...having a very hard time

[Zapbasket]

I wrote a flurry of posts about a month ago, detailing the breakup of my 5-year relationship (we're both 30). To recap a bit, my partner and I were long distance for three years, and in September, funded by his company, he moved cross-country to the Big City near me. We found an apartment together and I was finishing my master's thesis and looking for jobs and planned to move in once I started my job an had saved up enough money. Things already were shaky; there were a lot of resentments built up from the long distance that manifested themselves over the summer, with him saying he wanted me to move in right away but also saying he expected me to pay rent and could find a roommate who could pay more than I could (before I found my job, I had $0 in my bank account as I'd been in school). This put me in a difficult position as I felt great pressure to find a good job quickly while he was increasingly angry at me for not moving in right away. We argued all fall, and on December 5 he broke up with me by phone, hanging up on me after saying "It's over" and turning off his phone. I contacted him on the 9th and asked to see him and he refused, saying, "I want to be with you forever, but I can't; you are an arguing person and I am a non-arguing person." I showed up at his apartment the next day and after hyperventilating he let me in, telling me he felt I'd treated him "like ****" and that while on the one hand he cared about the relationship and wanted it to work, on the other he felt that "this relationship sucks and I want out of it." I was supposed to go out west with him for Christmas with his family but he refused to let me come, and when he returned on Jan 4 he agreed to meet with me "for closure" and informed me, "It's over, Green Cove, I'm detaching myself and moving on." He seemed angry, bitter, hurt, and was unable to communicate WHY he felt he needed to end the relationship. "But," I protested, "you had told me you wanted to be with me forever. I thought you had moved here to be with me." "I DID want to be with you forever," he said vehemently. "I DID move here to be with you." And he said everything was my fault. On January 22 after leaving him several voice messages over the previous weeks that went unreturned, I called him at work and he told me I "don't need to know his reasons" for breaking up with me, that "he can't walk me through this" and don't I believe him when he says it's over, and with a vehement, "Stop calling me!" he said, "Goodbye, Green Cove" and hung up. I tried several more times to contact him, pleading on his voicemail that we end this on a better note, that we'd been each other's best friend and the reason I was calling him, etc. was because I cared and felt it was so precipitous to just quit 2 months after moving here when we'd been talking about this, and looking forward to being together, for THREE YEARS. And he sent me an e-mail severing all possible ties: "I have no obligation to discuss things with you"; "I am no longer your best friend so you can't count on me for support"; "I don't want to be in a relationship with you"; "I request that you stop contacting me."

 

After that e-mail, on 2/13, there has been no contact. And while I have made a sincere effort, with success, to do things with my friends, to find my own apartment in the Big City, to make new friends, to make plans for my future career-wise, etc., I am having a very, very hard time. I just can't believe that it could end like this; I can't believe he gave us no chance to work things out after we'd both led very compromised lives trying to keep up the long distance (we spoke on the phone for at least an hour every evening). ANd while on the one hand I can't believe someone could be so cruel as to just chop things off with no discussion, to obliterate me from his life like I'm trash to be discarded...I also cant' help feeling I must deserve this, otherwise why would someone do something so egregious--somoeone I loved and who seemed, throughout the relationship, to be absolutely enthralled with me? "Magical Green Cove," he called me. Everything about me was magical, special, etc. in his eyes. I vacillate between feeling he is not the man I thought he was--I mean, I really, really TRUSTED him--and feeling this awful feeling that I was not good enough in his eyes, that he felt I held him back, that he wanted to be free to start over in a new city and build his career success as a financial engineer while I who work in publishing and make a third of what he makes and have dual artistic and business aspirations somehow just was a burden. I feel like he looked deep into my soul, where I'd allowed him, and discovered that I was not good enough...and I feel like my ego has been hit by an 18-wheeler.

 

At the same time, I know he thought I was very smart, very capable (and this is also how I perceive myself), and I know he not only loved me but admired me. His actions showed it, in the relationship...this awful disrespect at the end was totally foreign to me. That's the mindset I come from when I feel like enough time has passed now for some kind of contact. I find myself now checking my e-mail, thinking I'll see a correspondence from him; I find myself half expecting it will be him when the phone rings. Before, I expected it out of habit...but now I expect it as I feel surely enough time has passed for the sharp anger to have waned, for good feelings to be restored, and surely someone would not want to just leave things as he left them--surely that sits heavy in anyone's heart, no? ANd then I think, maybe I need to initiate contact: after all, he felt I was only angry at him all fall, and some friends have suggested that perhaps he broke up with me because he feared I was going to break up with him. (Which was the furthest thing from my mind though I was very frustrated.) I just feel this pregnant pause and it's killing me.

 

What do I do? Is there ever a case where it is wise for the dumped to make contact? What about in this case? And does anyone think he may contact me? I just feel like he must; I can't believe this breakup doesn't hurt him. No one, I feel, can really just sever someone out of their lives who overall was a good person and not feel that horrible heart-clutch of un-closure. But then I think...maybe I deserved this? I was angry at him as I resented that he wouldn't communicate his feelings to me and left me floundering around trying to guess what he wanted, and I was angry that while I struggled to finish my thesis he was at home making 6 figures and he could have moved to be with me much sooner. I yelled at him a lot--does that mean I deserved to be just cut off with no conversation or chance for understanding or reconciliation?

 

I feel deep depression and though I know things will get better, there will remain this awful hole and all it will take is the sight of him, some jog of memory, for all the pain to come rushing back, and the love. ANd I fear I won't genuinely be able to love the next person who crosses my path, as I'll always feel this sense of non-closure with my love of 5 years. And yes, I really, deeply loved him. ANd I felt that he felt the same for me, which is why this is all so confusing.

 

Help

[norajane]

What do I do? Is there ever a case where it is wise for the dumped to make contact? What about in this case?

Your ex told you in no uncertain terms to leave him alone. You will only hurt yourself more if you try to contact him. And it will do you no good. If he wanted to talk to you, you'd be hearing from him.

 

And does anyone think he may contact me? I just feel like he must; I can't believe this breakup doesn't hurt him.

I don't think he will. I think he was done with your relationship before he ever broke up with you, so he doesn't have anything more to say. Even if there is some residual pain he is feeling from the loss of a relationship he had for 5 years, that's not necessarily anything that will make him want to talk to you.

 

I told you in one of your other threads about the end of a 6 year relationship I had with my ex-fiancee. Although I felt some loss and the pain one feels at the end of a relationship, by the time I broke up with him, I was totally done. Everything he did after that to contact me just made my skin crawl. Seeing him made my skin crawl. I missed him and part of me still loved him in a friend kind of way, and the ending of the relationship hurt, but none of that made me want to have any contact with him.

