Claudia Elysa Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 About 7 years ago I was cheated on by my first husband. The man I looked up to went from being this caring individual to not caring about me and our then 3 mos old son. Though I tried for us to work out by inviting him to go to counseling he said I was the reason why he had to cheat. Typical abuser just not with his fists. He became a different person; a monster in every sense of the word. He used our saving to buy gifts for his lover. Some of those savings were my school grant money. He charged up credit cards and until this day ruined my credit. As his affair intensified he became more violent with me and my family emotionally and verbally. It got to a point where I sought assistance from both the authorities and lawyers; most of them told me to move since I had custody of our son. I did everything accordingly and moved to a different state letting him know where I would be so that he could have visitations with our son. In the 9 months that we lived away he visited our son once yet he decided to take our son away from me. I even tried to move near and pleaded that we work something out for our son's sake. He would allow me to him when he pleased. For a long time I felt like crap. I felt that everything that went wrong was my fault. But thankfully I found out how I really treats women in general. He cheated on his lover with his future 2nd wife and then turned around and cheated on her with his former lover. I learned that people like this will never be happy with whomever they are with; no matter how pretty or successful or nice the woman is he will always be seeking a new one when he is tired of yesterdays newpaper. Anyways, for a long time I did not trust a man. I eventually starting dating an old boyfriend but honestly I was not to crazy about him simply because I felt that all men were jerks. Eventually, we got engaged and married. I went through a stage where I wondered if this 2nd marriage was going to work. I met a man at work and I disliked at the beginning because he was annoying and said things that may be to him were funny but to me made me cringe. I let my supervisors know and they talked to him. He tried to win my friendship and he eventually did. My 2nd husband and I were not getting along and I turned to my new man friend. Of course, he took advantage of the moment where I was vulnerable. My husband found out and even though I never slept with the guy my husband threw my out of the house. My husband and I worked things out but I know that it scarred our relationship. For almost 2 years I worked at the same company and had to work with that man. There were moments of strength where I told him to go to hell but, then there were times when we talked. Finally, I got to a point where I had to look at what kind of jerk I was being. May be I was not sleeping with him but sometimes I would think about him and not as a friend. He was also married too. The turning point for me was to remember how infidelity destroyed my first marriage. How my 1st husband did not give a hoot about anyone else but his self gratification. He did not care to hurt his firstborn or wife that loved him more than life itself. I turned the roles around and imagined my 2nd husband's pain. He and I may not always see eye to eye but he deserves my love and respect. I want to make this marriage work and so I quit the job I was at and told that guy to leave me alone for good. I do not feel like unfaithful whore anymore. After all what was going to come of all that...someone always gets hurt and it is usually the innocent. Cheating it is just not worth it.
underpants Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 You rock.... Finally, a post with foresight and good judgement, instead of regret and hindsight. My hope meter just went up. I wish you, your family and your marriage all the very best.
TheRealBigOMan Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Very good insight. Its so hard to see the people you are hurting when you only think about yourself. People can be so self-absorbed. People like you make the world better.
