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Posted

Hi all, I really didn't know that a site like this existed until I read something on another forum. Well I'm happy that there is a place for OW since we are regarded as the scum of the earth by most people. I have been the other woman since 2001 and it has been a journey that has had its highs and definitely its lows. My MM pursued me for 1yr before I decided to be involved with him so we had developed a friendship before we became intimate. When we became intimate I had just ended a relationship and thought oh what the heck he's a great guy so I'll just have some fun until I get tired of him and move on. But no I got hooked and despite breaking up with him on several occasions I have always returned to him and he has never given up on me. I even went abroad for 2yrs to be free of him because I thought if I remained in the same location then I would never be free of him and I was right. During the time abroad I visited him once, but broke things of after meeting someone else. I even went as far as being engaged to that guy but I broke off the engagement because he couldn't measure up with my MM; in other words we were not compatible. You see my MM and I have a wonderful relationship and we make each other happy except the fact that he's married. We truly believe that we are soul mates and we are working on being life mates. All my friends and family knows him and they all believe he is a wonderful man. He treats me well and it is obvious to everyone that we are perfectly suited.

 

He is an older man by 20yrs and has been married for 21yrs and has 2 daughters age 20 and 18. He has always worked away from home (going home on weekends) so I have never had problems seeing him except on public holidays. His age is not an issue for either of us and he leads an active and healthy lifestyle. We have never discussed his W and his marriage until 1yr ago when we decided that we couldn't be apart form each other and he says he will get a divorce. He says that they had grown apart since his youngest daughter was about 10 and he has slept in separate bedrooms for yrs. He has never discussed his W with me before last year and I had never asked about her since I felt it was not my place. (I respected him for never discussing her or blame her for his indiscretion)

 

Since June of last year we have stated our 'commitment' to each other and he has decided that he will get a divorce and I have decided to be faithful to him. He has asked me to give him some time to start the process and he has always kept his word, so I don't see why he should stop now. His eldest daughter had a major health crisis late last year and he says he wants to wait until she is in better health physically as well as sort out some legal issues he has with his business before filing for a divorce (sounds like bulls..t I know but he doesn't do anything until he's ready so we'll see). I stated in no uncertain terms that if by the time I'm finished with graduate studies in 2009 we are not married or have a wedding date set then I'm moving on with my life and he has reassured me that by that time everything will be sorted out. Our relationship has changed significantly since last year and I have seen where we are gradually becoming closer and acting more like a regular couple. Whereas before he would sleep at my house 2x per week, he is here 2 weeknights and on the weekend except Sunday nights when he goes home, which is only 20 minutes from where I live. I have met his friends; in fact went to a party where his closest friends were there including their wives who knows his wife. We go shopping together; dine at restaurants in our neighborhood and I have unlimited access to his beach house; drives his vehicle and the list goes on. We have discussed children and he wants another child as much as I do.Oh and we go on our first vacation this summer and I almost forgot we spent our first Christmas and New years together last year; it was spectacular. I know this is long but thanks for reading. I just wanted to give you all some history and as I wrote down my story I realize that there have been so many changes in the right direction, so I just need to be patient now and see if he will be consistent and stick to his word!:D Now if I could only find that magic wand that makes everything fall into place:(

Posted

Well, I can say this much. He's got you right where he wants you.

Posted

I'm glad everything is working for you. He really just have the title 'married' as he has been 'out' of his marriage for quite a long time now. He is a married 'single'... LOL

 

She probably knows about his affair and maybe she wants out just as much as he does. Anyway... good luck with all the divorce stuff (for him) and I wish you a happy life with him. I suppose you're in your late 20s or early 30s.

 

Take care!

  • Author
Posted
I'm glad everything is working for you. He really just have the title 'married' as he has been 'out' of his marriage for quite a long time now. He is a married 'single'... LOL

 

She probably knows about his affair and maybe she wants out just as much as he does. Anyway... good luck with all the divorce stuff (for him) and I wish you a happy life with him. I suppose you're in your late 20s or early 30s.

