Crimson107 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Maybe this isn't the right section but. . . I came to this site because I was dealing with my fall and my stupid physical affair. It was last Septmember when we moved to another state. I stayed behind and let someone take away my integrity. We have done our best to move on. She still has fear and doubt but I am trying to give her all my heart back. We haven't been to counselling. We went years early because of other things. Marriage is like the peace corps slogan: The toughest job you'll ever love. I still feel bad about it. She still has insecurities. We are working hard to just keep the roof over our four kids. I have worked my jobs in the new state and I know those late nights still make her sad. I am working but she can still imagine the worst. It was a stupid thing and it will not happen again because it too was the worst pain I ever had as well. Stupid male egos and stuff hurt even the best of men. I'm far from perfect but I really do love my wife and hope we can stick it out through thick and thin. So, I want to propose again. We were always wanting to renew our vowels. I feel the urge now more than ever. Is this wrong? Is it too much like another way to say I am sorry. I want to be geniune and give her something special. I want to keep my committment to her. Feel like we need to restart the clock a little. . . Any thought? I think I want to have my kids help me propose again. She made my affair very public and every one knows. Fear what my inlaws would say about it. . .
Chapter2 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I think its great that you are working on things. I still think MC and IC would help you both, especially your wife. I don't mean to be cruel, honestly, but you gave your integrity away--no one took it from you unless she held you at gunpoint and said give me all your integrity or I'll shoot. Just as the OW gave her self respect away...you didn't take it, she gave it away for a time. Hopefully your integrity and her self respect are on the mend and neither of you will lose site of them again. let someone take away my integrity
Author Crimson107 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Oh, I am not saying I don't take responsibilty for letting it happen. It even pains me to think what I did to pursue it. It was an arrangement to only be physical but that was the begining of flawed logic. I was selfish and nothing more to it but letting my ego be stroked. I was suduced by the idea never dreamed the pain I was causing my marriage. I am not a player and I let convience be my excuse to lose self control and respect. My work and focus is on my marriage. I have always seen it as an important part of life. I am blessed that she is willing to work with me. It does bother her but she wants to find her own excuse not to go to counselling. She is a prideful person sometimes. I don't really want to be pushy. She wants to deal with it on her own terms. I am just blessed that I am still being given the chances to show her I love her.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Good grief, that is the sweetest thing I've heard. I would make the proposal very special. I assume that she will be more touched than she was the first time you proposed! You are very lucky to have a woman who loves you enough to deal with the personal fallout of betrayal to give your marriage a second chance. Sounds like she made the right choice! I'm so very happy for you two. You will never get more from something than you are inclined to invest in it, sounds like you figured that out! Let us know how it goes!!!
jmargel Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 You still need counseling. Trying to renew your vows over fears of you losing her is not advisable. This won't help her insecurity. You need to take the time to deal with this in the right manner.
RecoverMe Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Are you and your wife seperated? I think the vow renewal is a nice idea but too soon, like last poster said. The dust is still settling. Continue to be an open book to her, show her your love in special little ways, show her she is on your mind. every 3 months is good to look back and see if you have made progress. Healing takes time. My husband said he wanted to renew our vows a month after dday! I knew he probably meant in on some level, but it was coming mostly from fear of losing me. 10 months later and the attention, all the special things he said and did immediatly after dday have waned. I tried to tell him that I felt like he was backing off with that and that it hurts, because I really liked all the attention he showered on me. He feels like I am attacking him and not giving him the recognition for how hard he has been working at our marriage. He still does pay good attention to a degree, but it's just......different. LIke he would come up behind me and kiss my neck, or he would stroke my hair softly. I loved all that and told him, cause he never did that before. He doesn't do it so much now. I don't want to be demanding. Maybe I'm too hard to please, or have great expectations......I am still in alot of pain. I'm sure your wife is too. I think at least a year, maybe 2 and then you can revisit the vow renewal thing, with your wife. I would just start talking to her about how you have been thinking of that, what does she think? Or you could do a more formal proposal. good luck:rolleyes:
Chapter2 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 You have a rare strength these days....humility. It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself through this whole process. I am acutely familiar with not realizing the pain you can cause and then looking back and being dumbfounded by the wreckage one choice can produce. There have been some very good things that have come out of the wreckage but the cost was high and the choice cannot be undone. It sounds like you and your wife are on the road to recovery and that is absolutely fantastic. I wish you the very, very best. Oh, I am not saying I don't take responsibilty for letting it happen. It even pains me to think what I did to pursue it. It was an arrangement to only be physical but that was the begining of flawed logic. I was selfish and nothing more to it but letting my ego be stroked. I was suduced by the idea never dreamed the pain I was causing my marriage. I am not a player and I let convience be my excuse to lose self control and respect. My work and focus is on my marriage. I have always seen it as an important part of life. I am blessed that she is willing to work with me. It does bother her but she wants to find her own excuse not to go to counselling. She is a prideful person sometimes. I don't really want to be pushy. She wants to deal with it on her own terms. I am just blessed that I am still being given the chances to show her I love her.
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