No one, I feel, can really just sever someone out of their lives who overall was a good person and not feel that horrible heart-clutch of un-closure.

He has closure. He didn't need you to explain anything to him. He broke up with you, so he didn't have any residual questions. All his questions were answered before he decided to break up with you.

 

 

I know you're hurting, and that's normal. This was an ugly ending to a long relationship. You will get over this, though. It will take time, but you will find yourself past this one day. Just don't contact him - you have to accept that it is over between you.

[Zapbasket]

Norajane, thanks. I won't contact him, ever. I certainly *want* to, but I know that no interaction I have with him will mean anything to me if he doesn't initiate it. The last thing I want to have to experience at this point is a reluctant encounter with him where I'm made to feel yet more worthless than I already feel (at times, as I process this breakup).

 

But here's the thing, and I hope you won't take my honesty the wrong way. I'm trying to understand. So: I remember you telling me before about how when you broke things off with your fiance you were done and didn't want to see or talk to him again. But I guess I don't understand such a sentiment. Where were you during the 6 years of the relationship? How did you get all the way to the point of getting engaged and be detaching yourself from the relationship? How, when you saw his hurt, and attempt to make sense of such a shock, did you only get a skin-crawling feeling and not feel great compassion for his pain, and not make some effort to be as clear with him as possible--in as kind a way as possible? I guess I just don't understand how you can only be halfway in a relationship that lasts more than, say, 3-4 years. I for one would never have kept the relationship going with my guy if I felt like I didn't want to be with him, or felt so uncertain that I found myself not engaging with him. To be honest, I kind-of judge that kind of detachment. It implies to me that someone is not communicating, and blaming personal problems on the other person rather than taking responsibility for their own emotional vicissitudes and circumstances. I could be wrong, but that's just how I see it. I'm interested in having my mind opened

[norajane]

But here's the thing, and I hope you won't take my honesty the wrong way. I'm trying to understand. So: I remember you telling me before about how when you broke things off with your fiance you were done and didn't want to see or talk to him again. But I guess I don't understand such a sentiment. Where were you during the 6 years of the relationship? How did you get all the way to the point of getting engaged and be detaching yourself from the relationship? How, when you saw his hurt, and attempt to make sense of such a shock, did you only get a skin-crawling feeling and not feel great compassion for his pain, and not make some effort to be as clear with him as possible--in as kind a way as possible? I guess I just don't understand how you can only be halfway in a relationship that lasts more than, say, 3-4 years. I for one would never have kept the relationship going with my guy if I felt like I didn't want to be with him, or felt so uncertain that I found myself not engaging with him. To be honest, I kind-of judge that kind of detachment. It implies to me that someone is not communicating, and blaming personal problems on the other person rather than taking responsibility for their own emotional vicissitudes and circumstances. I could be wrong, but that's just how I see it. I'm interested in having my mind opened

 

I was very much in love with him for 4.5 of those years, and I was very committed to him and our future together. That's when we got engaged and shortly after moved in together. And then I started seeing how things would be with us when we married and living together.

 

At first, I thought I was the one having problems due to all the changes - I had just finished grad school and gotten a new job. We had just moved in together and figured there would be a time of adjustment anyway, plus we were living in the suburbs because he grew up there, though I have always been a city girl and loved living in the city and was far from my friends and had to take a commuter train to work.

 

But, I realized after a while that it wasn't just adjusting to the change. I saw him in a different way from the way things were when we were dating. I saw how he was with money and expenses. I saw how he was passive/aggressive at dealing with issues. I saw how he was miserable with his life/chosen job yet would do absolutely nothing about it except complain. I saw how he never wanted to go out with either his friends or mine.

 

I slowly started to fall out of love with him. I talked to him about these issues - he was well aware things were not going well - but nothing got better. After a year living together, I knew I was miserable and had to do something. The next few months, I told him maybe we'd do better if we lived apart and tried dating again, that maybe it was too much too soon. A few months after that, I found a place and moved out. By that time, I was totally done. Nothing was going to make anything better and I just wanted to be out of the relationship even though I was ending something that had been a huge part of my life.

 

I did see his pain, but I also had been in pain living with him. I was very clear with him and tried very hard to make sense of things for him and for myself. He just didn't quite get it, or couldn't change, or whatever. There was nothing that I could say that would make us compatible on the issue of money. There was nothing I could say that would make him stop being passive/aggressive. There was nothing I could say that would get him to be more proactive about finding a job that was better suited and would allow him to have a happier life. There was nothig I could say that would make him stop scorning our friends who wanted to go out and have a good time on weekends at conerts or dancing or whatever, leaving me to go out without my fiancee. I saw that nothing was going to change, so what was the point of beating my head against the wall for any longer?

 

By the end, I RESENTED him. I felt trapped, constricted, smothered yet lonely, and started to just hate being with him. That is why seeing him or talking to him made my skin crawl. I was certain that we were not right for each other and just needed to get away from him so that I could start fresh.

[Zapbasket]

Ah, Norajane, I understand your situation. And the way you describe it going down, I understand and it sounds like you gave him the benefit of the doubt as well as a chance to work on the issues you pointed out to him. I think you were wise to back out before getting married, when you recognized within yourself that you couldn't deal with these attributes of his--and I think doing so after nearly 6 years together took a lot of courage. (Are you still glad you did it? If you had it all to do over again, would you do anything differently?)

 

But my partner gave me no chance. First of all, after being long distance for three years and finally winding up in the same city, he didn't even wait to let us live together first and see how that went. Granted I had told him that as much as possible I didn't want our living together to be a "trial run," since if he decided he didn't want me living there I would have difficulty as my income is quite low and housing in this city is ridiculously expensive. But still, I feel like he could have just tried trusting that all our difficulties this fall would gradually abate; 5 years together merited at least that, I think.

 

Then, he never really told me what it was that bothered him and thus never gave me a chance to change. He was consistently bothered by our arguing and so I can only surmise that that was the reason--that he felt me to be more confrontational than he was and maybe he determined that he couldn't have that in his life the rest of his life. But he also did nothing to try to abate the arguments--in fact, often he would stir up arguments. Even the day he broke up with me, he tried to goad me into getting upset by mentioning that he wanted us to have brunch with this person from his grad program whom he knows I dislike (and whom he dislikes, as well, which is why I knew he was bluffing).

