CXKinbote Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I'm sure this is fairly common, but I'd like some advice: My girlfriend and I just broke up a 2 1/2 year relationship over the phone about an hour ago. We are both at college, and would not be able to see each other for another two weeks. Previous to today, she had been stringing me on, saying that she had fallen out of love with me, but just needed some distance. It got bleaker and bleaker, as she realized that not only had she fallen out of love, but that she no longer even had much of an urge to try and rekindle the romance. She was almost positive that waiting two weeks to see each other in person would not change her feelings in the least. So she heavily intimated that she wanted to break it off, and I finally gave up my plan of waiting. Even as I hoped that we could work something out, I knew that leaving it open ended over the next two weeks would slowly kill me. We are still planning on seeing each other when we get home from college, but I doubt it is going to go like I imagined. I hoped to convince her that falling out of love was just a phase in long term relationships, and that we could work through it. But she is pretty certain that she only wants me as a friend, and again, she doesn't even want to try. Well that's good, cause I could a good friend right now. In fact, she considers me her best friend, and I her. To be quite honest, the certainty of the breakup has not sent me into a downward emotional spiral, at least not yet. It was much worse when I didn't know what would happen. But I'm going to be experiencing a lot of feelings, and I'll need someone to talk to. And I want it to be her, my best friend. The question is: is it in any way healthy for me to talk to her about our breakup over the next couple weeks? Though this may change, I don't feel particularly bitter right now. I'm not violently angry at her. She's a good person, and I know she loves me. Is talking to the instigator of my bad feelings about those same feelings a bad idea? Thanks for your help.
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 You want to seek comfort from the person who hurt you. No, that's not a good idea, though it's common for people to seek that. She was the one you always turned to in the past for comfort when life wasn't going well, so you naturally want to turn to you now. But things are not the same. When she said she only wants to be friends, she meant it in comparison to dating. She was trying to tell you that she is not in love with you anymore. It does not mean she wants to truly be your best friend anymore, though. And it does not mean she wants to nurse you through the end of your relationship. Consider it this way - while you are asking her to help you get over this and to be friends, she may be dating other people. Do you, as her friend, really want to hear about other guys she will be seeing? If you can't handle that, you'd best stay away from the friendship until you can handle it, if you can ever handle it.
New Hope Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 The only way she can realize her love for you if there was true love, is for you to go into NO CONTACT!! for a month or more if need!!!!!! A MUST DO..trust me it works I would know from experience.....she wants space, respect it..act like your cool with the breakup, dont bring up your relationship no more..act aloof and practice apathy...cancel seeing her!! your gonna become a busy man to have ttime to see her!!! if you do see her, all your gonna do is bring yourself more pain...you might feel good at the moment but then you gonna realize it got u no where..I know I been there....Dont email, No Txt, no nothing..No contact is for to heal and better yourself..start dating other women keep it light..because jealous works wonders especially if your ex see's you moving on to someone else it packs enough force to bring them back, I would know... with time everything unfolds, but let time do its thing....No Contact blocks you from falling into the best ex boyfriend bubble, once you fall in there your done...you dont want her bringing all her emotion problems to you while the next person has fun with it..No way sir..Be a man..and go into no contact..the first week is hard but then you'll get use it...you'll notice after a while your ex would use tactics to bring you back in her life once you are gone for good...Follow my words and trust me you'll be fine..because right now your in the negative zone with your EX....
Author CXKinbote Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 Thanks for the advice. I think what I need to figure out right now is whether I really love her enough to want her back. There's something about the idea of just being her best friend that is very attractive to me. Yes, I envisioned a glorious future while we were still together (mostly because she always talked about it), but I feel like I can let that go pretty quickly. The worst part about this is the fear of being alone, and that's why I want to keep in contact with her. I was never head over heels in love with her, I guess. The truth is that I am rarely so in love as I was in the past few weeks, as I felt her growing distant. When I worried I would lose her, she was all I could think about. When things were more comfortable between us, or when she was clearly infatuated with me, which was much of the time, my love was a little more tepid. It's hard for me to think that I could lose her as a friend forever. I don't believe that "if it's mean to be, it will be," I think it's more just luck. Anyway, if it turns out over the next week or so that I really can't stop thinking about her, I guess I'll have to stop all contact.
Author CXKinbote Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 I know you are right, I just wish it wasn't so difficult. Basically, I was feeling pretty good before when I could still talk to her, and then as soon as I decided to cut off our contact, I started feeling awful. I know I shouldn't have pinned my hopes on a future meeting, but it's hard not to--she always used to tell me that even when the relationship gets hard, we will do everything we can to overcome it. She tells me she has done everything she can, and I believe her, I know she has been agonizing over this for a few weeks now. But then I think, well, if we had been together to work on this as a couple, maybe things would be different. Maybe if I see her face to face things will be different. It's better just to know the relationship is permanently over. My problem with the no contact is that I don't know what I want. If I talk to her over the next few weeks, I know I will probably be dooming any hope for the relationship. But maybe that's what I'd prefer, I just don't know. If I don't talk to her for the next few weeks, I will probably feel like dirt the whole time, wondering what she is doing, and hoping that when we see each other things are going to be different. Is there any reason for me to actually believe this stuff? Is it stupid to think that we will make any more of a connection in person? We had a great relationship, and I have no doubt about that--respected each other, cared about each other, listened to each other, all that. That's why I hoped we would have a foundation on which to rebuild. Thanks for your help.
vivrantflo Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 CXKinbote, listen to what New Hope said.. no one can say it any better than that.
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