Tangerina Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I've been with my BF for 4 months now and things are great and deep and we are both really into this and into each other. As he would say, "It's pretty magical." The problem is that we are both graduating in December 2007 and then I'm sticking around town until August 2008 then moving to a bigger city for jobs and grad school. He will either move right away to a big city, stick around a few months then move, or go into Peace Corps and move to Africa for 2 years. On top of all this I am going to spend my last quarter (Sept-Dec 2007) in Greece. My problem is that I am having a hard time growing closer to him without wondering if all this turmoil means that this relationship has no future. If it was just the moving to new cities stuff, I wouldn't feel worried because of course things are never certain, that is just life and we would either make it work if we wanted to or it wouldn't work and so it goes. But the very real possibility that he will be in Africa this time next year, thus killing any potential this relationship has, makes me feel afraid to get attached and this thought is always secretly in the back of my mind. On top of that, I'm not sure if he sees me going away to Greece for 11 weeks as a deal breaker but I feel really hesitant to bring it up in those terms since it is still 5 months away and it is still so early in our relationship, but that is preying on my mind as well. I will bring it up eventually at an appropriate time, but right now I'm just trying to overcome my own insecurities about going away, because I feel like the fear of separation is my own problem. How do I just enjoy what I have and lose my fear of growing closer, which is the only way we will figure out how much this relationship is worth, anyways. How do I let go of worry in the face of the fact that both of our desires to travel could be the death of any potential this relationship has? I made a similar post and got no replies, I think because it was too long winded so I am posting again with just the core issue because I really need advice from someone outside my circle. Any personal experiences or opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated! I just don't know how to deal with this situation emotionally and I feel like in past relationships when faced with similar things I really missed out because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and afraid to get attached.
johan Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I think your trepidation is justified. You have a lot at stake, and it's becoming worse as you get more attached. I don't know how you deal with it. I think you need to be honest with yourself and him about it. Maybe it would help to hear what he's been thinking about it, but chances are he's just as confused as you. As far as love goes, I think practical matters rarely win out over emotions. So you're probably going to choose to suffer it out until the emotions cause something to break either way. I know it's torment for you. Hang in there!
pelagicsands Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I made a similar post and got no replies, I guess I wasn't around to at least give you a silly one. I screwed up a relationship by always obsessing about the future. Will it work out? Will it work out? Will it work out? Sure, it is an important consideration, but remember that we all live in the present. And worrying about the future can stop you from giving freely of yourself today. For a great "bonding" experience, why not consider anal sex?
Author Tangerina Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Wow, it really helps to talk about this with someone, even if just to validate my feelings. Johan, thanks, for some reason that makes me feel better. And I think you are right, I think he is just as confused... we both talk about our respective futures and travel plans a lot but go out of our way to avoid mentioning they might have an affect on the relationship, and avoid talking like it is valid to factor in the relationship. It is just a bit too early to talk about that stuff but I'm pretty sure we are both thinking it. Like I'm at my parent's house for a few days so we were IMing today and he mentioned me going to Greece and I said a few things about how it will be a really amazing life changing experience and his reply was "yeah, I don't think you can do something that epic and not be affected by it. I want to do something really epic someday, but right now I'm just looking forward to this summer!" I think we are both trying to focus on the present really hard, but I know at least in my mind the future is nagging. pelagicsands: I totally know what you mean because I had a relationship like that and it sucked, and after it was over all the worrying seemed so unnecessary because we were so bad for each other it should have "not worked out" even sooner. I really don't want to waste my energy on that sort of thing in this situation, because I've never been in such a healthy, functional relationship before and I don't wanna mess it up! LOL, anal sex. For reasons of his own this guy is not really into doing anal and since it falls on my list of "sure I'll do it if I like you, but I'll probably not ask for it" it is kind of out of the picture, lol. It is such a contrast to my last boyfriend who wanted it all of the time and wanted me to talk dirty about it every time we had sex...
pelagicsands Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 It is such a contrast to my last boyfriend who wanted it all of the time and wanted me to talk dirty about it every time we had sex... I still have no idea why we broke up. I'm happy for you, though.