 

And it's this that I don't understand--how someone could stay in a relationship, not tell the other person explicitly what is bothering them, and just quietly determine over time that no, this is not going to work...after FIVE YEARS together! This is the thing that rams my self-esteem the most--he certainly determined that I was not fit to be his forever-partner, but as I do not know in what way I was not fit I feel like he just determined me not to be good enough. And that, after 5 years, feels profoundly insulting.

[norajane]

He probably felt 1) that moving to the same city was enough information - he didn't need to live with you to see how things would be, 2) that you were part of those arguments and therefore were well aware that things were not going well between you, and 3) that he had assessed that you could not change or that he wasn't going to ask you to change FOR HIM...that he had to accept you as you were or not, and he could not accept you as you are.

 

He didn't decide AFTER 5 years - he was deciding all along, especially during the time after he moved to be closer to you.

 

 

As for me, I'm very, very glad I broke up with that ex. If I could do anything differently, I would have moved out much sooner than I did, like after the first few months of living together. All that time was a waste, all that talking and trying to work things out was a waste of time. I could see very quickly that he wasn't the right guy for me, and no amount of talking and discussing was going to change who he was, nor who I was, nor what I needed to make me happy. I wish I hadn't wasted over a year of my life hanging onto something I knew had to end.

[Zapbasket]

Maybe, Norajane, but in this case I think I was the one asking him to change things *for me*. Or really, for our relationship. I spent the better part of 5 years begging him to communicate with me. At first, these pleas took the form of carefully worded, gentle e-mails--which I still have in my inbox from back in 2003. Then, when his company's plans to start up a satellite office in Toronto fell through and we no longer had a clear idea of where we were going to move to be together come fall of 2004, we started to have things that really needed to be worked out and his uncommunicativeness was a huge barrier. I even wrote him an e-mail saying I noticed his reticence and felt that maybe he needed some time alone to sort out what he wanted--but he pooh-poohed my intuition and said he didn't need time. He kept saying he *knew* he wanted to be with me forever and he kept saying it because I kept noticing his reticence/uncommuincativeness and thought he was unsure about us. I guess I should have wisened up and said, "If you're so sure, then where's my engagement ring?" I just hate being pushy like that; even I find people pushing to get married rather than letting it come together organically somewhat offputting.

 

After a while, I became really frustrated because I was always the one who had to bring up things. And then, rather than talk them through to resolution, he'd talk a bit about it and then get frustrated and want to get off the phone, and ultimately hang up on me when I would get upset and say, "I really think we need to talk about this." What we needed to talk about was how to solve the problem of the long distance. Three years we bandied about that problem, and I was the only one offering solutions but the one who did not have the means to execute them. Maybe I should have broken up with him several years ago, when I noted his communication reticence? I just wanted to see him DO something, make a definite move. I guess I finally saw it--only it wasn't the move I wanted to see.

 

But anyway, that's what's so confusing to me, Norajane. During the relationship, he was always afraid and insecure that I was going to break up with him; he'd cry and say, "You light up my whole life." I always felt that whether we stayed in the relationship or not was my decision to make, and I had no intention of going anywhere. But then he FINALLY makes a definite move, and it's to break up! With no effort to communicate with me about it, none at all! And I'm so very shocked and heartbroken, and even though it's been almost 3 months of NC and 5 months since the breakup, I still weep every day. How can I trust anyone now?

[norajane]

Maybe I should have broken up with him several years ago, when I noted

 

This is the part you need to focus on. You had plenty of reason to break up with him, but you did not. You hung on and on and on. You should have noted he was not right for YOU and should have let go of him. And you shouldn't be at all shocked that he didn't communicate with you in detail about the break-up - he's been non-communicative all along! That's why you should have broken up with him long ago.

 

You need to let go of your fantasy that he was perfect for you and you would have had a perfect relationship IF ONLY he had x, y, z. He wasn't perfect for you - he can't communicate with you the way you need him to.

[Zapbasket]

As for me, I'm very, very glad I broke up with that ex. If I could do anything differently, I would have moved out much sooner than I did, like after the first few months of living together. All that time was a waste, all that talking and trying to work things out was a waste of time. I could see very quickly that he wasn't the right guy for me, and no amount of talking and discussing was going to change who he was, nor who I was, nor what I needed to make me happy. I wish I hadn't wasted over a year of my life hanging onto something I knew had to end.

 

Norajane, if I may ask, how old were you when you broke up with this guy?

 

Also, why do you think it took you so long to figure out that he wasn't right for you? Why did you only notice these things after moving in with him? See, I can't help but imagine that maybe he was going through career indecision and that's why he complained about his job all the time but wasn't ready to make a move. Maybe me did finally make the change? And maybe was he depressed about things and didn't want to socialize as much, but he is more social now? I just think people's lives go through various vicissitudes and when you commit to someone you commit to loving them and standing by them even when things are going badly.

 

Here's an example: at the time I began dating this guy, I had an offer from another guy who in many ways was the exact opposite of my guy. Both were very smart, gifted, and physically attractive. This guy had a dynamic personality but an angry edge that really frightened me, and I didn't feel 'safe' with him even though I was attracted to him. He wasn't close with his family and I just felt he wasnt' very stable. I was right: turns out that at that time he had a serious alcohol problem. Fast forward five years to the present. He has joined AA and has been having major artistic success. He looks incredible and has a loving girlfriend and a bunch of close, devoted friends. His life has done a 180. I'm not sure he's really the guy for me, but I imagine if I had dated him instead of my guy, I would have had to accept his problems and have faith that he would find a way to fixing them--and I would have been delightfully surprised, and justified in holding on. As his friend, I knew he'd turn around as he has a warmth underneath that anger, and a sincere desire to be the best person he can. And isn't THAT the part one falls in love with, and puts one's faith into?

 

Yes, I admit, I am a romantic. I really believe in lifelong love and thought I had it with this person, and now wonder how I'll ever find it. It makes me sad. And I do feel like I no longer know who to trust--not only that, I feel like I can't even trust my own sense of people anymore.

[Zapbasket]

This is the part you need to focus on. You had plenty of reason to break up with him, but you did not. You hung on and on and on. You should have noted he was not right for YOU and should have let go of him. And you shouldn't be at all shocked that he didn't communicate with you in detail about the break-up - he's been non-communicative all along! That's why you should have broken up with him long ago.

 

You need to let go of your fantasy that he was perfect for you and you would have had a perfect relationship IF ONLY he had x, y, z. He wasn't perfect for you - he can't communicate with you the way you need him to.