 

Take care!

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement Liz:) Yes I'm in my late 20's and many have confirmed that based on their observation the marriage has been dead for years. I've been introduced to his closest friends and that is a big sign for me that he is serious about divorce. We have never discussed divorce prior to last year and he has never done anything to hurt me so I have to make a decision based on his track record not on what happens in 90% of these cases. He is a dependable man and He has never said he will do something and goes back on his word, to me at least. He loves his children and his eldest daughter is undergoing chemotherapy so he says he does not want to give her additional stress right now. His children are studying abroad and though they are aware that their parent's marriage is rocky it will still be a big blow when the divorce actually begins. I live in the Caribbean so things divorce proceedings are somewhat different from the US; it is closer to England. I have done my research so when the process starts I can know when he's telling me bs. They have multiple assets together plus he has two businesses that will likely to be a big issue when the divorce starts so he has said that if the division of property cannot be reached amicably he will get the divorce done first before division of property so we can get married and based on my research this is possible.

Posted
Thanks for the words of encouragement Liz:) Yes I'm in my late 20's and many have confirmed that based on their observation the marriage has been dead for years. I've been introduced to his closest friends and that is a big sign for me that he is serious about divorce. We have never discussed divorce prior to last year and he has never done anything to hurt me so I have to make a decision based on his track record not on what happens in 90% of these cases. He is a dependable man and He has never said he will do something and goes back on his word, to me at least. He loves his children and his eldest daughter is undergoing chemotherapy so he says he does not want to give her additional stress right now. His children are studying abroad and though they are aware that their parent's marriage is rocky it will still be a big blow when the divorce actually begins. I live in the Caribbean so things divorce proceedings are somewhat different from the US; it is closer to England. I have done my research so when the process starts I can know when he's telling me bs. They have multiple assets together plus he has two businesses that will likely to be a big issue when the divorce starts so he has said that if the division of property cannot be reached amicably he will get the divorce done first before division of property so we can get married and based on my research this is possible.

 

I have absolutely no idea how these procedures work... I've never been married myself... plus I am from Canada. I suppose every country has its own 'regulations'.

 

Good luck and keep us informed! You know him better than anyone else here.

  • Author
Posted
Well, I can say this much. He's got you right where he wants you.

 

 

This observation is rather abrupt. Care to explain? I joined this forum because I thought that it would be great to communicate with people who are in similar situation as often there are issues that are akin to this type of relationship. The world is very judgmental so I assume that on a support site for OW then there will be... well support and understanding. I'm not expecting people to encourage others to break up a marriage but at least be sympathetic, understanding, provide constructive criticism and help the person to work through whatever issues that have at hand. I didn't join this site because I am questioning my decision. I have made the decision and is prepared to wait until I'm through with my studies for him to sort out his life. I am not only expecting him to divorce by then but to commit to me in marriage as I want to settle down and have a child. I was the one who said 2009, because I know that that is more than enough time; and I know myself. I know that having completed my studies I will not sit around and wait for him, because I want what he has had all these years: a real family.

Posted

sounds like he says the same things all the MM here say to the OW... ANYTHING to string her along for his own pleasure.

 

read a few posts in the OW/OM forum and you'll understand how much pain these women live with to compromise their life for the MM.

 

it is pretty rare (from what I've read since being here) that MM will follow the deadline and make a change... why should he? He has the best of both worlds. When he's made you mad enough to leave - he'll find the proper replacement for your position.

 

sorry...

4whatItsWorth
Posted

 

...He says that they had grown apart since his youngest daughter was about 10 and he has slept in separate bedrooms for yrs...

 

...I have met his friends; in fact went to a party where his closest friends were there including their wives who knows his wife.

 

...Oh and we go on our first vacation this summer and I almost forgot we spent our first Christmas and New years together last year; it was spectacular...

 

I'm sorry, but both you and his behaviour disgusts me. :sick: If they grew apart like 8 years ago then why the hell didn't he leave earlier? He had ANOTHER OW...?

