2005lexus Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I am a man in my 30s who is going through a mutually agreed upon divorce. I met another woman through a work partnership that I spent a bunch of time with because of work. We got close as there was some chemistry going on every time we saw each other. We got closer and had sex every day, a couple times a day. She was really into me in the beginning. She has two kids from two different men, never married to either. None of them support her or her kids. I have never been with a woman outside of my marriage before and since I am going through a divorce I justified the experience as it kinda fell into my lap. Here's the BAD news. I got into her too much going over to her house late at night, sneaking around because I was still technically married. Time ran its course and now she pulled away and said she needs to focus on something else, not me because I am a dead end relationship for her. She is no longer into me even a quarter of what it used to be. Because she is poor and struggling with 2 kids I felt for her and paid her bills 4 months in a row starting last December. That is $21,000. During that time I was not allowed to come to her house because she didnt want her friends or family to see me around and think she was trying to date me, a still married man. We had all the reason to see each other during the week because we had work we did together (we are both indepedent contractors). For me maybe she was my escape from my divorce situation, I don't know really because I was just caught up in it. After weeks of whining over how things changed and how she is leaving me, this weekend I decided to get on with my life and do something different. I took a scuba certification class. She heard about it and was saying how cool that would be. I ended up thinking how it would be nice to have her there and payed $700 for her class and gear, and she did the class with me. On the boat she was kinda distant from me saying but a few things, but nice and talkative to a couple guys claiming she was only chatting. We got into an argument and she said again that she was very clear about us needing to not think about any future together. I dropped her home after taking her and her daughters to lunch, silently pissed and feeling stupid. I did that because I did not want to end our day on a sour note. I did not speak to her the rest of the day though. Today she calls and says she was heading out to the park with her family and friends (i'm not invited of course) but just had to hear my voice. I was happy and nice intending to make yesterday be the last day I spend a dime on her and start a NC. She ended up saying have a nice fulfilling day and I love you. I said ok have a nice day too and hung up. Why does she say I love you when she tells me to get lost basically. Is it her way of giving me a mercy phrase to keep me from being depressed? So I feel like I am a spineless wuss, not only for giving her all that money but sucking up to her for so long just for a little bone called attention. Maybe I crave it so much I would settle for anything and give everything for that little I get back. I am weak. She will call me later in the evening when her happy day is over and she has nothing else to do. I will pick up the phone again and be happy I just get to talk to her. She will cut the conversation short because she has to go watch some tv and I will again feel like I am the one wanting something and she is fine checking up on me for a few minutes. Can anyone relate to my situation?? I am lost in my emotion and I need to be b***h slapped by a few of you. Please help me.
nittygritty Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Your post and screenname seem to suggest that you think that if you pay more for something you think it is going to be better. YOU are letting this women take advantage of you by paying her bills, etc. in exchange for ??? Why are you upset that she is treating you like a trick she just turned? Money can buy sex for you but not love for you (love for your money, yes, but not you ) What did you expect was going to happen? Go buy a hooker if your just wanting sex without strings. If you want a real relationship that involves love, find someone who can at least financially support themselves. Your going to attract parasites if you don't. Which reminds me, be sure and practice safe sex.
Shandy Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 You hardly mentioned your wife in your entire post. What is wrong with your marriage? Why not just end it first before sleeping with another woman?
Author 2005lexus Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 The reason for the screen name is because I wanted to use something that nobody I know would ever think it was me. I usually have another screen name online. I know the name I chose shows me as a money attached poser but I am not. As far as not mentioning my wife, we are getting a divorce and in the process. I married young and all for the wrong reasons but stuck it out thinking it would get better. I am miserable with her though and I know it wont get better. I know I need to leave one before starting another but this happened to fall on me because I had an intense attraction to this woman that I saw every day and I could not keep it away any longer. Now I got burned by having my head into a woman that seems to want me for money. I am not sure though because I am such a hopeful man. I always think the best of people and always want to help. I am one of those knight in shining armor types who rescues girls and gets used in the process I suppose. Its hard for me to hear her tell me she loves me while at the same time think she is using me. I would best hope she is just confused and I need to be still there for her, and when the divorce is final she will be ok with me again. Am I fooling myself?
nittygritty Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Yes, you are fooling yourself. She didn't have a problem with the fact that you were married when she was having you pay her bills, the scuba class, etc. I'm assuming that you have had sex with her? Or at least kissed her open mouthed? Her pulling back now and saying that she somehow has developed a moral judgement code that you don't fit HER requirements??? She has two kids from two different fathers that she never married but she has a problem with the fact that your not technically divorced yet? This woman is going to take you to the cleaners. Your new screen name will be "white knight" minus the shining armor .
AriaIncognito Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 You are being taken for a fool. First of all, if this woman typically doesn't have money, why do her bills total 21k for 4 months? I have enough money to be OK, and my bills for 4 months do not add up to that. I own a home and 2 cars and have all the typical utilities and whatnot. What exactly did she spend 5250k a month on? Unless you live in a really expensive city. But again, if she typically can't afford this on her own, and needs your help, then well, she's obviously fiscally irresponsible. Why would you want someone who isn't anywhere near your apparent "league". Personally, I like to date men that are as responsible about their spending as I am about mine. She isn't pushing you totally away because you're her cash cow. She's not letting you closer because well, she's not into you, she's into your money. It's sad. Sad that someone could be this way, but very apparent from you post. Cut all ties, cut your losses, get a divorce from your wife, take time to heal, and then look for someone more alike to you, to date.
nittygritty Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 She is emotionally blackmailing you into taking further responsibility for her by withholding affection and attention on the grounds that she will give you more when you are officially divorced. That way she can really get her claws into you by eventually getting you to marry her. That is what it sounds like anyway.