 

Haha, I know . But that's why I'm also confused: why *did* I spend so much time being frustrated and hurt that he wouldn't share his feelings with me, and hang on to the point of yelling at him all the time, something I NEVER want to do? I guess I felt worried that maybe I was asking for too much; after all, he would always tell me, "But I tell you everything." And I know it's true; he has no intimate friendships, though his friendships are loyal and longstanding. I worried that I was being unreasonable, which is why his final e-mail hurts so much: "One of the reasons I don't want to discuss things with you is that there will never be enough discussion--just as there was never enough arguing, or phone discussions, etc." And in my mind I protest, "Yeah, but I wouldn't have required so much discussion if you'd just discussed stuff with me in the first place!" But still, I have this guilt that maybe I wanted too much intimacy, that maybe I'm too verbal, that maybe this is all MY problem...and it was this feeling that kept me from breaking up with him. That, and the fact that I loved him and had faith that we could find our way to a resolution of this issue--even if it meant me being more accepting of his communication shortcomings, something I was willing to work on accepting.

 

It's just...he gave me no chance to work on that.

 

I dunno, Norajane, I guess I just can't bear to end a relationship with someone so special in so many ways, as he is. And to end a relationship at all; it's such a violent thing to do.

[norajane]

Norajane, if I may ask, how old were you when you broke up with this guy?

 

When I moved out, I was a month shy of 26.

 

Also, why do you think it took you so long to figure out that he wasn't right for you? Why did you only notice these things after moving in with him?

 

Because when we weren't living together, we didn't have to make decisions about how much to spend on an apartment, where it would be, and how we would live our lives. Because when we weren't living together, I did not see that he was miserable with his job/life every single day, because I only saw him when he was off, when he was ready to enjoy our time together. Because when we weren't living together, we did not have the issues the come up when you share space and an entire life, so his passive/aggressive way of dealing with broken dryers and recycling and grocery shopping and bill paying and cooking and cleaning or whatever never came up. Because when we weren't living together, he couldn't take offense that I needed private time to myself, or that I needed him to actually be social with other people and not just us.

 

See, I can't help but imagine that maybe he was going through career indecision and that's why he complained about his job all the time but wasn't ready to make a move. Maybe me did finally make the change?

 

I am still in touch with his brother, so I know exactly what happened to him. He stayed at that job for 10 years until he was laid off, and he was miserable every single day. And then he didn't look for another job for years, relying solely on doing odd jobs for neighbors who were too old to mow their lawns, fixing people's cars (his true love is auto mechanics and I wish he'd gotten a job doing that!), and by picking up junk at the junkyard and reselling it, along with some of his savings. He just joined the army at the age of 41.

 

And maybe was he depressed about things and didn't want to socialize as much, but he is more social now?

 

No, actually. After I left him, he became more and more withdrawn, anti-social, and pretty much alienated his friends and family. I have no doubt he suffers from depression and paranoia about people. His family is very worried about him, though I don't know how they are all taking this whole army gig. He's still in boot camp.

 

I just think people's lives go through various vicissitudes and when you commit to someone you commit to loving them and standing by them even when things are going badly.

 

Not if they are the wrong person for you and committing to them means compromising who you are, or setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery because your lives and lifestyles and personalities and ways of communicating are not compatible.

 

Here's an example: at the time I began dating this guy, I had an offer from another guy who in many ways was the exact opposite of my guy. Both were very smart, gifted, and physically attractive. This guy had a dynamic personality but an angry edge that really frightened me, and I didn't feel 'safe' with him even though I was attracted to him. He wasn't close with his family and I just felt he wasnt' very stable. I was right: turns out that at that time he had a serious alcohol problem. Fast forward five years to the present. He has joined AA and has been having major artistic success. He looks incredible and has a loving girlfriend and a bunch of close, devoted friends. His life has done a 180. I'm not sure he's really the guy for me, but I imagine if I had dated him instead of my guy, I would have had to accept his problems and have faith that he would find a way to fixing them--and I would have been delightfully surprised, and justified in holding on. As his friend, I knew he'd turn around as he has a warmth underneath that anger, and a sincere desire to be the best person he can. And isn't THAT the part one falls in love with, and puts one's faith into?

 

Alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they seek help. Odds are, had you dated him back then, you would have been dragged into his misery - and maybe physical abuse since you feared him - until you finally had to leave or he sought help. My guess is his wonderful girlfriend only became his girlfriend AFTER he joined AA and cleaned up his act, not while he was a raging alcoholic and possibly abusive to her.

 

Yes, I admit, I am a romantic. I really believe in lifelong love and thought I had it with this person, and now wonder how I'll ever find it. It makes me sad. And I do feel like I no longer know who to trust--not only that, I feel like I can't even trust my own sense of people anymore.

 

You need to trust your gut instincts even though they may be at odds with your romantic wishes. You knew way back when this guy wasn't right for you, but you hung on anyway. You knew.

[Zapbasket]

When I moved out, I was a month shy of 26.

 

 

 

Because when we weren't living together, we didn't have to make decisions about how much to spend on an apartment, where it would be, and how we would live our lives. Because when we weren't living together, I did not see that he was miserable with his job/life every single day, because I only saw him when he was off, when he was ready to enjoy our time together. Because when we weren't living together, we did not have the issues the come up when you share space and an entire life, so his passive/aggressive way of dealing with broken dryers and recycling and grocery shopping and bill paying and cooking and cleaning or whatever never came up. Because when we weren't living together, he couldn't take offense that I needed private time to myself, or that I needed him to actually be social with other people and not just us.

 

Makes sense. What did he do/say when you brought these things up with him? Was he amenable to trying?

 

I am still in touch with his brother, so I know exactly what happened to him. He stayed at that job for 10 years until he was laid off, and he was miserable every single day. And then he didn't look for another job for years, relying solely on doing odd jobs for neighbors who were too old to mow their lawns, fixing people's cars (his true love is auto mechanics and I wish he'd gotten a job doing that!), and by picking up junk at the junkyard and reselling it, along with some of his savings. He just joined the army at the age of 41.

 

Again, this is the romantic speaking in me: do you think he'd have done things differently if you two had stayed together? Do you think maybe he was looking to you to be his light, or was he not open to your influence? Relationships can be incredible catalysts for personal transformations and some people, I think, can only undergo the major transformation they need to undergo through a relationship. From what you say, though, it sounds like he was closed off to even your influence.

 

I wish I thought I'd be in touch with anyone affiliated with my guy. His mother said she hoped no matter what happened that we could be friends, but though I think her sentiments are sincere I'm not sure how logistically possible it is, at least for a while. And as we were long distance for so long, we have no close mutual friends and at the time of the breakup, I wrote one of his friends and he never wrote me back, so... This fact makes me so sad, this total, utter cut-off from someone so important to me. It's sad also because it usurps the feeling of continuity within my own life, you know? ANd makes me feel all disjointed and alone.