 

Also, you say he always keeps his word - HAH! What about his wedding vows? He obviously has no problem breaking those. And to introduce you to his friends shows he has no respect at all for his poor wife. I hope those other wives tells her the truth she deserves to know!! And if I were her, I'd burn down the beach and the car and anything you've been in touch with.

 

And how nice he waits until his daughter has healed until he gives her another reason to have serious illness. You can dream on, honey, but any man who tells his daughter he's got an OW marrying you within 2 years after chemotherapy will risk the health of his daughter - if he is a decent man he would NEVER do so.

 

Then again, if he was a decent man he'd DIVORCED HIS CURRENT WIFE BEFORE BEING WITH YOU.

 

Seriosuly, if I was his wife - you'd NOT be happy to be his OW...

Posted
I'm sorry, but both you and his behaviour disgusts me. :sick: If they grew apart like 8 years ago then why the hell didn't he leave earlier? He had ANOTHER OW...?

 

Also, you say he always keeps his word - HAH! What about his wedding vows? He obviously has no problem breaking those. And to introduce you to his friends shows he has no respect at all for his poor wife. I hope those other wives tells her the truth she deserves to know!! And if I were her, I'd burn down the beach and the car and anything you've been in touch with.

 

And how nice he waits until his daughter has healed until he gives her another reason to have serious illness. You can dream on, honey, but any man who tells his daughter he's got an OW marrying you within 2 years after chemotherapy will risk the health of his daughter - if he is a decent man he would NEVER do so.

 

Then again, if he was a decent man he'd DIVORCED HIS CURRENT WIFE BEFORE BEING WITH YOU.

 

Seriosuly, if I was his wife - you'd NOT be happy to be his OW...

 

You need to relax or you might have a stroke ma'am... geezz... it's not always that easy to get out of a marriage... I think this guy is rather a good responsible man and a good father for having wait till his daughter gets better, etc... he obviously think more about his family than his own well-being...

 

Pulse, don't worry about the bitter, angry posters here... you have a wonderful man, enjoy your life with him. Some posters are just green with envy and jealousy. They probably have been left for a much younger woman...

  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry, but both you and his behaviour disgusts me. :sick: If they grew apart like 8 years ago then why the hell didn't he leave earlier? He had ANOTHER OW...?

 

Also, you say he always keeps his word - HAH! What about his wedding vows? He obviously has no problem breaking those. And to introduce you to his friends shows he has no respect at all for his poor wife. I hope those other wives tells her the truth she deserves to know!! And if I were her, I'd burn down the beach and the car and anything you've been in touch with.

 

And how nice he waits until his daughter has healed until he gives her another reason to have serious illness. You can dream on, honey, but any man who tells his daughter he's got an OW marrying you within 2 years after chemotherapy will risk the health of his daughter - if he is a decent man he would NEVER do so.

 

 

 

Then again, if he was a decent man he'd DIVORCED HIS CURRENT WIFE BEFORE BEING WITH YOU.

 

Seriosuly, if I was his wife - you'd NOT be happy to be his OW...

 

Unlike you I know that not everything in life is black and white and I also know that perfection is a myth. I'm not aware that he had another OW, but I'm pretty much convinced there has been nobody else for the last 2yrs. She knows he wants a divorce and they are sharing the house (6bdrms). This man is well known so of course she knows about me and I expect her to. If this marriage has ran its course then I refuse to take any blame for its dissolution as he is divorcing her because he wants to not because I'm forcing him. He has not been divorced because he wanted his children to be grown first and he stands to lose millions, not a few thousand bucks, during the divorce. You are thousands of miles away, yet you have formed a negative opinion of me and of my SO. Luckily, I have a strong understanding of who I am and will not based my perception of myself based on a stranger's comment.;)

Posted

If you really want an honest relationship with him in the future, stop being the OW in his life now. Stop having sex with him and distance yourself from him. It's just so unfair to his wife, and his children to have someone else on the side while he's still pretending to be a husband and a family man at home. He's betraying them and making a fool of them ALL in the process.