Author 2005lexus Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 A little about her: She was a hippy type girl who had a child 13 years ago. Never got married. She met a man 8 years ago on the beach and had another child. Never got married. She met a man at her work and moved in. She cheated on him with an exboyfriend and eventually moved out to be closer to the beach in a small 2 bedroom. She said she never loved the man and got annoyed at him. While at the beach she met another man and bought a house with him around the block and rented her 2 bedroom. She later kicked him out after 7 months and started paying the mortgage which was double that of her two bedroom. This brings us to her meeting me and now she is struggling. She claims she loves the house but obviously cant afford it on her own. Being involved with her emotionally and feeling bad for her kids I helped her out. I need a big sign because I am so stubborn into thinking she is not that bad given all the good times we seemed to have in the past.
hope1975 Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Try cutting her off financially for a while & see how she responds..you'll know then how she truly feels I don't like judging anyone, but from what I've read it sounds like she could definately be after your money. I would be very very wary...there are plenty of lovely women out there, and it sounds like she has a few issues having had so many relationships that haven't worked out. Do not become anymore financially involved then you already are. Hope it works out for you, but be careful
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 The irony is strong within this thread, Padawan...
Author 2005lexus Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 Ha ha nitty gritty you made me laugh out loud. You make sense and I never saw that before. My knight in shining armor days are numbered. And ariawoman, your signature is deeeeeeeeep. I have to stop drinking my beer just to think about that one. Thanks!! But seriously my willpower is weak. She calls and sounds so nice on the phone when she wants to. This is hard for me given my personality of being such a giving caring person.
Author 2005lexus Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Ok so she called just as expected and was quiet most of the time. I tried to be happy and nice but sooner or later it was bound to happen. She said something and I said something and we ended up arguing. I told her not to call me anymore because I am tired of being abused. So there it is. I hung up and texted her one more time just in case she didnt get it on the phone. Dont call me, goodbye. So I really hope tomorrow morning I dont get cold feet and call her.
Author 2005lexus Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 So she calls again this morning and I answer. She is now looking for a domain name thats cool so people can go there and make her a lot of money. She is also looking at this email she got where she sends a dollar and somehow it goes round and round and people send her dollars as well. This to make money. She says she needs $10,000 to pay off her bills and debt so she can refinance and get money out of the house. She talks as though its my fault she would be on the street with her kids if I dont help her. I told her I had to go and I would call her back. If I dont call her then chances are she wont talk to me for a while and have bad feelings towards me.
shockandawed Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Lexus, From reading your comments my first impression is I am willing to bet this "hippy chick" is the exact opposite of your soon to be ex. Since you haven't mentioned her much, I am assuming your ex is probably a stable and normal woman, you got married young, no real passion or excitement. But probably no crazy crap like you have now. Look, I know full well what it is like to be in a relationship that you shouldn't be. In my last relationship, I excused behavior I never should have, lies, temper, etc..It was also behavior I never experienced in my marriage. But with all the crap came passion and excitement. You are completely out of control with this chick and she knows it. The past you paint of her clearly says she is a flake who uses men and jumps from bed to bed. People don't change. You can't be the exception here and turn her into what you want. She will screw you over just like the rest. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. You had a full right to be upset. You asked her not to call you again. Well, she calls this morning, goes straight into money and you play along. Why did you even answer? She is wanting nothing but your money. WAKE UP!!! She will clean you out and leave you bankrupt and alone, I can guarantee that. Her situation is absolutely not your fault or responsibility. If she is living in a garbage can, then she can only blame herself. Do whatever measures you have to to stay clear of her. I know your heart and male member is leading here, but until the brain can get control, you may need to do some other measures. I would consider taking your savings, assets, etc and giving them to a safekeeper for awhile, parent, trusted family member etc.. Be sure to tell them the truth so they will know to be firm if you crack. If you just want to piss away $10K or more, just send it to me. I at least promise to be nice to you and call daily.
Author 2005lexus Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Yes my wife was stable, quiet, loving but annoyingly boring and clingy. I was absolutely lacking an excitement in the relationship. She did not like to do anything outdoors like I liked to do. The whole giving my checkbook and credit cards to safe keeping sounds like a good idea. She called again saying she wanted a loan and she would pay back at 11% interest. She says she is not looking for a hand out. Stuff like that wears on me and when she uses her kids as a tool to tug at my heart it is hard to say no. I will update as it progresses.
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Tell her to get a loan from the bank, tell her you're not her personal cash cow. I am going through something like this with a MM, I think he used me too, but not for money. He used me as a distraction from drinking and smoking. When we met, he stopped drinking and smoking, it's a year and a half later, I know he'd never admit this though. I am struggling to move on, I thought it was love too. I wake up everyday with him on my mind, he always told me I was on his everyday too. But now he's gone from talking to me daily for 1.5 yrs, to nothing. So I guess there's just some cold people out there, your whole story to me sounds like she's just using you and uses men in general. I wish I could pm yet to tell you more about my story, these two sound similar, cold, ruthless. Tell her to take a hike, please don't let her use you and don't give her a loan.
nittygritty Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Tell her you will accept the 11% interest on the 21k you have already given her (since she isn't looking for any handouts) and then tell her that you don't have anymore money to give. Tell her that your not allowed to waste marital funds. Your not divorced yet and your wife could make an issue out of all of the money you have given this woman, half of which your wife may be entitled to. You may be the one going to the bank in order to pay off your wife from divorce proceedings. A lot of Divorce's that start off amicable take a rapid turn for the worse when a spouse finds out that marital assets are missing.
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