 

 

Alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they seek help. Odds are, had you dated him back then, you would have been dragged into his misery - and maybe physical abuse since you feared him - until you finally had to leave or he sought help. My guess is his wonderful girlfriend only became his girlfriend AFTER he joined AA and cleaned up his act, not while he was a raging alcoholic and possibly abusive to her.

 

Yup, you're right. And no, I really didn't feel safe with him, which is why after a brief period of doubt I chose my now ex over him and never regreted the decision.

 

 

 

You need to trust your gut instincts even though they may be at odds with your romantic wishes. You knew way back when this guy wasn't right for you, but you hung on anyway. You knew.

 

Maybe...but I think all I really knew, and all I know now, is that we had differences and part of the 'lesson' of the relationship for both of us, I think, is learning to accept and respect them. We both did not learn this lesson. I *want* to learn to be a little more emotionally reserved, to not require so much intimacy all the time, to be able to enjoy things on the surface and not have everything have to be so meaningful. He embodied that to me. He keeps things light with people and yet has what we all want: loving family, longstanding friends, travel, money. Meanwhile I've gone through life having to upturn every stone, craving closeness and I have only my mother as family, some longstanding friends but I don't feel close to them, and I haven't traveled nearly as much as he has. He, on the other hand, wanted to learn to free his emotions more. Each of us was presented with something we idealized, and then discovered that it's no better than the way we do things...and sadly we were not able to weather this discovery. He announced to me during the breakup, "My level of communication is who I am and I'm not changing." And now I'm left wondering whether it's not better to do things his way, and I can give up my reveling in emotional expression.

 

So, I don't know whether he was right for me or not. I fear that though I am attractive, athletic, warm, etc., that I am a difficult woman to be with as I am very independent-minded and analytical while also emotionally expressive and very verbal. I fear that if this patient guy didn't want me, then no man will ever want me and I'll never get to have a comfortable, loving family and two children and a dog. Men will find me too threatening, as this guy did. That's my fear: that it wasn't that he wasn't right for me, but that I drove a perfectly wonderful guy away because I'm too strong a personality.

[norajane]

Makes sense. What did he do/say when you brought these things up with him? Was he amenable to trying?

 

I don't know - he wanted us to be together, but he couldn't change his core personality, so I can't say I saw a whole lot of effort to change.

 

A

gain, this is the romantic speaking in me: do you think he'd have done things differently if you two had stayed together? Do you think maybe he was looking to you to be his light, or was he not open to your influence?

 

Ha - yes, he was open to my influence, but he was pulling me into the dark rather than me pulling him into the light. He was bringing me down and making me miserable. I wasn't about to get sucked under into depression - I had a whole life to live. It's not my job to be someone's savior.

 

I wish I thought I'd be in touch with anyone affiliated with my guy...

This fact makes me so sad, this total, utter cut-off from someone so important to me. It's sad also because it usurps the feeling of continuity within my own life, you know? ANd makes me feel all disjointed and alone.

 

I don't see why it makes you feel alone - you still have all the same friends and contacts you used to have - your friends. With him being long distance for so long, it's not like you've got this big hole in your social life with his family and friends.

 

Usually when people break up, they lose the set of friends that are the other person's. It's rare to stay friends with his friends after a break-up. In my case, some of his friends became mine as well over time, so we stayed in touch. Remember, he didn't like going out much, so I went out with them often without him. His brother was one of those people and we talk or send emails every few months or so. And we rarely talk about my ex.

 

In any case, it's probably best that you don't have contact. Would you really want to hear that he's started dating someone else?

 

Maybe...but I think all I really knew, and all I know now, is that we had differences and part of the 'lesson' of the relationship for both of us, I think, is learning to accept and respect them. We both did not learn this lesson.

 

*shrug*

 

Some differences turn out to be unacceptable, especially if they lead to constant arguments. I wouldn't worry about not being able to find anyone who is compatible. Don't get so hung up on this guy that you don't notice them out there.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, Norajane. Can I ask how old you are to be so very circumspect about such things? Me, I find this whole breakup to be absolutely earth-shattering. I saw that people break up all the time, of course, but honestly I thought it would never happen to me. And especially not with this guy. My question is, when do you know you asked for too much? Maybe if I hadn't become demanding that he communicate, we'd still be together. I know in my desperation I also resorted to personal attacks, which are never acceptable. But the truth is, I've *never* met someone whose appetite for intimate conversation and emotional honesty matches mine. So how dare I require that my guy match mine? Why couldn't I accept, as I accept withi all other people, that he couldn't match me in that regard? I feel so ashamed.

 

And I don't want to get hung up on this so that it keeps me from moving on. But I do feel that I don't know I'll ever be able to trust someone as utterly in the future as I trusted him. I mean, I REALLY trusted that he'd never do this. I'm not a big dater as I frankly can't stand the drama and shenanigans most people undergo in their relationships. I dated him because I thought he and I were above that. I feel so very humiliated, and I don't know who I can trust anymore. How do you trust after something like this?

[norajane]

I'm 39.

 

You may not find an exact match with someone - meaning, he might not share your desire for so much introspection and communication. However, it's very likely you will find someone who will see that as one of your endearing qualities or personal quirks and will indulge you in it (or laugh at you and roll his eyes before spilling his guts) rather than fighting tooth and nail against you because of it. THAT's the guy you should hold onto.

 

You couldn't accept it because his reticence was damaging your relationship. It wasn't just that you needed to talk about things - it was that he never wanted to talk about what was going on in his head. There was no middle ground for you two because he was adamant about maintaining his silence. Had he opened up a little all along, that probably would have been enough for you to stop feeling so demanding about getting information. Both of you needed to be willing to compromise and neither of you were able to budge an inch because you weren't right for each other and you knew it.

 

You will trust again...next time you fall in love.

[Zapbasket]

Oh, Norajane, I wish I could inhabit your mind. It is much more cut and dry about this than I am, and I'm torturing myself with regret. Because...my guy *did* try to open up more. He opened up more with me than he ever had with anyone, and still I demanded more. That's why I feel guilty, and worried about my future in love. Isn't love accepting the other person for their limitations? Wasn't it enough that he did try, and that at one point he even acknowledged that my insistence on communication was "a real relationship saver," and that discussing his feelings rather than bottling them up as he had always done actually was a comfort? I do forgive myself for this past fall, because I felt I was in danger, and I was: his silence was threatening because indeed he was thinking about the relationshp and whether he wanted to stay in it and he wasn't sharing any of that process with me, and I coudl feel him pulling away just when we needed to be drawing closer together to prepare for moving in together.

