Michael Waldon Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I've done it before, but I can't say I really know how i did it. Right now, there's just a girl who 1. I can't be with (because of some things going on in her life that make her unwilling to pursue a relationship for a while, period) 2. Likely has a completely different communication/relationship style than me. She's kind of avoidant, and I like to be communicative. 3. has sort of intimated that I blew my chance (she was incredibly into me, and I was...a jerk, basically) I mean, I know HOW to get over someone. sort of. You start meeting new people, and you hopefully meet someone who makes you forget. but what if this person is a big part of your life (in my case, a very good friend)? What if you encounter this person somehow every day? We still get along well, but I see her with other guys, and it's just...painful. What can I do about that?
Tangerina Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Hi there, I'm sure others will give you a whole lot of specific helpful advice, but I just want to put it out there that YOU WILL GET OVER IT! Trust me, it just takes time, but you will get over it. The first time I had to get over someone it seemed like the hardest thing in the world. The second time I was so mad that I had to go through it again. But each time you lose a friend or a lover or someone dies you go through the process and it is just as hard but as you get older you learn from past experiences that you got over it then and you will eventually get over this one.
WhiteKnight Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Well the basic way to get over someone, as in a lover. I would seek friends for emotional support and get them to guide me in a way that I could see the light. Next, I would consider to be in No Contact with the ex for a period of time before we could try and act like friends again. Followed by, keeping yourself distracted from chatting with them constantly i.e playing computer games (either online or offline - and if there are some games you used to play online with them previously, either act neutral or don't be around when they are there). Have some breathing space, you need it after the break up. You would go with the "As Ifs" sayings for a period of time and I believe you will end up accepting that 'the past is the past' based on... 'she/he left you...' Sometimes you can reflect it all, and be thankful for the loving experience you once had and in some ways you could see later on down the track it had made you into a better person. I agree with what Tangerina has said, past experiences of getting over either a lover, friend or family member will always occur to you but the result is that it helps you grow in the end.
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Michael Waldon, I think the only way is time. Finding someone new isn't the right way in my opinion, I've done that and all it does is cause a vicious cycle. I found and just lost the man I believe is the love of my life, you can read my earlier threads for the story. I am now in the process of trying to move on, it's a struggle, some days I don't want to live, today's one of those days.
bchlvr Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 I believe that taking time out and nc are our greatest allies. And what I mean by time is this: taking the time to really start detaching from your ex, to feel like you are well on your way toward healing from your last relationship before getting seriously involved in a new one. Many times over, I have tried to move on from one break-up by getting involved with someone else. But in reality, I've been trying to move-on and distract myself from me. For years, I've done all I can to avoid my fear and the pain of being alone. Moving on, I think, is about creating emotional detachment from your ex so that you can be emotionally available to someone new. It's also not about anxiously finding someone new in order to run away from painful feelings when unattached.
Trialbyfire Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Moving on, I think, is about creating emotional detachment from your ex so that you can be emotionally available to someone new. It's also not about anxiously finding someone new in order to run away from painful feelings when unattached. Exactly. I'm anti-rebound. You don't ever become independent when you use other relationships to bridge off of. If anything, you do a disservice to both you and more importantly, the other person. You owe each person as much of yourself as you can give while maintaining equal footing within the new relationship.
Author Michael Waldon Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 what do you do if she's seeing your friend? I'm in such a bad position that I really don't know what to do. I just got done with some serious self-renovation, which involved a lot of alone time, and I just don't have the social circle that I did. the two of them are two of my better friends, and right now there just are not many others. I try my best to avoid them, but then I get lonely. and so i can't, and then I talk to them, and then they mention eachother, and the pain is right back again. I feel like I'm just repeatedly trading one kind of discomfort for the other. What do I do?
AFarAwayPlace Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 They could show you some consideration and not talk about each other to you, that's very rude and ignorant of your fresh pain, all you can do is tell them you can't deal with it right now and don't want to hear about it. I also think it's time for new friends.
