sweetbutcheeky Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I don't think I am expecting too much out of a guy. I just want a guy who is attentive (calls frequently to show his interest and to keep in touch), respectful (doesn't say he will spend the day with me and not show until 8pm or not at all) as well as affectionate, smart and has a sense of humor. Of course there are things you can't know ahead of time like chemistry and so on. I am really frustrated with the guy I am dating. Yes he is a lot better than the guys I have gone out with in a LONG time (which may be sad) but I am not happy right now and am wondering if it's me or he just isn't meant to be. When we first started dating (for the first 2 months I would say) he would call me almost every day, asked me out and would be on time 90% of the time. Now he calls not as often (maybe 3 or 3 days) and for our last 3 or 4 for dates he has been hours late. But when he does call and I see him he is happy to talk and be with me. I am tired of being disappointed after looking forward to spending the time together and the day is gone he arrives and we have maybe 2 hours left or like Friday he was so late that he didn't have enough time to make it here before work that night. Of course there are other things that are soo good which is why I am still seeing him. I am wondering now though how I am I seeing him id we don't get quality time or time at all? When we are spending time together though or talking on the phone it feels like we are perfect for each other. But then few days go by things come up again, I look forward to him coming over for the day and he is hours late and tries to make it for at least an hour but the bus take to long and can't make it at all. (though I told him not to bother coming for just an hour before the bus) I told him we need to talk because I am not happy but haven't had any private time to do so. He sent me a txt asking why I am mad. I told him that I am frustrated because I am tired of being disappointed because of looking forward to spending time with him and it being cut down to 2 -3 hours not at all. He hasn't responded and I won't be able to call with privacy until tomorrow. (sharing a apartment for a month with my mum and thin walls)
Enema Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Why is he late? You seem quite needy. What are You bringing to this relationship?
Tangerina Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 It sounds like if his lateness is the only big problem he just might be one of those people who is chronically late. My first long term BF was one of those and I mist admit I have a mild case myself. If his lateness is part of a larger trend of not being interested or invested in the relationship then you could have problems, but if he is just chronically late it may be something you just have to put up with if you want to be with him. I don't mean don't talk to him about it and let him know it bothers you, but do it calmly and matter of factly, with as few words as possible. Heck, next time he is more than an hour late I would call his cell and tell him since he didn't show up you decided to (go out with a friend, go to a yoga class, go to a movie, etc) and that you'd love to make plans for another time. I bet he wouldn't be late that next time! Don't say it in a mean vindictive way, but just to show him (and yourself!) that your time is valuable to you, that you have a a life apart from him, and that you aren't going to just wait around if he is rude to you. Also, check out the book Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherry Argov. I'm not really one for relationship advice books and little games and all that, but this book is an invaluable resource on how to talk to men so they will listen and how to get in touch with your own life and not make everything about your relationship. It helped me more than I can say. Good luck.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 It's always something. Sleeping and thought his cell would wake him but was in the car, ran into an old friend who offered him a job, bank called and needed him to bring in some info. But he isn't even an hour late, I mean 3 - 5 hours. Well I dunno what it looks like from reading what i wrote from another perspective, but people I know say I'm not. All I really want from him right now is to act like he used too. Call me every day or so, because he wanted to. Don't get this confused with me asking him to call me all the time or something like that. And I want him to be on time and follow through with our plans. Is that too much to ask? Maybe I am wrong but wanting a guy who shows interest, affectionate, respectful, smart and has a sense of humor isn't unreasonable. I have been all that I ask for in a guy to him and supportive in all that he has been working on, plus way too understanding with being late and not calling me to let me know what has happened.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Thanks Tangerina, Last time he showed up at 8pm when we planned for 7 hours earlier i talked to him about it. But same thing happened again. I did tell him if he tries harder (since he said it's a problem he has had all his life. though has been more or less on time for the first 2 months of us dating!) and I would try and remind him and so on. Well when there is always an excuse I'm not sure why he says it's a time issue if it's the bank's fault and so on. True if the lateness stopped (or extreme where the day is gone) then it would be good because no matter how I feel if he is so late that we only have an hour or 2 or is so late he can't make it at all. We aren't getting any time together anyway. Next time I am going to say you plan the date, maybe that will help with knowing what he has time for and if he is late I will call and say I am going out with a friend.
