomcat33 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 This is SO true and although I am still in love with MM I DO realise what a total coward he has been. I can't help making excuses for him sometimes though which annoys the hell out of me. I am totally ashamed that I was involved with an MM and I can't believe I was so stupid to fall for all his BS. Maybe that's why I hang on to him; to convince myself that it was for real. It actually makes me hate him more to believe that he loved. I would rather think that I was being used for sex but we didn't sleep together so it wasn't that. I DO understand though that at the end of the day I WAS used for something - the emotional connection that he didn't feel he was getting at home. To be honest, I just think I am having a bit of a 'down' day today. I thought I'd bagged myself a new counsellor but I haven't heard from him for a few weeks and I really need some more help. I definitely need hypnotherapy to ersae MMs phone number from my head for good! Posh firstly I wanted to say that I'm sorry you are having a down day, I know how hard those can be and nothing you do really steers you away from thinking of just how "dreamy and special" the guy was/is. Well don't let your mind play those little happy movies for too long, it's not actually the good part of your brain doing that it's the evil part trying to trick you ;-) Look, you can't blame yourself for the things this man lead you to believe, you fell in love with him and he new it and he manipulated your feelings to his advantage. However were you really used? Did you not get something out this relationship as well? I'm sure you did, so being used implies taking something from you without giving you anything in return. Don't worry about putting blame on yourself right now, what you should do is focus on getting strong again, then once that happens everything will make better sense. The reason these guys are so damn appealing is because they turn on the charm into overdrive in order to compensate for the fact that they can't be with you completely. So don't kick yourself for falling for his great ways, you are only human and if it were that easy to spot while you were in the situation I am sure you would not have allowed yourself to get as deep as you did. I think you were a victim too, you were mislead into thinking things that were not true and I'm not saying he didn't feel the things he felt (I am sure these men actually fall in love at the time) but I also think he put the charm o'meter into overdrive. Who can resist that? If feels so good to have a man do and say so many nice things, even if deep down he is hurting you more than he cares to show. Once you move on emotionally and see what you had with him for what it was everything will make more sense. Right now you are still "under the spell" Have a good cry Posh that always helped me (hugs)
Tomcat33 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Do you reckon they go to classes to learn this sort of cr*p? I heard pretty much the same thing. "It's not what I want to do; it's just the only thing I CAN do....blah blah blah!" It sure does seem that way doesn't it? But no, I think a lot of these guys really let their guilt win. They know they created a situation that ended up sinking them way down past their heads and when they realise this and are torn as to take the leap for the unknown and stay with the comfort of what's familiar, they choose familiarity. And I don't care what anyone says that they stay because they realise they LOVE the W's well first of all if they love their Wves and see the harm that they did to them and the pain they have caused and still continue to engage in contact with the OW behind the W's back, there is no love there, sorry. It's quite clear why they stayed, it's certainly NOT for love. If you love someone you don't intentionally hurt them over and over again, you may risk losing everything once and learn your lesson but you don't repeat. Unfortunate for the W who takes him back (those who find out about the A) but as far as the guy goes he's made his bed and lies in it. And seriously the rest of his days he will spend carrying a part of you in his heart, HOW DO YOU go back to your marriage and devote yourself a 100% emotionally when you've shared a long intimate A with another woman? I'll tell you how, you become a GREAT ACTOR. Posh that should be satisfaction enough to know that he is suffering in silence for the rest of his days, and all because he lacks COJONES to do what he says he wants to do but can't. You're very welcome! :-) You know I would beg to differ about your guy if he had cut all contact with you but clearly what he wants is not his rel. with his W back, he just wants his married life COMFORT with the excitement of having you around to make his routine life easier to digest. Quite pathetic if you ask me...
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Thanks SO much TomCat. I have kept your previous quote in my purse so that I can read it whenever I am tempted to contact him. Hope you don't mind! I feel like I am becoming obsessed with these stalker-like tendancies! As for crying, I really need to, but after the split last year I think I may be "all cried out" as the song says. At the time I couldn't even get through a day at work without crying in the toilets. How sad is that? I guess I will get there one day but really didn't think it would take this long. I know I haven't helped myself by staying in touch with him and I should be grateful for the fact that he is leaving me alone now whether that's because he's trying to help me or because he doesn't give a sh*t anymore. Sorry, I could ramble on for ages.........but it isn't going to get me anywhere!
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 So much great advice here. Posh, mine as well used the same line on me, that he doesn't want to but has to, but so many more things he's done have led me to totally doubt everything I thought he felt and everything I thought I knew about him.