 

Also, I wish I could just wipe my hands clean of the whole anguish and conclude that we weren't right for each other and I knew it. While I do feel we were very different and there were ways he showed he never knew what to make of me--he was fascinated by me and did find a lot of my quirks endearing, but these sentiments always teetered on annoyance and I always felt an uneasiness that ultimately he would do precisely as he did to me: store things up, leave me out of the loop and then leave me in a completely cold way with no intimation of going back, ever. I cannot tell you how many e-mails I found to him telling his that this was my fear. So anyway, while I did always notice how different we were, we were very alike in our naivete, our dual creative/analytical inclinations, our interest in the outdoors, our energy levels...and honestly he is the first person I ever met who could keep up with me intellectually, which was an incredible experience. And not only could he keep up intellectually, he also had great people skills--one of the things that baffled and impressed me was that he makes friends easily; everyone likes him; and yet he never solicits closeness from anyone--just the opposite of me but withi the same result: people always are drawn to me and I always feel like it's because I invite people to talk about their inner lives. So being with him was incredibly eye-opening. It's these things that make me really sad that it's over, and confused, as I don't see how he'll find someone who will captivate his interest like I did. What hurts is that I feel he'll choose someone who won't have as much as I had, and therefore won't be as much of a challenge, and so he'll settle for less but be happier, which just feels so insulting.

 

I guess it feels so insulting because it tugs on my worst fear: that I'm "too much." I've not found a single other guy who had all that this guy has, and so I'm having a hard time believing there's a better guy out there. I've never seen one. I guess that's why I can't so easily conclude that we weren't right for each other and this outcome was inevitable--even though as I said the warning signs all were there (i.e., that as this breakup proved I was *right* to feel so threatened by his silence, as it was not just amicable silence, but the silence of uncertainty as I felt it to be--silence speaks, after all). I feel a sense of enormous loss, and I fear that at 30 I won't have time to find someone with whom to build a family and share my life. I wanted to have a 50th wedding anniversary with someone. I'm envious, Norajane, that you ended your long-term relationship by the age of 26, leaving you plenty of time to regroup, strengthen yourself as an indivvidual, and find someone else. I fear I don't have the luxury of that time. And what hurts the most about it all is that after 5 whole years of being with this guy, we NEVER WERE IN THE SAME CITY. We spoke on the phone every day, we visited each other, we talked about how great it was going to be when we lived together in the same place, and we never even gave it a chance. I can't believe he opted to close things off only two months into being out east with me. Before I even had a chance to move in. In the midst of all our mutual transitions; how could he do that? How could he have been so sure he didn't want me? How, oh how, can I move on from this? As more time passes and the very real possibility that I'll not ever hear from him sinks in, I don't feel better, I feel even more depressed, because then this goodbye that I thought was reactive and temporary shows itself to be calculated and permanent. And I feel like an awful fool and though I'm not suicidal I do sometimes fantasize about just being able to close my eyes for weeks or months until this agony subsides.

[Cossette4]

Hi Green!

 

I know our stories are really similar, and I just wanted to let you know I definitely felt/feel the same things you are dealing with in your mind. I ask myself all the time, "How could he just sever all contact and not ever look back or care or miss me when he acted head over heels in love with me?" It's just unanswerable and frustrating.

 

It's been over 9 months now for me. I would love to tell you I'm totally over it, but of course, I'm not even close. However, I do feel like I progressed from like the 2 month mark...the 5 month mark.

 

So you can look forward to at least feeling less of the things you are feeling. And the thoughts will get old and you'll just push them aside because they are out of your control.

 

As for if he will contact you again, your guess is as good as mine. I dunno if you read my thread a few weeks back, but after 7 months of absolutely no contact, my ex sent me a text message to let me know that he was moving out of state and starting a new job. He ended it with "Call me sometime."

 

And like your ex, the last time I spoke to my ex it was like "No get away from me..my new gf is my priority now..I have nothing to say to you." It was so difficult to talk to him because he gave off the vibe like he'd rather be having his teeth pulled. And then all of a sudden he's inviting my calls again?

 

I'm not responding to the text or calling because of the incredible disrespect he has shown me throughout this whole thing, and because I have no idea what the text means anyways. But it is interesting and totally not what I ever expected from him. So never say never.

 

But also, don't hang on to that hope every day because the ex isn't worth it. YOU are worth it, so treat yourself like you are.

 

All the best.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Hi GreenCove

 

I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation, but have the fortune to have been given pretty much the exact reasons why I was dumped (I've figured out a few additional ones aswell but that's a story for another day ). I posted this elsewhere:

 

It's worth bearing the following in mind when wondering about someone elses intentions or actions.

 

If a person really wants to work things out, they will work things through to resolution no matter how bad things have got.

 

If a person does not want to work things out (for whatever reason - usually a desire to see if the grass is greener in the other side ), they won't, no matter how good things seem to be. They will find a reason (or reasons) not to resolve the resolvable.

 

Illogical? Yes, because people do not think logically when they are in a highly emotional state of conflict - they think selfishly i.e immaturely. If/When they revert to the adult state you may hear:

the magic words "I screwed up, I want you back and I really want to work things out"

The reason I'm posting it here is just to show that once a person has made up their mind it's very hard for them to change it. This is why in situations like norajane's it takes such a long time to realise a relationship is wrong and all that can be done to make things right has been done. When a person is completley committed to a relationship it is a long and difficult journey coming to the realisation that the relationship is irretrievably wrong.

 

Having finally, fully made up their mind that the relationship is irretrieveably wrong, nothing is going to change that person's mind expect for a very compelling or traumatic event - words are useless by this time. This is the situation with your ex. They've made up their mind and certainly, at this stage, have no intention of changing it. The key difference between norajane and your ex is that norajane was 100% clear in her break up but your ex sounds confused. Nonetheless the net effect is the same, confusion, pain and misery for the person being broken up with.

 

The main thing to take out of this is that norajane knew exactly why she was breaking up and subsequent events have proved her right. Your ex isn't sure why he's breaking up but just feels he has to. This isn't a reflection on you or your qualities as a human being. These are his issues and he needs to deal with them. Give him the time, space and understanding to do just that, bearing in mind that the most likely outcome is that he won't come back. In the unlikely event that he does, you have to decide how to deal with the situation. This will inevitably involve changes and you have to make sure that you are prepared to work together to make these changes.