 

I know you don't want to see things that way, you love him and don't want to doubt him, but if he truely loves you, he'll end his marriage now and let his wife go so she can find someone else who can love her. 2009 is a long way off, so much can happen between now and then...

 

Good luck though.

  • Author
Posted
sounds like he says the same things all the MM here say to the OW... ANYTHING to string her along for his own pleasure.

 

read a few posts in the OW/OM forum and you'll understand how much pain these women live with to compromise their life for the MM.

 

it is pretty rare (from what I've read since being here) that MM will follow the deadline and make a change... why should he? He has the best of both worlds. When he's made you mad enough to leave - he'll find the proper replacement for your position.

 

sorry...

 

 

I appreciate your response but he is not the only person with options. I have options too! I am young beautiful, educated and I ignore numerous men everyday so I don't expect anybody to be sorry for me. I am going into this having weighed the pros and cons and contrary to what you and others may believe I am not the blind being led. If he doesn't get a divorce then fine I'll move on, I'll be bruised for a while but I will be okay eventually. I'm old enough to know that I could be heartbroken if I was involved with another man just as well; people experience this everyday. He does not define me. I chose to be with him because he has the qualities I look for in a partner, except the cheating (I don't think he's a serial cheater) but we intend to go counseling in the near future to work this through.

Posted

Your post didn't contain any questions for us. It was all statements that sounded like they're aimed at convincing someone. I'll be clear - you will convince very few LS longtimers that your MM/OW affair is going to have a happy ending. If you manage to convince yourself, that's the best you can hope for.

 

There will never be a "low stress" time to divorce. Look, if the daughter is in chemotherapy, he and his W can just have lawyers work the details from a distance while they focus on providing their daughter support.

 

I'm not expecting people to encourage others to break up a marriage but at least be sympathetic, understanding, provide constructive criticism and help the person to work through whatever issues that have at hand.

I'll do my best to do the above...but are you saying it's off the table for us to adv ise you of the typical trajectories of MM/OW affairs, or to point out the ways in which your story conforms to those patterns? Look, I'll be fair and point out any issues on which your MM does NOT follow the disturbing patterns with which we "love doctors" are all too familiar.

 

I didn't join this site because I am questioning my decision.

It just seemed to me that you did.

Posted

Hi Pulse,

I'm with WhichWayIsUp about this one...it is 100% better to leave him to it - completely - until the D is final...no sex.

 

My situation is that I was briefly involved with a friend who I'd known for years...he had a long term G of 14yrs and he'd pursued me for about 7yrs - I'd never taken him seriously as c'mon...he already HAS a girlfriend! But we started working together last yr and he painted a real picture...he'd talked for years about leaving the G (seriously, years...so we'd all asked him for YEARS why he hadn't already ended it!) - and so he told me that it was really amazing for him that I liked him too, and he guaranteed me that it was 100% over and he was finishing it with the G - not because of me, because it should have been finished years ago. His story was that it couldn't finish for a couple of months because he was a groomsman and she was a bridesmaid at their best friends wedding (true) and he didnt want to cause unnecessary scandal before the big day n ruin it for everyone.

 

What happened? He chickened out. I gave him a fairly short but acceptable deadline and moved on the moment he showed he wasnt able to make it. Then he got nasty as his pride was so hurt...and his real nature showed up - cowardly, willing to save his own skin at the cost of hurting others, no backbone, etc...his TRUE self. Bear in mind I'd considered this guy to be a friend for years and that was the worst for me - that a so-called friend would act so badly towards me. He knows how much I hate the cheating he does on his G - if he was a stand up guy he'd have left the G years ago, but he isn't. Just really bear all this in mind...

 

If he is a good man, and wants to do the right thing, he'd be very receptive to cutting off the intimate ties with you until he's gotten a D. That's the honest thing to do and if he respects his W and kids he'll do it. It's only a little while away, according to his timeline, right? But if he gets really cold and funny about it - well...that would suggest he's a classic cake eater and will be pissed that you're ruining his fun.