Woman Whisperer Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Sweetbutcheeky, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I'll tell you something truthful about men. He's behaving like that because he's not very much into you and he can't raise the courage to say so. Asking him about it might not bring out the truth either, because sometimes it's hard for a man tell tell her this sort of thing. It's hard to do. You're getting advice from women on how to discipline him that I doubt you could really do and and it won't work on him if you did. He'll see it as nagging and you'll be sadder than you are now. You need to care for youself and stop seeing him. Not to manipulate or train him ... but just for you. Do you like yourself? Then be with youself for a while. Or go find another.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 You know I would think the same thing I was reading someone else type my message. What confuses me is the difference between when we are together and the other times when I am unhappy. When we are together he is attentive, caring, open doors, cooks for me and are close and shows that he want to be with me. Is affectionate and holds out his hand for me to take in public and so on. But then there is the other side and the change in him compared to how he was before (1st 2 months). Going from calling almost every day to 2 or 3 days and hardly making out dates. How can he be both? I know I won't be happy if it continues, but is confusing because I don't want to leave the person who is totally there when we are together. Worried that if I do leave it's a mistake.
Tangerina Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Sounds like if you don't want to/shouldn't let go yet you need to withdraw a bit and reclaim your own life and time. Not as a manipulative thing but so you feel more steady in yourself for yourself. Chances are in doing so he will see your confidence and feel less pressure and also feel a little unsure because you will not be needy and he will try harder to please you to make himself needed.
Trialbyfire Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 It's because there's no consequences for his actions. If you keep allowing him to continue this lack of respect, why wouldn't he continue it? Draw your line in the sand and explain your expectations to him in an assertive, calm manner. Let him know the consequences of each of his actions. If he continues, pull the trigger and above all...stick to it...
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Well I told him that I wasn't happy, why and I needed to talk to him (left him a phone message because I couldn't get a hold of him). And this is what he sent in an email: "So good of you to call with that info that's nice. I'm sorry that I disappoint you with not having a lot of time with you... Maybe it is better this way I start a new job tomorrow. well I felt it only proper to leave this note well I have to get up for work tomorrow have a good night and best of luck." He obviously doesn't get it or doesn't want to. That it wasn't that he didn't have time, he did he just chose not to make it on time. He would have the whole day and say he is coming over and still be so late that he didn't make it until 8pm. Seemed that very easy for him to say ok see ya have a good life just cause I said I wasn't happy with one problem. (first one I have said anything about) So if he will give up on being with me that easy, no fighting for me or willing to work anything out then I don't want him. I know if I said oh i was just over reacting and it's all fine he would go back to the way things were and not end it, but I don't want that. Now it's just put me in a hard place because I didn't really want to date anymore when I met him, had just ended dating someone who again treated me badly like the many before. So I didn't want to do that again but when he came along he acted the opposite to the way any guy did before so I couldn't help wanting to give him a try and had been dating for 4 months. So now since he turned out to be like the others, disrespected me and obviously didn't care about me. Leaves me in a bad place. Obviously am going to take time for myself but I do want to find someone. But my trust was warn out before I met him, never mind now.
tashsih Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 you need sometime to yourself like me I think weve both gotten too caught up in we and us and not I I rememeber my last relationship where I thought that I couldnt take it when left me but when I picked myself up and got out there had some fun with friend and by myself movies shopping etc etc i felt independent and strong ... maybe im getting too far into my stuff but what i mean is that i you need know that you can be there for yourself and have fun without anyone there before you can have a balanced relationship
tashsih Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Sounds like if you don't want to/shouldn't let go yet you need to withdraw a bit and reclaim your own life and time. Not as a manipulative thing but so you feel more steady in yourself for yourself. Chances are in doing so he will see your confidence and feel less pressure and also feel a little unsure because you will not be needy and he will try harder to please you to make himself needed. i love this reply and a question... trial by fire: how would you do that? i mean, if you say point blank what ur doing/saying is hurting me and they dont stop how do you draw a line w/o saying stop or its over i personally always forgive and give in !