[JBWarp]

Hi GreenCove,

 

I found myself reading your story and couldn’t help but respond. Though your loss and circumstance is starkly more poignant than my own, your words and musings seem to resonate with my own internal struggles. I find myself hyper-analytical and over-emotional, drawn towards intimacy to the point of utter frustration. Currently going through a break-up myself, I’ve been reading these boards to help find some solace, some respite from the insanity of my mind and heart. I think reading your tale and knowing that I’m not alone in this seemingly insatiable desire to draw close to someone, to discuss the inner works of mind, soul, and heart makes me know that hope is not lost to find someone that will long to draw as close to me as I will to her. Maybe this response will also give you a little reprieve from the pain of feeling “too much” as well. You’re not alone in facing the tendencies of your heart, and there are men, like me, out there that find they feel similar.

 

I also tend to believe that love, and relationship, is a commitment of heart. This gets me in more trouble than I’d like sometimes. I think love is as much of a decision as it is an emotion. You feel strongly for someone, of course, but feelings can ebb and flow with the tides of life. Serious relationships need to be founded on something deeper, a firm commitment to work towards each other and with each other, despite the pitfalls and stumbling blocks that will undeniably appear. However, for romantics and analytics like you and I, happiness is finding someone who echoes that sentiments enough to help us achieve balance. I’m not sure exactly how it works for you, but for me, I find myself always thinking and analyzing, and the manifestations of these inner workings are desires to communicate and love harder and deeper. I’m always searching for ways to increase the intimacy in a relationship, and I think I’m discovering I need someone who can give as much as I’m willing to give or I’ll find myself constantly coming short. Though it might have seemed like struggling inside your circumstances was happiness, I think you know deep down the lack of closeness that you felt with him was creating dissonances inside yourself that manifested in many different outlets, from the anger to other symptoms I’m sure you know. I think you’ll find more happiness discovering someone who is willing to take the emotional and romantic plunge with you, who truly longs for depth and closeness.

 

I know this is the mantra I’m telling myself as I struggle to quiet the anxious pain that creeps in on me at night. I think resolve and confidence is important to keeping sane. My discontent in this recently lost relationship, which it seems you shared in your experience with this man, is not how deeply caring people such as you and I are supposed to live. Though there were many symptoms that eventually caused my downfall, I always felt the lack of passion and emotional intimacy grated at me and wore me thin, resulting in a deeper unhappiness than I was willing to admit. I held firm in my commitment to love, and in my feelings of love for her, despite the internal rumblings of my soul speaking truth that I was unwilling to heed. A dear friend tonight helped calm my overzealous, overanxious spirit, helping me understand I need to wait for the woman that will unclasp her heart towards me, willing to devote the amount of caring and giving that I so graciously and selflessly put forward in a relationship. And she helped me understand that until I find the one whom I can truly be myself towards, with all the emotional desires, overly-romantic tendencies, and intense passions that DEFINE my intimate self, all I will find are eventual dead ends that end in heartbreak.

 

I think Norajane speaks wisdom that is certainly hard to take whole heartedly in her last post, especially as your spirit is injured and heart burned. For me, the feelings of being unappreciated and lack of emotional connection drowned me until I kicked and struggled her away from me. Maybe in some way or form your disparate emotional natures were breaking down the foundations between the two of you long before they were evident, and the catalyst for him was something completely sudden and undefined for you. However, the evidence in what little discourse we can glean from your posts shows that tensions were certainly there. For him, the totality of those tensions might have built to a point where it was impossible for him to find anything but sudden and irrevocable separation acceptable. You need to find, as Norajane said, the guy who embraces your natures as something necessary for him in a positive light. You don’t find yourself struggling against the grain with your need of emotional intimacy and introspection, but instead you find those tendencies create a happy balance in your heart because of how he accepts and responds to them. When you find the man who makes you feel this way, you’ll know it, I’m sure. And you will trust him and love him completely, because he’s giving himself completely to you. I’m staking my heart on the dream that someone who wants to give and love as much as I will stumble in front of my path soon, and the seemingly bottomless love of my heart will finally not just be embraced, but returned. Then I’ll find the happiness I long for. I think when you find the person who fits this for you, which you will, the shades of this past circumstance will look gray. You’ll see how this wasn’t working for you because the brightness of your newfound happiness and balance will be blinding.

 

I guess I’m trying to be optimistic at this point. It helps me sleep at night at least, and takes some of the sting away. Try to find faith in the beauty of your caring heart and emotional self…your romantic nature is nothing to be shunned for, but something instead to be embraced and loved. You’ll find the person who fits those needs, fits those outlets, and it will be bliss. Believing in that is the only path towards finding it…at least, I’m starting to think this is true.

[ringside]

As more time passes and the very real possibility that I'll not ever hear from him sinks in, I don't feel better, I feel even more depressed, because then this goodbye that I thought was reactive and temporary shows itself to be calculated and permanent. And I feel like an awful fool and though I'm not suicidal I do sometimes fantasize about just being able to close my eyes for weeks or months until this agony subsides.

 

I know what you mean on both counts. Especially the part about wanting to close your eyes until the agony goes away. I find myself wishing I could fast-foward this entire year and just move on to next year so that I'd just be fine - truly fine.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're still hurting GreenCove. I think you really need to accept that the goodbye wasn't "reactive and temporary", but permanent. You have to stop interpreting it the way you want to, but take it for what it is. That's the only way you can move on from this, really.

 

There's nothing much to say anymore, except you just have to give it time. It's agonisingly slow and painful but there's no other way. And keep yourself open, even if it's cautiously so, to the prospects of new, better relationships coming your way. It's never the end; there's always a next chapter to embark on.

[JBWarp]

Hi GreenCove,

 

I found myself reading your story and couldn’t help but respond. Though your loss and circumstance is starkly more poignant than my own, your words and musings seem to resonate with my own internal struggles. I find myself hyper-analytical and over-emotional, drawn towards intimacy to the point of utter frustration. Currently going through a break-up myself, I’ve been reading these boards to help find some solace, some respite from the insanity of my mind and heart. I think reading your tale and knowing that I’m not alone in this seemingly insatiable desire to draw close to someone, to discuss the inner works of mind, soul, and heart makes me know that hope is not lost to find someone that will long to draw as close to me as I will to her. Maybe this response will also give you a little reprieve from the pain of feeling “too much” as well. You’re not alone in facing the tendencies of your heart, and there are men, like me, out there that find they feel similar.