Tomcat33 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Posh you "ramble" as much as you like, part of dealing with the thoughts that run in your head is to GET THEM OUT. They only do you harm racing around in your mind. Purging the thoughts is a good way to heal. What worked for me was to write a personal journal of everything that I felt about him, tell him all the things you wish you could tell him, be as belligerent or as loving as you wish but get those thoughts out and pretend like he will see it. I used to write my man emails and trick my mind into thinking that he would see my owrds and after pouring out all my thoughts I would feel so much better at the end of the letter, it didn't even MAKE sense for him to see it, it didn't matter if he saw it or not. It just felt good to speak what I was thinking. Like a computer with too many files in the hardrive telling you "the memory is almost filled to capacity time to delete some files or your virual memory will be full" ;-) And as per the quote, of course you can cut it out and carry it with you. Do what you have to. There is NOTHING psycho about wanting to help yourself, about wanting to do something good for youself. Quite the contrary I think it's very mature of you and healthy to take the right steps to heal.
Ripples Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 PP, all I can do is reiterate all the fantastic posts and say well done for recognising the situation and being really pro-active. Good news about coming off the anti-Ds and about the job too. You deserve so much more and, despite the set backs, you're going out there getting it! Be strong, hon (((hugs)))
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Thanks to all of you for your support. I really am starting to feel better this afternoon as your words all make SO much sense. TomCat, you're fab - do you wanna be my new counsellor
Tomcat33 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Thanks to all of you for your support. I really am starting to feel better this afternoon as your words all make SO much sense. TomCat, you're fab - do you wanna be my new counsellor Hahahaha thanks Posh but I have to completely get out of my own funk, and only then I might consider the options. LOL In all seriousness, I can only be too happy to share a few techniques that worked for me in my time of need, there were a lot of great ladies that came to my rescue when I was clouded by my own situation and posters like Ripples, OOD, Can't Give Up, Puddle of Mud to name a few had very inspirational words for me that helpemed me a lot. So what goes around comes around. Just keeping the good vibes going that's all... Feel free to come by any time you need a little boost, that's what LS is for. Sort of like going for a mani/pedi or massage when you feel neglected.
woe_is_me Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 For those of you who have REALLY moved on in the emotional sense, how the hell do you do it? I wouldn't say i've 'moved' on. I'm moving on though! I do however remember being right where you're at. Different days bring different emotions Posh. Most days though i see my xmm in a different light since his A came to light. And it's not how he'd want me to see him. And i know it's been said in here before....but for me, his wife finding out is 'how the hell i'm doing it ' If not for that this man would still have my brain as well as my heart.
woe_is_me Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Interestingly, he's not nearly as physically good looking as the guys I usually date - ironically I thought it was his personality that made him attractive, which just goes to show how incredibly manipulative these men are!! Believe me, you're hanging on to the act, and what he manipulated you into seeing, not the real him. Wow..i'm stunned torrance.. my situation and my sentiments exactly!
scaredinlove Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I haven't move on but I agree with the rest that the best is to cut all contact.Even a innocent "how is the weather today" will bring memories. Just let time pass and you will feel better. If you are not making any promisses for this new guy and you guys are just having good time them don't break up. Just tell him you just want to have some good time but not any long term relationship. If he is like most guys he will love it. Hang in there you will be fine! good luck!
Author PoshPrincess Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Posh, you should enable your PM's... Thanks GEL, that would be good. How do I do that? I may not be a newbie here but still don't know what I am doing - duh! Had a chat with BF last night (needed dutch courage 1st! ) telling him I thought I had been unfair for getting involved with him when I clearly hadn't moved on emotionally from the MM thing. He was cool as anything, said that we'd helped each other as he'd also been at a low point when we got together. I think he understands and he seems happy to continue things as they are. I just don't want to mess him about. Jeez, all these people having their lives f*cked up and all because of MM and me being totally selfish! Am still on a bit of a downer today althouth everyone's kind words of support really helped yesterday and I am actually starting to have feelings of hate towards MM for putting me through all this ****e which is good. Think I will get myself a punch bag! Shame I haven't got any pics of him to put on it I've never gone through that anger stage and think that is what I need. I SO wanted to text him last night (which would've been a drunken ramble that I would've regretted this morning) but I managed to resist and texted a friend instead. Have got an appointment with my new counsellor this week and he seems like he could be really good for me so things are moving on again. Fingers xd eh?
GreenEyedLady Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Posh: Go into your profile and edit it under messages...I can't remember exactly how, but if you poke around long enough you'll find it...
Sunset Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Posh I posted a thread on hear called Sad about a week ago because I have been feeling like you. There was some great advice on there too about moving forward. Just wanted you to know there was someone else feeling exactly the same as you - I too have been guilty of looking clingy. I got used to him contacting and then when it stopped my ego deflated and I needed some more of that booster drug. So I contacted him again and again and OMG its too embarassing and raw to go over being only last week I heard every excuse on the planet for his none responses from no internet to no credits. I know for a fact he was lying on every excuse but instead I just chased him. I have managed to stop the contact but I just wanted you to know that think I know exactly how you are feeling.
Recommended Posts