Island Girl Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 First - 4 months is still relatively new and you should relax and just enjoy how it progresses. Two - 11 weeks is not a long time at all, so going to Greece isn't anything to worry about if it is indeed still magical at that point. Three - going to Africa for 2 years will put a strain on the relationship. Distance is tough but it is endurable if you are both willing. I am in a LDR and, although there problems because of the distance, we both handle it pretty well and are deeply committed to our relationship. I hope you just relax and just go with it. Let the relationship grow and develop how it is going to without stressing about the "what ifs". THAT is the worst thing that you can do. So much hasn't happened yet. The trip to Greece will be a wonderful experience for you and when the trip comes I hope you immerse yourself in it. If he loves you, he'll want the same thing for you. As for the rest of it (Africa, etc.) just let it unfold. Life is best when you take things as they come. Otherwise you miss a lot of the enjoyment of the good parts while you are worrying about things that may never even happen.
pelagicsands Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I hope you just relax and just go with it. Don't worry... she's pretty experienced in that "department." She knows what she's doing. Lucky guy. Let the relationship grow and develop how it is going to without stressing about the "what ifs". I wish I could tell myself this, retrospectively. Great advice.
Author Tangerina Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Thanks Island Girl, that is really lovely, helpful advice. I heart LS, it is just so helpful to get outside input to shake up the spirals you can get stuck in in your own head. You are totally right about just letting stuff happen, and as for 11 weeks away, yeah, if we feel then how we feel now I don't think either of us could justify separating. As for two whole years? I mean, we aren't faced with that so we can't really know, but I think for both of us it would be a deal breaker... not to say we would never be friends or lovers again in the future but for a variety of reasons I don't think either of us could/would be able to hang on that long in those circumstances. LOL again pelagicsands.
tashsih Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I see your points-damn Well, I dont think 11wks away is a deal breaker. In my experence- time away when it's still so fresh is hard at the time but when you come home you guys won't stop smiling for another 11 wks.
Author Tangerina Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 yeah, I think I need to just stop sweating it about Greece... I mean, we have talked before about not being into long distance relationships which is what made me think he might not be into it, but that isn't even an LDR, that is me taking a long vacation. If an 11 week separation is enough to kill a relationship I don't think I want that relationship. I think it will cause doubts for both of us, but this guy is for real and if everything else is working out with us I don't think he would see it as a big problem. As for moving to big cities, we both probably want to stay on the West Coast, meaning we both have the same 2-4 cities in mind so if we really want to make it work at that point we could just move to one of them together. I feel a lot better after getting an outside perspective, though knowing me I will still worry about it from time to time, especially if it comes up in conversation in some way and reminds me that I feel weird about it. I just know I want to travel some but I am really committed to living and working in the region where I grew up. I want to go into sustainable community development consulting and environmental science and for those things it is really important to connect with a place and work to make it better. He has fewer roots here, partly because of being from a crappy part of the state and though he really loves where we are now he just doesn't feel as connected because of his crappy hometown and dysfunctional family life and where my response to the appalling political situation in this country is to hold my ground and do what I can to make it better he sees moving to a far far away country as a perfectly viable option. Also, even though he will have his master's degree in math he has admitted that if he just goes and gets a good job without doing something like Peace Corps he will feel really guilty because he grew up so poor and worked his way out of it pretty much all on his own and now he has opportunities that none of his family members ever had and it makes him feel guilty.
Author Tangerina Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 I'm going to talk to him today, wish me luck! I think I'm blowing this way out of proportion, but I've been in relationships where one person had a "cut off date" in mind and I promised I would never do that again because it always ends up messed up. This guy is a good one though, but at the same time I know he isn't very open to long distance so I think that is why I am worried. In my mind spending 11 weeks apart for a trip isn't long distance because I'm coming back, but two years apart is. I've thought a lot and I feel like I need to talk to him about Greece and that it is justifiable to make this about 'us' because it is about whether we can survive a big vacation apart or not. I'll be back on a set day and I'll have some wonderful new experiences, but I'll still be the same me with the same life. I feel like his decision whether or not to go to Peace Corps transcends any single relationship or feature of his life and is about the overall direction he wants to take his life and although I'm part of his life and as such will either directly or indirectly figure into his decision, it is all about him pursuing what is right for him. He won't go away for two years and come back and have the same life in any way. When I go away for 10 weeks I'll come back to a secure situation living with my same friends, he is the only factor that I don't explicitly know is secure. But I feel that if he decides to move to a foreign country with little out side contact for 2 years that is such a big thing overall that although it makes me feel worried about getting close sometimes, it is just one of those important life things that may or may not even happen and I'll deal with it emotionally when we get there.
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