 

Being an OW is NOT fun...although there are some negative people on here there are a lot of great people who talk straight - no sugar coating - but 100% want to help you. These kind of people helped me get out of my R with the loser xMM MUCH quicker than I probably would have done on my own (and if I hadn't stuckto that deadline he'd still totally be sweettalking me now and promising me things he couldn't deliver).

 

Good luck, keep posting, but keep an open mind - no matter what he promises you, he is a guy that would sleep with another woman behind his W's back, and at a time when his daughter is extremely ill...his W and daughters need him, yet he's still up for an A - so that gives you a big suggestion over what type of person he is. REALLY question what he tells you, OK, I'm not saying that to be negative but it'll save you a lot of heartache up the road if you question this whole scenario.

  • Author
Posted
Hi Pulse,

I'm with WhichWayIsUp about this one...it is 100% better to leave him to it - completely - until the D is final...no sex.

 

My situation is that I was briefly involved with a friend who I'd known for years...he had a long term G of 14yrs and he'd pursued me for about 7yrs - I'd never taken him seriously as c'mon...he already HAS a girlfriend! But we started working together last yr and he painted a real picture...he'd talked for years about leaving the G (seriously, years...so we'd all asked him for YEARS why he hadn't already ended it!) - and so he told me that it was really amazing for him that I liked him too, and he guaranteed me that it was 100% over and he was finishing it with the G - not because of me, because it should have been finished years ago. His story was that it couldn't finish for a couple of months because he was a groomsman and she was a bridesmaid at their best friends wedding (true) and he didnt want to cause unnecessary scandal before the big day n ruin it for everyone.

 

What happened? He chickened out. I gave him a fairly short but acceptable deadline and moved on the moment he showed he wasnt able to make it. Then he got nasty as his pride was so hurt...and his real nature showed up - cowardly, willing to save his own skin at the cost of hurting others, no backbone, etc...his TRUE self. Bear in mind I'd considered this guy to be a friend for years and that was the worst for me - that a so-called friend would act so badly towards me. He knows how much I hate the cheating he does on his G - if he was a stand up guy he'd have left the G years ago, but he isn't. Just really bear all this in mind...

 

If he is a good man, and wants to do the right thing, he'd be very receptive to cutting off the intimate ties with you until he's gotten a D. That's the honest thing to do and if he respects his W and kids he'll do it. It's only a little while away, according to his timeline, right? But if he gets really cold and funny about it - well...that would suggest he's a classic cake eater and will be pissed that you're ruining his fun.

 

Being an OW is NOT fun...although there are some negative people on here there are a lot of great people who talk straight - no sugar coating - but 100% want to help you. These kind of people helped me get out of my R with the loser xMM MUCH quicker than I probably would have done on my own (and if I hadn't stuckto that deadline he'd still totally be sweettalking me now and promising me things he couldn't deliver).

 

Good luck, keep posting, but keep an open mind - no matter what he promises you, he is a guy that would sleep with another woman behind his W's back, and at a time when his daughter is extremely ill...his W and daughters need him, yet he's still up for an A - so that gives you a big suggestion over what type of person he is. REALLY question what he tells you, OK, I'm not saying that to be negative but it'll save you a lot of heartache up the road if you question this whole scenario.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry things didn't work out for you but understand that the I have weighed the pros and cons and have made my decision. His daughter got ill last year and everyone in their circle including his wife know that their marriage is in name only. (his youngest started university abroad last year) I know people who knows the family and my conclusions have been supported.

Posted

it is VERY true that there will always be something on the horizon that keeps him at home... ie. a family wedding - the birth of a child etc... it's called life moving in forward motion and they will use these things as a reason to tell you he needs to extend the deadline...

  • Author
Posted
Y patterns with

 

 

It just seemed to me that you did.

