silentcharon Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I've been thinking about something for a while and wanted to ask a question, I hope this is the right place. For anyone (BS, OW, OM) who had to leave the affair or marriage because the WS couldn't make the decision- do you resent that person because YOU had to make the decision? Would you have preferred that the WS own up to their part and make the decision whether to stay with you or the other person, instead of you having to make the decision? I admire anyone who gained the strength to leave, and suffer additional pain because the WS was too cowardly to even make the decision.
smartgirl Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 There was an excellent post by LucreziaBorsia (slaughtered the spelling - sorry). She really had it right - affairs don't end for altruistic reasons - the WS rarely if ever "sees the light." Usually OW/OM ends it or BS finds out and ends it. Doesn't mean the WS doesn't eventually see the light after the "affair virus" has left their system. But when they are in the throes of infatuation and addiction, they don't have the strength to get out. Sounds like a cop-out I know - but there is way too much science behind this to dismiss it. I will try to copy LB's post in here later if I can. It was really dead on.
Author silentcharon Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 I've read some unbelivable things on LS. It just seems so unfair to either the BS or the OW/OM when the WS won't own up to his/her responsibilities to end either the marriage or the affair. It's a selfish and heinous act to commit against the people you supposedly love so much. I'm aware that there is science at play here, all those hormones and all that jazz- but things would be more easier if the WS at least manned up, you know? After all, it was the WS who started the mess- the WS should be the one who has to clean up the mess, not the BS or the OM/OW. Why put people you supposedly love so much through so much pain, and don't acknowledge that you are the reason? It's amazing how some people can do something like this- or am I really that naive to think that this is uncommon these days?
overandout Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Why would most mm end an affair when they are getting the best of both worlds? That is thewhole point; most want to enhance their marriages. OW who realise the mm isn't leaving will end it, although it is painful,as they want a whole relationship with someone and don't want to be a side dish and used any longer. They get their self respect back and consider they deserve more. Most mm are selfish which is why they want the affair with no intention of leaving the marriage.
HappyAtLast Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 The MM doesn't leave because he does not want to hurt either of the women. The fact is, one of them is going to get hurt if he makes a decision, and both of them will be hurt if he does not. It is just a matter of being the bad guy. Personally, there was no decision for me. I could not even consider a life without my then-OW.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 This is the million dollar question! He's telling the W and OW everything he thinks they want to hear and staying in the marriage. He is a coward, he doesn't want either thing enough to suck up the consequences of a situation that he has created. He is a personal mess. Such a mess that he actually expects others to suffer for his inability to take responsibility for his actions and decisions. I have zero respect and nothing but contempt for these rodents. Happy at Last, you made a decision (and a quick one), that is completely different. You've also said before that you would have divorced your wife anyway. That is the difference between a mouse and a MAN.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Yes. I resent him for not making a decision. He actually offered to put me up in an apt, so he wouldn't lose me or her. I walked. I resent him for not making choices. I told him that he needed to. His response? Something to the effect of he couldn't, so he would just wait and see who stood by him.
Jinxx Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 For anyone (BS, OW, OM) who had to leave the affair or marriage because the WS couldn't make the decision- do you resent that person because YOU had to make the decision? No -- no resentment on my part. Neither one us really ended it. I finally reached a point where I was becoming too emotionally attached and wanted to talk about about my feelings and what we were doing. We never had that talk -- he never found the time, promised to call but all of sudden became too *busy*, whatever..... We do see each other on occasion (very rare) due to work but we don't "go there" anymore. The fact is if he wanted a real relationship with me bad enough then he would leave. He won't leave (knew that up front) so I have my answer.
PoshPrincess Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 My R with MM never ended properly (ie no closure); I suppose we just drifted apart although the feelings were still there (certainly on my part). I do resent him for being so flaky and going from "I will definitely leave" (I NEVER EVER asked him to - never thought he would until HE said it) to "I will be leaving but I can't say when..." to eventually, "Well, I might leave but I can't say for certain. This is not necessarily the right thing to do but the only thing I CAN do at the moment..." It was quite pathetic really and I am glad that I can finally feel some anger about it instead of making excuses for him. In fact thinking about it now makes me want to scream!!! What I really HATE is that he couldn't have turned round to me and said, "I don't love you anymore (or never did, whatever), I love my W/I want to be with my W and not you". But no, I guess he was always hedging his bets! It he had been able to make a straight decision I would have found it a lot easier to move on rather than always thinking that one day he might just coming looking for me.
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