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Thanks Tashsih, I know I said it right after but I didn't mean I wanted someone right now. Right now I want time for me and I actually do, do all the things you mentioned even more so now that I moved and I closer to my friends and in the city. I just meant eventually and in life I do want to be with someone. I haven't been searching, last 2 guys for example found me. (now I just with that they hadn't) I don't need him or to be with someone to enjoy myself, I have done that on my own with or without someone. When it does come along I just don't think that I can let it in because even before this guy I was pushed too far.
Hugh_950 Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Dear SBC, The man WAS inconsiderate and I'm telling you as a man, his reaction to your VM was from a man who doesn't get it. His reaction was all about himself, which is all he does get. Anyway ... you already know this, you do. Even better, you're attitude and the way you're handling this is so cool! It's great! I see showing in your postings some sweetness, warmth and balance in you - I think you're still ready for a good guy when he comes along. If I were there, I'd be ringing your door bell with flowers and candy. Not that I'm claiming to be a good guy - just that you're a catch! Hang in there beautiful!
Trialbyfire Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 i love this reply and a question... trial by fire: how would you do that? i mean, if you say point blank what ur doing/saying is hurting me and they dont stop how do you draw a line w/o saying stop or its over i personally always forgive and give in ! The longer you wait to stand firm, the worse it gets. People are people and if you continue to be a doormat, you're the one who will be taking the consequences for their lack of respect and selfishness. Having said that, don't sweat the small stuff. If your b/f doesn't put the whites in the white side of the laundry, well, it's not a deal-breaker. IF he chooses to make you wait 6 hours for him with no phone call or message of why he's going to be late, it's simply not acceptable. In a situation of this nature, get assertive. Tell him that this is unacceptable behaviour and that you will not tolerate it. The next time this happens, get coldly angry, angry enough for him to understand that the next time is the last time. The next time it happens, pull the trigger. Sayonara... It's a three-step process of giving someone more than enough time to get their act together. If they continue to ignore it, it's not the lateness that's an issue, it's their complete disdain for your needs. If that person is that selfish, they're not worth any further time or effort on your part.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted May 2, 2007 Author Posted May 2, 2007 Dear SBC, The man WAS inconsiderate and I'm telling you as a man, his reaction to your VM was from a man who doesn't get it. His reaction was all about himself, which is all he does get. Anyway ... you already know this, you do. Even better, you're attitude and the way you're handling this is so cool! It's great! I see showing in your postings some sweetness, warmth and balance in you - I think you're still ready for a good guy when he comes along. If I were there, I'd be ringing your door bell with flowers and candy. Not that I'm claiming to be a good guy - just that you're a catch! Hang in there beautiful! Thank you Hugh, that was very sweet of you to say.
jcster Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 "So good of you to call with that info that's nice. I'm sorry that I disappoint you with not having a lot of time with you... Maybe it is better this way I start a new job tomorrow. well I felt it only proper to leave this note well I have to get up for work tomorrow have a good night and best of luck." Ummm - it really sounds like you guys are broken up. People don't say "maybe it's better this way" and sign off with "best of luck" and expect to talk to you the next day. Have you spoken with him since? I think you need to stick a fork in this one - cause it's done. Sorry.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 Actually I have, turns out there was a misunderstanding on his part which happened between him getting my phone message and his email. He got my message saying I was unhappy and why, then saw on msn a song I was listening to and thought it was a headline I had written. Since the song was "Why do all good things come to an end" by Nelly Furtado, he took that as a direct message to him of me blowing him off. So his email was him wishing me the best of luck after me already kicking him to the curb. He called and asked if I had the setting on my msn to show the song and said he thought it was personal and apologized that he should have asked me first. So long story short we talked for a long time and I told him everything that was bothering me and said he understood from my perspective. And talked about some ways to work around his crazy schedule so that he isn't as late and we see each other more. And I told him how important it is to me that he call as soon as he knows he will be late, he was sincerely sorry, understood what I said and will in the future. So we aren't over, but I am keeping a close eye on how he acts and see if things get better. He said now that he has his new job and he will have a set schedule that he hopes he will know better when he has time. Also I left making date plans up to him since he knows best when he can make the time. So we shall see what happens with seeing each other and him calling like he used to. (from the day he asked for my number he used to call me almost every day, then the calls were ever 3 or more) So far so good, he has called me the last 2 days since the day we talked which was 3 days ago (actually twice yesterday). Will see is this continues and what happens with the other things. (calling everyday wasn't something I expected or needed was just what he did on his own so stood out to me when it became less frequent) I haven't jumped back in with both feet, just going day by day to see what happens and putting off talking about being a couple. (have been dating for 4 months)
Mary Magdalene Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 People are people and if you continue to be a doormat, you're the one who will be taking the consequences for their lack of respect and selfishness. Ain't that the truth. It will last for nearly 2,000 years too!