Trialbyfire Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Well done!! So many people are unable to resist temptation. It shows your strength of character that you are capable of doing this.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 About 7 years ago I was cheated on by my first husband. The man I looked up to went from being this caring individual to not caring about me and our then 3 mos old son. Though I tried for us to work out by inviting him to go to counseling he said I was the reason why he had to cheat. Typical abuser just not with his fists. He became a different person; a monster in every sense of the word. He used our saving to buy gifts for his lover. Some of those savings were my school grant money. He charged up credit cards and until this day ruined my credit. As his affair intensified he became more violent with me and my family emotionally and verbally. It got to a point where I sought assistance from both the authorities and lawyers; most of them told me to move since I had custody of our son. I did everything accordingly and moved to a different state letting him know where I would be so that he could have visitations with our son. In the 9 months that we lived away he visited our son once yet he decided to take our son away from me. I even tried to move near and pleaded that we work something out for our son's sake. He would allow me to him when he pleased. For a long time I felt like crap. I felt that everything that went wrong was my fault. But thankfully I found out how I really treats women in general. He cheated on his lover with his future 2nd wife and then turned around and cheated on her with his former lover. I learned that people like this will never be happy with whomever they are with; no matter how pretty or successful or nice the woman is he will always be seeking a new one when he is tired of yesterdays newpaper. Anyways, for a long time I did not trust a man. I eventually starting dating an old boyfriend but honestly I was not to crazy about him simply because I felt that all men were jerks. Eventually, we got engaged and married. I went through a stage where I wondered if this 2nd marriage was going to work. I met a man at work and I disliked at the beginning because he was annoying and said things that may be to him were funny but to me made me cringe. I let my supervisors know and they talked to him. He tried to win my friendship and he eventually did. My 2nd husband and I were not getting along and I turned to my new man friend. Of course, he took advantage of the moment where I was vulnerable. My husband found out and even though I never slept with the guy my husband threw my out of the house. My husband and I worked things out but I know that it scarred our relationship. For almost 2 years I worked at the same company and had to work with that man. There were moments of strength where I told him to go to hell but, then there were times when we talked. Finally, I got to a point where I had to look at what kind of jerk I was being. May be I was not sleeping with him but sometimes I would think about him and not as a friend. He was also married too. The turning point for me was to remember how infidelity destroyed my first marriage. How my 1st husband did not give a hoot about anyone else but his self gratification. He did not care to hurt his firstborn or wife that loved him more than life itself. I turned the roles around and imagined my 2nd husband's pain. He and I may not always see eye to eye but he deserves my love and respect. I want to make this marriage work and so I quit the job I was at and told that guy to leave me alone for good. I do not feel like unfaithful whore anymore. After all what was going to come of all that...someone always gets hurt and it is usually the innocent. Cheating it is just not worth it. Thank god someone else has seen the light and woke the F up!!! But I'm gonna give you insight to your first husbands mental's if you will. The reason why he was angry and hateful and violent. Is because you got the drop on him. He wanted to be in control of the situaion and you cheating first took the control away from him. Now I'm not saying what you did was right but he experienced something he wasnt supposed to. It was heartbreak. And he hated you for it. Simple as that. But it sounds like you got a good man in your second husband, he was right to kick you out, I would have done the same. Now you can finally stop doing things are self destructive to your marriage and yourself. Your right Cheating is never worth it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I learned that people like this will never be happy with whomever they are with; no matter how pretty or successful or nice the woman is he will always be seeking a new one when he is tired of yesterdays newpaper. This part struck a chord with me! You are absolutely right about this. My WH's has said several times, "no matter how beautiful she is somebody is tired of F*ing her." Yep, that is the miserable life that some WS's choose in their quest to find an outside source of happiness for their own internal misery. I would be miserable too, if I were them. Good for you for owning your R with your husband. You will never get more out of ANYTHING than you are willing to invest.
Claudia Elysa Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Hi Chrome Barracuda: I wanted to let clarify that I never cheated on my first husband. I found out he was cheating on me with a girl on the internet. It was not until a year after we separated that I started looking for another person because he told me to move on. And mind you I went back to an ex boyfriend because I found it hard to trust someone new. My first husband was the love of my life and I would have stayed with him forever if only he would apologized for his screw up. After all we all make mistakes. But he took the easy way out and still does. Now all I am trying to do is stop feeling bad about my former marriage. I brought all that baggage into this new one which has made it harder to see my new hubby as a different person. Plus my new hubby and I dated as teens so we had a few issues too which now we are trying to work out. As for my infidelity with my new hubby I realize I was a dumby and I am not going to make excuses. I was being very selfish at the time but thank God someone knocked me in the head and said what the heck are you doing?? And you are right my 2nd hubby had the right to kick me out because I disrespected our marriage. The good thing is I never slept with the guy...I would not have been able to live with myself if I would have done that. Thank god someone else has seen the light and woke the F up!!! But I'm gonna give you insight to your first husbands mental's if you will. The reason why he was angry and hateful and violent. Is because you got the drop on him. He wanted to be in control of the situaion and you cheating first took the control away from him. Now I'm not saying what you did was right but he experienced something he wasnt supposed to. It was heartbreak. And he hated you for it. Simple as that. But it sounds like you got a good man in your second husband, he was right to kick you out, I would have done the same. Now you can finally stop doing things are self destructive to your marriage and yourself. Your right Cheating is never worth it.
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