 

How can you draw that conclusion? If I had cancer and I joined a support group why would I be there? To deal with the problems associated with cancer such as treatments, side effects, living with the disease etc. I joined this site because I know that there will be times when I feel somewhat frustrated or have issues relating to this type of relationship. However, it seems like I made a mistake as I only lurked briefly before joining. I have stop defending my decision with friends and family because they have seen that our relationship works and no longer think I'm wasting my time. I really don't want to keep defending my relationship, I want people to know that I have thought this through and I am willing to give him the time to sort things out!

Posted

Hi Pulse,

Don't be sorry it didn't work out for me, I had a truly lucky escape!!

 

My situation was very similar to yours in that every single person that knew the guy I was involved with - close friends, family, etc - all agreed that the R was totally dead in the water, and had been for years. They were all in support of his ending it with the G, as they were just such a bad match - it was even obvious to strangers, who would say: 'THEY'RE going out together?!' with a quizzical look on their face!!

 

But when it came to it - well, I think maybe security had a LOT to do with it, and that's a big reason why he wouldn't or couldn't leave his G. Bear in mind they werent even married, or had kids!

 

He even said at one point that I should be faithful as we were serious about eachother and it would be a matter of weeks before he'd ended it for good with his G. Yeah, right...!

 

And your guy wants you to be faithful 'til 2009? That's a lot of time, when he is sharing a life with a family. A couple of other things to consider: if the kids see their dad with a new woman, it would be extremely negative if they knew you 2 were having an A before the D, so there's another reason to step back until a better time...and if he is saying that losing millions in the D is a reason for holding back - well...the longer the A continues, the bigger the risk you 2 are found out, and the larger the check he'll have to pay at the D courts.

 

Not trying to put you down, or be negative at all - it would just be good for you to question this stuff in your own time, or ask him about it.

  • Author
Posted
Hi Pulse,

Don't be sorry it didn't work out for me, I had a truly lucky escape!!

 

My situation was very similar to yours in that every single person that knew the guy I was involved with - close friends, family, etc - all agreed that the R was totally dead in the water, and had been for years. They were all in support of his ending it with the G, as they were just such a bad match - it was even obvious to strangers, who would say: 'THEY'RE going out together?!' with a quizzical look on their face!!

 

But when it came to it - well, I think maybe security had a LOT to do with it, and that's a big reason why he wouldn't or couldn't leave his G. Bear in mind they werent even married, or had kids!

 

He even said at one point that I should be faithful as we were serious about eachother and it would be a matter of weeks before he'd ended it for good with his G. Yeah, right...!

 

And your guy wants you to be faithful 'til 2009? That's a lot of time, when he is sharing a life with a family. A couple of other things to consider: if the kids see their dad with a new woman, it would be extremely negative if they knew you 2 were having an A before the D, so there's another reason to step back until a better time...and if he is saying that losing millions in the D is a reason for holding back - well...the longer the A continues, the bigger the risk you 2 are found out, and the larger the check he'll have to pay at the D courts.

 

 

Not trying to put you down, or be negative at all - it would just be good for you to question this stuff in your own time, or ask him about it.

 

 

I meant sorry for the heartbreak and disappointment, but I'm happy you were able to break free of a manipulative man. I made the decision to sleep with one partner as there are too many STDS plus AIDS out there. We have both been tested and we use a condom at all times; at least if he I catch something I know where it came from. The deadline was stated by me because that is the right time (ideally)for me to be married and start a family. The situation I'm in is quite common in the country where I live (within upper middle and upper class) and there are many wealthy men who stay in a marriage for financial reasons while both parties leads separate lives. That was his situation, but he has decided to end it in the near future. I will not end this relationship until he has broken his word or I find that we are not compatible. I know many people who are in relationships with unattached men, but are in misery and I'm happy, so I will not end this until he proves that he isn't worth my time; so far he has not in my eyes and that's all that matters. I recognize and he knows that I know, I have options! Thanks for the advice!

Posted

Hi, welcome to the forum.