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 The longer you wait to stand firm, the worse it gets. People are people and if you continue to be a doormat, you're the one who will be taking the consequences for their lack of respect and selfishness. True, I think I heard a Dr.Phill quote in my head reading that lol. Seriously though which is why I brought it up to him cause there were things that weren't right for me. This will be his chance and if nothing changes then we will have to go separate ways.
Trialbyfire Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 True, I think I heard a Dr.Phill quote in my head reading that lol. Seriously though which is why I brought it up to him cause there were things that weren't right for me. This will be his chance and if nothing changes then we will have to go separate ways. Since I don't believe in Dr. Phil, please don't say that. If you take this route, please make sure he knows this is his last chance and if he falls down....you have to stick to it. This will ensure that either he takes an active role in maintaining the relationship or there's no relationship.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 Since I don't believe in Dr. Phil, please don't say that. If you take this route, please make sure he knows this is his last chance and if he falls down....you have to stick to it. This will ensure that either he takes an active role in maintaining the relationship or there's no relationship. Sorry! hee hee I think what he says is that "You teach people how to treat you". Yes exactly I made that very clear with him and without a doubt am sticking with it.
Mary3 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Sorry! hee hee I think what he says is that "You teach people how to treat you". Yes exactly I made that very clear with him and without a doubt am sticking with it. * ACTIONS * always speak louder than words
sb129 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 The longer you wait to stand firm, the worse it gets. People are people and if you continue to be a doormat, you're the one who will be taking the consequences for their lack of respect and selfishness. IF he chooses to make you wait 6 hours for him with no phone call or message of why he's going to be late, it's simply not acceptable. In a situation of this nature, get assertive. Tell him that this is unacceptable behaviour and that you will not tolerate it. The next time this happens, get coldly angry, angry enough for him to understand that the next time is the last time. The next time it happens, pull the trigger. Sayonara... It's a three-step process of giving someone more than enough time to get their act together. If they continue to ignore it, it's not the lateness that's an issue, it's their complete disdain for your needs. If that person is that selfish, they're not worth any further time or effort on your part. well said TBF. Sooo SBC- has your guy actually apologised for his lateness and for making you unhappy?
DanielMadr Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 I can bet you dont have sex. Gotcha. You want him to shower you with love and attention but your relationship hangs in dead spot. When he sees no progress he is probably worried it will end up with him frustrated and broken-hearted....so he switched his priorities elsewhere. And he is busy man. He is smart enough not to make you center of the universe. You have to offer much more for him to bet on you. Imagine you are dating a guy. You shower him with love but he just resists to take it more far than occasional dinners. You would turn cold eventually to save yourself from broken heart. In bussiness terms: You have stagnating bussiness, which is commanded by someone else. Its still in gray numbers even when you tried to make it better in the first few weeks by money injections. Would you invest your time, money and effort to that bussiness after two month, when its still in stagnation? Its risk. Its better to not give it all your time, money and effort. You did good when you called him on being late etc. On the other hand it sounded a little bit like needy spoiled selfish brat request. You have to realize he is probably not happy, he misses something. You have to give some if you want to take. Not words but action. 8 times of 10 it is sex. It tells him you trust him, you love him, you respect him as a man, not a gay friend or cuddle-bitch. If you are not ready you have to be really entertaining person to make him still interested.
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