WhiteKnight Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 what do you do if she's seeing your friend? Sounds like me before in your situation. Here's how I dealt with it. Well the thing is with that, if you are experiencing your EX seeing one of your friends and taken an interest in the person. I would rather just cut all ties in secrecy if... Either: - The 'relationship has started between them - Your EX acts all emo or weird on you. Treats you like you mean worthless to her - Your emotions are getting to the best of you, and your feelings is going to really hurt you To be honest, you would be better just making new friends and walk away from you EX. If your ex truly cared about you, she would act like so. Sadly you would also have to accept that she doesn't want you as her lover anymore and most likely she would like to have you as a good friend. Good friendships with ex's never start off very easily and believe me, I just found it very easy to just pick up and leave for as long as you want. You are in control of your feelings, heart and mind, most importantly your health. Do what's right for you. If I were you in your shoes, I would have no choice but to force myself to let go of the EX and move on. Even if it means leaving your friends behind in order to make new ones. Don't even say 'Goodbye' to those involved, just walk away. Stay clearly away and never come back. Change your contact details if you have to have you mind very clear on things. What your friends are doing is provoking you to be jealous and you seem to be falling into their trap. I suggest that you do your best not to fall for it, don't give into your emotions about the girl. Try to care less about it and just leave them alone. Good friends are very hard to come by, even if they knew who you were attached with before. Had that happened to me a few times but am I really friends with them is the point? Take a guess on what happened to me. I just pretend to nod or respond in a neutral way, then I realised that I never cool be friends again and just walked away from them and cut all ties with no argument. Nothing at all. If you ever get lonely, you are not alone. You have good friends around here who are willing to help you get through this. Distract yourself with music, movies or something that you like to try and start anew. Go for it, do your best to forget the past. You were left behind, now you are emotional and need help. Do your best to overcome it and just let go of the pain and just leave the past and focus on yourself. Put yourself before anyone else bro, good luck XD
vivrantflo Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Don't just let go of your ex, let go of that "friend" too.. I NEVER understood this, and I've seen it in so many situations.. How can one of your boys go for your ex???? That's so messed up it angers me.. Isn't there a guy code to be followed? Or even a code with your friends? If one of my boys had a girl, RIGHT THERE she's put into sister mode. Any of my boys' girls I consider my sister.. no matter how beautiful or sexy they are. If they were to break up, going after them would be the LAST thing on my mind. I really don't get that.. and your ex... going for your buddy...she's showing ZERO consideration for you, and her actions would piss me off if I were in your shoes.. Cut them both off. The girl, she's just being selfish and inconsiderate.. your friend, is NOT a friend, if he's putting his d!ck before his own buddy's feelings. It hurts now I know, but let time pass without talking to any of these two. Since they dont respect you or your feelings, you'll find it easier to do without them in your life.. sorry to hear about this man, but you'll be alright
Trialbyfire Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 3. has sort of intimated that I blew my chance (she was incredibly into me, and I was...a jerk, basically) I'm not sure why everyone's crapping on this girl. Refer to the OPs own words... Overall, in your situation OP, if you can't handle hearing about it, time to move on and find new friends. You can't expect both of your friends to tiptoe around your needs.
vivrantflo Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Trialbyfire.. so you think it was classy of this woman to go for his buddy?? Come on.. he didnt come on here to have people defend his ex.. he came here for support.. he shouldn't HAVE to deal with that relationship in the first place. what his buddy did was wrong.. even if the break up was his fault. Micheal, between friends, there should be some loyalty there, and this guy is showing you none. Put yourself first now, and cut these two out of you life. No matter what anyone on here says, your boy is a senseless, selfish jerk, and shouldnt go for your ex. There are so many women out there, he shouldnt be going for someone you had a recent relationship with
Trialbyfire Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Who said anything about being classy? I suspect she's got reason to do it. Also, why would his male best friend be willing to go for her? It doesn't mean that either one of these people are classy but there's rarely honour amongst thieves. People hardly ever have one motivation.
WhiteKnight Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 It depends on what the situation is most likely. Sounds like that the girl had fallen in with Michael's friend. Take it from the friends side of the argument, his feeling had developed for the girl and is quite mutual. Although a lot of people would not want that to happen by falling in love with one of their friends intentionally without any sign of honor or loyalty or any kind of valuing the friendship with you. Pretty much they just 'ditched you' and don't care about your feelings anymore. So in theory, you should ditch them back and leave them entirely. Say nothing about it, say nothing about what you heard because you can let those people guess what they did to hurt you and soon realise it was too late to fix the friendship. Just to stay away from those people and make more new friends, change any of your contact details and don't keep in touch with your EX or the friend that was involved. If you really want to be friends with her, just leave for a long period of time and give it enough time for yourself to heal and move onto a new relationship with someone who truly is loyal and cares about you.
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