 

I have nothing better to advise but please make sure that you constantly keep reality in check before your deadline approaches.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years back. When I was 24 I was in love with a MM, who was 20 year older than me. The affair went on for 6 years. He never mentioned his wife (but kids yes sometimes) I always had him three weekdays and Saturdays. We went on overseas vacations twice every year. We hang out with his close friends. We even visited his brother and stayed with his brother's family (married with one kid) twice in another country. I lived in a place where he bought (under my name) Every valentine's day he sent me flowers in person. Every birthday he gave me expensive gifts. I got pregnant with his baby third year into our relationship but I chose not to keep the baby, even though he offered to send me abroad to give birth to the child.... the only thing that's different is that I never asked him to divorce his wife for me.

 

So six years passed and I think I had enough. I went overseas for 2.5 years so I can move on. And I did. But now I have serious problems when it comes to dating. There are contactly men hitting on me and I've dated a few of them. But NO ONE is good enough for me. No one is as good as my MM. Because of the age difference, and the guilty that the MM had for not being able to give me a family, he spoiled me. No one can ever treat me the way he did to me. No one has a life experience like his. No other BF can support me financially the way he did (yes he's very rich) No one can take me out to nice restaurants like we used to.... Among those who I've dated afterwards, one of them is 16 years older than me .... another MM. This time it ended badly.

 

Set moral issues aside... after all, I am not you, and I don't know what really is going on with your MM's marriage. It could be a picture perfect marriage; or a broken one. I am not here to judge. But for youself, you need to make sure you won't be heartbroken when things do not go the way you expect. Make sure your values towards marriage and relationship will remain healthy, no matter what happens in the end - mine is pretty much distorted and I am trying hard to make it right.

 

Good luck.

Posted

Hi..You will find differing OPs about your A on this forum. Although the name f the forum is OW/OM...All members are free to post..as long as it is kept relatively respectful and supportive, however harsh that support may be..

 

I am a BS..my H cheated for a very long time, 10 years..we too, have been M for 21 years..Our kids are not as old as his are, but our son is in a health crises, as is your MM's...So, I know from experience that this can and is true in some cases. Hope she gets better soon. For obvious reasons, I am against A's but I try to understand and advise as objectively as possible. Sometimes, a poster really knows how to get under my skin and it gets the better of me...but this is not often the case, I think...

 

It's great that you have set a deadline. It sounds like he is really treating you well, and you are really used to living well with his assistance. Make sure you finish grad school so that you have something to fall back on should the need arise. If you don't actually SEE a copy of the notarized D papers in his hand after his W has been served, I would NOT continue the R..And this should be done on or before your deadline. Don't fall for the excuses that they so often give. It's easy to b/c you have genuine feelings for him and feel that you all are soul mates. Remember, you do NOT Know what his is telling his W..He could be telling HER that she is her soul mate...It doesn't sound like he spends alot of time at home, but again, you don't know what he's told his family..

 

Good luck to you...Hope your deadline comes and goes and you all are together as you seem to want...

  • Author
Posted
Hi, welcome to the forum.

 

I have nothing better to advise but please make sure that you constantly keep reality in check before your deadline approaches.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years back. When I was 24 I was in love with a MM, who was 20 year older than me. The affair went on for 6 years. He never mentioned his wife (but kids yes sometimes) I always had him three weekdays and Saturdays. We went on overseas vacations twice every year. We hang out with his close friends. We even visited his brother and stayed with his brother's family (married with one kid) twice in another country. I lived in a place where he bought (under my name) Every valentine's day he sent me flowers in person. Every birthday he gave me expensive gifts. I got pregnant with his baby third year into our relationship but I chose not to keep the baby, even though he offered to send me abroad to give birth to the child.... the only thing that's different is that I never asked him to divorce his wife for me.

 

So six years passed and I think I had enough. I went overseas for 2.5 years so I can move on. And I did. But now I have serious problems when it comes to dating. There are contactly men hitting on me and I've dated a few of them. But NO ONE is good enough for me. No one is as good as my MM. Because of the age difference, and the guilty that the MM had for not being able to give me a family, he spoiled me. No one can ever treat me the way he did to me. No one has a life experience like his. No other BF can support me financially the way he did (yes he's very rich) No one can take me out to nice restaurants like we used to.... Among those who I've dated afterwards, one of them is 16 years older than me .... another MM. This time it ended badly.