 

I also tend to believe that love, and relationship, is a commitment of heart. This gets me in more trouble than I’d like sometimes. I think love is as much of a decision as it is an emotion. You feel strongly for someone, of course, but feelings can ebb and flow with the tides of life. Serious relationships need to be founded on something deeper, a firm commitment to work towards each other and with each other, despite the pitfalls and stumbling blocks that will undeniably appear. However, for romantics and analytics like you and I, happiness is finding someone who echoes that sentiments enough to help us achieve balance. I’m not sure exactly how it works for you, but for me, I find myself always thinking and analyzing, and the manifestations of these inner workings are desires to communicate and love harder and deeper. I’m always searching for ways to increase the intimacy in a relationship, and I think I’m discovering I need someone who can give as much as I’m willing to give or I’ll find myself constantly coming short. Though it might have seemed like struggling inside your circumstances was happiness, I think you know deep down the lack of closeness that you felt with him was creating dissonances inside yourself that manifested in many different outlets, from the anger to other symptoms I’m sure you know. I think you’ll find more happiness discovering someone who is willing to take the emotional and romantic plunge with you, who truly longs for depth and closeness.

 

I know this is the mantra I’m telling myself as I struggle to quiet the anxious pain that creeps in on me at night. I think resolve and confidence is important to keeping sane. My discontent in this recently lost relationship, which it seems you shared in your experience with this man, is not how deeply caring people such as you and I are supposed to live. Though there were many symptoms that eventually caused my downfall, I always felt the lack of passion and emotional intimacy grated at me and wore me thin, resulting in a deeper unhappiness than I was willing to admit. I held firm in my commitment to love, and in my feelings of love for her, despite the internal rumblings of my soul speaking truth that I was unwilling to heed. A dear friend tonight helped calm my overzealous, overanxious spirit, helping me understand I need to wait for the woman that will unclasp her heart towards me, willing to devote the amount of caring and giving that I so graciously and selflessly put forward in a relationship. And she helped me understand that until I find the one whom I can truly be myself towards, with all the emotional desires, overly-romantic tendencies, and intense passions that DEFINE my intimate self, all I will find are eventual dead ends that end in heartbreak.

 

I think Norajane speaks wisdom that is certainly hard to take whole heartedly in her last post, especially as your spirit is injured and heart burned. For me, the feelings of being unappreciated and lack of emotional connection drowned me until I kicked and struggled her away from me. Maybe in some way or form your disparate emotional natures were breaking down the foundations between the two of you long before they were evident, and the catalyst for him was something completely sudden and undefined for you. However, the evidence in what little discourse we can glean from your posts shows that tensions were certainly there. For him, the totality of those tensions might have built to a point where it was impossible for him to find anything but sudden and irrevocable separation acceptable. You need to find, as Norajane said, the guy who embraces your natures as something necessary for him in a positive light. You don’t find yourself struggling against the grain with your need of emotional intimacy and introspection, but instead you find those tendencies create a happy balance in your heart because of how he accepts and responds to them. When you find the man who makes you feel this way, you’ll know it, I’m sure. And you will trust him and love him completely, because he’s giving himself completely to you. I’m staking my heart on the dream that someone who wants to give and love as much as I will stumble in front of my path soon, and the seemingly bottomless love of my heart will finally not just be embraced, but returned. Then I’ll find the happiness I long for. I think when you find the person who fits this for you, which you will, the shades of this past circumstance will look gray. You’ll see how this wasn’t working for you because the brightness of your newfound happiness and balance will be blinding.

 

I guess I’m trying to be optimistic at this point. It helps me sleep at night at least, and takes some of the sting away. Try to find faith in the beauty of your caring heart and emotional self…your romantic nature is nothing to be shunned for, but something instead to be embraced and loved. You’ll find the person who fits those needs, fits those outlets, and it will be bliss. Believing in that is the only path towards finding it…at least, I’m starting to think this is true.

[norajane]

Oh, Norajane, I wish I could inhabit your mind. It is much more cut and dry about this than I am, and I'm torturing myself with regret.

 

My certainty comes from hindsight. At that time, I was an emotional mess. I was wondering all the same things you are - how could I walk away from a man who was such a big part of my life? how could I just give up on us? what if I never found anyone to love me again? could I have done more to fix things? how much of it was my fault?

 

I didn't have the answers to those questions, but I did know I was miserable with him and had to focus on that. The arugments, the tears, the resentments eventually added up and drove me away. It wasn't until after I left and got on with my life that I realized how wonderful it was not to have to deal with that anymore.

 

Also, I wish I could just wipe my hands clean of the whole anguish and conclude that we weren't right for each other and I knew it.

 

That's going to take some time. Even though I was the one who left my relationship, it took me ages and ages to know for sure I had done the right thing. Time, and meeting other men who were actuallly more 'right' for me, made me realize that he and I weren't right anymore though we may have been good together when we first started dating. People change over time, especially in their 20's. It's a decade of major growth and realization of what is important and who you are.

 

I guess it feels so insulting because it tugs on my worst fear: that I'm "too much." I've not found a single other guy who had all that this guy has, and so I'm having a hard time believing there's a better guy out there. I've never seen one.

 

Look around some more - there are many wonderful men out there. He is not a god, and he has his faults and flaws, and he is not the only person you can connect with.

I feel a sense of enormous loss, and I fear that at 30 I won't have time to find someone with whom to build a family and share my life. I wanted to have a 50th wedding anniversary with someone. I'm envious, Norajane, that you ended your long-term relationship by the age of 26, leaving you plenty of time to regroup, strengthen yourself as an indivvidual, and find someone else. I fear I don't have the luxury of that time.

 

At 30, you have PLENTY of time to fall in love, get married, and have a family. Recalibrate your dream. I'm sure a 40th wedding anniversary is just as sweet as 50 to those celebrating. But a 50th anniversary with someone who is wrong for you and has made those years a living, breathing hell because of incompatibility, silence, withdrawal, and constant head-butting is no celebration. It is far, far worse to be with someone who is wrong for you than to be on your own with the chance of finding a love that's worth having.

 

And what hurts the most about it all is that after 5 whole years of being with this guy, we NEVER WERE IN THE SAME CITY. We spoke on the phone every day, we visited each other, we talked about how great it was going to be when we lived together in the same place, and we never even gave it a chance. I can't believe he opted to close things off only two months into being out east with me. Before I even had a chance to move in. In the midst of all our mutual transitions; how could he do that? How could he have been so sure he didn't want me?

 

This is going to sound harsh, and I apologize for that, but if it took you two 5 years to find a way to live in the same city, there was never a real chance for you to be together. People who are in love and have a desire to make it work, don't take that long to figure out how to make it happen.

 

 

As to how to move on, you will start that process when you accept that your dream, your fantasy of how great it was going to be was just that, a fantasy.