Chamari Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I've seen a lot of people on here say that if someone breaks up because they need space or time or something that it means that it's over, they don't love them, they've got another person lined up already, etc. and I disagree. I told my bf that we needed to break up because I DO need some time because things are getting kind of serious and I'm not ready for that. No matter what kind of deal we could work out, the more time we spent together would have made it more serious and I got the feeling that if that happened there was a good chance that I'd wind up freaking out at a really bad time and cause waaaaay more problems than if we broke up now. In all honesty, I love my guy and that's part of why I broke up with him. I guess I'm scared of commitment at this point in my life. However, assuming that he's patient with me and is still available when I've got my head straightened out, I'm pretty sure that he's the guy I'll want to spend the rest of my life with. Heck, I'm pretty sure about that right now but even so, it's like I told him--I need to define "me" before I can really think about "us". I want to be his partner instead of his shadow. Given all that, I'll admit that I feel a bit guilty about the break up--he took it wonderfully, telling me that it made sense and that he understood, etc., which made it that much more painful because I know it's got to hurt him (heck it's hurting me and I'm the one who broke up with him) and I never wanted to do that. I guess I just feel like a little hurt now is better than say, if I waited until we were engaged or married and then panicked.
Art_Critic Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I need to define "me" before I can really think about "us". In reality that means it's over.. When you are done defining yourself he won't be part of the picture anymore..
Zapbasket Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 In reality that means it's over.. When you are done defining yourself he won't be part of the picture anymore.. I appreciate what you're saying, Chamari, but I agree with Art Critic. You're never done defining yourself; there's no endpoint of self-definition after which you're pretty much the same the rest of your life. Part of being in a committed relationship is learning how to develop yourself as an individual *within* the context and expectations of the relationship. Caveat to what I said: if you're young. I think that when you're in your early/mid/even late 20s, it's important to put your own development first, as it's a lot harder later on to make drastic changes in your life (webs of committments, etc.).
Author Chamari Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 if you're young. I think that when you're in your early/mid/even late 20s, it's important to put your own development first, as it's a lot harder later on to make drastic changes in your life (webs of committments, etc.). That's just it, I'm only 20 and I guess I feel like I need to develope me more than I have. I don't want to go out and do crazy stuff or anything, just get more involved with life, (try some new stuff that I've always wanted to like swing dancing, do some volunteer work, etc) so that I can balance that with our relationship. I'll be honest and admit that I'd also like to date a few guys just for fun because that's something I've never done--my bf was the first guy who really showed any interest in me. Because of that I've had fairly low self-esteem in that area, an issue that we've tried to work on. It took me about four months of dating to accept that he actually like me, and about a month more before I could believe that he actually thought I was beautiful. I'm doing better now, but I think I've been relying on him for a LOT over the last few months and I need to prove to myself that I can do things on my own. In theory yes, I could work on it while in a relationship, but quite frankly I'm not good at balancing things so it would go about the same as it has these last few months where I think of something that would be fun/good to do and then let it pass by because I'm spending time with him. I love spending time with him but honestly I think we probably spend too much time together and it would be healthier for both of us to develope a few outside interests.
MattNZ Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Chamari, My situation is a mirror of yours. My girl initiated a break because things were too serious and settled too quickly. It isn't easy for the 'dumpee' but I would imagine, like me, your partner put a brave face on so as not to appear weak or needy. They can work i guess if they are taken for the right reasons. We have both been concentrating on doing things for ourselves recently and if I am honest, it was actually working. When we spent time together, we had things to talk about and began to connect again. However, I ruined that by getting drunk last week and getting caught round the back of her house (very very drunk but no excuse!) I have since given her a few days of space to let the dust settle (I sent wine and a card to her flat mates to apologise which seemed to work). Anyhow - I'm rambling!!!! Sometimes, a break can be an easier way of letting someone go gently, they can also be taken so one partner can explore other avenues. To work, I think clear boundaries have to be set in this respect. At first, I felt I was hanging on, and I guess I still am to an extent but learning more to look after myself. I hope you guys work through it for the better. I must admit, the spare time I now find myself with, as much as it is still hard, I do enjoy it when I am feeling positive. How is your partner taking it? Is he spending the time pursuing other hobbies and interests he might not have done were you still together? I have applied for a new job because I realised I wasn't happy in my current one (I tolerated it because my life out of work was happy)....I find out today! And I have also become addicted to the gym!!!!!
Author Chamari Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 I think he took it pretty well--it's hard to tell exactly. He's not a very emotional kind of guy and tends to rely more on logic, but I'm pretty sure that he didn't want me to feel any worse than I already did, so, yeah. We're going to be in separate states for the next few months so I think that will help. I'm curious, what kind of boundaries do you think need to be set? And as it seems that you're still in touch, how does that work? I want to keep in touch with my guy but don't want to do anything to make him feel worse.
MattNZ Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 We pretty much took a step back as we thought the spark had gone. Almost started dating again as such. Met for coffee and meals etc... Very tough though as you don't want to probe about the future - just try and enjoy the moment. Like I say, it was going good until I messed up. We kept/keep in touch on limited contact. No texting just for the sake of it. I don't drop by to see her at work now either. Can be hard because it is very different to how it was for 2 years. She suggested the break, and as much as I wsa against it at first, it has helped me develop. Both parties have to embrace the space though. One partner can't go full contact and forcing the other one away. I am doing things I never did when we were living together - frustrating looking back but sometimes the best discoveries are made out of your comfort zone! Boundaries - well they can be level of contact, are you able to date other people. That way both parties know where they stand and if, for example, he scores someone else, you can be jealous but not angry because you set your stalls out at the start. Hope that helps?
Author Chamari Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 It does help. Thanks for posting. I really do think that this break will be good for both of us in the long run and it's nice to hear about how things look from your perspective and that you're feeling that it's a good thing for you too. We're still talking--mostly email/IM and it's kind of weird because just the way we talk it still feels kind of like we're together. Still, it's only been a few days and I think that as we get involved in work and such that it will trail off pretty well. I think I'm just beginning to realize how hard this is going to be. It was my decision and I still think that it's the right one but even so . . .
MattNZ Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Oh it does feel wierd at first! You can find it all too easily to slip in to old situations when you are together. I guess for you guys it might be different as you are not in close proximity! I can see my ex's house from my driveway across the small valley! On a positive note, I got offered the new job today and that is the huge boost that I needed. I really feel positive about myself now. That would never have happened had we still been living together in our comfort bubble!!!
Author Chamari Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Congratulations on the new job. That's great. It's kind of funny--today is actually my day to start job-hunting. Yeah, I think the distance is going to help a LOT. It's got to be hard knowing your ex is so close--hang in there! Sounds like you're trying hard to help things work out and it's good that you're finding new things to occupy your time.
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