 

Set moral issues aside... after all, I am not you, and I don't know what really is going on with your MM's marriage. It could be a picture perfect marriage; or a broken one. I am not here to judge. But for youself, you need to make sure you won't be heartbroken when things do not go the way you expect. Make sure your values towards marriage and relationship will remain healthy, no matter what happens in the end - mine is pretty much distorted and I am trying hard to make it right.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and I can definitely relate to everyone falling short because of the way your EMM treated you! The man I got engaged to three yrs ago was able to measure up financially to my SO and he was older because I am attracted to older men, but we were not compatible. I could have married him none the less but I decided to break it off because I knew I would have been heartbroken in a few yrs; It wouldn't work.

 

If at the end of my studies, we are not married or engaged with a set date and wedding plans, trust me girl I'm out of this and I intend to live abroad if only to get away from him and maintain NC. I have plans for my life and I know what I want and that includes a family of my own, not to spend the rest of my life with a MM. I have made it abundantly clear to him, so he knows that the clock is ticking. At present, my focus is on my studies and I am watching for signs of cheating (OW)or change of heart on his part.

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Hi..You will find differing OPs about your A on this forum. Although the name f the forum is OW/OM...All members are free to post..as long as it is kept relatively respectful and supportive, however harsh that support may be..

 

I am a BS..my H cheated for a very long time, 10 years..we too, have been M for 21 years..Our kids are not as old as his are, but our son is in a health crises, as is your MM's...So, I know from experience that this can and is true in some cases. Hope she gets better soon. For obvious reasons, I am against A's but I try to understand and advise as objectively as possible. Sometimes, a poster really knows how to get under my skin and it gets the better of me...but this is not often the case, I think...

 

It's great that you have set a deadline. It sounds like he is really treating you well, and you are really used to living well with his assistance. Make sure you finish grad school so that you have something to fall back on should the need arise. If you don't actually SEE a copy of the notarized D papers in his hand after his W has been served, I would NOT continue the R..And this should be done on or before your deadline. Don't fall for the excuses that they so often give. It's easy to b/c you have genuine feelings for him and feel that you all are soul mates. Remember, you do NOT Know what his is telling his W..He could be telling HER that she is her soul mate...It doesn't sound like he spends alot of time at home, but again, you don't know what he's told his family..

 

Good luck to you...Hope your deadline comes and goes and you all are together as you seem to want...

 

I appreciate your response and I admire the fact that though you have been cheated on you are able to remain objective. I'm sorry that you had to experience cheating and I know it must be hard to deal with. I have considered his W's feelings and as far as I can tell she has been having a separate life as well and so I don't feel responsible for the breakdown of their marriage. He has never blamed her for his indiscretion. He has stated that they grew apart and have different goals, they have gone to counseling in the past, but couldn't find their way back to each other and trust me he does not absolve himself of any fault he has played in the breakdown of the marriage. His main concern is his children and I know they come before me which is acceptable and as such I'm willing to wait until his youngest is through with her treatment.

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Hi Pulse,

 

 

and if he is saying that losing millions in the D is a reason for holding back - well...the longer the A continues, the bigger the risk you 2 are found out, and the larger the check he'll have to pay at the D courts.

 

Not trying to put you down, or be negative at all - it would just be good for you to question this stuff in your own time, or ask him about it.

 

We are not hiding, everyone except his daughters who live abroad knows about us; including his W. He was at my place for three weeks covering Christmas and New yrs and I know his W was in town, because she spent Christmas day with her family who lives a few miles from my house. She even appeared in a picture of the social section of the local newspaper at a New Years Eve Ball so I know she was not at home feeling depressed. I know this because I did my own investigation, not relying on his word alone.

Posted

I'm sorry, not sure I completely understand - But his wife DOES know about you nd the affair?

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